Anonymous
Post 02/23/2019 16:53     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:As a cheater ... he probably did it because he could. I could cite low self esteem, some unresolved issues and resentments, anger with my husband. But real reason is that I was selfish and unwilling to face the issues I had. I met somebody and felt a connection and hadn't felt that for ages and decided the risk was worth it, and I went with it.

Cheaters are jerks. Immature and unable to deal with the reality of the present. Cheating gives you a mini-vacation from the stress of day to day life. It was the bright spot in my day that was otherwise beset with crap. But it isn't sustainable, because that bright spot belongs to somebody else.


This is OP again. How did you come to realize this about yourself? Did your husband feel like your life together was crap before your affair? I’m asking because I don’t see how my husband could have felt our life was crappy—I certainly didn’t! I suspect that “he did it because he could” is part of the reason, but I just don’t be get it! I could sleep with someone I meet at a bar too, but I don’t because I love my DH, my kids and our life together. This is a betrayal and also a rejection of me on so many levels. If this is the reason, he’s saying “I don’t care about you”, “I don’t care about our family”, “you’re not enough for me”, “you stupidly thought we were happy, but we’re not” and on and on.


How did I come to realize this ... Lots of introspection for a few years after my affair. I'm still working on it. I know more about myself now, and looking back I can see a LOT more of my cheating tendencies from way back. Never actually cheated, but my boundaries are bad.

Did my H feel our life was crap before my affair? Probably not. And I didn't either. Because our life wasn't crap. We aren't fighters. We work to get along. But there was something missing, and that was closeness. We had sex, fine. But we weren't close. At least I didn't feel close. DH was working, not paying attention to us. Other issues I'd rather not get into here. But we'd lost our connection. It had been gone for a while. And I'm not good at admitting when there is a problem. Or even acknowledging to myself that there was a problem.

Sleeping with somebody else is betrayal and rejection of you. Yes, it absolutely is. That is actually also what I was doing (for my own reasons). I was betraying and rejecting my husband for the things I was not admitting I felt in real life. I think that was me ... trying to play it perfect? I'm fine, it's all fine, this is FINE. But you can't ignore your feelings and emotions forever. And you can't pretend you aren't hurt forever. And I couldn't ignore my husband's betrayals and pretend they weren't betrayals forever. But instead of admitting all that, that I had some anger and grief and pain ... I had an affair. I like what the other poster said about having no emotional intelligence. I have no emotional intelligence, I'm emotionally immature. I know how to suppress. SO, yes, for me it was a huge betrayal and rejection of my husband. I know why I was betraying and rejecting. But your DH has to figure that out for himself.


as betraying and rejecting. But your DH has to figure that out for himself.



This is OP again after some time away to process. This thread has been really helpful because, of course, I’m not talking to my friends/family about this yet.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my questions.
Re: poor boundaries. I think my boundaries are poor too and this is part of what’s making me feel so bad! It would be a lot easier to say, “f*** him” and leave, but I’m here trying to figure out if I can handle being treated this way and disliking the “weak” part of myself.

DH has started individual therapy. He’s very remorseful and putting a lot of effort into showing me how much he loves me. We’ve had a ton of sex. It’s very confusing. It’s especially painful to realize that something must be missing from the relationship (even if it seemed pretty solid to me) or at least that he felt something was missing and that I was not enough for him. That’s not just self pity! I’m mad about it and I think he’s stupid for not recognizing what a great thing we had, but it still hurts to think, yes, something was missing and he went looking for it. Like, here I am l, finding fulfillment in my career/kids/friends/gym/book group/whatever and he needed more!—am I the stupid one for not needing more?



OP - I get why you think that way. I can tell you from a man's perspective that it just might not be true. Him cheating does not = something missing. Sometimes, doubts creep in. Could this have been better? What would she have been like? I wish I had that. And then they find out that they weren't missing a thing and they had it good. It sounds like that could be your H.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2019 16:45     Subject: Re:DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Women vastly over-analyze men. He cheated for the same reason a single man has sex. Because it's a biological drive to do it. He just lost his will-power to say no. It's not some existential act, it's just a fleeting belief he can do it and get away with it.

It's not an excuse fo rhis behavior, he made a vow, he should keep it. But to ask hi to try and figure out why he did it is like asking a hungry person why they ate.


That’s bullshit.


I understand why you think that but it's not. Sex is one of the ways I stay connected to my wife. Between us, it is an expression of love (and one of the ways we express love). That said, I have slept with many women where love was never a factor and never on the horizon. Some men are better at suppress the natural urge and have better self control but, for many men, an affair is not an expression of love for another woman. It's simply primal. The urge is almost always there. It's the level of risk taking and maturity that determines the outcome.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2019 16:30     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just goes to show that dress size and sex life frequency and intencity don’t really matter.
I am sorry this happened to you. Desire for new things is human nature and maybe you should use this situation as a push for new things for you, too.
A committed yet open relationship sounds fun!


Oh but they really do matter quite a lot!!
Staying thin and sexually actively does not guarantee faithfulness.
But getting fat an sexless most certainly does guarantee UN-faithfulness.


+1. I have never cheated, but my wife has all but ended our sexual relationship. Yes we have talked about it. Yes I help around the house, in fact do more than my share. There is a physical and emotional void there that needs to be filled.


OK, but getting fat and being sexless in the relationship does NOT justify cheating. It does justify talking about the serious problems in the relationship and asking for an open marriage and negotiating those terms transparently and cinsensually or asking for a divorce.

There is literally NOTHING that juatifies cheating as long as your spouse is sentient enough to negotiate and exercise consent. Those persons married to spuses who are chronically ill to the point of legal nom-competence in decision-making may have different choices.

But, if your spouse and you entered a marriage on the basis of monogamy, and then you violate that agreement by engaging in non-monigamy and secretly manipulating the spouse to think otherwise thru lies and gaslighting, then you are engaging in emotional abuse. And, if you commit infidelity and continue to sleep with your wife as well while under the pretense of minogamy , well, then you are engaging in non-consensual sex by fraud with your wife.


Want to know what happens when one from the crazy tree goes to law school?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2019 13:32     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.

I am a woman and disagree. If a wife asks for this type of postnup, it look like the wife is looking for an exit strategy as much as it would make the husband for not giving it. Bad suggestion all around
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 14:23     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What situation left to the one night stand? Work conference or something?


I was out of town with the kids for a kids’ sports thing and he went for a drink, met a woman who said she was in a committed yet open relationship, got her number...made a plan and the following week, came home late from what I thought was a work thing. He told me a week after that. He took her out to dinner and drinks at a place not very far from our house!


Wow. I’m a man, married and age 40. And the older I get the more I realize I have no interest in infidelity (never had any) and any gal who would be interested in me in that way I would pretty much guaranteed be repulsed by anyway.

Dude has some serious issues too, and needs to deal with those.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 14:06     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.


Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 14:04     Subject: DH had an affair
Time for a postnup. His reaction to the suggestion will tell you a lot. He needs to transfer a large sum or a significant asset into your sole name as your non-marital property as a surety for his good faith, plus an agreement for an above and beyond split in your favor should you divorce. If he's not interested in that? He is looking for an exit.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 13:48     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, reading Ester Perel, listening to her podcasts, and listening to this podcast: https://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2017/05/19/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-seven-rerun

really helped me understand infidelity. You may find more comfort in her thoughts than on here.



OP, Don't read this... she is toxic and just trying to make money not a scientist.


do you think marriage and family therapists focus on berating the cheater?


FWIW, ours did not.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 13:13     Subject: Re:DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:Women vastly over-analyze men. He cheated for the same reason a single man has sex. Because it's a biological drive to do it. He just lost his will-power to say no. It's not some existential act, it's just a fleeting belief he can do it and get away with it.

It's not an excuse fo rhis behavior, he made a vow, he should keep it. But to ask hi to try and figure out why he did it is like asking a hungry person why they ate.


Except, his AP sounds like an STD incubator.

Sorry, but even if I was a cheater--which I'm not--I have more respect for my dick than to stick it in that mess.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 13:09     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, reading Ester Perel, listening to her podcasts, and listening to this podcast: https://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2017/05/19/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-seven-rerun

really helped me understand infidelity. You may find more comfort in her thoughts than on here.



OP, Don't read this... she is toxic and just trying to make money not a scientist.


do you think marriage and family therapists focus on berating the cheater?


Marriage therapy for a cheater... not a good idea.

Individual therapy is a good idea so the person can decide if they want to be married or not without the pressure of "fixing the marriage".

Nobody should berate anybody... like the cheater should not berate the wife for spending too much time with the kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 13:06     Subject: DH had an affair
So, his girlfriend said she was in a "committed but open relationship"? That means his AP could be having sex with any number of other men.

AND this was the best your husband could find to have his affair with???

YECCCCHHHHHH
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 12:26     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:He told you because someone saw him. Dinner date and back to her place tells me this is not his first foray. Sorry. I would check into a nice hotel for a few days.



YEah, this isn't the first time he's done it.


No one has told me they saw him. They went to a hotel, not her place. She’s married too.

If I check into a hotel, I’d have to tell my kids something and I don’t want to do that yet.


can't you go away for a few days? Visit friends in another city, or go on a yoga retreat..
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 10:15     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, reading Ester Perel, listening to her podcasts, and listening to this podcast: https://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2017/05/19/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-seven-rerun

really helped me understand infidelity. You may find more comfort in her thoughts than on here.



OP, Don't read this... she is toxic and just trying to make money not a scientist.


do you think marriage and family therapists focus on berating the cheater?
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 10:14     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, reading Ester Perel, listening to her podcasts, and listening to this podcast: https://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2017/05/19/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-seven-rerun

really helped me understand infidelity. You may find more comfort in her thoughts than on here.



Ugh. I hate Perel. I have listened to these and really find her to be a victim-blamer. She only considers the perspective of the cheater. It is also clear she enters therapy with a bias against monogamy and she herself hints at her own marriages monogamy problems.


I agree that now may not be the time for Perel. I also had a really negative reaction to her, but it became more nuanced when I listened to her podcast. She definitely calls the cheaters out -- but she doesn't treat the subject of "why did he/she cheat" with nuance. She does show empathy for both sides, but that seems appropriate since the couples all came jointly for counseling.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2019 10:14     Subject: DH had an affair
Anonymous wrote:OP, reading Ester Perel, listening to her podcasts, and listening to this podcast: https://www.wbur.org/dearsugar/2017/05/19/dear-sugar-episode-twenty-seven-rerun

really helped me understand infidelity. You may find more comfort in her thoughts than on here.



OP, Don't read this... she is toxic and just trying to make money not a scientist.