PP, why would you be a whore with OM but not the father of your children?

DH, however, has been very (I think unfairly) strict with me. He told me to get an apartment on my own, find a job (I was a SAHM who had been out of the workforce for a good 12 years. I am now working a job with a non-profit that is low paid - $20 - $30K - even though I have an Ivy education) and to seek individual therapy before we do family therapy. He says he wants to know all the sexual details of my relationship with OM and that I should be willing to do with DH anything I did with OM and that he may want to explore having an open relationship.

The first part doesn't sound unreasonable. I would be unwilling to do the bolded myself, and so would just agree to get a divorce instead.

Just cannot imagine a good reason she would do something with another man and not with her husband. Why would that be, and is it reasonable to expect him to want her if that is the case?

Maybe he wants an inventory of the acts so he can do them with someone else and then feel even. Perhaps not ideal, but understandable.

Well that would depend wouldn't it? If her husband wants her to do all these things with him now as a condition of moving forward with rebuilding the marriage, that's one thing. But it's also possible that he wants to do this as a way of taking sexual revenge against her, then dumping her. Here, dirty whore, now I've had you in every way you'd let yourself be had by other people, I've taken what should have been mine from the get-go, and now I can toss you off without a second thought. It's a closure, of sorts. I mean, it can be. I am curious how come I'm the only one who sees this as a possibility. Then it's a means of sexual humiliation, and OP might do well to decline.

Well, the compromise would be to not actually do those sex things with people outside your marriage. But that ship has sailed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's free to not do the same sexual acts with her husband. He's free to leave the marriage. Easy. And that's not rape. That's coercion.

I'm not sure I could remain in a marriage with a woman who was more open sexually with another man than she is with me.

I fixed that for you.

Then by your standards, making sexual fidelity a condition of marriage is also coercion. All of life is coercion. Marriage is a sexual relationship. If one partner doesn't want to have the kind of sex the other one wants, the other partner has two honorable choices: 1) Do without that kind of sex or 2) end the marriage.

It's easy to do without a certain kind of sex if your wife just won't do them at all. It's much harder to do without certain kinds of sex if your wife will do them with other people, just not with you.

Ever hear of compromise? Ultimatums don't work on many people.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's free to not do the same sexual acts with her husband. He's free to leave the marriage. Easy. And that's not rape. That's coercion.

I'm not sure I could remain in a marriage with a woman who was more open sexually with another man than she is with me.

I fixed that for you.

Then by your standards, making sexual fidelity a condition of marriage is also coercion. All of life is coercion. Marriage is a sexual relationship. If one partner doesn't want to have the kind of sex the other one wants, the other partner has two honorable choices: 1) Do without that kind of sex or 2) end the marriage.

It's easy to do without a certain kind of sex if your wife just won't do them at all. It's much harder to do without certain kinds of sex if your wife will do them with other people, just not with you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of the posters here find it "implausible" that DW would not do things with her DH that she did with OM? I am a DW would did have an affair while my DH was on assignment outside the U.S. for a year - a woman has needs you know - and I let me lover have me every which way he could. I hadn't behaved like such a dirty little whore since college. Now, I would never ever think of letting my DH "take me from behind" for example. He is too much of a prude for that - pretty much vanilla sex guy. Anyway, that affair was 10 years ago, we are still married. I just keep my mouth shut!

And here is *another* admission by a woman that she will do things with the OM that she will not do with the husband. Amazing how many women on here will claim that's not true and how many idiotic men believe their wives really wouldn't do all those things they hate to do with another man. STUPID.

So? Men with the Madonna Complex do the same thing. Its all the same.

Also, maybe the DH is a beta and being sexual and dirty with him just isn't natural. I say that as someone who accidentally married a beta, which thankfully ended in divorce prior to kids. With my fortunate second chance I married an Alpha who is a natural beast in bed. My ex could have never had the presence that my husband has...its just not in him and as a result, the ex is marriage material, but not so great at dirty passionate sex.

I feel bad for people a few kids in who one day wake up to the fact that they are sexually incompatible for the long run and there's nothing that can be done.

Anonymous wrote:Some of the posters here find it "implausible" that DW would not do things with her DH that she did with OM? I am a DW would did have an affair while my DH was on assignment outside the U.S. for a year - a woman has needs you know - and I let me lover have me every which way he could. I hadn't behaved like such a dirty little whore since college. Now, I would never ever think of letting my DH "take me from behind" for example. He is too much of a prude for that - pretty much vanilla sex guy. Anyway, that affair was 10 years ago, we are still married. I just keep my mouth shut!

And here is *another* admission by a woman that she will do things with the OM that she will not do with the husband. Amazing how many women on here will claim that's not true and how many idiotic men believe their wives really wouldn't do all those things they hate to do with another man. STUPID.

Anonymous wrote:She's free to not do the same sexual acts with her husband. He's free to leave the marriage. Easy. And that's not rape. That's coercion.

I'm not sure I could remain in a marriage with a woman who was more open sexually with another man than she is with me.

I fixed that for you.

If OP is willing to perform sexual acts with another man that she is not willing to do with her husband and actually does do so, then she has no basis for objecting to her husband wanting and filing for divorce.

Because the whole basis of rebuilding a marriage that includes a family with two children is sex. Gotchya.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no issue with the OP's husband wanting details. What I have a problem with is him demanding that she then do all those things with him, or no chance of reconciliation. To me, that is painfully close to the idea that a wife must do anything sexually that her husband requires, whether she wants to or not. Obviously they will need at some point to resume intimacy, but recreating the sexual acts she did with Gym Guy is too creepy and coercive for me to consider it a rational or acceptable requirement.

Details, yes. Requirement to perform those acts or else, no.

Really what could the sexual acts be: blow job, anal, oral, various positions. Not too difficult for the husband to engage in these acts with her and he will likely cover about 99% of what she and OM could come up with.

But OP said she doesn't want to with DH...

If OP is willing to perform sexual acts with another man that she is not willing to do with her husband and actually does do so, then she has no basis for objecting to her husband wanting and filing for divorce. And she gives him absolutely no reason to go to joint marriage counseling to save a marriage that she has already ended. You are all correct, she does not have to accede to his requests/demands but then she should just accept the fact that her new life is her life, that she was the one who destroyed her marriage and that until she is willing to show some remorse or make some recompense to her family that they will rightfully hate her for the dishonest betrayal of their family. She made her bed, now she'll have to lie in it (yes, pun intended).

Why not?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no issue with the OP's husband wanting details. What I have a problem with is him demanding that she then do all those things with him, or no chance of reconciliation. To me, that is painfully close to the idea that a wife must do anything sexually that her husband requires, whether she wants to or not. Obviously they will need at some point to resume intimacy, but recreating the sexual acts she did with Gym Guy is too creepy and coercive for me to consider it a rational or acceptable requirement.

Details, yes. Requirement to perform those acts or else, no.

Really what could the sexual acts be: blow job, anal, oral, various positions. Not too difficult for the husband to engage in these acts with her and he will likely cover about 99% of what she and OM could come up with.

But OP said she doesn't want to with DH...

Anonymous wrote:I have no issue with the OP's husband wanting details. What I have a problem with is him demanding that she then do all those things with him, or no chance of reconciliation. To me, that is painfully close to the idea that a wife must do anything sexually that her husband requires, whether she wants to or not. Obviously they will need at some point to resume intimacy, but recreating the sexual acts she did with Gym Guy is too creepy and coercive for me to consider it a rational or acceptable requirement.

Details, yes. Requirement to perform those acts or else, no.

Really what could the sexual acts be: blow job, anal, oral, various positions. Not too difficult for the husband to engage in these acts with her and he will likely cover about 99% of what she and OM could come up with.