Anonymous
07/10/2014 18:58
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As far as I'm concerned, a "low drive spouse" is a FAULT in a divorce.
I'd say a "Low drive spouse not willing to try and increase their drive" is a fault.
Yes, that's a fair fix to the statement.
Sigh. That's why I studied acting in college. I'm just hanging out, waiting for my husband to die, so I never have to suck another dick, ever again.
What a sad existence.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 18:18
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:
Wanting more sex isn't childish. The attitudes on this board about the problem are EXTREMELY childish, though.
What exactly is childish?
Anonymous
07/10/2014 18:13
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:As far as I'm concerned, a "low drive spouse" is a FAULT in a divorce.
I'd say a "Low drive spouse not willing to try and increase their drive" is a fault.
Yes, that's a fair fix to the statement.
Sigh. That's why I studied acting in college. I'm just hanging out, waiting for my husband to die, so I never have to suck another dick, ever again.
What a sad existence.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 17:58
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I agree that leaving is the *only* option for those that want a happy sex life.
Or having an affair. I'm not giving H half of the money and disrupting the rest of my life because of sex. Sex can stay in its own little compartment. I'm sure once I'm 55 or 60 I won't even care as much about it, and I'll be glad I stayed married.
If my spouse were low drive, I'd have an affair and not lose a wink of sleep over it. Luckily we are well matched so we are both meeting each others physical needs. If I decided I was no longer attracted to him, I'd expect him to screw someone else.
Very interesting info on Sex. I liked this one:
•A study of married couples found age and marital satisfaction to be the two variables most associated with amount of sex. As couples age, they engage in sex less frequently with half of couples age 65-75 still engaging in sex, but less than one fourth of couples over 75 still sexually active. Across all ages couples who reported higher levels of marital satisfaction also reported higher frequencies of sex.
http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html
Anonymous
07/10/2014 17:54
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
And*
Anonymous
07/10/2014 17:51
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
One can have passionate sex socially beneficial past times. One does not preclude the other. I say this from experience.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 17:09
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You don't deserve to have your "emotional needs" respected because you don't have respect for your partner. Being required to have sex when you don't want to because the other partner is having an emotional meltdown about it and is throwing a temper tantrum isn't respectful of your low drive partner's needs.
If you can't come to compromise, then you are better off divorced and so is your partner.
As for me, I've been married 23 years in a marriage that ended up with very mismatched sex drives after the kids got here. We compromised and found a way to keep it together, with everyone putting in an effort to make it work.
Compromise means the low drive partner making effort to have sex more frequently while the high drive partner accepts less frequent encounters.
Your other posts indicate you see "compromise" as the high drive partner accepting the status quo
The thing that low drive spouses don't seem to fully grasp is that it's not just about quantity, it's about quality. My H can perform physically, but I can tell he's not into it. I can give myself physical pleasure (in less time, to boot!). I want a partner who desires me and not just the sex. Tries new things. Enjoys the whole experience. That qualitative difference is hard to compromise on when one person just wants it to be over so he can watch TV or go to sleep.
Yes. This. x1000.
The low drive spouse believes the high drive spouse should be grateful. Grateful for what? The "ok, I guess it's time to have sex now" romp?
Is that low drive spouse going to go all out and tease and play and lick and suck? Very fucking unlikely. Who wants that? "Duty intercourse." Fuck that.
Here's the crux of it. You are asking for something that the low drive spouse can't deliver. You can accept that or leave, but complaining at the low drive spouse about it isn't going to change the fact that they're not into it. The conflict just makes it worse.
It's not that simple. Sometimes once you've been "out of the game" for a while, your drive drops. But it will usually increase if you just increase the frequency a bit.
Also, a sudden drop in drive may indicate a health issue, which can be treated.
A lot of times, the low drive person gets annoyed because they don't like to feel obligated or like an object. Again, I think this can be resolved if both parties just agree to meet in the middle.
I don't disagree with you, but you aren't going to get anywhere saying this to the high drive people here. They're so sure they're right that they have zero patience for anyone else.
Wanting more sex isn't childish. The attitudes on this board about the problem are EXTREMELY childish, though.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 17:06
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Saying so doesn't make it so.
I'd say that a high drive spouse who is obsessed with sucking and fucking like he/she is 20, when he/she is really 40, is a pervert and a freak who should be engaged in more productive adult past times. That doesn't make it so, though.
Pissing away your marriage with all of the financial issues and kid issues involved is not the best idea. Doing it because you are trying to recapture the sex life you had in your 20s is folly.
That's just the thing, I didn't have sex when I was 20. I got married at 27, very inexperienced. Now, at almost 40, I do not think I can live with only vanilla sex for the rest of my marriage. There's so much more out there that I never even knew existed. And what is a more productive adult pastime? I'd rather have sex than watch TV, surf the 'net or drink. Is that wrong?
If that's your definition of "productive," then you are not just wrong, you're socially retarded. No wonder you didn't have sex until you were 27.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 17:03
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
I could accept the idea that my low drive spouse was simply incapable of feeling and delivering passion and showing that she desired me -- which is what I want out of sex. I'd weigh that against all of the positive things in my life because I'm married to her. And, I'm a pretty loyal guy. The rest of the stuff would have to be pretty bad before the lack of good sex would push me over the edge to leave her.
But, if she started copping an attitude about how the desire for good sex was somehow childish or immature, I'd be much quicker to show her the door. Because that tells me her failure to meet a basic need I have from the marriage is less a matter of "can't" and much more a matter of "don't wanna." Which is entirely different.
But, if she started copping an attitude about how the desire for good sex was somehow childish or immature, I'd be much quicker to show her the door. Because that tells me her failure to meet a basic need I have from the marriage is less a matter of "can't" and much more a matter of "don't wanna." Which is entirely different.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 16:44
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:
That's just the thing, I didn't have sex when I was 20. I got married at 27, very inexperienced. Now, at almost 40, I do not think I can live with only vanilla sex for the rest of my marriage. There's so much more out there that I never even knew existed. And what is a more productive adult pastime? I'd rather have sex than watch TV, surf the 'net or drink. Is that wrong?
Will you marry me?
Anonymous
07/10/2014 16:41
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Saying so doesn't make it so.
I'd say that a high drive spouse who is obsessed with sucking and fucking like he/she is 20, when he/she is really 40, is a pervert and a freak who should be engaged in more productive adult past times. That doesn't make it so, though.
Pissing away your marriage with all of the financial issues and kid issues involved is not the best idea. Doing it because you are trying to recapture the sex life you had in your 20s is folly.
That's just the thing, I didn't have sex when I was 20. I got married at 27, very inexperienced. Now, at almost 40, I do not think I can live with only vanilla sex for the rest of my marriage. There's so much more out there that I never even knew existed. And what is a more productive adult pastime? I'd rather have sex than watch TV, surf the 'net or drink. Is that wrong?
Anonymous
07/10/2014 16:39
Subject: H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:I agree that leaving is the *only* option for those that want a happy sex life.
Or having an affair. I'm not giving H half of the money and disrupting the rest of my life because of sex. Sex can stay in its own little compartment. I'm sure once I'm 55 or 60 I won't even care as much about it, and I'll be glad I stayed married.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 16:37
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You don't deserve to have your "emotional needs" respected because you don't have respect for your partner. Being required to have sex when you don't want to because the other partner is having an emotional meltdown about it and is throwing a temper tantrum isn't respectful of your low drive partner's needs.
If you can't come to compromise, then you are better off divorced and so is your partner.
As for me, I've been married 23 years in a marriage that ended up with very mismatched sex drives after the kids got here. We compromised and found a way to keep it together, with everyone putting in an effort to make it work.
Compromise means the low drive partner making effort to have sex more frequently while the high drive partner accepts less frequent encounters.
Your other posts indicate you see "compromise" as the high drive partner accepting the status quo
The thing that low drive spouses don't seem to fully grasp is that it's not just about quantity, it's about quality. My H can perform physically, but I can tell he's not into it. I can give myself physical pleasure (in less time, to boot!). I want a partner who desires me and not just the sex. Tries new things. Enjoys the whole experience. That qualitative difference is hard to compromise on when one person just wants it to be over so he can watch TV or go to sleep.
Yes. This. x1000.
The low drive spouse believes the high drive spouse should be grateful. Grateful for what? The "ok, I guess it's time to have sex now" romp?
Is that low drive spouse going to go all out and tease and play and lick and suck? Very fucking unlikely. Who wants that? "Duty intercourse." Fuck that.
Here's the crux of it. You are asking for something that the low drive spouse can't deliver. You can accept that or leave, but complaining at the low drive spouse about it isn't going to change the fact that they're not into it. The conflict just makes it worse.
Oh, I agree. That's why I have duty sex with my H three times a month or so - I never say no, and even still initiate every once in a while - but I have passionate sex elsewhere.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 16:32
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
You don't deserve to have your "emotional needs" respected because you don't have respect for your partner. Being required to have sex when you don't want to because the other partner is having an emotional meltdown about it and is throwing a temper tantrum isn't respectful of your low drive partner's needs.
If you can't come to compromise, then you are better off divorced and so is your partner.
As for me, I've been married 23 years in a marriage that ended up with very mismatched sex drives after the kids got here. We compromised and found a way to keep it together, with everyone putting in an effort to make it work.
Compromise means the low drive partner making effort to have sex more frequently while the high drive partner accepts less frequent encounters.
Your other posts indicate you see "compromise" as the high drive partner accepting the status quo
The thing that low drive spouses don't seem to fully grasp is that it's not just about quantity, it's about quality. My H can perform physically, but I can tell he's not into it. I can give myself physical pleasure (in less time, to boot!). I want a partner who desires me and not just the sex. Tries new things. Enjoys the whole experience. That qualitative difference is hard to compromise on when one person just wants it to be over so he can watch TV or go to sleep.
Yes. This. x1000.
The low drive spouse believes the high drive spouse should be grateful. Grateful for what? The "ok, I guess it's time to have sex now" romp?
Is that low drive spouse going to go all out and tease and play and lick and suck? Very fucking unlikely. Who wants that? "Duty intercourse." Fuck that.
Here's the crux of it. You are asking for something that the low drive spouse can't deliver. You can accept that or leave, but complaining at the low drive spouse about it isn't going to change the fact that they're not into it. The conflict just makes it worse.
It's not that simple. Sometimes once you've been "out of the game" for a while, your drive drops. But it will usually increase if you just increase the frequency a bit.
Also, a sudden drop in drive may indicate a health issue, which can be treated.
A lot of times, the low drive person gets annoyed because they don't like to feel obligated or like an object. Again, I think this can be resolved if both parties just agree to meet in the middle.
Anonymous
07/10/2014 16:23
Subject: Re:H is not happy with sex only once a week
Anonymous wrote:Saying so doesn't make it so.
I'd say that a high drive spouse who is obsessed with sucking and fucking like he/she is 20, when he/she is really 40, is a pervert and a freak who should be engaged in more productive adult past times. That doesn't make it so, though.
Pissing away your marriage with all of the financial issues and kid issues involved is not the best idea. Doing it because you are trying to recapture the sex life you had in your 20s is folly.
And anyone who downplays sex because they're 40+ is an uptight ass.