Restricting the mom just isn't realistic if you're expecting the kids to enforce it. She's psycho and she ignores everyone who tells her not to come in. So why would she listen to the kids? It's unfair to put them in that position. She would probably punish them.

OP, what is your plan, realistically? Put in a bunch of cameras and catch her doing something really awful, and then what? Threaten to sue?

Anonymous wrote:These are not young kids. They can understand that hey, it's not mom's house anymore. She doesn't get to wander at will. It's about respecting boundaries. It's THEIR home, not her home. There is no reason for her to "hang out" there if her ex-husband doesn't want her to.

Teenagers are also old enough to either take what they need with them or do without.

Exactly! And you would be restricting their mom from coming into THEIR home. It is an easy call for some of you because you have not lived it. It is not so easy when you expereince the fallout from it.

Anonymous wrote:These are not young kids. They can understand that hey, it's not mom's house anymore. She doesn't get to wander at will. It's about respecting boundaries. It's THEIR home, not her home. There is no reason for her to "hang out" there if her ex-husband doesn't want her to.

Teenagers are also old enough to either take what they need with them or do without.

Ok. But would you feel that OP has won if the kids decide to spend less time with DH because of it?

Anonymous wrote:OP here = really appreciate all the comments. This has all given me lots to think about. I certainly want a relationship with these kids and not have DH in the middle. One thing that gives me pause here is the slippery slope. At what point does my right to privacy and feeling comfortable in my own home trump the exes and the kids right to the status quo. We all come with baggage and I love my husband and these kids but at some point I see myself being so accommodating that she's around ALL the time (she doesn't work) and me being miserable. Is there a balance here? I can't expect her to be the reasonable one. She has and would sit on our couch every afternoon we have the kids if there was not some boundary established.

OP, what do you want? You've had plenty of validation that she is in the wrong. Are you asking for permission to ban the kids from your house when it's not their day to be there? Clearly some people are harsh enough to do that (I think it would be cruel), but as others have pointed out, that may have consequences that you do not want.

There is no "balance" that everyone can agree on-- and even if there were, how are you planning to get from here to there?

OP here = really appreciate all the comments. This has all given me lots to think about. I certainly want a relationship with these kids and not have DH in the middle. One thing that gives me pause here is the slippery slope. At what point does my right to privacy and feeling comfortable in my own home trump the exes and the kids right to the status quo. We all come with baggage and I love my husband and these kids but at some point I see myself being so accommodating that she's around ALL the time (she doesn't work) and me being miserable. Is there a balance here? I can't expect her to be the reasonable one. She has and would sit on our couch every afternoon we have the kids if there was not some boundary established.

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line, OP, you may be in the right but if you do anything to make life more difficult for the kids, they will resent it and you will never have a close relationship with them. And it will likely affect their relationship with their dad as well.

You've finally admitted you knew she was psycho. So it's on you to deal with it. Don't make this the kids' problem too.

I completely agree. You have a legitimate gripe and there's no real reason for the mom to be hanging out at the house. Stepping inside for a few minutes, maybe.

But it's not all bad news. I'm willing to bet that you taking the high road and not mentioning the issue anymore will drive her nuts. If she's not getting a reaction from you, the appeal of going into your house might be lost. But if it were me, I'd still put a camera or two around so I'd at least know if she was taking things. If you catch her on camera, then you have a reason to forbid her and can share that reason at least with the older kids.

These are not young kids. They can understand that hey, it's not mom's house anymore. She doesn't get to wander at will. It's about respecting boundaries. It's THEIR home, not her home. There is no reason for her to "hang out" there if her ex-husband doesn't want her to.

Teenagers are also old enough to either take what they need with them or do without.

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line, OP, you may be in the right but if you do anything to make life more difficult for the kids, they will resent it and you will never have a close relationship with them. And it will likely affect their relationship with their dad as well.

You've finally admitted you knew she was psycho. So it's on you to deal with it. Don't make this the kids' problem too.

This is exactly right and I alluded to this a couple of pages ago. You can win the battle but lose the war. The mom was doing this before OP moved in. So now OP wants to change the status quo. It was DH's fault for allowing the mom to come and go then and it would be OP's fault for changing the game. In the kids' minds, their mom has always been allowed in the house. Now because stepmom moved in, she is not. Only one thing has changed and that is stepmom moving in. Kids tend to see things black and white on issues like this - one parent will be right and one parent (step) will be wrong.

TBH, I just get the sense that OP really does not care all that much about the cons of forbidding access. And a lot of folks here are co-signing this. As a stepmom AND a stepchild, it comes down to 2 threshold questions for me. Is a stepmom willing to risk damage to her and her DH's relationship with the kids to get her way and is getting your way really worth it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not saying her DH doesn't care. She said she and DH have talked with her about it and SHE doesn't care. Obviously he doesn't want her in his house, either, and she is simply choosing to ignore that she makes other people uncomfortable.

He isn't much of a man. If I didn't want someone in my house, I guarantee you I would prevent it. I would do whatever it took. Period.

See...this is NOT helpful. So what are going to do? Throw the parent of your teen children out on her ass?

I wonder how many people dispensing this crackerjack advice actually are part of a step family. Of course her DH is a man. He is considering and protecting HIS kids' feelings in all of this. That IS manly. He could lash out against his ex but I bet you dollars to doughnuts, that is exactly what she wants. Diplomacy is the key here, not "I would do whatever it took." This is your stepkids' mom for goodness sake.

She'd be too fucking scared to set foot across my doorstep.

And the kids would know better than to admit her in the first place.

He's a pussy. A man who won't defend his own house won't defend anything.

Yea, that would really solve the problem.

Anonymous wrote:How old are the kids? It is awful she uses them to gain access to your house.

Get a wireless security camera and start recording her. Send her a certified letter she is not allowed in your home. I would report her to the police for unlawful entry if she tries to enter again.

All this is fine and good except a resident of the house lets her in. Her entry while unwelcome is not exactly unlawful.

Bottom line, OP, you may be in the right but if you do anything to make life more difficult for the kids, they will resent it and you will never have a close relationship with them. And it will likely affect their relationship with their dad as well.

You've finally admitted you knew she was psycho. So it's on you to deal with it. Don't make this the kids' problem too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think at the very least, you need to get a lock on your bedroom door & keep a safe in there, that the kids & mom don't have access to at all when you're not there.

More ideally, I would have your husband be honest and direct with his ex-wife, that due to prior behavior and things going missing, it's just not feasible to continue unsupervised access to the home. Then, talk to the kids and explain that they need to pack thoroughly and coming back to get things won't be an option - what they forget, they will do without. Changes the locks, install a security system, and have it running when the kids aren't supposed to be in your home. Let the alarm go off on them, let them call you in a panic. It won't happen again.

I would avoid lawyers and all that, given that it would escalate unnecessarily.

That is extremely unreasonable and hard on the kids. Try living in two houses-- I bet you'll forget things sometimes. And it's not just forgetting, it's unanticipated needs. What if something in their schedule changes due to circumstances out of their control? Like what if their soccer game is rescheduled due to weather, so they need their cleats unexpectedly. You are essentially banning the kids from their own house. They will resent all their parents and stepmother for letting it come to this, but especially the stepmother for forcing the issue, and as PPs have said, it will likely push them closer to their mother.

The unforeseen changes can be accommodated with a call to dad telling him know to disable to the alarm because you need your cleats. That should be the exception, not the norm. From what OP describes, these kids have "forgotten" something just about everytime they're with mom. They are teenagers and should be able to pack for themselves for a day or two. If they really are so incapable, then sure, help them think through what to pack and help them do it. I didn't have a SAHM or a personal driver available at will to take me back home everytime I forget something for an afterschool activity. None of the divorce friends I knew had to run back to the other house on days they were one parent. This is not normal. Perhaps the mom is egging the kids on, telling them they "forgot" something so let's go hang at dad's house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the children aren't allowed to have guests in their home?

If the mom is hanging out there when you and your DH are at work, I don't see why this is a big deal. The kids are spending time with their mother. I don't see why this is an issue if you're not even there.

Because it's super weird for the mom to be hanging out with the kids at her ex's house when he isn't there! Why doesn't she hang out with the kids at her own house?? The kids are all teenagers, they don't need constant babysitting. I can understand once in a blue moon if she is dropping off the kids and was planning to meet her ex to discuss something and she waited for him to get home. But there is really no reason for this hanging out to happen where she is clearly not wanted.

This.

Why would the mom NEED to go into the house for a teenager to grab a math book? Should take the teenager a couple minutes to grab and go. She can wait in the car.
Also, kids need to be taught that if the forget things, they do without.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again = kids have not been left out of consideration. Have never said a word to them about their mom. She has been known to snoop. Before I moved in, my husband has told me about things "missing" including tax returns (his not theirs) and items left by a prior girlfriend. There is a history here. This is not somebody I would be friends with (i.e., has a disabled parking sticker and not disabled).

So you did know! Sorry, OP, but it was your choice to marry a man with a psycho ex, and now you're stuck with it. Don't push that problem onto the kids-- they have enough to deal with, and they'll make you regret it.