Anonymous
02/27/2018 20:00
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
I want to thank everyone for being kind. Sorry, I have a job and kids so I was surprised to see this thread exploded.
I had just come on to let everyone know that I signed up for therapy sola. I'm not telling DH. Some if these things rang true. Some didn't.
First, we met at age 30 in the DC bar scene. It was casual. His friends came first and so did me with mine. I didn't know I wanted to marry him. At the time I was exploring single-parent adoption (bad candidate for pregnancy due to health issues). I may have been baby crazy and I take full responsibility. That part was true. I didn't think I needed a man -- that part was not true.
We are both working professionals with grad degrees. So the undereducated was not true. We are white and raised Jewish (not practicing so no rabbi to visit). He was raised in the LA Jewish scene so I think there was some frat/sorority component to his upbringing. He did not cheat on me -- I do think he flirted, got drunk, maybe got handsy, and spoke about all his conquests when I was not there but nothing that would upset or bother me. Honestly, at this point, cheating would be easier to handle, and wouldn't bother me at all. Trashing me has destroyed me. I don't know how to explain it. He's now shown me some emails and I want to vomit.
About 16 months after we met, he proposed. He was immature so I didn't expect it and never suggested it. It was romantic but in retrospect, his friends were all getting married and I think he was just scared of being left behind. A year later, we had a lavish wedding in DC (we're not from here but both work/live here). Yes, his friends ignored me at the wedding but he's from LA and had always visited them alone, so they didn't know me. His LA friends in the DC area also don't see me much -- often I was staying with the kids and he was going out. I hadn't thought of it much.
In any case, I'm getting help. I'm not leaving my marriage and maybe never will but I'm committing to seeing a therapist secretly every week for a year. I won't post again.
If anyone else is in pain, I have been alternating Advil and Tylenol today and feel better than I've felt in weeks. I found that advice online. It numbs the feelings as a temporary solution. I wouldn't recommend it long term but I figure that it's better than wine with kids.
I had just come on to let everyone know that I signed up for therapy sola. I'm not telling DH. Some if these things rang true. Some didn't.
First, we met at age 30 in the DC bar scene. It was casual. His friends came first and so did me with mine. I didn't know I wanted to marry him. At the time I was exploring single-parent adoption (bad candidate for pregnancy due to health issues). I may have been baby crazy and I take full responsibility. That part was true. I didn't think I needed a man -- that part was not true.
We are both working professionals with grad degrees. So the undereducated was not true. We are white and raised Jewish (not practicing so no rabbi to visit). He was raised in the LA Jewish scene so I think there was some frat/sorority component to his upbringing. He did not cheat on me -- I do think he flirted, got drunk, maybe got handsy, and spoke about all his conquests when I was not there but nothing that would upset or bother me. Honestly, at this point, cheating would be easier to handle, and wouldn't bother me at all. Trashing me has destroyed me. I don't know how to explain it. He's now shown me some emails and I want to vomit.
About 16 months after we met, he proposed. He was immature so I didn't expect it and never suggested it. It was romantic but in retrospect, his friends were all getting married and I think he was just scared of being left behind. A year later, we had a lavish wedding in DC (we're not from here but both work/live here). Yes, his friends ignored me at the wedding but he's from LA and had always visited them alone, so they didn't know me. His LA friends in the DC area also don't see me much -- often I was staying with the kids and he was going out. I hadn't thought of it much.
In any case, I'm getting help. I'm not leaving my marriage and maybe never will but I'm committing to seeing a therapist secretly every week for a year. I won't post again.
If anyone else is in pain, I have been alternating Advil and Tylenol today and feel better than I've felt in weeks. I found that advice online. It numbs the feelings as a temporary solution. I wouldn't recommend it long term but I figure that it's better than wine with kids.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 14:44
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:I feel like I've read this post before.
Op -are you Indian, by chance?
This was asked on page 8. OP stopped responding around page 3.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 14:34
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
I feel like I've read this post before.
Op -are you Indian, by chance?
Op -are you Indian, by chance?
Anonymous
02/27/2018 14:30
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Oh, he might send the emails and letters, but you can guarantee they'll all laugh about it together, or his friends will ignore them, or just feel uncomfortable reading them.
Also, again, you shouldn't be sending letters to his friends. You should be confronting the root cause--HIM.
Also, again, you shouldn't be sending letters to his friends. You should be confronting the root cause--HIM.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 14:28
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:
I know. I just don't think he'll do it. He said he would send the emails if I drafted them, or write letters if I told him what to write, but he's not going to talk to his friends in person. He says that I'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and I'm just going to make people feel uncomfortable. I think he wants a letter where he doesn't specifically address lies, but just tells truths, like "DW is a great mom and great wife -- here's our family trip picture." But, of course all these people are on FB, so some of that, they must already be seeing.
Starting this thread has reopened the wound that I thought was healing, though, too. I'm not a person with low self-esteem, or at least, I don't think I am. I try to be very fair and trusting in the relationship, especially because I'm naturally a bit jealous, so I work to listen and ignore my own gut. And, now I ended up in this mess, and just feel like I must have done something wrong in a prior lifetime. I feel like I lost all my self-esteem in the past couple weeks.
I'd like to know why you feel this way?
Anonymous
02/27/2018 14:27
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:
This is meant kindly. You married a person who is not a team player and not on your side. Having a team orientation toward your spouse and family is really the only path to a successful marriage. He can learn it. It's going to take a lot of work. It's his work to do though, not yours. These are his lies and his amends to make.
I know. I just don't think he'll do it. He said he would send the emails if I drafted them, or write letters if I told him what to write, but he's not going to talk to his friends in person. He says that I'm making it a bigger deal than it needs to be and I'm just going to make people feel uncomfortable. I think he wants a letter where he doesn't specifically address lies, but just tells truths, like "DW is a great mom and great wife -- here's our family trip picture." But, of course all these people are on FB, so some of that, they must already be seeing.
Starting this thread has reopened the wound that I thought was healing, though, too. I'm not a person with low self-esteem, or at least, I don't think I am. I try to be very fair and trusting in the relationship, especially because I'm naturally a bit jealous, so I work to listen and ignore my own gut. And, now I ended up in this mess, and just feel like I must have done something wrong in a prior lifetime. I feel like I lost all my self-esteem in the past couple weeks.
I'd like to know why you feel this way?
Anonymous
02/27/2018 13:57
Subject: Re:Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know a guy like your husband. Hated his girlfriend, accidentally got her pregnant. Told everyone he couldn't wait until youngest was 18 and he could divorce her. He now has three kids with her...we wish him well, but he made his own bed.
I know a couple like this too with kids. It makes all their close friends uncomfortable because of the things he's told them and the things they've witnessed (he brings around other women when he hangs out without her).
I'm the PP who knows this couple. The husband acts like OP's husband.
To provide his friends' perspective, many of us just wish they would split up-- because it is extremely uncomfortable. We aren't cool with cheating, we don't like listening to someone bad-mouth their spouse, etc. But it's also clear this couple is beyond counseling/help because it's gone on for years and plenty of people have been suggesting it for years. We don't like being caught in the crosshairs.
Oh yeah, the husband sent his friends naked photos of his wife without her permission once...while badmouthing her. His friends were like "PLEASE stop sending this sh*t and just split up. It's not something I want on my phone!"
Why would they even co tinge to associate with him, is my question? What kind of person to you have to be to accept that behaviour from a friend.. I mean, you’re not bound by blood, finances, or children...
Because they work together in a very small, closed circle where he is professionally very respected. I have minimal contact, but some people in our circle do not have that option. And even I still run into him.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 13:52
Subject: Re:Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know a guy like your husband. Hated his girlfriend, accidentally got her pregnant. Told everyone he couldn't wait until youngest was 18 and he could divorce her. He now has three kids with her...we wish him well, but he made his own bed.
I know a couple like this too with kids. It makes all their close friends uncomfortable because of the things he's told them and the things they've witnessed (he brings around other women when he hangs out without her).
I'm the PP who knows this couple. The husband acts like OP's husband.
To provide his friends' perspective, many of us just wish they would split up-- because it is extremely uncomfortable. We aren't cool with cheating, we don't like listening to someone bad-mouth their spouse, etc. But it's also clear this couple is beyond counseling/help because it's gone on for years and plenty of people have been suggesting it for years. We don't like being caught in the crosshairs.
Oh yeah, the husband sent his friends naked photos of his wife without her permission once...while badmouthing her. His friends were like "PLEASE stop sending this sh*t and just split up. It's not something I want on my phone!"
Why would they even co tinge to associate with him, is my question? What kind of person to you have to be to accept that behaviour from a friend.. I mean, you’re not bound by blood, finances, or children...
Anonymous
02/27/2018 13:48
Subject: Re:Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know a guy like your husband. Hated his girlfriend, accidentally got her pregnant. Told everyone he couldn't wait until youngest was 18 and he could divorce her. He now has three kids with her...we wish him well, but he made his own bed.
I know a couple like this too with kids. It makes all their close friends uncomfortable because of the things he's told them and the things they've witnessed (he brings around other women when he hangs out without her).
I'm the PP who knows this couple. The husband acts like OP's husband.
To provide his friends' perspective, many of us just wish they would split up-- because it is extremely uncomfortable. We aren't cool with cheating, we don't like listening to someone bad-mouth their spouse, etc. But it's also clear this couple is beyond counseling/help because it's gone on for years and plenty of people have been suggesting it for years. We don't like being caught in the crosshairs.
Oh yeah, the husband sent his friends naked photos of his wife without her permission once...while badmouthing her. His friends were like "PLEASE stop sending this sh*t and just split up. It's not something I want on my phone!"
Anonymous
02/27/2018 13:47
Subject: Re:Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Yeah he's cheating on you, and has been for a long time.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 13:17
Subject: Re:Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I know a guy like your husband. Hated his girlfriend, accidentally got her pregnant. Told everyone he couldn't wait until youngest was 18 and he could divorce her. He now has three kids with her...we wish him well, but he made his own bed.
I know a couple like this too with kids. It makes all their close friends uncomfortable because of the things he's told them and the things they've witnessed (he brings around other women when he hangs out without her).
I'm the PP who knows this couple. The husband acts like OP's husband.
To provide his friends' perspective, many of us just wish they would split up-- because it is extremely uncomfortable. We aren't cool with cheating, we don't like listening to someone bad-mouth their spouse, etc. But it's also clear this couple is beyond counseling/help because it's gone on for years and plenty of people have been suggesting it for years. We don't like being caught in the crosshairs.
Oh yeah, the husband sent his friends naked photos of his wife without her permission once...while badmouthing her. His friends were like "PLEASE stop sending this sh*t and just split up. It's not something I want on my phone!"
Anonymous
02/27/2018 13:12
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
NP with my two cents.
OP this is crazy! This is unforgivable behavior. Get out now!
OP this is crazy! This is unforgivable behavior. Get out now!
Anonymous
02/27/2018 13:02
Subject: Re:Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:I call BS on the "marriage" part, here's why:
If these 2 were really married, I don't think the bros would be able to come at this so hard "when are you divorcing her?" etc., who does that to their friend? You would tell your friend to break up with a GF that way--but the wife? For 4 years w/2 kids? Nope.
Sounds to me like OP had 2 kids with a childish dude-bro who never really committed. Where is her family and his in this "marriage" scenario? I'd be telling my MIL and SIL exactly what this POS was doing to their grandkids if this was a legit marriage or LTR that was supported by a family.
Does this dude have a job? I bet he doesn't. Sounds like a man-child loser who may have other children and women in his life and all his friends know it which is why they're coming at him so hard with "just leave her bro"...Not saying any of this is right but IMO, this is what's really occurring and OP doesn't want to say on here because wow, she is getting howled down as it is.
This exactly! I don't know any men who would be so involved in another man's marriage to make a "pact", that just sounds ridiculous. There has to be something else going on. I agree that he is probably cheating and bringing the other women around the friends.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 12:50
Subject: Re:Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:I am so sick to my stomach after reading this. In addition to counseling you need to get yourself to an attorney, stat. Also I agree with asking the friends that aren't speaking to him what is going on. Surely your DH is not telling you everything.
A dad in our friend group starting disrespecting his wife and the other guys came down on him hard. It's not acceptable.
+1
THOSE are FRIENDS.
Anonymous
02/27/2018 12:13
Subject: Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?
Anonymous wrote:The fact that the husband's friends STILL refuse to be around OP is because the husband is continuing to badmouth OP even now. It's not "in the beginning" or "years ago". He's still doing it NOW. He is telling them terrible things about you and continuing to disrespect you. Don't be fooled, OP.
That and he’s still cheating on her.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be to hang out with your friend and his wife one night and his AP the next night?