Anonymous wrote:OP you sound like a quality woman who deserves a quality man, not your loser husband and kids.

The kids are 5 and 3 how can they be losers lol

"Damn losers with birthdays and bath needs..."

OP you sound like a quality woman who deserves a quality man, not your loser husband and kids.

Anonymous wrote:Your words may say "I wanted sex" but your actions say "I wanted to me a SuperMom and a martyr"

+1 OP you set yourself up for failure.

Don't be so obsessed with decluttering and cleaning. Don't have pets. You seem to be creating chaos to prevent you from having sex. The kids don't like their food containers? Then they don't eat until they do. That's what we do in my house and my sexual needs are met.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have so much to do. I have two kids, 5 and 3. We both work full time though I work from home. The house looks pretty good. Life is easy and relaxed.

Ok, I know everyone is enjoying the pile-on, but this is a little ridiculous. "Easy and relaxed" is not the norm for any family I know with two small kids where both parents work full-time. At best, it's a hustle Mon-Fri to try to stay on top of work and kids and food and house, with some relaxation once the weekend arrives. At worst, you spend the whole weekend taking the kids to activities and trying to do all the chores you couldn't get to during the week, just in time to start it all up again on Monday.

TLDR if you don't think life with a full-time job and two small kids is a grind, I feel like you either have some exceptionally good setup or need to tell me your secrets.

i actually find weekends to be me exhausting than the workday. during the day, children are in preschool/k. when i pick them up (short walk), they will only be awake for like 4 more hours at most. they need to eat and we bath them (though not every night).

not sure what activities are you referring to? we only go to birthdays, sometimes to the park (across the street), symphony or theater once a month. but we do some extra math at home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

You're ridiculous. If you don't declutter before the cleaners come, nothing gets cleaned and it's a waste of money.

They clean the house, they don't put away your stuff.

Yeah what do I know, I just clean my own house like a plebe so if the crap isn't bothering me I don't move it for the sake of someone else coming the next day. I just move it when I feel like it. Kinda rules and is cheap!

If you want to have sex, do it. If you don't, do chores and say you're busy. Pretty simple folks!

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you have so much to do. I have two kids, 5 and 3. We both work full time though I work from home. The house looks pretty good. Life is easy and relaxed.

Ok, I know everyone is enjoying the pile-on, but this is a little ridiculous. "Easy and relaxed" is not the norm for any family I know with two small kids where both parents work full-time. At best, it's a hustle Mon-Fri to try to stay on top of work and kids and food and house, with some relaxation once the weekend arrives. At worst, you spend the whole weekend taking the kids to activities and trying to do all the chores you couldn't get to during the week, just in time to start it all up again on Monday.

TLDR if you don't think life with a full-time job and two small kids is a grind, I feel like you either have some exceptionally good setup or need to tell me your secrets.

Anonymous wrote:You have a cleaner coming but prioritized cleaning for the cleaner above spending quality time with your husband. He's not the only one to blame for what happened.

You're ridiculous. If you don't declutter before the cleaners come, nothing gets cleaned and it's a waste of money.

They clean the house, they don't put away your stuff.

OP strikes me as possibly the kind of woman who creates a lot of work that she feels must be done but is unnecessary.

My MIL is a very organized, efficient woman. When DD1 was born, she came to our home to help (she lives abroad). She was very busy all day long. However she was mostly doing stuff that we didn't even consider doing before her arrival. In fact, she created so much additional work that she deemed essential and non-negotiable that we had to work more than before she was helping (she also spent enormous amounts of our money on groceries that were also a non-negotiable).

Some choose chores that are indeed essential. But many are a choice. You don't have to cook every day and when you do there are a lot of choices in terms of complexity, time and cost. The same holds for cleaning, clutter. For example, our house is very tidy but it's not very clean and we don't cook much.

You priorities seem to be having a perfect home, perfect birthday parties etc. Something then must be pushed aside, e.g. sex. You might want to think whether your husband is not helping because he considers those activities as choices you are making. Why do you need to meet all those relatives before birthday? If they are mostly his relatives (as you say) why are you pushing it?

Use paper plates plastic solo cups and plastic utensils.

DH here. I kind of agree that I don't think sex wasn't the end goal here. It was to get your husband to help out when he doesn't usually, which is fine, but these are two separate things in my opinion. My wife says we never have time for sex but she has time to do a million other things. So to me that means she doesn't want sex. If you want something to happen, you can make it happen full stop.

Also, if I were your husband in this scenario, I would have not seen anything that indicated that you wanted to have sex. A text earlier in the day is great, but if I were him all I would see is you doing the same stuff that you do every night. IE you texted saying you want to have sex and then proceeded to everything status quo with no indication of wanting to have sex. Next time when you get home say "I am really horny and want you to take me but in order for that to happen I really need you to do these things for us. If you can't/don''t I really won't have the time or energy to have great sex with you". If he still doesn't do anything then he just doesn't care about having sex with you. Not trying to be mean, but if it was spelled out to him clearly and he didn't follow through that would be how I would read it.

Also, as an aside, I have been a doing all of the things that you wished he would do for years and I have very little if any sex with my wife, so if you are doing it once every few weeks he might just not feel like its worth it to help out the way you want him to. Not in a mean way, but he may be doing a cost benefit of doing the things you want him to vs. doing what he needs for himself and just saying screw it, its not worth it for me. That's where I am, I still help out and we are a good team for the most part, but I do that mostly for the sake of the kids. I just don't really care to help out like I used to because I end up in the same place regardless at the end of the day. Maybe that is where he is mentally, checked out. Good luck, this stuff sucks.

My DH knows and accepts that I'm not the best at housekeeping. Never have and never will and my DH does his fair share. But he also knows I'd rather jump in bed with him then straighten out my closet or get rid of the clutter on the kitchen counters. Sex with your DH will only be a priority if its something you really enjoy. Otherwise, the list of excuses is endless and new ones will just pop up.

Thanks to everyone. This has been very helpful. -OP

I know my anecdotal experience isn't data, but my own experience makes it hard for me to believe that a guy doing chores will have a big impact on the sex life.

I already felt like I was doing a solid job with the kids and around the house on top of my day job. But, when we discussed our slow sex life (once every 3 weeks) my wife said that maybe if she wasn't so busy with chores around the house she'd be in the mood more often. So, I stepped up the effort on household chores. It did not improve our sex life.
My wife just found different stuff to keep her just as busy.