Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH did not strike me as a traditional man, but he never touched my earnings. My money was my money, and his money was our money. As a result, I saved every penny I earned, retired at 40, stayed at home with my kids, and had household help.

We are not living the high life but we are certainly living a very good life. We are on track for retirement and college. My husband treats me like a queen, and helps out with household chores when he can. I am surprised to hear husbands resenting their wives, because my husband is actually grateful that I left my job and stayed home with the kids.

My husband is happy for any family related reason - sports, doctor's appointments, helping the kids buy new sneakers - to take leave and spend time with his children. He would resent me if I forced him into a job with more hours and stress, and much less family time. Why should one spouse have all the family related work, and one spouse have all the paid work? Not good for the parents' relationships with their kids, or for financial stability, or stress.

I totally agree, and not a good dynamic to set up for kids either (Dad brings in the money and Mom's life revolves completely around them, even into their teens).

Anonymous wrote:I find it very telling when some posters write about SAHMs being on the "gravy train".

The reality is that there has to be a gravy train to get on it. If your DH does not make enough money - there is no gravy train to begin with. It is not as if the gravy train opportunity is for everyone. LOL

My husband and I both make over $200,000 but yet we feel SAHPs are a throwback. Stop bragging about your husband's ability to make money - it's not a reflection on you in any way. You just sleep with him.

I'm a SAHM to teens and tweens. I have a few advanced degrees and never thought i'd be in this situation. I always thought "what the hell do these women DO all day long?". I've intended to go back for years. But the truth of the matter is that I don't know where to begin. I've been out of the workforce for 15+ years. It's a completely different world out there. I didn't keep in touch with old colleagues. Also, my children are very active in sports - they all play at least one, up to three travel/select sports, plus high school sports each season. I start driving children around at 4:15pm and conclude around 10pm, every single day. I'm sometimes in my car up to 6 hours a night. I can't imagine doing that after a full day of work. Not to mention all of the things that people who work during the week do on the weekends, I can't do. Dry cleaning, grocery store, hardware store, Target, whatever.... I'm usually at a gym/field/court/etc. And that is sometimes 6am-8pm. Could my kids cut back on activities, sure. But if I'm home, they don't need to.

I think may be some resentment , financially, but I also thing that my husband knows the reality is that our household would be a disaster if I worked. AND he'd have to do a LOT more. I get up at 6am every day to make lunches, walk the dogs, etc. If I was working the same hours he was, we'd be sharing that responsibility. I take the kids to school every day - again, he'd have to pitch in on that. Grocery shopping - yep. Carpool - again, yes. I think he does understand that and appreciates it.

I think it sucks on many levels but it is where we are at right now, and I don't really know how to change it.

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Anonymous wrote:Gift buying? Really?

This is a STANDARDS in the SAH repertoire. Like clicking on a link at Amazon.com is a huge part of day. Well, maybe it is?

Well DH sure as hell isn't going to do it - even on Amazon - or wrap it - or even be aware that a gifting occasion even exists. If I worked full-time, he would not magically start handling this. So why should I do everything I do now, PLUS work, when all DH has to do is work and nothing more? Its better this way - he and I both agree, so good thing you don't need to understand it!

You spend 8 hours a day buying gifts online and consider it equivalent to a work day?

Where did I say that? I'm just not willing to perform 100% of the household tasks and work full-time, while my husband does zero household tasks. I'd have to be insane to agree to that arrangement. He and I are both happy. Why does it bother you so much?

I guess I'm "insane" then because I do about 85% of the household tasks and work full time. It's really not that difficult once you get systems in place.

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Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Your happy with your contributions to the world being cooking, cleaning, and gift buying? Even if you don't need the money...if you're no longer actively raising to the kids don't you feel any need to contribute beyond maintaining your things?

I hate to break it to you but most people out there are working for the paycheck. Sure it brings some satisfaction but the vast majority of people would quit or do something else if they had the financial means. Very few people are out there changing the world. It's subjective whether the contributions of running a household are more or less fulfilling than working for the man.

I work because I believe in what I do. We have over $4 million. I assure you I am not working full time for the money.

Anonymous wrote:My DH did not strike me as a traditional man, but he never touched my earnings. My money was my money, and his money was our money. As a result, I saved every penny I earned, retired at 40, stayed at home with my kids, and had household help.

We are not living the high life but we are certainly living a very good life. We are on track for retirement and college. My husband treats me like a queen, and helps out with household chores when he can. I am surprised to hear husbands resenting their wives, because my husband is actually grateful that I left my job and stayed home with the kids.

My husband is happy for any family related reason - sports, doctor's appointments, helping the kids buy new sneakers - to take leave and spend time with his children. He would resent me if I forced him into a job with more hours and stress, and much less family time. Why should one spouse have all the family related work, and one spouse have all the paid work? Not good for the parents' relationships with their kids, or for financial stability, or stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

I do. Last kid is graduating from high school and I am done. She worked whenever she wanted for 20 years, now its my turn to live where I want and do what I want. If she doesn't like it, she can find another husband. You reap what you sow.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift buying? Really?

This is a STANDARDS in the SAH repertoire. Like clicking on a link at Amazon.com is a huge part of day. Well, maybe it is?

Well DH sure as hell isn't going to do it - even on Amazon - or wrap it - or even be aware that a gifting occasion even exists. If I worked full-time, he would not magically start handling this. So why should I do everything I do now, PLUS work, when all DH has to do is work and nothing more? Its better this way - he and I both agree, so good thing you don't need to understand it!

Because I'm competent, and efficient, I don't mind working 45 hours a week and handling all the gifts. No reason to give up $250K a year.

But the GIFTS! my God, the GIFTS! And who will manage the family calendar?!?!?!?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gift buying? Really?

This is a STANDARDS in the SAH repertoire. Like clicking on a link at Amazon.com is a huge part of day. Well, maybe it is?

Well DH sure as hell isn't going to do it - even on Amazon - or wrap it - or even be aware that a gifting occasion even exists. If I worked full-time, he would not magically start handling this. So why should I do everything I do now, PLUS work, when all DH has to do is work and nothing more? Its better this way - he and I both agree, so good thing you don't need to understand it!

Because I'm competent, and efficient, I don't mind working 45 hours a week and handling all the gifts. No reason to give up $250K a year.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan ahead and do your homework, girls. Don't be like me and get stuck with a loser who can't afford to keep things a float and APPRECIATE a woman playing a traditional role, if that is what you want.

I regret marrying my husband every day. I thought I was marrying for love but I was just being an idiot.

I bet he regrets marrying a leech.

Or it could be a partnership where each spouse contributes different things? Or maybe the husband doesn't solely judge his wife on her job or lack thereof? Is being a sahm anymore of a leech than a child?

A teenager does not need constant, one on one hands on care (barring special needs). What exactly is the SAH spouse "contributing" at that point that equals an income that will benefit everyone?

Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, gift buying/wrapping, home maintenance, etc. At that point its more like a homemaker.

Also, some of us are married to husbands who make so much that the incremental income we'd bring is not needed and would barely be noticed. Its not like we are living on credit card debt or skipping college/retirement savings for me to stay home. Quite the opposite.

Your happy with your contributions to the world being cooking, cleaning, and gift buying? Even if you don't need the money...if you're no longer actively raising to the kids don't you feel any need to contribute beyond maintaining your things?

Yes, its a better "contribution" than working at Loft or as an instructional aide at the local elementary school, or as somebody's admin for $15/hour, which are basically the jobs I am qualified for at this point. Seems a little ridiculous to work for so little when my husband makes $400k/year.

Why did you let your employability deteriorate to the point you're financially dependent on your husband?

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Anonymous wrote:This question is for husbands only with SAHMs who really preferred their wives were working. I'm assuming you were okay with the arrangement before but what changed your mind?

I never changed my mind. My wife just decided to stop working. Then she got pregnant, had a kid, sayed home till school age by plan. Now, she continues to SAH, even though the child is 16.

And does she clean the house, grocery shop, cook dinner, etc. so that you don't have to? Good assistants, chefs, chauffers, maids, and nannies are expensive, you know!

PS Some wives clean, grocery shop, cook dinner, etc. PLUS hold down full time jobs. Shocking, I know. I even have kids still at home who sometimes need to be driven to activities, etc.

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Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be 40 and starting at an entry level position.

You're right. Much harder than sitting home, not contributing your fair share.

It really shouldn't be THAT hard, if you were interested in helping your family, had a career before (you have a shorter curve on learning and understanding the politics in most offices). Not to mention, you have the motivation of having an entry leveL job that won't likely be sucking all your soul and time.

I think being insensitive to the reality that you are 40 doing the jub that most 25 year Olds are working is very hard on your self esteem. You are never going to get somebody on board to working with insensitivity.

Most people think they are "helping" their family by taking the burden off the husband.

I am not advocating for aSAHM to stay at home after kids go to school but thinking it is not a big deal from being a lwyer to a govt secretary, for the benefits, is insensitive$

Most entry level jobs are soul sucking and long hours, it those with connections, experience, etc that have more leave and cush jobs.

Men need to start taking on the household duties to show they are a team instead of acting like this is not a team effort. Get a job, it's not that hard... not a good approach.

Women need to keep their jobs even when they have infants, to force their husbands to do the housework and kid stuff. It doesn't benefit the family if one spouse gives up a good paying job because the other spouse won't do his or her share at home.

So your only way to manipulate your husband into helping you is to thrust your baby into daycare right away?

Sounds like you married poorly. My husband is a great dad and husband - because I married a great man- not someone I need to mother more than I need to mother my babies.