Anonymous
09/11/2019 07:35
Subject: Re:What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
That you can never be “ready” for a baby. You can buy all the stuff, read all the books, etc but nothing compares to those first days home with your first. I am pretty sure I looked at the nurse like she was crazy when she said we could leave the hospital. We got home and I just thought “now what? This for the rest of my life?” With my second baby I couldn’t leave the hospital fast enough.
Also nobody told me about the monotony of day to day stuff. It’s the same thing day in and day out with some fun and laughter sprinkled in the mix.
I love being a parent but the thought of making dinner for my kids for the rest of my life (well till they leave) makes me want to put a fork in my eye. And I love cooking!
Also nobody told me about the monotony of day to day stuff. It’s the same thing day in and day out with some fun and laughter sprinkled in the mix.
I love being a parent but the thought of making dinner for my kids for the rest of my life (well till they leave) makes me want to put a fork in my eye. And I love cooking!
Anonymous
09/11/2019 00:13
Subject: Re:What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
I didn't realize how all encompassing it is. I remember someone asked me not too long after my oldest was born about how much babies cost, and I went through and itemized some things: daycare, diapers, formula, etc. Then a few years later someone asked the same thing, and I remember just thinking "All of it. You will never make another major financial decision where you don't factor in your child."
And its not just finances. Our children impact so many life decisions. It's true for our careers, both of us, what city we decided to live in, and where in the city, how we spend our time on the weekends, where we vacation, who our friends are, whether or not we would get divorced when things got hard, how we think and talk and perceive every day experiences, our relationships with our own parents, etc etc.
I can't even say how much my children have impacted my life except to say that it has been thoroughly and in every aspect.
And its not just finances. Our children impact so many life decisions. It's true for our careers, both of us, what city we decided to live in, and where in the city, how we spend our time on the weekends, where we vacation, who our friends are, whether or not we would get divorced when things got hard, how we think and talk and perceive every day experiences, our relationships with our own parents, etc etc.
I can't even say how much my children have impacted my life except to say that it has been thoroughly and in every aspect.
Anonymous
09/11/2019 00:11
Subject: Re:What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Anonymous wrote:How different each child is, even with the same parenting and that some children are just born difficult. I used to judge people with poorly behaved children. Now, with one polite well-behaved child and another who has challenged us every single day of his life, I understand that some are more difficult than others, no matter how much effort you put into it.
Sorry to anyone I judged!!
Ditto! So true!!
Anonymous
09/10/2019 23:51
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Anonymous wrote:Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.
It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.
Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.
Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.
And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.
And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...
And then you're stuck.
I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.
I fell into this too.
It wasn't even that I didn't enjoy those things. I did. It just didn't occur to me that little decision by little decision in those early months/years, I was setting up a pattern for all of our years raising children.
Anonymous
09/10/2019 23:50
Subject: Re:What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Anonymous wrote:I did not understand how much parents love their kids. I never particularly liked kids. Now I have a baby, I get it. I'm consumed by love for her. I could stare at her all dayIt's helped me to understand other people.
It's been surprising how good it is. I was prepared for and read about all the bad things, but I didn't think about how wonderful it could be.
This. Nobody prepared me for how much fun it was. All I heard were complaints.
Also, I’m a guy and drop off and pick up my kid all the time and see many other fathers doing it too. No one seems to think it’s unusual or remark on it.
Anonymous
09/10/2019 22:59
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I didn't release how important it is to step back and let my children have control over something. I was the helicopter video running during everything mom. Then I watched my children sort of withdrawal from the fun. Once I put down the phone and let them be at the playground, at ice skating, etc they seemed alot happier. I am accepting that I may have a few moments undocumented but both of us living in real time is what makes the memories special in the first place.
Yeah I don't understand this obsessive need to take 50000000 pics of every kid every day plus videos. How many pics and videos do you have of yourself eating pancakes or putting on your raincoat or picking up your backpack? Do we really need to document EVERY moment lest we forget it?? Guaranteed you don't have even 1/10 of the pics of yourself that your kid has of himself, yet somehow you survived.
I take pictures almost every day because both sets of grandparents live far away and both grandfathers are absolutely nuts about my kid. My dad only gets to see my kid once every 8-12 months, and my mom told me the last thing he does in bed is scroll through watching pictures and videos.
Anonymous
09/10/2019 22:53
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).
The inequality is very depressing.
+1000 Also driven by your very own husband on the homefront.
Anonymous
09/10/2019 20:27
Subject: Re:What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
My son as a toddler loved trucks...so every time the recycling or the garbage truck came...we were outside...waving at the them. Then the drivers started to toot their horns, because he would laugh and clap his hands. After a few months of this, I was driving somewhere and the garbage truck was going past me...in the middle of the traffic...he recognized us and tooted his horn, much to the delight of my son.
I felt as if I was a beloved celebrity who was caught on the jumbotron of a ball game and I happily waved back!!!
I felt as if I was a beloved celebrity who was caught on the jumbotron of a ball game and I happily waved back!!!
Anonymous
09/10/2019 20:13
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Mother’s Intuition. I’ve never been wrong.
Anonymous
09/10/2019 20:01
Subject: Re:What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
“Making the decision to have a child - it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body.”
? Elizabeth Stone
I get it now. Being a parent is the hardest and scariest thing because you love someone more than yourself and your happiness. Heck! They are your happiness..
? Elizabeth Stone
I get it now. Being a parent is the hardest and scariest thing because you love someone more than yourself and your happiness. Heck! They are your happiness..
Anonymous
09/10/2019 19:29
Subject: Re:What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
That when you change a little boys diaper that you need to cover him or he might pee in your face! That was news to me.
Anonymous
09/10/2019 17:23
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
How it’s possible to not notice/mind how annoying your own kid is when everyone else’s are BLATANTLY annoying... love is weird
Anonymous
09/10/2019 17:11
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Second the point about gender inequality. Before you have kids you have oceans of time and autonomy. Once you have kids it becomes, inevitably, a competition between the spouses for time to work, play, sleep. And somehow it's mostly the women who get the short end of the stick.
It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.
Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.
Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.
And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.
And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...
And then you're stuck.
I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.
It doesn't happen because anyone "wants" it to happen (usually). It's the cumulative impact of all the little decisions and non-decisions.
Example: Doc says breast is best. Gotcha. So, woman is the one who gets up four times in the middle of the night to feed the baby because, well, husband has no breastmilk (and pumping a lot of extra is also hard, esp. early). So baby gets used to mom and is easier for mom to settle down... so mom becomes the parent the baby gets handed to when things are tough... and it becomes self fulfilling.
Ditto: mom gets more parental leave than dad and spends more time with baby, so gets better at handling baby things efficiently and settling baby... self-fulfilling, see above.
And then: mom is sleep-deprived and has been off work for months. It starts seeming like maybe someone should stay home or cut back on work to care for the baby, and mom probably made a little less money than dad, and she's been home anyway, and she's better at baby stuff by now (see above), and maybe dad's a little older and his career is more advanced so it somehow seems higher stakes if he quits or cuts back... and anyway mom is now so sleep-deprived she can't imagine being fully functioning at work... so if anyone's career goes on the back burner, it's hers.
And then... husband thinks, well, I have the important job and make more money, and she is home all day/two days a week/more hours each day... so really there is not reason not to expect her to handle the play dates and doctors appointments and making dinner...
And then you're stuck.
I also wish I had read "The Bitch in the House" before having children. It might have led me to think through some things and talk them through with DH so we could avoid the problems that emerged. In hindsight I feel very naive. I fell into all the traps I described above.
Anonymous
09/10/2019 17:08
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:How having kids opens up whole new worlds you otherwise never would have discovered, and let’s you See things you thought you knew through an entirely different lens - and how much fun it is to do so for these little people you live.
Never thought I’d happily learn how to judge diving meets, or be so genuinely excited to watch a little boy (not even my own little boy) score his first basket after four years on the team. Or that I’d become a connoisseur of East Coast roller coasters, eagerly anticipate the release of the next Percy Jackson book, and cry out excitedly when the metro Is visible from the highway.
"Look guys a train!"
OMG yes. I was walking down Connecticut with some colleagues when my oldest was a baby, and accidentally said, "Look, a bus!"
Anonymous
09/10/2019 16:52
Subject: What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That we really, really do not yet live in a society with gender equality. Workplace policies and cultural expectations both push women to be the default parent. You can maintain the illusion of gender equality until you have kids. Then you realize we’re still basically in the 1950s. (How many men know the names of their kids‘ doctors and dentists and teachers and classmates? Some. But not most. How many women? All of us).
The inequality is very depressing.
I'm not saying that everybody can do this but both my H and I took a hit at income to be flexible and we both did everything.
When my H would take off for a sick kid his boss would say, "what is wrong with your wife"... he would say "nothing, I unlike you like my kids and want to be there for them" or many variations of the same type of comment.
Actually, my doctor once said to me..."oh there is a mom" ... I said, "that is very rude, I married a competent H and you are shaming me for it?" He did apologize and was very sorry and said, he has to get use to the new way us young kids do things.
Same.
My work was surprised when I didn't take time off when our DD was sick, because DH could do it. He also did pick-ups and drop offs to school, and was the only dad doing it. Our DD is 15 now and has very fond memories of this, because it made her special in her class. They are still very close.