Anonymous
Post 07/17/2019 05:55     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:Find a curb, and kick her to it.

You’ve only found one, and it went on for years, YEARS without you knowing.

Think how many guys she’s spread her legs for - in your bed, on your couch, hotels, when she had to “work late,” etc. I bet she wore her ring for each one.

She’s shown you who she is. What are you going to do?


Man, I’m a (not cheating) wife and comments like these are so f*cking brutal I think they would take my breath away if I was OP. I mean I get you’re trying to help him see things clearly but picturing this kind of stuff about your spouse is a kick in the gut.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2019 05:47     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
I had a similar thing happen to me and I read all these books and took a lot of online course on saving your marriage. There’s a whole industry on how to win her back. Ultimately the type of betrayal is so extreme there’s really no way back. See if she really wants to be with him and negotiate a favorable deal NOW while her brain is still in affair mode.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 23:31     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
I am a woman. If I were you, I'd have left her yesterday. She will continue to lie and cheat on you. She has been lying to you for years.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 23:25     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:OP, I assume your wife and the OM still work together, correct? A risk in telling the other spouse - and I saw it play it in my office - is that she calls the employer and gets them involved and then all bets are off, with termination being a possibility. Depending on your financial situation, consider this and the other ways in which you lose control of things once you involve the other spouse. I’ve also seen a spouse shame her husband and the OW by name on social media. Lots to think about and sorry you are in this spot.


All of this. OP, you have too much to lose by telling the other spouse. As others have mentioned, she may already know and not care, but if she does care, this could blow up quite publicly. You have to think about your financial security and the well-being of your children. Revenge, however sweet, is not worth it.

Another point is that telling the other spouse sometimes backfires. The drama of the conflict may heighten the excitement they get from the affair--them against the world, ya know?

If your spouse is serious about fixing the marriage, she needs to quit her job as soon as possible, cut all ties with her AP, and get intensive therapy.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 22:48     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Find a curb, and kick her to it.

You’ve only found one, and it went on for years, YEARS without you knowing.

Think how many guys she’s spread her legs for - in your bed, on your couch, hotels, when she had to “work late,” etc. I bet she wore her ring for each one.

She’s shown you who she is. What are you going to do?
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 22:23     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
OP, first, I am very sorry you are going through this.

With this acknowledgment of your pain out of way, DO NOT tell your wife you want to work on the marriage. Even if you feel that way. Keep it to yourself. Two basic reasons: a) first, she will lose whatever respect for you she had, and feel a bit disgusted even that you would get over it so quickly. b) you, yourself, will in a couple of weeks feel a surge of humiliation and it will come out in all kinds of ugly ways. Don't tell her. If fact, the less you talk to her right now, the better. Only talk about the kids and joint projects. She needs some distance and some major uncertainty about which way things will go. This is a long game.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 22:11     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. Is she remorseful? How long did the affair go on? What caused you to suspect it?

It’s great that you are committed to keeping your family together but your wife should have some awareness that she could lose everything if she doesn’t get her s**t together; she needs to be as invested as you and take steps like finding another job ASAP.

You mentioned that she is “willing” to go to therapy with you but that sounds a bit passive to me; she needs to be proactive in taking the steps to repair things. The fact that you aren’t even thinking of a separation might cause her to feel more comfortable than she should.

Was (is) the affair also emotional? Was she ever considering lesving your marriage?


Yes she seems remorseful. The connection was made 5 years ago but the relationship became inappropriate 3 years ago. I had suspected it for sometime (2 + years) based on gut instinct, relationship withdraw, lack of intimacy... Faced with my own insecurities and wanting to not rock the boat for the family I never went looking. Once I went looking, it was not hard to connect the dots.

Yes the affair was emotional. Yes she had considered leaving. I think the fact that the affair partner was/is also married complicated matters.


So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices.

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask?


The point you make has been discussed and made that it was very selfish, entitled, and disrespectful to enjoy an unencumbered relationship. Marriage is hard. Raising a family is hard. The hundreds of little tasks we do day in and day out are hard. I don’t know if we will get past this. All I can do is try. I owe it to myself and my family to see if we can get things back on track. I am not looking to make quick decisions. I want to know at the end of this journey I did what was right and best for me, the kids, and her.

Unfortunately when you are in the emotional place I am now you have all of those thoughts and then some. The important part is not letting yourself dwell in those dark places.


I’m really proud of you for trying to save the marriage OP, if it’s okay to say that. It’s the harder path. No advice, but just wanted to know that I’m rooting for you.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 22:01     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I recently confirmed my wife had an affair with a married coworker that lasted several years. I confronted her with the information and she acknowledged the affair. I am struggling with whether or not I should connect with the other affair partner or even contact his spouse. This just sucks!


You say this with past tense - so the affair is over? For how long has it been over?

Are you two going to go to therapy and try to make amends, she feels remorse, you forgive, you both put this behind you. ? .


Read the thread. It’s all in here.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 22:00     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please women do not go all freaky with the new guy. She did the same old boring stuff she did with OP and most likely just as bad. Every women has been conditioned by society to think of themselves are great at sex. Why would she change anything...she is great at sex!


Married women I have slept with are lavish with the spontaneous, enthusiastic BJs, and will let you in the back door on the first encounter. Not freaky, but most likely hubby ain't getting that any more if he ever did. Also, married women simply don't care if you use protection or not, so I never do.


+1. Married women are the best. And the feeling of new “love”. I would get so hot on my drive to her house when her DH was away. Only one experience. And she was wild.


This is all so horrible and not helpful to the OP at all. Keep your conquests to yourself.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 21:59     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:Your wife needs to commit to finding another job ASAP. I might even ask her to quit today.


+100
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 21:58     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:I recently confirmed my wife had an affair with a married coworker that lasted several years. I confronted her with the information and she acknowledged the affair. I am struggling with whether or not I should connect with the other affair partner or even contact his spouse. This just sucks!


You say this with past tense - so the affair is over? For how long has it been over?

Are you two going to go to therapy and try to make amends, she feels remorse, you forgive, you both put this behind you. ? .
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 21:56     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
So she only stayed with you because the other guy was married, not because she wants it to work. Some guy gets to bang your wife and all of the good parts of her, you get no sex and all of the hassle. He's a lucky guy, all fun and no headache all on your sacrifices. [True]

Do you wonder if she did stuff with him that she won't do with you? I hear that's common.Did you ask? [Who cares. Doesn't matter. If they only did boring missionary vanilla PIV, she's still a cheater and you should still get divorced.]


It matters, you know she did stuff with the other guy that she would never do with her husband, probably still won't with him. The AP gets all of the freaky stuff.


Nope. Doesn't matter.

What would a betrayed husband do differently if his wife "only" gave some other dude the same kind of sex she gave him, as opposed to freaky stuff? Nothing. Once she takes some other guy's dick, that's it, it's over. Doesn't matter at all what she does with that dick.


Please women do not go all freaky with the new guy. She did the same old boring stuff she did with OP and most likely just as bad. Every women has been conditioned by society to think of themselves are great at sex. Why would she change anything...she is great at sex!


Not true! I was once OM. I definitely got the goods that she wasn't giving to him!


I honestly have not given more to ap than dh. In fact dh has done way more with me than ap probably every will.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 21:41     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please women do not go all freaky with the new guy. She did the same old boring stuff she did with OP and most likely just as bad. Every women has been conditioned by society to think of themselves are great at sex. Why would she change anything...she is great at sex!


Married women I have slept with are lavish with the spontaneous, enthusiastic BJs, and will let you in the back door on the first encounter. Not freaky, but most likely hubby ain't getting that any more if he ever did. Also, married women simply don't care if you use protection or not, so I never do.


+1. Married women are the best. And the feeling of new “love”. I would get so hot on my drive to her house when her DH was away. Only one experience. And she was wild.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 21:23     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t understand why op started this thread. What was he trying to gain?


From what the PP provided, some insight into the services his wife may have been providing?


I am sure she was doing a lot of stuff she doesn’t usually do with op. But that helps how?
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2019 21:20     Subject: Wife had Affair with Coworker
Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t understand why op started this thread. What was he trying to gain?


From what the PP provided, some insight into the services his wife may have been providing?