Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

This is exactly the same article, but on a different website...what gives?

A little too much promotion for a lousy article that assigns blame to women. It's like blaming someone for their personal dislike of certain foods or sports. It's as simple as that.

It actually does not assign the blame to women. It absolutely, completely assigns the blame to her husband, saying that it is his job to get her in a place where she feels interested in sex, and that he needs to figure out what to do to make that happen, since he is the one interested in (more frequent) sex. The only way I would see that it could blame women is that the letter writer, "mary," does not seem to share any of this information with her husband.

It's not his job either nor is he to blame if she doesn't rate sex #1 in her book. Not my husbands fault because I can't stand Mexican food. We all have like and dislikes, it's part of being a person. Neither is right or wrong.

I hated Mexican too until I found a great Mexican restaurant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

This is exactly the same article, but on a different website...what gives?

A little too much promotion for a lousy article that assigns blame to women. It's like blaming someone for their personal dislike of certain foods or sports. It's as simple as that.

It actually does not assign the blame to women. It absolutely, completely assigns the blame to her husband, saying that it is his job to get her in a place where she feels interested in sex, and that he needs to figure out what to do to make that happen, since he is the one interested in (more frequent) sex. The only way I would see that it could blame women is that the letter writer, "mary," does not seem to share any of this information with her husband.

It's not his job either nor is he to blame if she doesn't rate sex #1 in her book. Not my husbands fault because I can't stand Mexican food. We all have like and dislikes, it's part of being a person. Neither is right or wrong.

Read the article before you start criticizing it. She does rate sex #1, but she has a hard time getting interested. He suggests that she and her husband figure out what does get her "in the mood" so to speak, and that she ask her husband to do that whenever he wants to initiate sex.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

This is exactly the same article, but on a different website...what gives?

A little too much promotion for a lousy article that assigns blame to women. It's like blaming someone for their personal dislike of certain foods or sports. It's as simple as that.

It actually does not assign the blame to women. It absolutely, completely assigns the blame to her husband, saying that it is his job to get her in a place where she feels interested in sex, and that he needs to figure out what to do to make that happen, since he is the one interested in (more frequent) sex. The only way I would see that it could blame women is that the letter writer, "mary," does not seem to share any of this information with her husband.

It's not his job either nor is he to blame if she doesn't rate sex #1 in her book. Not my husbands fault because I can't stand Mexican food. We all have like and dislikes, it's part of being a person. Neither is right or wrong.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

This is exactly the same article, but on a different website...what gives?

A little too much promotion for a lousy article that assigns blame to women. It's like blaming someone for their personal dislike of certain foods or sports. It's as simple as that.

It actually does not assign the blame to women. It absolutely, completely assigns the blame to her husband, saying that it is his job to get her in a place where she feels interested in sex, and that he needs to figure out what to do to make that happen, since he is the one interested in (more frequent) sex. The only way I would see that it could blame women is that the letter writer, "mary," does not seem to share any of this information with her husband.

Anonymous wrote:Most women tend toward the "responsive desire" end of the responsive/spontaneous desire spectrum.

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

Even if they don't spontaneously think about and desire sex, sexual desire emerges in an erotic context, after sexy things start happening.

So basically, throw her on the bed and mount up, and she'll get into it.

And if not, it still goes in the WIN column. Awesome!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

This is exactly the same article, but on a different website...what gives?

A little too much promotion for a lousy article that assigns blame to women. It's like blaming someone for their personal dislike of certain foods or sports. It's as simple as that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

No, sorry , but you don't speak for all or most wives.

Can you provide any links to a scientific study that would dispute the claims (DWs dont think about sex very often; sexual thoughts are quickly overridden with mundane life issues or resentments) made above?
I have never seen a single legit study that says such a thing. Obviously there are exceptions, and you may be in this minority.

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

No, sorry , but you don't speak for all or most wives.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious about the points below:

What makes you unattracted to your spouse?

Are you still attracted to and turned on by other men (cute doctor, guy at the gym etc) or is that part of your brain just switched off entirely?

What would you say is the main reason (relationship or otherwise) that you and your spouse are not sexually active?

Do you still take care of your own needs? (Masturbation)

1) I still find my DH attractive. I just don't have the same desire for him as I did when we were newlyweds. I assume this is true for most women.

2) Rarely, that part is mostly switched off.

3) We have sex a couple times a month, but lack of desire is routine, exhaustion, no time for me. Sex is just not something I want. Sometimes I get into it when we start.

4) Occasionally.

The novelty of a new relationship isn't hitting your gas pedal as much as it used to, and the context of your relationship with your spouse isn't often sexy in other ways that hit the gas pedal. Meanwhile, you have a lot more things (e.g. kids, mortgage, work, stress of all kinds) hitting the brake pedal than you used to. Easier said than done, but if you want to want more and better sex, your husband and you have to figure out ways to rearrange your life to reduce the brake and hit the gas.

Not PP, but I fixed this for you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/ss/50-1.html

Omg, see - just doing it and having fun is way better than having to read some long assed explanatory crap about what you should be doing sexually et al.
Or, worse, getting hauled into a therapists office to draw live circles and make googy eyes at each other more and talk about your mothers for $260/hour plus babysitters.
Just do it people.

Anonymous wrote:It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

This is exactly the same article, but on a different website...what gives?

Most women tend toward the "responsive desire" end of the responsive/spontaneous desire spectrum.

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

Even if they don't spontaneously think about and desire sex, sexual desire emerges in an erotic context, after sexy things start happening.

It's not about the orgasm!
The sad reality is that most DWs (esp those with kids!) do not really think about sex very often.
This is basic biology/hormones, it has nothing to do with her DH.
On those rare occasion that sex crosses her mind, it is quickly pushed aside by some perceived offense committed by her DH several days ago.

The article is an excellent depiction of this issue, with some very good recommended solutions. Read the link, people!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/ss/50-1.html

I will bet from all the women I've talked to it's NOT about the orgasm. It ranges from resentments to rather be doing other things. Other reasons are age related and lack of attraction. A good friend told us her husband was diagnosed with ED last year. She was ecstatic because he felt her providing him constant sex was her job. She's much happier in the marriage today.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm curious about the points below:

What makes you unattracted to your spouse?

Are you still attracted to and turned on by other men (cute doctor, guy at the gym etc) or is that part of your brain just switched off entirely?

What would you say is the main reason (relationship or otherwise) that you and your spouse are not sexually active?

Do you still take care of your own needs? (Masturbation)[/quote]

1) I still find my DH attractive. I just don't have the same desire for him as I did when we were newlyweds. I assume this is true for most women.

2) Rarely, that part is mostly switched off.

3) We have sex a couple times a month, but lack of desire is routine, exhaustion, no time for me. Sex is just not something I want. Sometimes I get into it when we start.

4) Occasionally.[/quote]

The novelty of a new relationship isn't hitting your gas pedal as much as it used to, and the context of your relationship with your spouse isn't often sexy in other ways that hit the gas pedal. Meanwhile, you have a lot more things (e.g. kids, mortgage, work, stress of all kinds) hitting the brake pedal than you used to. Easier said than done, but if you want [b]to want[/b] more and better sex, [b]your husband and you[/b] have to figure out ways to rearrange your life to reduce the brake and hit the gas. [/quote]

Not PP, but I fixed this for you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/ss/50-1.html[/quote]

This was really an interesting read. I may show this to my husband. It would be great if getting in the mood for sex didn't feel like a lot of work and effort on my part. We still have sex 2-3 times a week, and he doesn't complain, but it feels to me more like exercising 2-3 times a week...I enjoy it, but I mostly do it to stay healthy...than, say, eating ice cream 2-3 times a week...something I do just because it makes me happy.
[/quote]


More b.s. telling woman it's them and hubby has to always get his way. If not it must end in counseling, lol. Admit it, you're are doing it so you don't end up in divorce court losing half your assets. Yes he doesn't complain because you've weighed all the options like many women. [/quote]

I doubt you read the link.

Most men are not good in bed, plain and simple. Women need orgasms. Period. They need them easily and without "a lot of work"... if it is physically hard for a woman... get a vibrator... men need to get over the fact that sometime the vibrator is better. But mostly they need to know orgasms are not optional for women. [/quote]

For me it really isn't the orgasm. That happens every time. For me it really is all about getting in the mood for sex. I almost always initiate because, like the woman in the article, it takes me a couple of hours of thinking about sex to get in the mood. Usually, DH is not part of that, and it's something I do on my own, mostly just thinking about sex, maybe having a glass of wine, etc. Then when I am ready, I will initiate. This is one reason "chore play" works for us. It is hard for me to do this if I am simultaneously scraping spaghetti off the walls, and much easier if I am taking my children for a walk to the playground.
When DH initiates, he is terrible at it. I will fnish putting the kids to bed, clean up the kitchen, maybe pay some online bills, and walk into our room to find him sitting there in his underwear with a candle going. And I feel panicked. I am not in the mood. There is no way I can get in the mood in the short amount of time he will give me (maybe 5-10 minutes). And my not being in the mood will be percieved by him as rejection. So, I can fake it or I can make up an excuse or I can pretend not to notice.
I really like this article because I think it gives me a fourth option...tell my husband that I could use his help and that it may take an hour or two alone together to get there. I don't know how he will take it.