Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If you really insist on going, pack up your own cooler of food, go to there house and eat. If they ask why you did that just say "because as you pointed out, there is nothing left here for us to eat" And continue eating.

OP here. Do you know how many times per week I must say this, at least to myself, if not to my husband? He has some traits of his moms that are definitely insane (not using it by slang, using it literally). Enough that I am concerned for him; not for his safety, but definitely for his well being. Now it is affecting us. This "holiday tradition" is a perfect example. He is agreeing to say something to her. Please, hope it works.

I also like the idea of putting our coats on and going out for food if there is none left. THIS is the type of thing she needs. If she isn't publicly embarrassed, and is able to turn it on us, she feels she has won. This is how she operates. She is extremely underhanded and sneaky, and extremely concerned with appearances. More than I can emphasize. Thank you so much for the productive suggestions! I am finally starting to look forward to Christmas again, after all these years.

Anonymous wrote:The old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

If you really insist on going, pack up your own cooler of food, go to there house and eat. If they ask why you did that just say "because as you pointed out, there is nothing left here for us to eat" And continue eating.

Anonymous wrote:Show up 2 hours before the designated time she told you. Problem solved. If she asks why you're early then act confused and say it's the time she told you. Even show it to you on the calendar on your phone.

It seems like you enjoy drama a little bit. If you can't change another person then change the way you react to that person.

Anonymous wrote:So what does she say when you ask her why everyone already ate?

Anonymous wrote:... also after bringing your own dinner for a few times, it will come out that they did not really want you there in the first place, and didn't you get the hint when they ate without you?

Anonymous wrote:OK I have crazy relatives also. MIL hates food and eating and will fix a little tiny plate of salad and some chicken slices. About what you would give a 3 year old. We are hungry, we are celebrating -- we either eat before we go, or we bring our own. But we do not rely on her. I know it seems like if you are asked over for a meal, you should get one, but crazy is crazy -- so we eat first.

Anonymous wrote:OK--one more thing, if you bring a giant lasagne (or a ham or other food) you will not be a "hero" as the other poster has suggested, but you will probably be the person who is "destroying tradition." I would bring the food anyhow, because it is the common-sense thing for you to do, but do it so you can eat, not to "be a hero." No one there will care, since you are being told to get there after they eat anyhow.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The family very much has an "every man for himself" mentality. This is an understatement. I have never seen anything like it, so understandably, I am at a loss for the next "adventure". It is a little overwhelming. And underwhelming, at the same time. I suppose I procrastinate to not deal with it, sometimes.

Perhaps I am a little at a loss for words or actions because it is hard to believe DH came from such a family. Perhaps I am in denial.

The mentality carries over, and is most evident at the dinner table. As PP mentioned, but could not believe herself, the food is in fact gone in under five minutes. There is never enough food, ever. It is just a way of life for them that they have accepted. Again, I have never seen this before (I saw his family), and it took me a number of years to make sure it was not some odd "coincidence". Many years later, it most certainly is not. It is just the way they live. Which is exactly the opposite of what I, and I reasonably presume, most people, are accustomed to. It is rather primitive behavior. Jabs at every turn, not just with food. But that is another post.

As for sticking up for myself, ITA. I do not speak up to these people often, I choose my battles. They are the least considerate people I have ever met - yet I am the bad guy for pointing it out. "How dare *I* speak up, DH would never do that "to" us." Funny. Classic mind games. I don't have a lot of time for that, frankly. So when Christmas comes around, I remember that it is not going to be all that great, if I let it be so. This year, I decided to ask for a different approach than "playing nice". As clearly, that gets me nowhere with people like this.

I am desperate for a resolution to this, as it involves my DC. Thank you to those who have been helpful. Maybe if I understood it better, I could explain it better. It is baffling to be immersed in it. Maybe I need another degree, this time in psych!