I’m sure you realize that always having it with him and being locked are bad signs. Start with checking the phone records - you can check for patterns in texting and calls to specific numbers, and what apps have been downloaded. Cheaters tend to use WhatsApp, etc.

Not OP but I have a question. Suspect my DH is hiding something (long story). I would love to check his phone but I don't know his password and he always has it with him. He also has an ipad (password protected) but I have more access to that. Tips/advice?

Op you don't need to delve into his phone. He liked a photo and that is still keeping contact and a door open to her.

If he was serious and committed to the marriage he would not have had any form of contact with her, none.

The first step is the hardest. Only you can make this decision at this stage. You either stay married knowing it is an open marriage or you decide to divorce. He won't make that decision for you and that isn't about you but it's really about him. It's in his favour to stay in the marriage at the moment. So you make the call depending on what you want out of life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks everyone. I’m devastated. I really thought the affair was behind us. Things have been going so well and he seemed extremely committed and devoted. I’m almost certain that when I confront him he’s going to say “it’s just a like. I’m not actually talking to her”

Have you even bothered to check his phone while he's sleeping?

Does he have:
WhatsApp?
Instagram?
Twitter?
Facebook messenger?
Google Voice?
or the million other apps that he can contact her on and then hide it as an invisible app?

Does he go to work or an office every day?
How could you possibly know what he's doing all day if he does?

I think you're being extremely naive and in willfull denial. You act like you want to know, but you dont REALLY want to know, or you might have to take a stand and that's something you don't want to do.

CHECK HIS PHONE... not Facebook, his PHONE.

+1000

Why are you even bothering to check, OP?
You don't really want to know what's going on, as you've got your head stuck so deep in the sand. You're terrified of what you'll *really* find, so instead of doing a deep dive on his phone, you simply keep an eye on his Facebook activity (which is really quite sad on your part).

What happens if you find he cheated again?
He knows you're not going to do anything.
Sure, you might "threaten" to leave, but he knows that there's never going to be follow through when it comes to your threats, so he knows he can do whatever he wants because you're never going to leave.

You're not going anywhere... he knows this and deep down you know it, so he has no fear and no respect for you or the sanctity of marriage.

What happens when *she* decides to leave her husband for your husband and he leaves you?
Will it be such a "shock" to you then?

+1000

If you *really* want to know what's going on, you'll do a DEEP DIVE on his phone.

If you don't, he'll always look at you like a sucker that he can pull anything over on (and I can't say that I disagree with him there).

Get some self respect... and a spine for God's sake.

Haven't you ever heard the expression:

"If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything" ?

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks everyone. I’m devastated. I really thought the affair was behind us. Things have been going so well and he seemed extremely committed and devoted. I’m almost certain that when I confront him he’s going to say “it’s just a like. I’m not actually talking to her”

Have you even bothered to check his phone while he's sleeping?

Does he have:
WhatsApp?
Instagram?
Twitter?
Facebook messenger?
Google Voice?
or the million other apps that he can contact her on and then hide it as an invisible app?

Does he go to work or an office every day?
How could you possibly know what he's doing all day if he does?

I think you're being extremely naive and in willfull denial. You act like you want to know, but you dont REALLY want to know, or you might have to take a stand and that's something you don't want to do.

CHECK HIS PHONE... not Facebook, his PHONE.

+1000

Why are you even bothering to check, OP?
You don't really want to know what's going on, as you've got your head stuck so deep in the sand. You're terrified of what you'll *really* find, so instead of doing a deep dive on his phone, you simply keep an eye on his Facebook activity (which is really quite sad on your part).

What happens if you find he cheated again?
He knows you're not going to do anything.
Sure, you might "threaten" to leave, but he knows that there's never going to be follow through when it comes to your threats, so he knows he can do whatever he wants because you're never going to leave.

You're not going anywhere... he knows this and deep down you know it, so he has no fear and no respect for you or the sanctity of marriage.

What happens when *she* decides to leave her husband for your husband and he leaves you?
Will it be such a "shock" to you then?

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks everyone. I’m devastated. I really thought the affair was behind us. Things have been going so well and he seemed extremely committed and devoted. I’m almost certain that when I confront him he’s going to say “it’s just a like. I’m not actually talking to her”

Have you even bothered to check his phone while he's sleeping?

Does he have:
WhatsApp?
Instagram?
Twitter?
Facebook messenger?
Google Voice?
or the million other apps that he can contact her on and then hide it as an invisible app?

Does he go to work or an office every day?
How could you possibly know what he's doing all day if he does?

I think you're being extremely naive and in willfull denial. You act like you want to know, but you dont REALLY want to know, or you might have to take a stand and that's something you don't want to do.

CHECK HIS PHONE... not Facebook, his PHONE.

Anonymous wrote:Um. OP...it’s been 10+’years, you’ve asked him to cut contact and he refuses and gaslights you about being unreasonable.

It’s pointless for us to tell you again, almost a year later to leave him because you won’t. But you should.

He KNOWS she's never leaving, he's not stupid!

If she didn't do anything when she demanded he block her on SM and he didn't, why would she do anything now??

You have ZERO leverage OP, your husband knows that you're all talk, you're never leaving him and he's free to do whatever he wants, wherever he wants.

You're all talk, no follow through whatsoever and he's got NO respect for you or your marriage.

You are in NO place to make demands, as you've proven time and again that you're not leaving and you never will.

It's truly pathetic at this point.

OP, I have some experience with this from the other side. I had an affair while married to my now ex-husband. It's time for you to move on with your life. I'm sorry you're in this situation; I'm certain you don't deserve it. He's trying to have it all, but he can't. If it's been a year, and he still cannot commit to no-contact, someone needs to make a decision. That someone should be you. See a lawyer, so you'll feel more empowered and think about what you want from the divorce.

There's life and love after divorce. Don't drag it out. It will not be easy, but you'll survive this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks everyone. I’m devastated. I really thought the affair was behind us. Things have been going so well and he seemed extremely committed and devoted. I’m almost certain that when I confront him he’s going to say “it’s just a like. I’m not actually talking to her”

Yep, he will. Smile and not and squirrel away money and contact a lawyer. And therapy, yes, do that too.

I wouldn't even bother squirreling away money. In the meantime you'll just go soft again, OP. While you're still mad, get in to see a lawyer in the next couple days and clear out the bank accounts. Change the locks or move into your own apartment.

If you were my friend, I wouldn't even be mad at him -- at this point I would be mad at you. You need friends who will be honest with you. You sound pathetic (I'm sorry!) and as if you have zero self respect.

Damn, harsh.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks everyone. I’m devastated. I really thought the affair was behind us. Things have been going so well and he seemed extremely committed and devoted. I’m almost certain that when I confront him he’s going to say “it’s just a like. I’m not actually talking to her”

Yep, he will. Smile and not and squirrel away money and contact a lawyer. And therapy, yes, do that too.

I wouldn't even bother squirreling away money. In the meantime you'll just go soft again, OP. While you're still mad, get in to see a lawyer in the next couple days and clear out the bank accounts. Change the locks or move into your own apartment.

If you were my friend, I wouldn't even be mad at him -- at this point I would be mad at you. You need friends who will be honest with you. You sound pathetic (I'm sorry!) and as if you have zero self respect.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: thanks everyone. I’m devastated. I really thought the affair was behind us. Things have been going so well and he seemed extremely committed and devoted. I’m almost certain that when I confront him he’s going to say “it’s just a like. I’m not actually talking to her”

Yep, he will. Smile and not and squirrel away money and contact a lawyer. And therapy, yes, do that too.

OP, you need a lawyer and a therapist. Do not confront your DH, just get your ducks in order and execute a plan to leave. Put your energy and focus there, on a new life for you and your kids. He is not going to give her up and if not her, there will be someone else. You need to disengage from this and take concrete steps to move forward. You will be so glad you did, btdt and you do not realize the toll it is taking when you are trying to hang onto a rx that exists in name only. Best to you.

OP here: thanks everyone. I’m devastated. I really thought the affair was behind us. Things have been going so well and he seemed extremely committed and devoted. I’m almost certain that when I confront him he’s going to say “it’s just a like. I’m not actually talking to her”

The point of "no contact" is to refocus the cheaters attention on their marr. So "liking" a post may be a gray area in terms of contact, but it violates the principle, which is to stop investing time, energy etc in the AP.

None of this really matters though, because op is married to a lying, cheating douchebag who takes her for granted

Op, once you end this marriage you will gain clarity and peace. You don't deserve this misery.