Anonymous
04/17/2018 06:08
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?
OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.
Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.
Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”
Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.
Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.
True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.
Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.
One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.
OP here. From my perception and understanding, and a few direct conversations, MIL is the only one in the family who wants to be the sole host in her home, always.
-BIL and SIL are very eager to host and to have someone else host, and their kids love the idea of being at our house or their house
-DH's cousin is happy to mix it up, and to come to our house, which is closer.
-DH's aunt and uncle, I don't know; I haven't talked to them directly about this, but they seem willing and happy to come to our house this year
So I would say the majority of participants want to host and to mix it up rather than doing the same thing every single holiday, every single year.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 22:45
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.
+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!
Yep. Assuming that MIL is only this attached to Thanksgiving, it really does sound like OP is engaged in a massive power play. She could have picked a different holiday to take over. She also didn't have to make hers "the" family thanksgiving by inviting all the relatives in April (!!). OP could have just celebrated at home with a small group instead of insisting on taking the whole thing over. It seems really pretty mean. OP why don't you just do Easter or Christmas?
Per OP’s posts, MIL hosts literally everything, and always has. OP just wants one holiday. I understand not wanting to travel for every single holiday with young kids.
I thought they alternated years. One year with OP side of the family, and next with MIL side. So, not travelling ever single holiday, and she has said her side of the family lets OP host sometimes. OP is wanting the chance to host the inlaws now.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 22:42
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?
OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.
Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.
Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”
Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.
Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.
True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.
Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.
One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.
Exactly. OP is not just bowing out of Thanksgiving at MILs for the year - she declared herself hostess for all her inlaws.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 22:41
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.
+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!
Yep. Assuming that MIL is only this attached to Thanksgiving, it really does sound like OP is engaged in a massive power play. She could have picked a different holiday to take over. She also didn't have to make hers "the" family thanksgiving by inviting all the relatives in April (!!). OP could have just celebrated at home with a small group instead of insisting on taking the whole thing over. It seems really pretty mean. OP why don't you just do Easter or Christmas?
Per OP’s posts, MIL hosts literally everything, and always has. OP just wants one holiday. I understand not wanting to travel for every single holiday with young kids.
Well OP hasn't come back here to explain that. OP decided to unilaterally change a family tradition without giving her MIL a chance to even discuss it - maybe she would have been fine if OP had approached it as "we would like to start hosting once a year - what about Easter?" But OP for whatever reason decided she had to alpha this. And when you dictate unilateral changes to traditions, people get upset. OP doesn't get to dictate the change AND not upset anyone.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 22:34
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.
+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!
Yep. Assuming that MIL is only this attached to Thanksgiving, it really does sound like OP is engaged in a massive power play. She could have picked a different holiday to take over. She also didn't have to make hers "the" family thanksgiving by inviting all the relatives in April (!!). OP could have just celebrated at home with a small group instead of insisting on taking the whole thing over. It seems really pretty mean. OP why don't you just do Easter or Christmas?
Per OP’s posts, MIL hosts literally everything, and always has. OP just wants one holiday. I understand not wanting to travel for every single holiday with young kids.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 22:34
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?
OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.
Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.
Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”
Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.
Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.
True, the friends could find something else to do, but some people really like traditions. Some people really like celebrating holidays the same way every year- that's the definition of a tradition.
Sure, you can do new things and some people like to do new and different things every year, but some families really get a sense of warmth and comfort from gathering together in the same place, with the same people year after year. Different families and friend groups like to do different things.
One is not better than the other, but it's not entirely fair to try to push a family you've married into to change because you want them to. It's one thing if I want my mom and dad to do things differently and I push them to do what I'd like better, but it would be entirely different for me to try to get my spouse's parents to give up one of their traditions. That's not really my call in the way it might be with my own family of birth.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 22:22
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?
OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.
Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.
Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”
Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.
Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.
Is it just the mother in law, or mother and father in law? Another post says there's no father involved in this, but this one says parents.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 21:52
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it just his parents? Who else is invited?
OP here. I should have mentioned—BIL and his wife and two kids are coming and staying overnight. DH’s single cousin is coming, he can bring friends if he wants. DH aunt and uncle also coming. DH’s parents could also stay overnight with us if they choose to. We also have 2 kids.
Your MIL is being silly. She can tell her friends that times are changing and she will be going to your house this year.
Don’t push on your end though—let her sons be the ones to get her the rest of the way on this. “Mom, are you really not going to come see all of us? C’mon, we still want you to make your famous pecan pie (or whatever).”
Yes, your MIL is engaging in magical thinking that if she doesn't host that her friends can not figure out something else to do that day. Amazingly they can and will even if that means they stay at home which btw may be exactly what they want to do.
Personally, I hate Thanksgiving and we never host. I would be fine if no one invited us either because I would love the day to stay at home, hang out, do nothing, and no big cooking to do.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 21:46
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.
+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!
Yep. Assuming that MIL is only this attached to Thanksgiving, it really does sound like OP is engaged in a massive power play. She could have picked a different holiday to take over. She also didn't have to make hers "the" family thanksgiving by inviting all the relatives in April (!!). OP could have just celebrated at home with a small group instead of insisting on taking the whole thing over. It seems really pretty mean. OP why don't you just do Easter or Christmas?
Is it that you don't know how to read, or that you have a hard time comprehending what you read? MIL has had all holidays on lockdown for at least 7 years. What makes you think that she'd happily hand over Christmas if only mean old OP would give up Thanksgiving? Plus, even if Thanksgiving is MIL's "favorite," that doesn't mean she gets to own it for all eternity. She's hosted. Lots. It's time to let her grown-ass adult children take a few turns. Rotate. Share. Take turns. No one gets to own all the holidays, no matter how much they want to.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 21:37
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.
+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!
Yep. Assuming that MIL is only this attached to Thanksgiving, it really does sound like OP is engaged in a massive power play. She could have picked a different holiday to take over. She also didn't have to make hers "the" family thanksgiving by inviting all the relatives in April (!!). OP could have just celebrated at home with a small group instead of insisting on taking the whole thing over. It seems really pretty mean. OP why don't you just do Easter or Christmas?
Anonymous
04/16/2018 21:02
Subject: Re:MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:My MIL hosts Thanksgiving. Period. End of Story. When she is dead someone else can host. This seems to work for my in laws. Sure I'd like to host but it isn't worth the fight. So I pick another day (a few months later) and invite the whole family.
+1 I'm in this boat and not about to rock it. We bring the ham!
Anonymous
04/16/2018 20:55
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For those of you on team MIL, when does OP get to host? When MIL is in a nursing home? What if Op’s kids are then married and want to host themselves? It’s perfectly natural for adults to want a turn to host a major holiday.
If MIL is especially attached to Thanksgiving, it would be kind to let her host. OP can do Christmas, New Years, or Easter.
I have a feeling the mil is attached to all of those holidays too. Mine is.
When we got married we asked each set of parents which holidays they wanted and the both said, "all of them but especially Christmas". Sigh. My mom hosts a huge Christmas Eve party every year but doesn't see that the guests aren't enjoying it as much. Her friends have confided in me that they wish it was the Saturday before Christmas or every other year so they could see other family or events. My kids have never spent a Christmas morning in their own beds since we have to travel so far. We're putting our foot down this year and I know there will be heartbreak. But dh and I grew up remembering santa coming down our own chimneys and want my kids to experience this. There's so few years of santa magic!
I am Team OP, but come on. Her friends can nut up and do as they please. This isn't a command performance. They don't have to come every year. YOU can nut up and decide to stay home for Christmas. Good that you say you are going to, but either really do it or stop whining. It's not their fault you and your husband are too mealy-mouthed to speak up and set boundaries. Your kids have never spent a Christmas morning in their own beds because YOU made that happen.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 20:49
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:For those of you on team MIL, when does OP get to host? When MIL is in a nursing home? What if Op’s kids are then married and want to host themselves? It’s perfectly natural for adults to want a turn to host a major holiday.
If MIL is especially attached to Thanksgiving, it would be kind to let her host. OP can do Christmas, New Years, or Easter.
I have a feeling the mil is attached to all of those holidays too. Mine is.
When we got married we asked each set of parents which holidays they wanted and the both said, "all of them but especially Christmas". Sigh. My mom hosts a huge Christmas Eve party every year but doesn't see that the guests aren't enjoying it as much. Her friends have confided in me that they wish it was the Saturday before Christmas or every other year so they could see other family or events. My kids have never spent a Christmas morning in their own beds since we have to travel so far. We're putting our foot down this year and I know there will be heartbreak. But dh and I grew up remembering santa coming down our own chimneys and want my kids to experience this. There's so few years of santa magic!
Anonymous
04/16/2018 20:39
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, you have taken control and shown her who's boss. You're making her dance to your tune now, see how she likes it.
Oh, tone it down. OP and her husband are setting a reasonable boundary--they will not be showing up to each and every holiday at MIL's home; sometimes, they will be celebrating in their own home, and all are welcome. If OP were taking the hard line that "You're done, MIL! It's our house now and forever!" that would be one thing. That isn't what's going on here.
I don't get the tone it down comment. OP has shown that she has control over this holiday by sending out invitations well in advance so that there is no question that she wants everyone at her house. She has made it clear to her mother in law that she wants to change things up. Isn't that the message she wants to send?
I seriously doubt OP and her husband are making this change to "be boss." It doesn't seem like they want or expect to be the permanent hosts. They simply want a fair share of hosting opportunities, which is more than reasonable, as everyone in this dynamic are adults who have the room to host overnight guests, like to cook, and actively want to host. The only one making a power play here is MIL, who in 7 years has not "let" her married children host a holiday.
Anonymous
04/16/2018 20:29
Subject: MIL mad that we want to host Thanksgiving
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, you have taken control and shown her who's boss. You're making her dance to your tune now, see how she likes it.
Oh, tone it down. OP and her husband are setting a reasonable boundary--they will not be showing up to each and every holiday at MIL's home; sometimes, they will be celebrating in their own home, and all are welcome. If OP were taking the hard line that "You're done, MIL! It's our house now and forever!" that would be one thing. That isn't what's going on here.
I don't get the tone it down comment. OP has shown that she has control over this holiday by sending out invitations well in advance so that there is no question that she wants everyone at her house. She has made it clear to her mother in law that she wants to change things up. Isn't that the message she wants to send?