Want to avoid duty sex? Here is a simple solution that is 100% on YOU women: marry a man who exactly matches YOUR sex drive... then (and here is the important part) DO NOT LOSE INTEREST.

If you are sexually matched, and both are happy with the sexual frequency (and any fluctuations) before marriage, then the ONLY way you would later perceive sex to be "duty" is if YOU LOSE INTEREST. Simply don't do that, and you can avoid any problems with duty sex.

You can't just order yourself "DO NOT LOSE INTEREST". This is like ordering yourself to be interested. You can't do it. Either you are interested, or you aren't.

This is like telling a guy "don't lose interest in sex with your wife if she gains 300 pounds." Your higher logical brain might try and tell itself "OK, she's still my wife and I should still do this" but your animal brain will say "nah" and won't give the orders to the equipment downstairs.

Anonymous wrote:So question: if one partner really doesn't want to have sex but the other one does, why does the tie go to the man? Why has everybody agreed that the man's feelings are more important than the woman's?

If she decides she doesn't want sex, because feelz, does she also get to deny him from getting sex elsewhere, because feelz? Sounds like you think her feelz are more important than his and should always prevail.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. And all women want is money to buy stuff so if a guy wants to leave his high-paying job for one that is less stressful he cannot, otherwise his wife is justified in going to another man for money.

Well, she'll certainly be able to justify it to herself, no matter what you might think about it.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sex seemed like such a small part of the marriage until my wife lost interest. Now it's the black cloud over the marriage. For those who see it as a trivial or only semi important factor, wait till your marriage goes cold then come chime in here.

Again, please read the prior summary of what read here: sex is the most important thing to a man in a marriage. After sex, men can be interested in other things like work, kids, food, alcohol etc. Men will not worry about women getting to other tasks as long as sex is good. UMC men will likely cheat anyway because of opportunity (ego, variety etc.).

Doesn’t this summary comport with what you’re saying? I don’t think this dismisses your concern about sex at all. As I say, this is what should be taught to next generation of women.

PP you are responding to, and I can hold multiple things important at the same time. Again, this isn't a black or white issue. For example, my kid's health is the most important thing to me and sex is trivial in comparison.

The question you are asking is whether the sexual aspect of the marriage is the most important. It's hard to quantify other than to say it's essential and for most men, including me, there is no marriage without it. Yes, I still love my wife and care about her, but its not a romantic connection and the heart moves on to others when the sex dies.

I’m the pp poster you are responding to. I have to tell you that although I’ve been married for over 25 years, all of this has been a learning for me. I have daughters and this is a bit disconcerting. I see many LTR around me and it seems that those men around me have a bit more balanced view of life/relationships but who knows.

PP you responded to (and not responsible for any other posts on this thread, seems like one hard-line man and woman going back and forth here). I am kinda surprised you are surprised by this. Maybe you have a healthy sexual relationship with your husband so it's not an issue. I had a great sexual relationship with my wife, till the kids came, one with special needs, and everything cratered. Sex hasn't been for months, and before that, was 1-2x a month on a good month. Yes of course kids came first, but it was hard to fathom there was literally zero hours per week to carve out some "us" time for an intimate relationship. And it didn't come back when kids got older and easier and she had more free time.

I don't rank sex above any other aspect, so I disagree with the title of the thread. It's more like asking whether the flour, sugar or butter are more important in the cookie recipe. If you don't have all three, it's a terrible cookie, even if it looks like one from the outside.

Trust me, I have read about this incessantly since I never thought this would happen to us (we are both attractive, in shape, UMC, etc.). It's interesting that women can draw intimacy from other aspects and feel content in a relationship without sex. Half of lesbians in long term relationships stop all together. On average, men aren't wired this way, and stopping sex to a man is like if your husband literally never spoke to you again. You could stay married, but not happily.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How about just marrying a man who...doesn't demand duty sex? My husband doesn't. My sex drive fluctuates, sometimes it's really low, sometimes it's embarrassingly high, but my husband would never to have sex with me if he knew I didn't want to.

This can work because, as you say, your drive fluctuates. Sure, it's not always high -- but, here's the key -- it's not always low. When months and years go by, the guy might start to think that duty sex is better than no sex.

a) some guys might start to think that but it doesn't entitle them to sex b) not my husband, he told me that the idea of having sex with somebody who doesn't want to have sex with him is a massive turn-off, which I think should be the normal response.

How many years has it been since your husband had sex with you?

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Anonymous wrote:It's so sad that many women here are shrugging their shoulders and saying "yeah if you want to keep your man happy gotta put out even if you don't feel like it, I'm teaching my daughters the same thing." Good grief.

Ladies you can do better.

It's reality though. If you need the trash removed it needs to be taken to the curb. If you want to pass a test you have to study. If you want the benefits of a marriage you often have to do things you don't want to. It may be in-law related, or duty sex.

Having sex is not the same as taking out the trash. Taking out the trash improves how you feel, duty sex makes you feel like shit. I'm truly sorry for anybody who thinks that duty sex is a requirement for a good marriage. It's not.

Most women don’t feel like shit for having sex with their husbands. Even if they arent all that into it. Even if it’s just the satisfaction of a job well done .

If they're at all into it, it's not duty sex.

What is going on in your marriage?

Duty sex is sex when I would really rather not and would prefer to do something else. It isn’t painful or abusive or designed to make me feel like shit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So question: if one partner really doesn't want to have sex but the other one does, why does the tie go to the man? Why has everybody agreed that the man's feelings are more important than the woman's?

That wasn’t the consensus. The consensus is: sex matters a whole whole lot to men, to the point that it makes or breaks a happy marriage.

Why doesn't expecting sex from somebody who doesn't want to have sex with you make for an unhappy marriage? In other words, why is it worse to not have sex than it is to demand sex?

If you don’t want to have sex with your husband, just cut him loose. Divorce the poor guy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So question: if one partner really doesn't want to have sex but the other one does, why does the tie go to the man? Why has everybody agreed that the man's feelings are more important than the woman's?

That wasn’t the consensus. The consensus is: sex matters a whole whole lot to men, to the point that it makes or breaks a happy marriage.

Why doesn't expecting sex from somebody who doesn't want to have sex with you make for an unhappy marriage? In other words, why is it worse to not have sex than it is to demand sex?

Anonymous wrote:So question: if one partner really doesn't want to have sex but the other one does, why does the tie go to the man? Why has everybody agreed that the man's feelings are more important than the woman's?

Remove the expectation of fidelity from marriage and this problem goes away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How about just marrying a man who...doesn't demand duty sex? My husband doesn't. My sex drive fluctuates, sometimes it's really low, sometimes it's embarrassingly high, but my husband would never to have sex with me if he knew I didn't want to.

This can work because, as you say, your drive fluctuates. Sure, it's not always high -- but, here's the key -- it's not always low. When months and years go by, the guy might start to think that duty sex is better than no sex.

a) some guys might start to think that but it doesn't entitle them to sex b) not my husband, he told me that the idea of having sex with somebody who doesn't want to have sex with him is a massive turn-off, which I think should be the normal response.

Agree that nobody is ever "entitled" to sex. But nobody is ever "entitled" to monogamy either. Fine if you don't want it, lots more fun finding somebody else who does want it.

Anonymous wrote:So question: if one partner really doesn't want to have sex but the other one does, why does the tie go to the man? Why has everybody agreed that the man's feelings are more important than the woman's?

That wasn’t the consensus. The consensus is: sex matters a whole whole lot to men, to the point that it makes or breaks a happy marriage.

So question: if one partner really doesn't want to have sex but the other one does, why does the tie go to the man? Why has everybody agreed that the man's feelings are more important than the woman's?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

How about just marrying a man who...doesn't demand duty sex? My husband doesn't. My sex drive fluctuates, sometimes it's really low, sometimes it's embarrassingly high, but my husband would never to have sex with me if he knew I didn't want to.

This can work because, as you say, your drive fluctuates. Sure, it's not always high -- but, here's the key -- it's not always low. When months and years go by, the guy might start to think that duty sex is better than no sex.

a) some guys might start to think that but it doesn't entitle them to sex b) not my husband, he told me that the idea of having sex with somebody who doesn't want to have sex with him is a massive turn-off, which I think should be the normal response.

Yes. And all women want is money to buy stuff so if a guy wants to leave his high-paying job for one that is less stressful he cannot, otherwise his wife is justified in going to another man for money.

Anonymous wrote:

How about just marrying a man who...doesn't demand duty sex? My husband doesn't. My sex drive fluctuates, sometimes it's really low, sometimes it's embarrassingly high, but my husband would never to have sex with me if he knew I didn't want to.

This can work because, as you say, your drive fluctuates. Sure, it's not always high -- but, here's the key -- it's not always low. When months and years go by, the guy might start to think that duty sex is better than no sex.