Anonymous wrote:Oh no. Oh OP, I’m very sorry.

Yes, this was a highly inappropriate relationship, and yes - I think it can be called an affair. There’s some kind of disconnect in your husband - perhaps there’s some denial going on that enabled him to perceive himself as an “honorable husband” because he only let it go so far sexually and kept it simmering at a level he deemed appropriate and unthreatening to your marriage. But the fact that it went on for a year, they saw each other 5-6 times a week and texted constantly, while all the while he knew she wanted to pursue a sexual relationship - and that they had shared a kiss and some inappropriate hugging - yeah, that’s an affair.

It doesn’t sound like your DH is deeply attached to her in the sense that it filled some kind of need for him but he didn’t necessarily check out of your marriage or withdraw from you.
It certainly doesn’t sound like a love connection - but you will need to unpack this with him and get the whole story.

What it tells you is that your DH has the ability to compartmentalize - as long as he kept a particular boundary then he could tell himself he was being that wonderful husband that he portrayed himself to be when you initially confronted him. He probably genuinely wants to be that husband, because he came clean to you and immediately ended their relationship.

Great analysis. I'm a NP. I agree and think your husband was cheating emotionally, and agree that he compartmentalized it because he didn't seem to cross many physical boundaries. But the fact that he didn't end the relationship after the inappropriate hugging and kiss happened makes me think he was also mentally entangled in this relationship and probably enjoyed it too much to let it go.

Kudos to you for driving to that ho's house and talking to her face to face. I hope she will now live with the consequences of her horrible behavior and have to deal with $hit from her husband. Not saying that your husband is exempt from contributing to the EA.

I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you guys can make peace with what happened and move forward in a healthy way.

This is very tough op in sorry. I'm usually in the cheat you are done camp. Your husband is s good man. He was tested, badly, and in my opinion, he passed. Maybe do a few sessions of therapy to have a dedicated time/place to talk about it and sort out your feelings.

Oh no. Oh OP, I’m very sorry.

Yes, this was a highly inappropriate relationship, and yes - I think it can be called an affair. There’s some kind of disconnect in your husband - perhaps there’s some denial going on that enabled him to perceive himself as an “honorable husband” because he only let it go so far sexually and kept it simmering at a level he deemed appropriate and unthreatening to your marriage. But the fact that it went on for a year, they saw each other 5-6 times a week and texted constantly, while all the while he knew she wanted to pursue a sexual relationship - and that they had shared a kiss and some inappropriate hugging - yeah, that’s an affair.

It doesn’t sound like your DH is deeply attached to her in the sense that it filled some kind of need for him but he didn’t necessarily check out of your marriage or withdraw from you.
It certainly doesn’t sound like a love connection - but you will need to unpack this with him and get the whole story.

What it tells you is that your DH has the ability to compartmentalize - as long as he kept a particular boundary then he could tell himself he was being that wonderful husband that he portrayed himself to be when you initially confronted him. He probably genuinely wants to be that husband, because he came clean to you and immediately ended their relationship.

OP HERE for another update. This has taken an interesting turn.

Because of these posts, it started to make me question if there really could have been anything else going on so, last night, I pushed him a bit more. "Are you sure nothing ever happened?" I repeated it again and with more prompting, it came out. Apparently, about a year ago or so, there was a "phase" of time (he says over a year) where after work/happy hours where there was drinking, it would be dark and he would walk her to her car (totally believable since he always walks me and the women in his life to their cars after dark). But that when they said goodbye, apparently the hugs would linger and week after week, (they'd work together 2-3 times a month) the hugs got longer. He says that eventually it got to the point where he had to tell her that they had to stop, it was inappropriate and that his family and wife was the most important thing, etc, etc and they stopped, so he says. I asked if they ever kissed, he says he only kissed her once on the cheek. He said once she said to him, "Can't we just make out?"

So, a bit upset and confused (is this cheating? is this an affair? is this even a big deal?) I left the house to drive around and called a friend that suggested I go to her house and get the story from the other woman. I was fired up so I drove to her house. Her husband answered the door (confused someone would be knocking at 9pm in the rain) and went and got her.

I simply said, "I know what happened between you and my husband. Now I want to hear your side of the story." and emotionless, she went on to tell me the same story as my husband except that they "touched but not genitals" (not sure what that means), and that there was a kiss on the lips but not open mouth. I said, "thank you and there will be no more running" and left (trying not to punch her). Before I got home, an e-mail went from him to her (I was bcc'd) that basically said, "I can no longer run with you as being around you is not honorable to my wife and family, etc" And I think she wrote back something like, "okay, have a nice life."

How should I perceive this "relationship"? Would you say this was cheating? An emotional affair?

I think if nothing is going on now, it definitely will later on.

They both are obviously physically attracted to each other by both of their omissions.

I wouldn’t feel too good about an attractive woman calling my husband “Gorgeous” married or not.

If this whole running set-up is making you uncomfortable, then let your hubby know & see if he actually offers to discontinue their running dates on his own which he should.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Some serious sock puppetimg on this page.

Wow Yoda, the force is strong with you it is.
Go.away.

Honey, please this is a big no. Either you start running with them or put your foot down. And don't Listen to those "you should trust your DH type s" Your DH should not spend significant amounts of time not work related with anyone of the opposition sex that He isn't related by blood to. Same goes for you. This is how you keep problems from cropping up. I would put the kibosh on it real quick.

Anonymous wrote:Hard no, OP. I'm not the jealous, insecure type at all. My DH and I have been married 30 years. It's less about what your DH's intentions are and all about the situation. People who have been married for a long time understand that everyone feels temptation at some point. You protect your marriage by avoiding situations that could lead to an affair. There is nothing wrong with a guy having a female running buddy. Running 5 days a week together? Red flag. Inappropriate texts? Another red flag. I would be honest. Tell your DH you are uncomfortable. And remember, your intuition is rarely wrong. That's thousands and thousands of years of instinct that you are tapping into. You should always pay attention to that gut feeling.

This!

Anonymous wrote:OP spoke to her husband and they mutually resolved the issue on page 3 or 4 several days ago. thx.

People are still discussing the issue at hand in a broader hypothetical sense, as well as several relevant off-shoots and tangents. thx.

OP spoke to her husband and they mutually resolved the issue on page 3 or 4 several days ago. thx.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I......would put this in the category of "no."

Seems perfectly reasonable to say to DH "Look. I know you like running and I know Stacey is a nice person. And I trust you, but I have to be honest it makes me very uncomfortable that you run with her so often. Would you be willing to stop doing that for me? I don't feel good about it, and if you asked me to stop meeting a male friend 5x a week because it made you feel bad I would like to think I'd honor that."

I'm not sure if you are the same PP who often posts advice on how to say something in these threads, but if you are, I'd just like to tell you that you have such a good way of wording awkward or tough conversations. If I were the OP I would be like "Will you PLEASE STOP with the 6 day a week predawn runs with Ms. Hot?" and that would be how I;'d put it. And it wouldn't go well.

Same here! I appreciate you posting such great ways to frame things! You're awesome!

Disagree - it sounds a bit phony and contrived to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is my last response.

I'm floored that there are folks that don't believe that someone, my husband in this case, could have such a kind and loving response. It makes me sad for you that you may not have ever experienced this. At dinner tonight, not only did he reiterate everything he said earlier, but he also talked to another (male) friend about working towards doing the Marine Corp Marathon.

Who has time to troll, especially with all my detail? I certainly don't.

Thank you for the kind legitimate responses I got. It really did help.

My thoughts exactly, OP. I guess if anything this attitude is easy to reconcile with the fact that there are so many bitter, unhappy divorced people on here - no one can relate to or even comprehend the type of dynamic that occurs in mature, healthy, and long-enduring marriages. These responses are certainly enlightening

In a mature, healthy, and long-enduring marriage, one spouse doesn't get jealous when the other one has an activity that he/she enjoys. It's called trust.

Uhh...OP is not jealous that her husband has an activity he enjoys. She's not asking him to quit running. How are you not understanding this?

Secondarily, I would disagree with your whole premise there. Sometimes there are circumstances where one person needs to cut back on time / $ spent doing something they love, for the greater good / sake of the rest of the family. If my spouse wanted to spend all our money and a quarter of the year traveling to far-removed backcountry ski destinations, like we both enjoyed doing before we had kids, I'd have a (justified) problem with it. Luckily this is not the case, but I'd certainly take issue in that scenario. Not that this is relevant to OP's situation, just pointing out the flaws in your simplistic statement

Some serious sock puppetimg on this page.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is my last response.

I'm floored that there are folks that don't believe that someone, my husband in this case, could have such a kind and loving response. It makes me sad for you that you may not have ever experienced this. At dinner tonight, not only did he reiterate everything he said earlier, but he also talked to another (male) friend about working towards doing the Marine Corp Marathon.

Who has time to troll, especially with all my detail? I certainly don't.

Thank you for the kind legitimate responses I got. It really did help.

My thoughts exactly, OP. I guess if anything this attitude is easy to reconcile with the fact that there are so many bitter, unhappy divorced people on here - no one can relate to or even comprehend the type of dynamic that occurs in mature, healthy, and long-enduring marriages. These responses are certainly enlightening

In a mature, healthy, and long-enduring marriage, one spouse doesn't get jealous when the other one has an activity that he/she enjoys. It's called trust.

Haha. I don't know that you read the thread at all, but I'll ask you this: how long have you been married?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. This is my last response.

I'm floored that there are folks that don't believe that someone, my husband in this case, could have such a kind and loving response. It makes me sad for you that you may not have ever experienced this. At dinner tonight, not only did he reiterate everything he said earlier, but he also talked to another (male) friend about working towards doing the Marine Corp Marathon.

Who has time to troll, especially with all my detail? I certainly don't.

Thank you for the kind legitimate responses I got. It really did help.

My thoughts exactly, OP. I guess if anything this attitude is easy to reconcile with the fact that there are so many bitter, unhappy divorced people on here - no one can relate to or even comprehend the type of dynamic that occurs in mature, healthy, and long-enduring marriages. These responses are certainly enlightening

In a mature, healthy, and long-enduring marriage, one spouse doesn't get jealous when the other one has an activity that he/she enjoys. It's called trust.