Anonymous wrote:OP, child of first marriage here.

Spousal relationship of second marriage came first, and was very apparent once parent and step-parent had their own child. One by one, my siblings and I were made to feel like outsiders.

None of us "children from Jim's former marriage" have been in the picture for decades.

As a parent, I always wonder how my dad could let this happen to each of us (we are all in different US geographic locations, have different personalities, different timing and reasons of phasing out communications). To this day, still stuns me.

Ugh, PP, I'm sorry for that. I'm a child of a first marriage too and I am lucky that both of my stepparents do their best to consider me their own. (Now that I'm a parent, I think it's unnatural to expect that a stepparent would see a stepchild as their own - it's just not the same). But as much as they have done, I still feel like a bit of an outsider, simply because I wasn't there (due to age difference). It's like going back to visit your old job and they all have these stories that you weren't part of. My own feelings are why I won't have anymore children - I want my kids to have a family that is 100% their own.

OP - this is why children should come first. No one should have to feel like the lesser of the children. A good spouse fulfills their parenting obligations to all their children and anyone who asks them to do less, is disgusting and pathetic.

I do not date men with minor children. Problem solved!

Very simple.

When a child is conceived, unless they make alternate arrangements (such as giving the child up for adoption), the mother and father agree to take responsibility for that child until the child is no longer a minor, in most US jurisdictions, this is 18. If the couple separate or divorce, they still have that responsibility for the child. If either parent finds a new partner, they do so knowing that they still have the responsibility for the child. If someone marries a partner who already has a child from prior to the marriage, they should do so knowing that their partner already has a standing responsibility to a child that does not get discarded just because they are divorced. Second marriages are undertaken with the understanding that there is a prior responsibility that still has to be respected and accounted for. If you don't want a partner with divided responsibilities and want your marriage to be first and foremost, don't marry a partner who has minor children. If you do, you do so accepting that they have the responsibility to put those children before you or your marriage.

The children come first because the parent made that commitment first and can only go into new commitments, such as a new marriage, with that in mind.

Why do stepmothers do this? Are we this insecure as women that we need to compete with kids for male attention? It's just so messed up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding. That is why I did not go. They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl. His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day. Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from. Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay. The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter. So she came first always and my father went right along with it. So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me. They eventually divorced.

So sorry PP

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

Start with the fact that I was told no children were allowed at their wedding. That is why I did not go. They show me the wedding video later on and her two young cousins, who were my age, were the ring barer and flower girl. His wife did not want me at the wedding because I would have taken away some of my father attention from her day. Then once they were married, she wanted to live closer to her home so they moved back to where my Dad is originally from. Then once they had kids, my father would only see me when she said it was okay. The times I did go up, if she wanted to go out or had plans for the two of them, I would get left with a babysitter. So she came first always and my father went right along with it. So that is how my father prioritized his second wife over me. They eventually divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see there's some very bitter people on here.

Kids are not more important per se. In a good situation, everyone would work together to make sure the kids have what they need. That would include step parents.

Too often though, one parent or the other is busy trying to punish their ex, using the kids. Or figuring out how to make the ex pay financially and emotionally.

Step parents can play a very important role in their kids' lives. This whole attitude of "it's none of your business if you're the second wife" is ridiculous.

By the way, what about the new husband? If he's the higher earner in the marriage does he have a say how money is spent? Is he contributing to the kids' upbringing? Or is it only the step mother who is to be punished for the entirety of her marriage?

I have a friend whose step kids could be facing an absolutely devastating change in their lives. Their mother is fighting cancer, and not doing well. It could very well be that they will be living with dad and step mom full time. (Right now it's 50/50). If my friend were to take the attitude that the kids were none of her business, how would this be handled?

Obviously, when the kids are in step parent's home, step parent *does* have a say in what goes on in his/her home. And that's especially true if step parent is stepping up when bio parent can't parent.

Of course. But, guess what? She's also had a say when the requests from bio mom for money were getting over the top. (This was all figured out long before she got sick.) When she simply wasn't buying things like school supplies, or winter coats. Or was dropping the kids off, not on schedule, at a moments notice and not seeing why it was a problem. Weren't they wanted there? Dad and step mom discussed it and came up with an approach together. Now that they approach the problems that come up together things are going much smoother.

Anonymous wrote:I see there's some very bitter people on here.

Kids are not more important per se. In a good situation, everyone would work together to make sure the kids have what they need. That would include step parents.

Too often though, one parent or the other is busy trying to punish their ex, using the kids. Or figuring out how to make the ex pay financially and emotionally.

Step parents can play a very important role in their kids' lives. This whole attitude of "it's none of your business if you're the second wife" is ridiculous.

By the way, what about the new husband? If he's the higher earner in the marriage does he have a say how money is spent? Is he contributing to the kids' upbringing? Or is it only the step mother who is to be punished for the entirety of her marriage?

I have a friend whose step kids could be facing an absolutely devastating change in their lives. Their mother is fighting cancer, and not doing well. It could very well be that they will be living with dad and step mom full time. (Right now it's 50/50). If my friend were to take the attitude that the kids were none of her business, how would this be handled?

Obviously, when the kids are in step parent's home, step parent *does* have a say in what goes on in his/her home. And that's especially true if step parent is stepping up when bio parent can't parent.

Anonymous wrote:I see there's some very bitter people on here.

Kids are not more important per se. In a good situation, everyone would work together to make sure the kids have what they need. That would include step parents.

Too often though, one parent or the other is busy trying to punish their ex, using the kids. Or figuring out how to make the ex pay financially and emotionally.

Step parents can play a very important role in their kids' lives. This whole attitude of "it's none of your business if you're the second wife" is ridiculous.

By the way, what about the new husband? If he's the higher earner in the marriage does he have a say how money is spent? Is he contributing to the kids' upbringing? Or is it only the step mother who is to be punished for the entirety of her marriage?

I have a friend whose step kids could be facing an absolutely devastating change in their lives. Their mother is fighting cancer, and not doing well. It could very well be that they will be living with dad and step mom full time. (Right now it's 50/50). If my friend were to take the attitude that the kids were none of her business, how would this be handled?

I'm one of the PP that said the new wife doesn't get a say and I want to revise that statement. If it has become a contest between kids and new spouse, then I think it up to the parent of the child to put the child first because it's a kid that can't fend for themselves. I'm talking about the situation like the one when they bought a new house and the new wife wanted to reduce the child support by $300. Or the poster that mentioned being "Jim's kids from his former marriage" that have been erased from his new life. If all along the new spouse has the step-kid's best interest in mind and considers them "our kids" then then I do think they have a say and assuming the new wife and dad are on the same page with parenting it is a non-issue. Where I've seen the divide is when the step-mom and dad have different parenting ideas - the kids they share are treated one way and the step kids another and step mom isn't going to fight for step kids the way she would for her own.

I see there's some very bitter people on here.

Kids are not more important per se. In a good situation, everyone would work together to make sure the kids have what they need. That would include step parents.

Too often though, one parent or the other is busy trying to punish their ex, using the kids. Or figuring out how to make the ex pay financially and emotionally.

Step parents can play a very important role in their kids' lives. This whole attitude of "it's none of your business if you're the second wife" is ridiculous.

By the way, what about the new husband? If he's the higher earner in the marriage does he have a say how money is spent? Is he contributing to the kids' upbringing? Or is it only the step mother who is to be punished for the entirety of her marriage?

I have a friend whose step kids could be facing an absolutely devastating change in their lives. Their mother is fighting cancer, and not doing well. It could very well be that they will be living with dad and step mom full time. (Right now it's 50/50). If my friend were to take the attitude that the kids were none of her business, how would this be handled?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

+1 It is laughable to me that I'm still considered DH's new wife when our marriage has lasted three times as long as his first.

It doesn't mean it is a better marriage, it's just that people learn they can't run from their mistakes and they need to tough it out instead of always being a quitter.

It isn't necessarily better just because it's longer. My dad is still married because it would be his 4th divorce and that's embarrassing, and because he is getting old and needs his wife to nurse him as he ages. Super romantic! My mom is still married because she doesn't want to admit the man she left my dad for is a fucked-up loser.

Anonymous wrote:Because they are children. Because they were there first. Because they had no say in their parents divorce. Because what happens to them now colors the rest of their lives. Because they are not adults, they are still learning to manage their emotions and responses. Because adults should already know how to manage their emotions and responses. Because telling a kid that dad's new wife is more important than they are will ruin their relationship with dad.

I wish this came in an instruction manual for every stepkid. Thanks, PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My father prioritized his second wife over me. Now hat he does not have to do any parenting he wants to be in my life. When my Mom passed away, I lost two parents as she was both.

I wish I was made a priority. No better way to screw up your kids up than to put them second to a new wife.

What exactly does prioritizing the new wife over you look like? Presumably the "new wife" has been in his life quite a long time. It's bizarre to me how many of you are so dismissive of the "new wife" when in many situations the marriage has lasted much, much longer than the first.

+1 It is laughable to me that I'm still considered DH's new wife when our marriage has lasted three times as long as his first.

It doesn't mean it is a better marriage, it's just that people learn they can't run from their mistakes and they need to tough it out instead of always being a quitter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH's ex loves to tell their daughter how he put me and our kids over her, and placed her last in his life. When really ex was just mad if he didn't do exactly what she wanted when she wanted. Her idea of coparenting was to dicate everything and if he didn't get on board, then he didn't care about his kid. Nevermind all the great stuff he did do for her and all the years he wanted more time but was refused it.

After the daughter hearing ad nauseum from her Mother all those years, she came to believe it, even though it wasn't true. So all you girls on here talking about your Fathers, maybe you want to take a look at your mom's part in things. Just saying.

That's what my dad tells my stepmom, and she totally believes it. He can do no wrong, so all problems must be blamed on his ex-wife and kids.

Um, or maybe she was there sharing his life with him and saw it all herself?

All of which is irrelevant to Dad's relationship to the kids and to OP from the other thread being vastly immature about the relationship and her role as stepmom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love all the women on this thread who think they should still be able to call all the shots with their ex-husbands after divorce. It doesn't work that way ladies. His new wife calls the shots. You don't get to have your cake and eat it too.

The issue with the money in these blended families is that typically the man is paying for child support, alimony, and health care, not to mention extras. And because it's NEVER enough for the first wife, they always ask for more.

But child support factors in the new wife's money too. Which is the ultimate burn: when you can't make any decisions but still have to fork over the money.

Don't marry a divorced guy.

This is an old post, but child support is based solely on the non custodial parents income. New wife DOES NOT pay out of her income. Support does not get raised when the noncustodial parent remarries.