Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

You don't.

My closest friend is like you. Her house is amazing, she hosts TONS of parties. She is always dress well and her house can show at any moment. My house is a mess (and it's more apartment than house). But, I invite her over - because we are friends. Here is the thing, even if it was just someone that I was friendly with (and embarrassed about laundry piles) I would invite them to a playground or ice skating, or something.

It sounds like people are taking advantage of you. When you say "yes! let's get together" what happens next?

OP here. Usually they say: "let's get together sometime." I say, "great! We're pretty much always free on the weekends, let me know what works for you." Then either I don't end up ever hearing from them again about this or they say something like, "we'll have you over, let us know a good time that works for you"--but that's not really an invitation. Because then I would say, well how about this Saturday?" and I don't want to put them on the spot or make it seem like I'm inviting myself over.

A proper invitation is "we'd love for you to come over for a playdate this Saturday at 4 pm. Are you free then?"

It sounds like you are not from the mid-Atlantic area and this is a cultural issue. No one is going to issue an invitation like you have mentioned here. It's just not done in this area. When someone says "let me know what works for you" that IS an invite in this area - and now the ball is in your court to come back with what works for you. People don't want to seem pushy and they want to know what works for you. Literally. You need say, "this saturday?" or "next friday night?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

Oh stop, drama queen. She's not saying that. You don't HAVE to host. But, I'll say that those who DON"T reciprocate once in awhile are the first not to be invited back.

We used to be like OP. Had some great parties and BBQs and we were trying to forge some friendships and foster community. Then, we realized that we were routinely having dozens of people over. When we would have smaller get togethers, the people not invited to those were complaining about it. Apparently, we were expected to invite everyone, every time. But, those same complainers were not reciprocating. Not only that, they wouldn't even have us over for dinner or small things. So, needless to say, we stopped and just focused on those who were our friends. Friends reciprocate. Mooches do not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know OP I think someone really got to the meat of the matter in the last couple pages. You refer to this group of couples and people and ask why you don't get invited. But that points to a lack of individual relationship. You're not asking 'why hasn't my friend Susie reciprocated' which does point to maybe not getting to know these people as individuals.

I would also propose moving, it sounds like you're not in that kind of neighborhood. Move to a neighborhood that is more like that, more social, there are a lot in the DC area (glen echo, del ray, certain centreville neighborhoods, tacoma park). You might just not have a good neighborhood for this kind of stuff.

But you have to stop thinking about this as a polite/impolite problem and more as a 'not connecting with anyone individually' problem. If you connect with someone, you'll end up talking to them and events will occur naturally. It shouldn't always be some formal invitation. Real friendships are the 'hey i'm going to starbucks wanna come?' type things.

But PP with the trader joe's pizza, come on, you need to try a LITTLE bit if someone is coming over. Order a hot fresh pizza and buy a couple bottles of wine. Unless I'm a super close friend coming over to watch outlander or something.

Seriously, what's with ordering pizza vs trader Joe's pizza. My friends love a pizza place they always order from, which I can't stand (they put oregano in the crust). I will take trader joe pizza over that any day.

Hmm well personally I hate TJ's pizza, maybe that is part of it. But it also is like, 'let's make a frozen dinner' is when I'm feeling too lazy to even cook for my own family. And its IMO like bottom of the barrel dinner. I both don't want to cook or spend money to get something good, so let's just eat some calories. I feel like if someone is coming over I need to at least get the bar above, 'let's eat some calories'.

Anonymous wrote:If accepting YOUR invitation means I have to "host" you, please do not invite me. Our lives are full as is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you are a super good party giver, if people are complementing you. Maybe they feel like nothing they would do would be as nice?

Maybe try a more casual get together, like a potluck or very simple pizza party for your next party (or tacos or something similar) that seems more simple, less work and less costly. See what happens. Maybe not for a holiday.

My house looks like crap, my laundry baskets are all full, and I am embarrassed to have anyone over. If someone is throwing beautiful parties for different holidays, I would be too embarassed to order some pizza and invite them over.

Same here.

Why do so many people's house looks like crap and they are behind on household chores? I honestly don't understand it. Every time I go to someone's house it's a huge mess, cluttered, kids toys everywhere. If it's because it's 2 full-time working spouses and there is no time on the weekends because you're running around to kid activities, well why did you have more than one kid then? Or why don't you move to a lower cost of living area where one spouse can go part-time or SAH? I just don't get why so many of my friends are on frantic mode most of the time. There are choices they could make to have less stressed, less frantic lives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know OP I think someone really got to the meat of the matter in the last couple pages. You refer to this group of couples and people and ask why you don't get invited. But that points to a lack of individual relationship. You're not asking 'why hasn't my friend Susie reciprocated' which does point to maybe not getting to know these people as individuals.

I would also propose moving, it sounds like you're not in that kind of neighborhood. Move to a neighborhood that is more like that, more social, there are a lot in the DC area (glen echo, del ray, certain centreville neighborhoods, tacoma park). You might just not have a good neighborhood for this kind of stuff.

But you have to stop thinking about this as a polite/impolite problem and more as a 'not connecting with anyone individually' problem. If you connect with someone, you'll end up talking to them and events will occur naturally. It shouldn't always be some formal invitation. Real friendships are the 'hey i'm going to starbucks wanna come?' type things.

But PP with the trader joe's pizza, come on, you need to try a LITTLE bit if someone is coming over. Order a hot fresh pizza and buy a couple bottles of wine. Unless I'm a super close friend coming over to watch outlander or something.

Seriously, what's with ordering pizza vs trader Joe's pizza. My friends love a pizza place they always order from, which I can't stand (they put oregano in the crust). I will take trader joe pizza over that any day.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

You don't.

My closest friend is like you. Her house is amazing, she hosts TONS of parties. She is always dress well and her house can show at any moment. My house is a mess (and it's more apartment than house). But, I invite her over - because we are friends. Here is the thing, even if it was just someone that I was friendly with (and embarrassed about laundry piles) I would invite them to a playground or ice skating, or something.

It sounds like people are taking advantage of you. When you say "yes! let's get together" what happens next?

OP here. Usually they say: "let's get together sometime." I say, "great! We're pretty much always free on the weekends, let me know what works for you." Then either I don't end up ever hearing from them again about this or they say something like, "we'll have you over, let us know a good time that works for you"--but that's not really an invitation. Because then I would say, well how about this Saturday?" and I don't want to put them on the spot or make it seem like I'm inviting myself over.

A proper invitation is "we'd love for you to come over for a playdate this Saturday at 4 pm. Are you free then?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

You don't.

My closest friend is like you. Her house is amazing, she hosts TONS of parties. She is always dress well and her house can show at any moment. My house is a mess (and it's more apartment than house). But, I invite her over - because we are friends. Here is the thing, even if it was just someone that I was friendly with (and embarrassed about laundry piles) I would invite them to a playground or ice skating, or something.

It sounds like people are taking advantage of you. When you say "yes! let's get together" what happens next?

OP here. Usually they say: "let's get together sometime." I say, "great! We're pretty much always free on the weekends, let me know what works for you." Then either I don't end up ever hearing from them again about this or they say something like, "we'll have you over, let us know a good time that works for you"--but that's not really an invitation. Because then I would say, well how about this Saturday?" and I don't want to put them on the spot or make it seem like I'm inviting myself over.

A proper invitation is "we'd love for you to come over for a playdate this Saturday at 4 pm. Are you free then?"

Ugh. OP, I was with you until I read this. Not everyone is going to have read the book of etiquette you live by. People are people with flaws and if you want to be friends, you have to accept that they don't communicate/host/invite the same way as you.

OP here. Fair enough but when people put out a vague, "let's get together soon, let me know what works for you" I find that very confusing because I feel like if I respond and say, "ok, I'm free this Saturday afternoon, how about then" then that's putting them on the spot. I feel like it's very rare that people invite me to something concrete with an actual date and time instead of leaving it really vague and open-ended. I much prefer an actual date and time. Vague and open-ended is wishy washy and almost always results in never actually getting together.

Anonymous wrote:You know OP I think someone really got to the meat of the matter in the last couple pages. You refer to this group of couples and people and ask why you don't get invited. But that points to a lack of individual relationship. You're not asking 'why hasn't my friend Susie reciprocated' which does point to maybe not getting to know these people as individuals.

I would also propose moving, it sounds like you're not in that kind of neighborhood. Move to a neighborhood that is more like that, more social, there are a lot in the DC area (glen echo, del ray, certain centreville neighborhoods, tacoma park). You might just not have a good neighborhood for this kind of stuff.

But you have to stop thinking about this as a polite/impolite problem and more as a 'not connecting with anyone individually' problem. If you connect with someone, you'll end up talking to them and events will occur naturally. It shouldn't always be some formal invitation. Real friendships are the 'hey i'm going to starbucks wanna come?' type things.

But PP with the trader joe's pizza, come on, you need to try a LITTLE bit if someone is coming over. Order a hot fresh pizza and buy a couple bottles of wine. Unless I'm a super close friend coming over to watch outlander or something.

OP here. Fair enough but when people put out a vague, "let's get together soon, let me know what works for you" I find that very confusing because I feel like if I respond and say, "ok, I'm free this Saturday afternoon, how about then" then that's putting them on the spot. I feel like it's very rare that people invite me to something concrete with an actual date and time instead of leaving it really vague and open-ended. I much prefer an actual date and time. Vague and open-ended is wishy washy and almost always results in never actually getting together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

The suggestion of finding non-mom friends is a good one. I need to do more of that. This fall, though, to try to do more of that, I did sign up for a 10 week cooking class at my church. It's during the day (from noon-1 pm), and I thought I would meet other moms maybe, but everyone is over 65. Which is fine, and I've met some nice older ladies, but I'm 34 and was hoping to meet more folks at least in my same life stage.

I'm a nurse who works 4 shifts a week, so part-time, and not a SAHM. My daughter is in morning preschool 3 days per week and then I'm home with her in the afternoons, or we have a part-time nanny who is home with her when I'm working.

But I do have lots of time to spend with my child, so I consider myself kind of like a SAHM, since I'm around during the days most days. I have joined a few SAHM groups, and go to the activities, but haven't really made any SAHM friends. All my friends who I met at moms groups or at church work full-timeh, including the moms at the preschool. Due to the nature of my job (since when I'm off the clock I'm off the clock), I have a lot of "mental energy" when I'm home to spend planning parties and events, making sure my house is guest-ready, cooking, cleaning, etc. That also means a lot of time I feel very lonely, and that I have too much time on my hands.

I am trying to make a whole new social life. We moved here from out of state 5 years ago, and we moved here not knowing a single person. It was really hard at first, but then I had my daughter and I started meeting tons of moms, at my breastfeeding support group, moms groups, etc. I stayed home for the first 6 months so it was easy to meet other moms, and I've stayed friends with them. My daughter is now 3.

Regarding the parties, admittedly my house does look like something out of HGTV (the house after all the renos), I spend a lot of time on renovations and decorating, and my house is always clean, tidy, and well-organized. When guests come over maybe they feel like their house can't measure up. But renovating, decorating, and home-making is my hobby, along with entertaining, so I enjoy it.

For me planning the next party or event at my house is like going on vacation--I love the anticipation, the planning, the details. I plan out the food, drinks, crafts, etc. weeks in advance, and every detail about my parties is Pinterest-worthy. People seem to love my parties and I get tons of compliments, and I'm also a gracious host who makes sure everyone enjoys themselves and that the conversation flows well.

But what gets to me is that people aren't inviting us over even for simple playdates. All I want is for someone to think of me, to say, hey, I haven't had you all over in a long time. Want to come over next week for a playdate?

They do often say, "we should get together for a playdate soon" and then we are never invited, despite the fact that I've already invited them over to 2 parties, and 3 playdates at my house that year. It makes me wonder if I really do have friends or not.

You don't.

My closest friend is like you. Her house is amazing, she hosts TONS of parties. She is always dress well and her house can show at any moment. My house is a mess (and it's more apartment than house). But, I invite her over - because we are friends. Here is the thing, even if it was just someone that I was friendly with (and embarrassed about laundry piles) I would invite them to a playground or ice skating, or something.

It sounds like people are taking advantage of you. When you say "yes! let's get together" what happens next?

OP here. Usually they say: "let's get together sometime." I say, "great! We're pretty much always free on the weekends, let me know what works for you." Then either I don't end up ever hearing from them again about this or they say something like, "we'll have you over, let us know a good time that works for you"--but that's not really an invitation. Because then I would say, well how about this Saturday?" and I don't want to put them on the spot or make it seem like I'm inviting myself over.

A proper invitation is "we'd love for you to come over for a playdate this Saturday at 4 pm. Are you free then?"

Ugh. OP, I was with you until I read this. Not everyone is going to have read the book of etiquette you live by. People are people with flaws and if you want to be friends, you have to accept that they don't communicate/host/invite the same way as you.