Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who said no kids, knowing that many of the families on their guest list would be unable to arrange child care since they'd be far from home. The couple marrying needed to have a small wedding because of costs and figured that this would trim the guest list down without them having to make decisions about who not to invite.

As it turned out, a lot of people just couldn't do it, between the travel and having to arrange child care, so they declined.
Then, the bride was all upset because so few people were able to make it to her wedding!

Weddings are emotional times, you just have to do what works best for you and your family.

I’m sure that’s what will happen. They reserved places for about 400 people (my aunt and uncle paid for the chunk of this wedding). Most guests are family members and friends, most have children. It’s across the state held in a rural area and we were looking forward to using it as a family reunion but now we may skip out.

I’ll also add it wasn’t clear upfront no children were allowed. The invite said Mr. and Mrs. Larlo and then after we RSVPd we received a mass email to all guest saying no kids under 16.

Yeah, a Mr &Mrs is clear. When I got one addressed that way, I planned for only adults. Though the RSVP had food choices for kids, I still assumed my kids were not invited simply because they a limited guest list. No big deal.

Did you already RSVP? I would contact your aunt or uncle soon and let me know you misunderstood and need to change your RSVP if you've decided not to come. Whatever, please decide soon because surely they have decisions to make and need accurate counts.

Miss Manners says:




I want to have an adults-only wedding, but my sister-in-law is insisting on bringing my three young nephews. What should I tell her?








If you are truly set on an adults-only wedding, don’t let your sister-in-law bully you into including her sons. The decision whether to include children should be made by you and your fiancé-and no one has the right to insist upon bringing univited children to a wedding. Make no exceptions, though. And be realistic. Many couples these days have kid-free weddings, but find that some friends and family members are therefore unable to attend. If your sister-in-law has to travel from another state to attend your wedding, she may not be able to leave her kids at home. If this is the case, you could offer to help with baby-sitting arrangements. Or you might decide to set aside a “children’s room” at the reception that is staffed with baby-sitters and filled with games and toys. Whatever your final plans, tell your sister-in-law you hope she understands your decision and will be able to attend

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who said no kids, knowing that many of the families on their guest list would be unable to arrange child care since they'd be far from home. The couple marrying needed to have a small wedding because of costs and figured that this would trim the guest list down without them having to make decisions about who not to invite.

As it turned out, a lot of people just couldn't do it, between the travel and having to arrange child care, so they declined.
Then, the bride was all upset because so few people were able to make it to her wedding!

Weddings are emotional times, you just have to do what works best for you and your family.

I’m sure that’s what will happen. They reserved places for about 400 people (my aunt and uncle paid for the chunk of this wedding). Most guests are family members and friends, most have children. It’s across the state held in a rural area and we were looking forward to using it as a family reunion but now we may skip out.

I’ll also add it wasn’t clear upfront no children were allowed. The invite said Mr. and Mrs. Larlo and then after we RSVPd we received a mass email to all guest saying no kids under 16.

How is that not clear? It said Mr. and Mrs. Larlo. NOT Mr. and Mrs. Larlo and Larlas

+1. Learn to read an initiation. The kids were never invited.

My view is, you don't have to include children, but if you don't, you can't complain when the out-of-town people with kids decide not to attend. It's the same way I feel about destination weddings--have one if you want, but don't get pissy or hurt when people decide not to spend their time and money to attend.

My cousin recently got married, on the other side of the country. Kids were not invited. I flew out by myself to attend, since (1) the only people who could have babysat out there were also invited to the wedding and (2) it made no sense to pay for a plane ticket for a person who wasn't invited to the wedding. My cousin seemed to appreciate that I came, and her mom (my favorite aunt) did, too, so it was worth it. We've also made the decision not to attend weddings that required travel but did not include kids.

You are ridiculous OP. It is not "tacky" to not want kids at a wedding, even if the couple has kids. We had a kid when we got married, and debated the kid question while choosing a venue. In the end we wanted something nicer and not overrun with kids. My relatives were happy to have an adult night out and either left kids at home with local relatives or brought relatives in for the weekend or left their kids at our house with ours and a trusted paid nanny. My in-laws insisted on bringing the kid on their side. He sat around playing an iPad, got sick off too much junk food all day and didn't eat the expensive meal we had to buy him, and then his parents AND my in-laws left before the end of dinner to take care of him and never came back to the reception. He won't say it to them, but it really hurt my DH's feelings. If anything, that night solidified my view that people who feel their kids are entitled to go everywhere will end up being a pita regardless. It's been years, and we constantly have to cater to him/them and what they want.

Look, OP, at least your cousin told you no kids are invited up front.

One of DH's cousins invited the whole family to the wedding, kids and all. We bought plane tickets for us and our two kids, and then the cousin sent an "update" saying that oops, kids were not invited after all. By that point, most people had already booked plane tickets just like we did, and there was a LOT of bad blood. (We updated our RSVP to no, flew in, rented a car, and went to Canada for the weekend instead - the wedding was in upstate NY near the border.)

Other than that sort of a gotcha situation - if they don't want kids there, you can either leave them home with your spouse or a babysitter, bring them with you and get a babysitter or just don't go. For out of town weddings with no kids rules, I always pick the last option but honestly, any of them can work. They owe you a clear heads up but that's all they owe you.

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing to think about for those who are against kids at weddings. I grew up in a time and a place where weddings were seen as family events and kids were just naturally invited.

I went to the weddings of many older cousins while I was a child. Now that I am an adult, it adds something to my relationship with those cousins when we all reminisce sometimes and I can share my own recollections of their weddings from a child's point of view.

Lately, the older generation is beginning to die, and when people bring out family pictures to display at memorial services, there is the whole family, children and all, all dressed beautifully for a family wedding.

I just think that sometimes it is worth it to take the longer view of family instead of thinking of a wedding as just about a big party.

You are missing the point. Most people posting aren't in either the "kids have to be at wedding!" camp or the "kids ruin weddings!" camp. Most posters (the same ones, at least) are in the "Either way is fine, it's the happy couple's choice, guests don't get a vote, and can either attend or not, as they see fit. But guests who get pissy (like OP) about the decision (which again, they don't have a vote in) are both classless and presumptuous." camp.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing to think about for those who are against kids at weddings. I grew up in a time and a place where weddings were seen as family events and kids were just naturally invited.

I went to the weddings of many older cousins while I was a child. Now that I am an adult, it adds something to my relationship with those cousins when we all reminisce sometimes and I can share my own recollections of their weddings from a child's point of view.

Lately, the older generation is beginning to die, and when people bring out family pictures to display at memorial services, there is the whole family, children and all, all dressed beautifully for a family wedding.

I just think that sometimes it is worth it to take the longer view of family instead of thinking of a wedding as just about a big party.

There’s these other great things called family reunions, which can be planned without appropriating someone else’s celebration.

I grew up in a time and place where weddings were a church and very close family /friend affair. Inviting second cousins once removed wasn’t in the plan.

So, we found other ways to get family together because we wanted to.

Exactly this. If you want a family reunion, plan one. Don't piggyback on someone else's planning, logistics, money, celebration, travel. Don't over-extend the guests. Let them focus on celebrating the coming together of these two families--bride and groom--which is what so many of you are advocating here. It's not about only your family, right? And making it about your family reunion would be stealing someone else's thunder.

Accept or decline. The end.

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing to think about for those who are against kids at weddings. I grew up in a time and a place where weddings were seen as family events and kids were just naturally invited.

I went to the weddings of many older cousins while I was a child. Now that I am an adult, it adds something to my relationship with those cousins when we all reminisce sometimes and I can share my own recollections of their weddings from a child's point of view.

Lately, the older generation is beginning to die, and when people bring out family pictures to display at memorial services, there is the whole family, children and all, all dressed beautifully for a family wedding.

I just think that sometimes it is worth it to take the longer view of family instead of thinking of a wedding as just about a big party.

There’s these other great things called family reunions, which can be planned without appropriating someone else’s celebration.

I grew up in a time and place where weddings were a church and very close family /friend affair. Inviting second cousins once removed wasn’t in the plan.

So, we found other ways to get family together because we wanted to.

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing to think about for those who are against kids at weddings. I grew up in a time and a place where weddings were seen as family events and kids were just naturally invited.

I went to the weddings of many older cousins while I was a child. Now that I am an adult, it adds something to my relationship with those cousins when we all reminisce sometimes and I can share my own recollections of their weddings from a child's point of view.

Lately, the older generation is beginning to die, and when people bring out family pictures to display at memorial services, there is the whole family, children and all, all dressed beautifully for a family wedding.

I just think that sometimes it is worth it to take the longer view of family instead of thinking of a wedding as just about a big party.

You know, it’s sentences like these that make me coming back to DCUM, day after day.

Personally, I don’t want my grandchild’s wedding to be a photo shoot for my funeral. But maybe that’s me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you ever planned a wedding? First of all, a person is person when counting for catering costs. I recently had a "no kids" wedding, but made exceptions for my niece/nephew and younger brothers who were in the ceremony, and I had to FIGHT with the caterer to get them out of the head count for the bar fees (they aren't 21 - how are you going to charge me for them drinking?!) So at a bare minimum, your kids are costing the couple money in addition to likely being a nuisance (to the couple, to other guests, to their own parents).

And hate to say it, but if you're not part of the "exception," you're not important enough to the couple to be there if you chose not to attend. So it's your call - the couple is going to enjoy the wedding they want either way.

Ugh. This whole wedding thing is so ugly. Why even invite people who you deem "not important enough" in any way? What's next, sell tickets to your wedding? Blah.

I'm the PP. It's not that they're not important at all, it's just that if you don't feel like getting a babysitter is worth attending my wedding (therefore deeming ME not important in a way), it's not important enough for me to go out of my way to make an exception for you to have your kids there. I want you there, but I'm not going to stress if you don't come. Sorry!

I mean, yeah, though. Yeah. That is pretty much it, with you. --NP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - have you ever planned a wedding? First of all, a person is person when counting for catering costs. I recently had a "no kids" wedding, but made exceptions for my niece/nephew and younger brothers who were in the ceremony, and I had to FIGHT with the caterer to get them out of the head count for the bar fees (they aren't 21 - how are you going to charge me for them drinking?!) So at a bare minimum, your kids are costing the couple money in addition to likely being a nuisance (to the couple, to other guests, to their own parents).

And hate to say it, but if you're not part of the "exception," you're not important enough to the couple to be there if you chose not to attend. So it's your call - the couple is going to enjoy the wedding they want either way.

Ugh. This whole wedding thing is so ugly. Why even invite people who you deem "not important enough" in any way? What's next, sell tickets to your wedding? Blah.

I'm the PP. It's not that they're not important at all, it's just that if you don't feel like getting a babysitter is worth attending my wedding (therefore deeming ME not important in a way), it's not important enough for me to go out of my way to make an exception for you to have your kids there. I want you there, but I'm not going to stress if you don't come. Sorry!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just decline without anger. I got bullied into having kids at my wedding and it was a huge pain and really took over wedding. I think many of the families of kids want the wedding to be a chance to show their kids off etc but it is not their day. Totally get the decline but don’t be snippy seems like it doesn’t work for both sides and that is okay.

"Not their day"? You are one of those "it's my special day" types?

Not me. Our wedding was the joining of two families. No, we had not been married before, and no, we didn't have kids. But we realized that our families would be joined through us, and we wanted to celebrate that.

You're an idiot. People can have different preferences. Both are fine, and at the discretion of the bride and groom.

Ummm. Over-sensitive much? Did I say that they couldn't do it? Nope - just said that my DH and I had a different philosophy.

But I'll escalate, just to upset you more. The people who think that their wedding day is all about them are the ones who plan a wedding and not a marriage. It's one day, not the whole shebang.

And families should stick their noses somewhere than on the one day that should be about celebtraing THE COUPLE. There will be plenty of Christmases and Thanksgivings in the future to ruin with your foot stomping and arm crossing.

Is it so hard for you to give up control for one day ... or rather something like 8 hours so someone can celebrate their union in the way they want? Their wedding has nothing to do with you, if you are not looking to go there and actually celebrate it.

Who are you talking to? Me? I am not the OP. I am not throwing a tantrum about anyone else's wedding.

Geez. I mean, I said that you are over-sensitive, but this borders on paranoid delusion.

You’re hilarious. You’re so busy arguing and being right that you can neither follow the bouncing ball, bolded posts, or realize there is more than one poster. So no, you didn’t call me over sensitive.

Thank you for admitting that I am right.

Anonymous wrote:We've received many invites like this, and between DH and I we made a policy decision to decline to attend any out-of-town weddings where kids are not welcome. We simply don't even want to waste mental space on figuring out what to do with the kids during that time. I don't begrudge any bride the wedding of her choice but she'll have to enjoy it with other people.

Don't worry, you don't sound like a person that anyone would miss hanging out with anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know someone who said no kids, knowing that many of the families on their guest list would be unable to arrange child care since they'd be far from home. The couple marrying needed to have a small wedding because of costs and figured that this would trim the guest list down without them having to make decisions about who not to invite.

As it turned out, a lot of people just couldn't do it, between the travel and having to arrange child care, so they declined.
Then, the bride was all upset because so few people were able to make it to her wedding!

Weddings are emotional times, you just have to do what works best for you and your family.

I’m sure that’s what will happen. They reserved places for about 400 people (my aunt and uncle paid for the chunk of this wedding). Most guests are family members and friends, most have children. It’s across the state held in a rural area and we were looking forward to using it as a family reunion but now we may skip out.

I’ll also add it wasn’t clear upfront no children were allowed. The invite said Mr. and Mrs. Larlo and then after we RSVPd we received a mass email to all guest saying no kids under 16.

Go ahead and cut your nose off to spite your face, OP. A wedding is a few hours out of several days. If you really wanted to have a family reunion, then take your family and only you go to the wedding while your husband stays in the hotel. Or talk to the 90% of other guests who will need child care and figure something out. But you won't. You'll stay home and then you'll blame your cousin for ruining a family reunions, when it was her wedding, not your event. Your disdain for your cousin is clear in your original post when you went out of your way to tell everyone that you think it's tacky that they are getting married AFTER living together for six years and having two children. You just want another reason to judge/dislike your cousin, and now you can point to a whole bunch of people on DCUM who are equally outraged with what your cousin is doing, so you can feel righteous in your hatred. Enjoy your bitterness.