Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 09:06     Subject: Re:I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.


the reason she would be working is because she wants to work. there is nothing to understand here; it's what most people do including her husband.

there is no such thing is meaningful volunteer work. if what you were doing had value people would pay you for it. hobbies are no better.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 08:44     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone saying a disrespectful father gets the kids 50% of the time? Is that a new thing? Many dads don’t even know what size clothes their kids wear, what they eat, who their teachers or friends are or anything. Do they just get divorced and then snap their fingers and grow up?
Sounds like a mess.


Yes. He will get the kids 50% of the time and he will also remarry and have even more kids. Prepare yourself.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 06:30     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
I was a SAHM who went back to work. Until my youngest goes to K, a LOT of my salary is eaten up in daycare/aftercare costs. I'm a teacher and the salary is not awesome to start with but throw in a $2200 month daycare bill and you could argue I am basically paying to work.

However. That's not the point. The point is, I love my work, it fulfills me and makes me happy, I'm good at it, and if my husband were to leave me or die, I would at least have a way to provide for my kids. I also have two daughters and while I loved staying home with them when they were little and am grateful we could make that work, it's also important to me they see their mother have a career and work because I want them to know they have options too. They need to have a strong role model of how a woman can be a mom, wife AND have her own successful career she loves.

So for OP or anyone else to boil the value of a job down to straight dollars in vs dollars out is short sighted and misses the point. If it would make her happy, give her a purpose and sense of identity and give her more independence, she should do it, even if technically it doesn't bring in money once you factor in childcare.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 06:16     Subject: Re:I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
I don't really see how going back to work is going to be helpful. If OP isn't contributing to the family income (and the reality is that she almost certainly can't contribute in any meaningful way), then her husband is just going to see her work as an annoying and time consuming hobby. He will be pissed when he has a vacation, and she can't get off at the same time. She will still be 100% responsible for the kids and household, so unless she wants her kids to grow up with two absent parents, she is likely to get a job that has some flexibility and reasonable hours and is more supporting other people's careers than developing her own (I work in academic medicine, so maybe this is different in other fields, but I doubt it).
So, she will be working for no money, for reasons not respected or really understood by her family, in order to support someone else's career. And she can add finding and managing full time childcare and household help to her duties in addition to her work.

I do agree with finding hobbies and meaningful volunteer work. I am sure that you have skills that are useful to a lot of people.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 01:49     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:What you want to escape is your own misery. You come off like you don't have an actual complaint against your husband, just against your own unhappiness. He, divorce, kids can't make you happy and fulfilled in life. That is on you. I would like to be sympathetic, but you sounds like a whiner and immature. What did you think child raising and marriage is going to be like? So you divorce him and end up with three kids on your own, and way less money?


Better question is what did HE think marriage is and his contribution in 2017?
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 01:44     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:DH won me over with effort. Now married for 10 years with 3 kids. Don’t think I can be in this loveless passionless dead marriage any longer. I am childcare. We talk about child logistics and that’s it. I’m so resentful. I gave up my lucrative career to stay home. DH takes me for granted. I seriously cannot stand my husband and feel totally stuck. Yesterday I told him I want out and he just brushed me off and said he was the best I could do.

I want to run away and restart. Then I look at my children’s sweet faces and can’t leave.


That was not nice of him but there is a grain of truth. Do you think that men are just waiting to have serious relationships with single mothers?
You think that grass is greener elsewhere?
You think you can be in honeymoon stage forever with someone else?

This is what's wrong with our society. The inability to stick with anything long term is driven by a constant need for novelty, stimulations, and feeling of euphoria - social media heavily capitalized on these shallow feelings in form of "likes" - this does not work in real life. Get a grip. There is no "great beyond" your marriage, or anyone else's for that matter. There is no point in serving one's ego and vanity at the expense of yore children, financial security, and established companionship (no matter how "boring").


No.
My divorce was driven by me being done living with an unappreciative do-nothing husband who didn’t know how to be a respectful spouse, and effective parent or take care of his property. He was in way over his head and couldn’t handle anything. His untreated ADHD made it worse, he only focused in work. He could barely listen to his kids talk, his mind would be floating around who knows where. Never present.

I could no longer be in the loveless marriage with the farthest thing from a life partner I could imagine. Disappointments all the time. Arguments then pursued, name calling resentment and it was over. No underlying issues got fixed or treated. He still takes zero personal responsibility for anything. The day I decided I was done was the most clarity and peace I had in years. The rest was execution of the divorce. Kids were young enough not to be angry or confused, though we’ll talk through things once their start asking. Party day with dad is every other weekend, he’s working 70+ hours during the week. He’s likely killing it at work now that he really has nil responsibilities in the home front.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 01:31     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Why is everyone saying a disrespectful father gets the kids 50% of the time? Is that a new thing? Many dads don’t even know what size clothes their kids wear, what they eat, who their teachers or friends are or anything. Do they just get divorced and then snap their fingers and grow up?
Sounds like a mess.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 01:28     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:OP, start by getting a job. Even if childcare cost eats up a large chunk of what you earn, I think it's a good first step to feeling more like yourself. Insist on it. Your children do NOT need a SAHM, they need a happy functional mom.

As far as your husband... I think you have unrealistic expectations about how easy it is to meet someone new and remarry when you're a 30-something parent of 3 young children. This is anecdotal, but everyone I know who divorced for reasons unrelated to abuse/adultery/addiction and subsequently remarried, has mentioned regretting not trying harder to work things out with spouse #1 - no one is going to be perfect, and when you marry a new person, you take on a whole new set of problems, and you'll be dealing with a blended family on top of everything. Not saying you should stay, just something to consider.


When did OP state her goal is to remarry another man?

Some guys are not marriage material not father material. And not because they are violent or abusive, but because they are workaholic, self-centered clueless slobs. If your life would be better and easier without that disrespectful selfish slob around, make the call! You are definitely not modeling a healthy relationship or effective communication for your kids.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 00:48     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So here is what I got from OP:
She is Ivy educated but quit her lucrative career to be SAHM
She is good looking
Her DH is handsome, but not hot
She could have hot
He wants to throw money at childcare and household so he doesn't have to clean, etc..
She does have part time house help
She has young kids, which is hard in any situation
She thinks he doesn't threat her with respect

I can' assume some things, but it they might be wrong as only OP and her DH know answers.
Here is the real question here.
Did you marry him because you loved him?
Or did you marry him because even then he earned a lot of money and was in hot pursuit?



I earned more than him when we got married. I married him because he was so nice. I was surrounded by cocky hedge fund and bankers. Now DH has the same ego.


NP, and I can empathize with you OP on that. My husband also had a huge personality shift over the years (becoming more egotistical) as he gained more financial success, and it's made me increasingly just not like him very much. He doesn't value me or respect me (and I make 100K - it's not SAHM thing or WOHM thing - it's just a jerk thing). That said, I'm not ready to throw in the towel, because I think it would be really damaging to the kids to be parented by him solely 50% of the time.

I've found that I just need to find happiness in other things - my job, my kids, my friends, my religion, and hobbies - hobbies are really important when you are feeling down and self-defeated. But I've given up on having a loving partnership for the next 10 years until my kids are out of the house. It's kind of like walking around all day with your glass 3/4 full - or almost happy - but it is what it is right now.


Yeah and then 10 years later what kind of marriage are you going to have when there's not even the kids to keep you together?
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2017 00:46     Subject: Re:I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wow! The “best you can do” comment was harsh. He’s likely thinking about you as a single mother of 3 little ones. Add to that he makes a lot of money. He likely truly views you in that way. I really don’t know what to say except good luck.


Let's be real - what man pulling in 7 figures is waiting on a single mom of 3 kids under 10? I'll wait.

OP - spend some of that money. Get some full time help. So what if it is because he doesn't want to help? DO IT. Get your life, girl! If you think you would be happier with a broke ass guy who participates, you are deluding yourself.


Actually we all know a ton of women who are happily married to men who make much less than OP’s hubby (though not ‘broke’) who adore their wives and are actively involved with their children. They are loving, romantic, caring partners and hands-on fathers. I’ll take that over OP’s situation any day.

It’s not just that he’s not helping out. He’s not a partner for her as a woman. And he makes asshole remarks in response to her concerns. I love my responsive partner who will move heaven and hell to make me happy. It’s a great feeling to know there’s someone who believes it is their job in life to look out for you, ensure you’re always okay and make you happy. If I don’t smile, my partner doesn’t smile. And he works hard to make sure I do.


Yeah but in the world of Dcum makingg $2m apparently absolves you from being a good parent. Or spouse. Or being a kind and decent person. It's sad, really.
Anonymous
Post 12/22/2017 17:05     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM can make people very narrow focused,

Both my SILs are SAHMs. I completely support their choice to do that and one is a fantastic SAHM (the other not so much!).

But the reality is that it has made their world very small. They talk about kids, complain about kids, talk about home management and home decorating and not much else. All my brothers hear about is what the kids did wrong all day, all the frustrations of being at home with the kids. It would be like my brothers coming home and whining for an hour every day about everything negative that happened all day at work. i think too because they are around kids all day they start to talk like the kids - in the sense that they whine and complain and cry. And then they try and parent my brothers with nagging and other child parent like actions.

It is the reality of what people's daily lives become. You take on the characteristics of what you are around all day and want the other person to get your world.

One of my SILs is incredibly academically minded - being a SAHM was the right decision for their family but the wrong decision for her as a person. She was not good at the role, made everyone's life miserable and thankfully she has just gone back to work! My other sister in law just needs more variety in her life - she is better at home given their situation and great at being a SAHM but gets too narrow focused.


I am not sure being a SAHM makes their world very small. As a listener, SAHMs talking about their life is no smaller or less boring than some cubicle sitter droning and whining about super exciting job. Most people’s jobs are not exciting either.


I think the key is socializing with other adults outside of the context of childcare. Some SAHMs have little contact with anyone other than their immediate family and other SAHMs.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2017 23:24     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:Being a SAHM can make people very narrow focused,

Both my SILs are SAHMs. I completely support their choice to do that and one is a fantastic SAHM (the other not so much!).

But the reality is that it has made their world very small. They talk about kids, complain about kids, talk about home management and home decorating and not much else. All my brothers hear about is what the kids did wrong all day, all the frustrations of being at home with the kids. It would be like my brothers coming home and whining for an hour every day about everything negative that happened all day at work. i think too because they are around kids all day they start to talk like the kids - in the sense that they whine and complain and cry. And then they try and parent my brothers with nagging and other child parent like actions.

It is the reality of what people's daily lives become. You take on the characteristics of what you are around all day and want the other person to get your world.

One of my SILs is incredibly academically minded - being a SAHM was the right decision for their family but the wrong decision for her as a person. She was not good at the role, made everyone's life miserable and thankfully she has just gone back to work! My other sister in law just needs more variety in her life - she is better at home given their situation and great at being a SAHM but gets too narrow focused.


I am not sure being a SAHM makes their world very small. As a listener, SAHMs talking about their life is no smaller or less boring than some cubicle sitter droning and whining about super exciting job. Most people’s jobs are not exciting either.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2017 19:20     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Being a SAHM can make people very narrow focused,

Both my SILs are SAHMs. I completely support their choice to do that and one is a fantastic SAHM (the other not so much!).

But the reality is that it has made their world very small. They talk about kids, complain about kids, talk about home management and home decorating and not much else. All my brothers hear about is what the kids did wrong all day, all the frustrations of being at home with the kids. It would be like my brothers coming home and whining for an hour every day about everything negative that happened all day at work. i think too because they are around kids all day they start to talk like the kids - in the sense that they whine and complain and cry. And then they try and parent my brothers with nagging and other child parent like actions.

It is the reality of what people's daily lives become. You take on the characteristics of what you are around all day and want the other person to get your world.

One of my SILs is incredibly academically minded - being a SAHM was the right decision for their family but the wrong decision for her as a person. She was not good at the role, made everyone's life miserable and thankfully she has just gone back to work! My other sister in law just needs more variety in her life - she is better at home given their situation and great at being a SAHM but gets too narrow focused.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2017 19:01     Subject: Re:I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Step One - get your career going again and get a nanny that helps with the kids. See if it helps the marriage - if it doesn't, then at least you will be ready to stand on your own two feet


This is the most sane advice, rather than trying to sparkle yourself up into a gem he can't afford to lose, get your career back.

He's an ass to say he's the best you can do. It's also kind of gaslighty since he had to woo you in the first place.


OP here. DH earns around 2m per year. We were both graduate students when we started dating. He was humble and kind, hardworking and had lots of potential. Now he is a self important prick.


I didn’t read all the advice yet. First and foremost realize if he is being an a$$ to you now and taking you for granted, he will pass on that attitude to your children. I remember meeting a woman who said her husband said something similar or even more disrespectful and her teenage son was mirroring the dad. She finally had enough and divorced and was able to work her way up at her new job, has a long term boyfriend etc.

I’m not saying you need to stay with him or divorce him, I am saying don’t be a martyr and expect someone is going to put you up for sainthood. If you decide to stay, not go back to work, realize worst case is your kids don’t appreciate the sacrifice, your DH ends up leaving the marriage anyway and screwing you out of a fair settlement, you have to get a job again in your mid 40’s and downsize your lifestyle, you don’t meet anyone else but you still think it was worth it because of x or worth taking that risk because of y. So you actually did get something out of it that made it worth it to you.

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 12/21/2017 12:43     Subject: I want out of this marriage. I want to scream
OP, start by getting a job. Even if childcare cost eats up a large chunk of what you earn, I think it's a good first step to feeling more like yourself. Insist on it. Your children do NOT need a SAHM, they need a happy functional mom.

As far as your husband... I think you have unrealistic expectations about how easy it is to meet someone new and remarry when you're a 30-something parent of 3 young children. This is anecdotal, but everyone I know who divorced for reasons unrelated to abuse/adultery/addiction and subsequently remarried, has mentioned regretting not trying harder to work things out with spouse #1 - no one is going to be perfect, and when you marry a new person, you take on a whole new set of problems, and you'll be dealing with a blended family on top of everything. Not saying you should stay, just something to consider.