Anonymous
Post 11/06/2017 16:26     Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to my daughter when she was 11 years old. We were new to this area and soon she befriended a very sweet and very popular girl. About a year into the friendship my daughter was 100% sure she would be invited to the girl's birthday. She wasn't invited, and it sucked. My daughter was really heartbroken. The thing is that this girl was the world to my daughter because it was her doorway to friends and acceptance in a new place. But the reality was that this girl had a lot of lifelong friends who she felt closer to and invited them to her birthday. The girl was never mean or unkind to my daughter, she was kind and accepting, but their perspectives were different at the time because of each girl's personal story. I was sad for may daughter, but I explained about longer friendships, that in life she wouldn't be invited to everything, and that it was part of life. We had a mom and daughter day instead, we went to the movies and shopping and then for a nice dinner. I would have never dreamed of complaining about it. This family didn't owe us anything and it was the girl's birthday, her special day and she chose her most special friends. Fast forward 5 years later and my daughter and this girl are inseparable. Their friendship has grown every year, they both have a wonderful group of close friends. The next birthday my daughter was invited because the relationship had grown. I understand why OP didn't invite the new girl. He daughter is not very close to her. But the neighbor's mom needs to back up and be a parent. Complaining about it is not going to strengthen the bond these two girls are slowly forming, only time and does that.


Np: thank you for this perspective and I think you handled it wonderfully!


DP. I think the PP did well by her daughter. While the stories are similar, I don't think that this story has the important critical feature that the party invitees were not only older friends of the birthday girl but 3 of 4 of the friends that all play together with the OP's daughter. That exclusion is more cutting and cruel.
Anonymous
Post 11/06/2017 16:24     Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:Something very similar happened to my daughter when she was 11 years old. We were new to this area and soon she befriended a very sweet and very popular girl. About a year into the friendship my daughter was 100% sure she would be invited to the girl's birthday. She wasn't invited, and it sucked. My daughter was really heartbroken. The thing is that this girl was the world to my daughter because it was her doorway to friends and acceptance in a new place. But the reality was that this girl had a lot of lifelong friends who she felt closer to and invited them to her birthday. The girl was never mean or unkind to my daughter, she was kind and accepting, but their perspectives were different at the time because of each girl's personal story. I was sad for may daughter, but I explained about longer friendships, that in life she wouldn't be invited to everything, and that it was part of life. We had a mom and daughter day instead, we went to the movies and shopping and then for a nice dinner. I would have never dreamed of complaining about it. This family didn't owe us anything and it was the girl's birthday, her special day and she chose her most special friends. Fast forward 5 years later and my daughter and this girl are inseparable. Their friendship has grown every year, they both have a wonderful group of close friends. The next birthday my daughter was invited because the relationship had grown. I understand why OP didn't invite the new girl. He daughter is not very close to her. But the neighbor's mom needs to back up and be a parent. Complaining about it is not going to strengthen the bond these two girls are slowly forming, only time and does that.


Np: thank you for this perspective and I think you handled it wonderfully!
Anonymous
Post 11/06/2017 15:58     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:So she hangs out with 4 girls in the neighborhood and you only invited 3 of them?

I think that's tacky and insensitive and doesn't cast you or your daughter in a great light. It's not great that the other mom said anything to anyone, and her daughter will get over it, but you aren't coming out smelling like roses.


This, absolutely. Also - you spend $1500 on a 10 yo birthday party? JFC.

Note - there are some people who can do this no problem, and more power to them. You, however, are not one of them, because for budgetary reasons you set a hard cap at 10. I think if you step back and look at the whole situation, you will see than you aren't teaching your daughter very good lessons. Actually, the more likely outcome is that you won't see that at all, which is a larger problem.
Anonymous
Post 11/06/2017 15:51     Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Something very similar happened to my daughter when she was 11 years old. We were new to this area and soon she befriended a very sweet and very popular girl. About a year into the friendship my daughter was 100% sure she would be invited to the girl's birthday. She wasn't invited, and it sucked. My daughter was really heartbroken. The thing is that this girl was the world to my daughter because it was her doorway to friends and acceptance in a new place. But the reality was that this girl had a lot of lifelong friends who she felt closer to and invited them to her birthday. The girl was never mean or unkind to my daughter, she was kind and accepting, but their perspectives were different at the time because of each girl's personal story. I was sad for may daughter, but I explained about longer friendships, that in life she wouldn't be invited to everything, and that it was part of life. We had a mom and daughter day instead, we went to the movies and shopping and then for a nice dinner. I would have never dreamed of complaining about it. This family didn't owe us anything and it was the girl's birthday, her special day and she chose her most special friends. Fast forward 5 years later and my daughter and this girl are inseparable. Their friendship has grown every year, they both have a wonderful group of close friends. The next birthday my daughter was invited because the relationship had grown. I understand why OP didn't invite the new girl. He daughter is not very close to her. But the neighbor's mom needs to back up and be a parent. Complaining about it is not going to strengthen the bond these two girls are slowly forming, only time and does that.
Anonymous
Post 11/06/2017 14:26     Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:This is a tough one. I agree with some posters that the OP did not technically do anything wrong, she was simply being herself. Some people are very sensitive to the feelings of others, some are not. Some people do not raise their children to have empathy for others. We cannot dictate how another person chooses to live his or her life. We can only make the best decisions for ourselves and our children.


Exactly. And that person is not a good one.
Anonymous
Post 11/06/2017 13:20     Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
This is a tough one. I agree with some posters that the OP did not technically do anything wrong, she was simply being herself. Some people are very sensitive to the feelings of others, some are not. Some people do not raise their children to have empathy for others. We cannot dictate how another person chooses to live his or her life. We can only make the best decisions for ourselves and our children.
Anonymous
Post 11/06/2017 12:02     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So, I understand how the friend feels left out (and I agree, it stinks), but this board has been especially vocal (until now) about the need to teach kids that not everybody gets an invite. What has changed? (I still think it's the money. If the OP had not mentioned the price and details of the party, I think most people would revert back to DCUM's old ways.)


It's the 3 out of 4 that changed. It's like inviting your family minus my least favorite kid of yours. Well, almost.


+1 exactly. You're talking about a group of kids who play together in the neighborhood. OP invited all of them -- except for one. That's crummy. It's not the same as just generally not inviting kids her daughter knows.


+2

A fairly basic rule of party etiquette is that, barring unusual circumstances, you invite all of the members of a given group, or you invite less than half--you don't invite 9 out of 10 of your coworkers, you don't invite all your aunts and uncles but one, you don't invite everyone in the class except for two kids. OP invited 3 out of 4 girls who all play together in the neighborhood. The uninvited girl naturally feels hurt and excluded. If the mom of that child had asked me, I would have told her to sympathize with her daughter's feelings, because yes, it hurts, but not to make a big deal of it publicly and to help her daughter process her hurt feelings. But the mom of that child isn't asking for advice or feedback, OP is.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 17:06     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So, I understand how the friend feels left out (and I agree, it stinks), but this board has been especially vocal (until now) about the need to teach kids that not everybody gets an invite. What has changed? (I still think it's the money. If the OP had not mentioned the price and details of the party, I think most people would revert back to DCUM's old ways.)


It's the 3 out of 4 that changed. It's like inviting your family minus my least favorite kid of yours. Well, almost.


+1 exactly. You're talking about a group of kids who play together in the neighborhood. OP invited all of them -- except for one. That's crummy. It's not the same as just generally not inviting kids her daughter knows.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 17:01     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:So, I understand how the friend feels left out (and I agree, it stinks), but this board has been especially vocal (until now) about the need to teach kids that not everybody gets an invite. What has changed? (I still think it's the money. If the OP had not mentioned the price and details of the party, I think most people would revert back to DCUM's old ways.)


It's the 3 out of 4 that changed. It's like inviting your family minus my least favorite kid of yours. Well, almost.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 16:29     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
So, I understand how the friend feels left out (and I agree, it stinks), but this board has been especially vocal (until now) about the need to teach kids that not everybody gets an invite. What has changed? (I still think it's the money. If the OP had not mentioned the price and details of the party, I think most people would revert back to DCUM's old ways.)
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 12:21     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Honestly, this is why my DD never ends up having a b-day party. Impossible to narrow the guest list without hurting friends' feelings, so we just celebrate as a family.
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 12:19     Subject: Re:Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She has every right to decide whatever guest list she likes, but inviting 3/4 neighborhood friends is inevitably going to lead to very hurt feelings and you need to accept that.


That child's mother needs to accept it and explain it to her daughter. The girl chose the friends she was closest to.


That child's mother has just as much right to complain vocally to other neighbors as OP has to exclude her daughter. You reap what you sow. What's OP's problem? That she looks bad? That neighbors think she's kind of rude and tacky? Tough luck.

Sure, she has every right to limit a list. But excluding one person out of a group of four who regularly play together is beyond tacky. OP isn't teaching her daughter about social etiquette, about how in that situation, it's very hurtful to specifically exclude one person from a group.

Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 12:16     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Anonymous wrote:So she hangs out with 4 girls in the neighborhood and you only invited 3 of them?

I think that's tacky and insensitive and doesn't cast you or your daughter in a great light. It's not great that the other mom said anything to anyone, and her daughter will get over it, but you aren't coming out smelling like roses.


+1
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 12:10     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Why hasn’t OP come back? Because the story is fake?
Anonymous
Post 11/05/2017 12:07     Subject: Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party
Op should have done a fancy venue party with friends from outside the neighborhood and then the next day she should have done a regular cake/ice cream/pinata party for the friends in the neighborhood and maybe invited some or all of those kids to sleep over.

I just think that having the big, fancy party and then inviting all those kids to the house afterwards was probably a bit in your face to the one little girl who wasn't invited. I can't imagine how Op felt comfortable and o.k. doing that. But whatever. At this point, just let it blow over and learn from it what you will, Op.