Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A multi day wedding? I would have declined based on that alone.

OP do you actually want to go to the reception?

My kids even at 10 would have been over the whole wedding thing after all of that.

The late notice on kid free reception would bother me. If you had known from day one you could have made the appropriate decision., like not having the kids involved at all.

Now I think you just deal with it somehow. Send DH on his own maybe for the reception.

Do not sneak cake to your kids. Tell the happy couple you're taking some. Don't ask.

Disappointed kids don't have much choice but to be sad and then get over it. It really isn't about them.

Kind of a crappy situation that could have been avoided by the bride and groom being up front from day one.

All[i] weddings have a dinner hosted by the grooms family 2 days before wedding, rehearsal dinner day before wedding, actual wedding, brunch day after. NBD.

I guess we didn't have a wedding then since we didn't do all of that. Half the bridal party barely made it to the rehearsal between work and family stuff.

I don't get the all weddings stuff in bold. Rehearsal dinner the day before should be for people in the wedding, parents, maybe sibs if they are in town. Not every relative on the planet. If people can drive or 1-3 hours for a Saturday wedding why go the day before? Mandatory feed at a brunch on Sunday? Hello? Guests that fly would have to pay 2-4 times more to fly out mid afternoon or a Sunday evening. Prices go up because people need to get back to home base for work on Monday.

I think the use of "All" is the problem. What the PP describes is traditional in many areas of the country but not all. I used to think of that scenario as a "Southern" wedding, but I think some of it has spread elsewhere. There are many variations and budgets.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A multi day wedding? I would have declined based on that alone.

OP do you actually want to go to the reception?

My kids even at 10 would have been over the whole wedding thing after all of that.

The late notice on kid free reception would bother me. If you had known from day one you could have made the appropriate decision., like not having the kids involved at all.

Now I think you just deal with it somehow. Send DH on his own maybe for the reception.

Do not sneak cake to your kids. Tell the happy couple you're taking some. Don't ask.

Disappointed kids don't have much choice but to be sad and then get over it. It really isn't about them.

Kind of a crappy situation that could have been avoided by the bride and groom being up front from day one.

All weddings have a dinner hosted by the grooms family 2 days before wedding, rehearsal dinner day before wedding, actual wedding, brunch day after. NBD.

Um no. All weddings don't have all this stuff. In fact, I've been to many weddings and been in many bridal parties and I've never been to one that included all the events you list. My own wedding we had a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner (paid for by grooms family) the night before, then the actual wedding. No dinner two nights before, no brunch the day after.

Anonymous wrote:All of you go to the non-reception events as planned. For the reception, just DH goes and you take the kids out for a fun evening on their own. If BIL asks, just say you couldn't find a sitter for the kids that evening so you'll be watching them.

+1.

I hope your brother-in-law just removes her kids out of the wedding party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are *in* the wedding as flower girls, completely inappropriate to disinvite them from the reception.

I would take the high road, cooperate, don't say anything, but you can know that you are right in your feelings and they are wrong in what they are doing.

Agree. OP no one would blame you for cooperating to save the family relationships, but just know that a lot of us completely agree with you that they are in the wrong.

Meh. They’re not in the wrong.

You actually think it’s okay not to invite the wedding party to the reception? Especially after they have spent days travelling and engaging in other events?

I don’t consider children “the wedding party.” They don’t need to attend an adult party, especially when they’ve attended all sorts of other events. Bride and groom are perfectly within reason to request they have one child free event of the weekend.

You are crazy. What BIL is doing is beyond rude.

Rude, I've been to several "no children" weddings where family members and wedding party is still invited, the "no children" rule was only applied to all the other guests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A multi day wedding? I would have declined based on that alone.

OP do you actually want to go to the reception?

My kids even at 10 would have been over the whole wedding thing after all of that.

The late notice on kid free reception would bother me. If you had known from day one you could have made the appropriate decision., like not having the kids involved at all.

Now I think you just deal with it somehow. Send DH on his own maybe for the reception.

Do not sneak cake to your kids. Tell the happy couple you're taking some. Don't ask.

Disappointed kids don't have much choice but to be sad and then get over it. It really isn't about them.

Kind of a crappy situation that could have been avoided by the bride and groom being up front from day one.

All weddings have a dinner hosted by the grooms family 2 days before wedding, rehearsal dinner day before wedding, actual wedding, brunch day after. NBD.

I guess we didn't have a wedding then since we didn't do all of that. Half the bridal party barely made it to the rehearsal between work and family stuff.

I don't get the all weddings stuff in bold. Rehearsal dinner the day before should be for people in the wedding, parents, maybe sibs if they are in town. Not every relative on the planet. If people can drive or 1-3 hours for a Saturday wedding why go the day before? Mandatory feed at a brunch on Sunday? Hello? Guests that fly would have to pay 2-4 times more to fly out mid afternoon or a Sunday evening. Prices go up because people need to get back to home base for work on Monday.

Anonymous wrote:I hope it works out OP.

I do too. I'm of the mind that not inviting the bridal party is crappy but I also get that the bride doesn't really know the kids and is including them to be nice. That said, they're KIDS. And they're in the wedding so it's not like 2nd cousin Susie from Arkansas can make a big fuss that her kids can't come - bridal party only! If you pull the kids now, it becomes a big issue, so I'd have DH have one more conversation with his brother and just be like "hey, the girls are excited about everything - it's really bumming them out to come all this way and then not come to the 'big party' - can we compromise?"

Anonymous wrote:Wedding party should be invited.

Non-Wedding party = up to the bride and groom.

This is the answer. Not having them at the reception is beyond rude if they're in the wedding.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A multi day wedding? I would have declined based on that alone.

OP do you actually want to go to the reception?

My kids even at 10 would have been over the whole wedding thing after all of that.

The late notice on kid free reception would bother me. If you had known from day one you could have made the appropriate decision., like not having the kids involved at all.

Now I think you just deal with it somehow. Send DH on his own maybe for the reception.

Do not sneak cake to your kids. Tell the happy couple you're taking some. Don't ask.

Disappointed kids don't have much choice but to be sad and then get over it. It really isn't about them.

Kind of a crappy situation that could have been avoided by the bride and groom being up front from day one.

All weddings have a dinner hosted by the grooms family 2 days before wedding, rehearsal dinner day before wedding, actual wedding, brunch day after. NBD.

I guess we didn't have a wedding then since we didn't do all of that. Half the bridal party barely made it to the rehearsal between work and family stuff.

I KNEW this wasn’t a case of “but the bridezilla NEEDS her cute little prop children!!!!” I just knew it!

I hope it works out OP.

This is OP. Thanks so much for all the replies. I think the simple answer at this point is that the couple probably doesn't care particularly if the kids are in the wedding -- it's nice for the pics but that's it. And that's fine. A little strange given that this BIL really does love my kids (and they adore him), but his fiancee has only met them maybe four times total and they have a right to make their own decision. But I'm not sure it makes sense to spend all this money to bring the kids. We can walk that back easily without offending anyone. We can also just go forward as planned, and my kids will be disappointed, but will obviously live. I will not send my DH alone to the reception, and I will not make a huge stink about anything. Not worth it, and my DH needs my support this year (MIL passed in the last year). So, we'll look into the possibility of a babysitter at home for three nights, and then weigh our options.