Anonymous wrote:Considerably, but not for a negative reason. I'm one of the younger in my generation in my family so I have watched siblings and cousins join families that were nightmares. Then I have a couple who got married and the two families get along and can spend time together and it has alleviated a lot of holiday stress. I decided my goal was to marry someone who's family I felt I could be a part of and that I could invite into my family as well.

This was my goal. I vetted the family. I loved them. Still do. But the claws came out after we were married, and it gave me major anxiety. On top of that, inexplicably, things got messy on my family side as well, infighting and just bad behavior that made me hesitant to combine them with my in-laws. Oh well. I guess life always have a suprise in store for us.

But just to say, its not as predictable as we might like.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

+1. I didn't think about them at all. Knew he had parents but somehow they didn't matter. If I was reliving my life again I would be looking much more closely at the family

+2. It's not that I don't like them. I do. But, there are some things that really are problems. And, these were not apparent, or I didn't pay enough attention to them, before marriage. I think everyone -including me- was on their best behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I didn't think about it as much as I should have.

So true! I came from an unstable family so I thought everyone else had a better family life than me. My dh's parents were still together and he was close to his siblings. What I did not realize until we were married was how much alcohol ruled his family. His parents always drunk and wanting to take care of grandkids when drunk. This caused a lot of issues between us. His family is actually more dysfunctional than mine and it has caused me a lot of pain.

Actually, my ex's nice family kind of fooled me into assuming that he was a good person too. His family shows hard work and middle class values. His mom and brother anyway love kids. His Dad was less enthusiastic about kids....

After I married him (when he had a decent job), my ex turned out to be a n'er do well. Chronically under employed, broke, and an uninterested father. Add his adultery to the mix, and you have a recipe for divorce.

We've been married now for 5 years, no kids. Why the hell didn't we just live together instead?? Then I could have had 5 glorious years of holidays with my own family and no forced family vacations. It was shortsighted! And we're extremely happily married, but man I wish I was single when holidays roll around.

Anonymous wrote:When you got married, how much did you really think about marrying into your spouse's family?

Not enough.

DH was my first boyfriend whose parents I wasn't instantly "in love" with. His brother is great... I am not too fond of my SIL (but then she wasn't yet in the picture when DH and I got married)... my FIL was a great guy but unfortunately died 10 years ago. My MIL? Is a manipulative monster who is constantly wallowing in self-pitty because she obviously is the only person in the whole wide world who has ever lost a loved one.

MIL has recently started to play her sons off against each other - she is making a donation inter vivos and is gifting my BIL/SIL her house (which does make sense and we totally agree to and think it's an amazing idea... especially because after they have remodeled she will move in with them and if they want her around 24/7 for the next 20 to 25 years? they can have the house for that!) BUT will only do that if we (or rather DH, because obviously this has nothing to do with me) at the same time accept that she signs over an apartment that her and FIL bought 15 years ago (mostly for tax purposes) which is not paid off yet to DH. So while BIL receives a six bedroom, three bathroom home (for the price of being stuck with her until she dies) DH will receive a 2 bedroom aparment with a $70,000 mortgage (and a clause that he can't sell until she is dead). Yeah... no. She can keep it. I don't want it. I don't even care if BIL receives it when she dies. I don't mind. We have nothing now, if we never get it we will still have nothing. But who "gifts" their son a $70,000 debt and expects them to accept it? Oh right. MIL. Because "emotionally" both properties have the same sentimental value to her.

But of course I am already in trouble for not sending a thank you card for the potatoe peeler (!!) I received for my birthday. Jeez, I am aware it's a tupperware potatoe peeler which probably cost her 15 bucks but really? I can pay her back if she wants to. And it's not as if I asked for a present at all.

My mom is difficult already. MIL is a pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I tell all my friends to marry an orphan

I did, and trust me, that comes with its own set of baggage.

There goes that dream...

Anonymous wrote:The woman my XH is supposed to marry has postponed their wedding date. Coincidence that it came after her first week-long vacation with the extended family? Maybe. Or she heard the hoofbeats more clearly and realized they were fucking zebras after all.

+1

Right? Love this expression. It applies to my MIL, also. ILs wanted to know all about my family, why this, why that - real and imagined by the ILs. However, I should have been suspicious when the ILs revealed so little about themselves EXCEPT what they chose to divulge about belittling my DH. Aresholes. And they stick together like a bunch of criminals. So effing odd. They remind me of rodents who steal crumbs and peer out from the crevices. Yuck. No truths are ever divulged.

My family is the total opposite. Rowdy (to steal PPs words), loud, fun, warm, and what you see is what you get. I would bet that is one of the reasons DH chose me instead of some quiet, creepy, sneaky person like the ILs.

My DH came from a loving family of sane people. He was very close to his brother and spoke warmly of his parents, which I saw as a plus, since my own family relationships are similar. I suppose I though more about what his family dynamics suggested about DH than about the fact I'd be dealing with all of them for the rest of my life. Luckily they are all lovely people who maintain a close relationship but are not over involved, so I can't really complain.

My family is big and Close and rowdy. I'm not quite sure my quiet DH realized what he was getting into when he married me, but he deals with it well

Considerably, but not for a negative reason. I'm one of the younger in my generation in my family so I have watched siblings and cousins join families that were nightmares. Then I have a couple who got married and the two families get along and can spend time together and it has alleviated a lot of holiday stress. I decided my goal was to marry someone who's family I felt I could be a part of and that I could invite into my family as well.

The woman my XH is supposed to marry has postponed their wedding date. Coincidence that it came after her first week-long vacation with the extended family? Maybe. Or she heard the hoofbeats more clearly and realized they were fucking zebras after all.

Anonymous wrote:I'm trying to figure out why people become horrible, awful people when their children get married. Or maybe they were always horrible, awful people. (My in-laws just left after coming over for lunch and I think I'd rather get root canals rather than spend time with them). My DH is an only and aside from them never providing for his needs as a child, they didn't seem that horrible until after we got married.

My only saving grace is that my DH feels the same way about them as I do. So we tolerate them every few months for a few hours. But it causes me mass anxiety...

Maybe they are so discontent with a shift in roles. My MIL can NOT let go of the idea that her children are not kids who need her for approval, comfort, guidance for everything anymore. She refuses to let the relationship mature.

I'm trying to figure out why people become horrible, awful people when their children get married. Or maybe they were always horrible, awful people. (My in-laws just left after coming over for lunch and I think I'd rather get root canals rather than spend time with them). My DH is an only and aside from them never providing for his needs as a child, they didn't seem that horrible until after we got married.

My only saving grace is that my DH feels the same way about them as I do. So we tolerate them every few months for a few hours. But it causes me mass anxiety...

Anonymous wrote:The fact that my husband's parents were lovely human beings who were still happily married and had raised three great kids definitely made him more attractive.

+1

I love this.

What about if your MIL is a bitter hag who raised 5 bitter children? And your DH married the opposite of MIL, to get away from it (rather successfully, thank you)?

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