Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find plenty of fault in OP's dilemma, but is it really too much to expect a married man or woman to dress well, stay in shape, and be able to contribute to a conversation in general social setting?

If someone is poorly dressed, socially awkward, and not athletic before you marry them, then yes, it is too much to expect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it started like this with my XH. His sister and SIL were great dating coaches up through the wedding. He was always presentable in a young fed just out of grad school way.
Within days after the honeymoon, I was gently reminding him to iron his pants before going to work. He passed it off as "absent-minded egghead" personality. He had great ideas and couldn't be bothered with trivialities like matching clothes or balancing check books. Then I started noticing other things that were signs something was amiss with his "social self" and emotional health. Eventually, he confessed to mild learning disabilities, anxiety, and depression. We did therapy. He said he was taking his meds. By the time I was midway through a troubled third pregnancy, mild was clearly a gross understatement. He'd been slipping into pretty serious mental illness for years and tipped over the edge.
We divorced.
These days, my youngest sometimes complains about "weird stuff Daddy wore" or I see him at exchange with his hair cut extra goofy and I know that a storm is brewing. Like the time he wanted to move himself and kiddo to S. Korea to teach English although he can barely afford his mortgage here and doesn't have primary custody.

OK, so lack of style = mental illness?

Also, what stands out to me is that although things were troubling and they were in therapy, she was already onto her 3rd pregnancy! I just don't get these women who keep having kids with husbands who clearly have some issue and then they have to break up the family. That to me is troubling and a sign of a mental illness.

I think the women are fine with their guy as they're having and conceiving kids, then at some point the stress and boredom of kids leaves them emotionally distressed. Rather than recognize the change in themselves, they imagine a mental state that has remained relatively consistent then re-write history so that their husband is a problem and has "always" (or almost always) been a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you are only 32 and no kids then maybe this is just a "starter marriage"--how old were you when you started dating and got married. Honestly if you feel this way already then maybe you should cut your losses. its possible you need someone much more alpha or successful. Nothing wrong with being honest about yourself on that.

LOL, starter marriage at 32. Good luck to her getting that much or "alpha" or "successful" man. The tread's already worn off that tire.

Anonymous wrote:I think it's cruel and very selfish to remain married to a man that you don't value and respect - love and adore. How horrible of a person do you have to be to have them living in ignorance of the fact that you dislike so much of who they are? Everyone deserves a true love that adores them despite any flaws - perceived or otherwise - that they may have.

I would absolutely be devastated if my spouse felt this way about me. I would want a divorce immediately - particularly in light of the fact that there are no kids. You can fix clothes and a haircut. You cannot fix what presents itself to be a true resentment of who your spouse is - cornball or not.

I love my husband. He's overweight - but I've become partial to big boys because of him - even in my fantasies. And not just - a mere few pounds - he could stand to lose 50. But I love every damn inch of him and tell him so.

But I'm the cornball - I look presentable - even dress stylishly. But I'm loud, tend to lean toward the inappropriate in my jokes - laugh with my mouth open, I'm forever spilling something on myself. I play my music like a teenager in the car - and I'm over 35. I can never figure out which fork to use, my elbows forever creep on the table, I drop my napkin on the floor repeatedly and my eyes glaze over when people start talking about wine this and that - give me some whiskey neat and I'm good. But he loves every inch of me - and tells me so.

It's not what you've said - the cringe at the moments - but the overall way in which you clearly show that you are not in love but in convenience. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry that he doesn't know that you obviously detest him so much. How selfish that you will not give him the opportunity to find someone that will love him down to his toes - awkward stained shoes and all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The question now is why not let him go and get the husband you want, OP? I think the answer is that what you want is likely just as shallow - and doesn't want you.

The harsh truth.

Anonymous wrote:
If you are only 32 and no kids then maybe this is just a "starter marriage"--how old were you when you started dating and got married. Honestly if you feel this way already then maybe you should cut your losses. its possible you need someone much more alpha or successful. Nothing wrong with being honest about yourself on that.

Anonymous wrote:
Also, what stands out to me is that although things were troubling and they were in therapy, she was already onto her 3rd pregnancy! I just don't get these women who keep having kids with husbands who clearly have some issue and then they have to break up the family. That to me is troubling and a sign of a mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:I feel a little terrible for thinking this way, but it's the truth.
It's just when I see my colleagues with their spouses, my husband seems so basic and unsophisticated. He's embarrassing.
He's a terrible dresser with a bad haircut. I've given up on the hair, but I try to help him put, but even that doesn't help. Tonight I picked out a nice outfit for him to wear to dinner with our friends. What does he do? He some how gets it dirty , and comes back down dressed in a blue shirt and maroon pants. Of course we're running late so there's no time for him to change.
At dinner he orders way too much food, and gets a doggy bag. He doesn't need the extra food he's already too think around the middle. I seriously don't know how he has middle age pudge as he works out and is only 32.
If that wasn't enough I was cringing as he participated in the conversation. He didn't say anything wrong in particular, he was just a little to eager to participate and was stumbling and stuttering over his words, and repeated himself.
I try to focus on his good qualities. He has a steady job and career that he loves, and makes a decent income, but even that is a downside as he could be further than where he is if he were just a little more ambitious.
No, I'm not contemplating an affair, and I want a divorce.
I do wonder what it would be like to have a husband that was more impressive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it started like this with my XH. His sister and SIL were great dating coaches up through the wedding. He was always presentable in a young fed just out of grad school way.
Within days after the honeymoon, I was gently reminding him to iron his pants before going to work. He passed it off as "absent-minded egghead" personality. He had great ideas and couldn't be bothered with trivialities like matching clothes or balancing check books. Then I started noticing other things that were signs something was amiss with his "social self" and emotional health. Eventually, he confessed to mild learning disabilities, anxiety, and depression. We did therapy. He said he was taking his meds. By the time I was midway through a troubled third pregnancy, mild was clearly a gross understatement. He'd been slipping into pretty serious mental illness for years and tipped over the edge.
We divorced.
These days, my youngest sometimes complains about "weird stuff Daddy wore" or I see him at exchange with his hair cut extra goofy and I know that a storm is brewing. Like the time he wanted to move himself and kiddo to S. Korea to teach English although he can barely afford his mortgage here and doesn't have primary custody.

OK, so lack of style = mental illness?

Also, what stands out to me is that although things were troubling and they were in therapy, she was already onto her 3rd pregnancy! I just don't get these women who keep having kids with husbands who clearly have some issue and then they have to break up the family. That to me is troubling and a sign of a mental illness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it started like this with my XH. His sister and SIL were great dating coaches up through the wedding. He was always presentable in a young fed just out of grad school way.
Within days after the honeymoon, I was gently reminding him to iron his pants before going to work. He passed it off as "absent-minded egghead" personality. He had great ideas and couldn't be bothered with trivialities like matching clothes or balancing check books. Then I started noticing other things that were signs something was amiss with his "social self" and emotional health. Eventually, he confessed to mild learning disabilities, anxiety, and depression. We did therapy. He said he was taking his meds. By the time I was midway through a troubled third pregnancy, mild was clearly a gross understatement. He'd been slipping into pretty serious mental illness for years and tipped over the edge.
We divorced.
These days, my youngest sometimes complains about "weird stuff Daddy wore" or I see him at exchange with his hair cut extra goofy and I know that a storm is brewing. Like the time he wanted to move himself and kiddo to S. Korea to teach English although he can barely afford his mortgage here and doesn't have primary custody.

OK, so lack of style = mental illness?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I haven't read the rest of the replies yet. I just wanted to share my perspective on this because I can kind of relate.

For some reason, after I got married (but not before) I started feeling kind of like you do about my husband's appearance. (I didn't feel that way before marriage). I think it was kind of an "oh, fuck, I really just gave up the possibility of going on dates with a well-dressed guy forever didn't I?" feeling.

So for several months in our first year of marriage, I felt a lot like you do. I stared at every unappealing thing I could find: The fact that his shirts always look too long in the arms, the fact that sometimes his shaggy hair can start looking little-boy like, his not perfect posture, his short answers when people ask him questions. I was driving myself crazy.

Then, I decided I had to stop paying attention to these things. And once I stopped allowing myself to dwell on these stupid things, I stopped noticing them. It worked for me, so you might consider giving it a try.

My experience lead me to realize that other people weren't seeing my husband the way I was seeing him when I was hyper-focusing on his appearance and presentation in front of others. They were seeing him the way I saw him before I married him - in a more wholistic way.

I am willing to bet it's similar for yours as well. I hope that helps, and good luck.

I think this is exactly the source of the OPs problem. She thought marriage would give her the ability to shape him and that's turned out not to be the case.

The question now is why not let him go and get the husband you want, OP? I think the answer is that what you want is likely just as shallow - and doesn't want you.