Anonymous wrote:I don't get why op agreed to her dh joining the fs in the first place. Isn't it obvious that the life would involve constant moving, giving up her career and some difficult posts? That said, warsaw sounds like a great post so not sure what the big deal is.

There are several of us that factor our families in assignments. I know 3 guys who are heading back to Washington within the next year for up to 5 years (you can do this), because of either custody issues or their wives needing a break from all of the travel. I am heading back for 1-3 years for similar reasons.

OP, there are a boatload of identifying details in this thread. Are you trying to expose your husband here?

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you saying that Warsaw was one of his 'hardship"? First you complained that he was seeking hardship in his top 3 for the extra money for college. Now it seems you're just upset about Warsaw. WHere did he rank other places that you wanted? How many of them was he eligible for?

I can see getting upset if he did not listen at all to your desires/preferences. But there's a lot of uncertainty in the FS process, as you know. None of us are clear here as to what you think your options were and what he thought his options were and what they actually are.

Have you considered staying in DC and being apart for 3 years, with some visits? Seems less drastic than divorce.

No, my DH punched the "hardship" ticket - so he says - so that we wouldn't be doing hardship again. He top bid Washington posts, two Western Europe, Warsaw and two "throw away" bids on below grade posts he knew he would not be assigned to. That was round 1.

In round two, he bid two more Washington assignments, one Western Europe, Warsaw and a few more I forget. None in the strict "harsdship" definition, just not places I want to be.

He was not assigned to any of his top three, and was assigned to number 4 - Warsaw. I had been telling him all along I would not accept a post outside the top 3. He has made his bed, and now has to lie in it. I am not going, and if he goes I just want a divorce. I am sick and tired of it. He will not get another job, even though I have repeatedly asked him to. Ugh!

I'd pick Warsaw over where my husband is. Hand over the plane tix, pls.

OP, are you saying that Warsaw was one of his 'hardship"? First you complained that he was seeking hardship in his top 3 for the extra money for college. Now it seems you're just upset about Warsaw. WHere did he rank other places that you wanted? How many of them was he eligible for?

I can see getting upset if he did not listen at all to your desires/preferences. But there's a lot of uncertainty in the FS process, as you know. None of us are clear here as to what you think your options were and what he thought his options were and what they actually are.

Have you considered staying in DC and being apart for 3 years, with some visits? Seems less drastic than divorce.

Suck it up and tell him that after this assignment, he is retiring and you are choosing where you both will live.

I don't get why op agreed to her dh joining the fs in the first place. Isn't it obvious that the life would involve constant moving, giving up her career and some difficult posts? That said, warsaw sounds like a great post so not sure what the big deal is.

I still don't get the problem with Warsaw. But let me explain a bit about how the assignment process works. You have to bid a maximum number 8 bids. At least four must be core bids at your current FS grade level. You can then bid on up to 4 bids that are a grade above or below and can bid on one two grade stretch. If you have not done a hardship tour in the past 8 years, you must put down a hardship post - WHETHER OR NOT YOUR SPOUSE WANTS IT THERE OR NOT. So, a potential bid list could look something like this.


FS-02 - Washington, HQ
FS-03 - Washington, HQ
FS-01 - Brussels
FS-02 - Warsaw
FS-03 - Frankfurt
FS-02 - Rome
FS-03 - Beijing
FS-03 - Bangui

Note the four "core" bids, with the real hardship placed last. The general rule is, if you don't want to go there don't put it down. However, if there are only hardships for core bids they will need to go there and you may be assigned tehre for "needs of the service." Your spouse or SO's input is in helping you put the list together, not trying to get out of it once you already agreed upon it. At least, that is how it should be. It appears the OP reserves the right to change things up if she doesn't get her way.

She was already aware months back that DH was assigned to Warsaw. Did she thing language training was not going to come? I think she lives in a world of denial.

very* telling

Anonymous wrote:I would suck it up for three years. $55k is a big chunk of money and it will be helpful to not have to pay off loans during retirement. I doubt your husband will retire in three years. You can have him choose a cushy place next time as payment for him not retiring

But its not really 3 years. She's been sucking it up for SEVERAL years. What if he decides that he'd like to do one last post before retirement? I don't see why he couldn't do an AIP and let the family head back to the States. The fact that he's already started training without informing OP that the assignment was a done deal is every telling.

I would suck it up for three years. $55k is a big chunk of money and it will be helpful to not have to pay off loans during retirement. I doubt your husband will retire in three years. You can have him choose a cushy place next time as payment for him not retiring

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't deserve shit, do it for you kids

Why, exactly, does OP "not deserve shit"? Because she's a woman?

Because she is behaving like a self-centered, entitled little twat, that's why!

Are you her husband or something? Or just a jealous low-level employee who wishes you had her life? Something's definitely wrong that you are taking this thread so personally. It isn't about you. You're really emotionally over-involved.

OP is burned out, tired of moving around, tired of living in places she doesn't want to live, and wanted to finally have some say in their location. Not to mention she's tired of being a trailing spouse and is tired of working two-bit jobs or no job at all. She also suspects, rightly or wrongly, that her husband is neither sufficiently proactive nor successful enough to get an assignment in a place she wants to live. I also think another PP is onto something when she mentioned that this sounds like it's devolved into a power struggle. It sounds like it has, on both of their parts.

OP's anger and frustration make perfect sense. And I say this as someone who would like to go live in Warsaw! But I really do get it, OP. Best of luck to you.

PS - to the poster who told her she signed the dotted line and should suck it up: shove it. His early career was in private sector and for all we know they already had their kids by then. HE signed the dotted line, not her. And HE decided to have a family when he joined the FS, so it was HIS responsibility to take their needs and wants into account to, not just those of his job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't deserve shit, do it for you kids

Why, exactly, does OP "not deserve shit"? Because she's a woman?

Because she is behaving like a self-centered, entitled little twat, that's why!

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, but what post that requires Polish language is considered hardship? In your first post, you said you were tired of living in 3rd world places, etc. But Poland?

I told my DH I will not go there. He bid on it anyway. Even if he did put it far down the list, I feel he ignored my desires.