Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nor it is a weapon or a reward...

I feel if DWs are not willing to seriously look at how and whether they are meeting the emotional and sexual needs of their husbands and vice versa, they really have no cause for complaint if the denied spouse is stepping out on the side. You've really left them with no other choice to have those needs met.

F here. Sex as a weapon or reward is cruel.

M here, and I agree. But you can see how this dynamic starts: DH wants to have sex, DW doesn't want to for whatever reason (or no reason at all--sometimes she's just not in the mood), and when DH asks her about why not, she says "you don't do enough around the house" or "you don't do X," or "you did Y and it upset me and now I don't feel like it."

Sex has been put out there as a weapon--DH didn't earn his fuck, and DW withholds what he wants.

So, DH does what she asks, and expects his reward, and the downward spiral begins.

So why do men withhold sex?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nor it is a weapon or a reward...

I feel if DWs are not willing to seriously look at how and whether they are meeting the emotional and sexual needs of their husbands and vice versa, they really have no cause for complaint if the denied spouse is stepping out on the side. You've really left them with no other choice to have those needs met.

F here. Sex as a weapon or reward is cruel.

M here, and I agree. But you can see how this dynamic starts: DH wants to have sex, DW doesn't want to for whatever reason (or no reason at all--sometimes she's just not in the mood), and when DH asks her about why not, she says "you don't do enough around the house" or "you don't do X," or "you did Y and it upset me and now I don't feel like it."

Sex has been put out there as a weapon--DH didn't earn his fuck, and DW withholds what he wants.

So, DH does what she asks, and expects his reward, and the downward spiral begins.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not an entitlement.

But fidelity is. And that's where the imbalance of power shifts to the low libido spouse.

+1

+2

Anonymous wrote:Nor it is a weapon or a reward...

I feel if DWs are not willing to seriously look at how and whether they are meeting the emotional and sexual needs of their husbands and vice versa, they really have no cause for complaint if the denied spouse is stepping out on the side. You've really left them with no other choice to have those needs met.

F here. Sex as a weapon or reward is cruel.

Anonymous wrote:The Muslims have it right on this one. Once the husband has paid his wife her mahr (bride price), she is not allowed to refuse sex with him unless she has a valid Sharia reason (menstruation, severe injury or illness, or if she is performing obligatory prayers or fasting).

Muhammad was a very smart man.

For those people who are often too tired or not in the mood, can you get into it once it starts? I find that even when I am tired or thought I was not in the mood, I can still work up an O once we start. Knowing this has made me more willing to say yes when I am not quite horny.

Maybe another way to look at all of this is: if we wait to be "in the mood" to initiate, we may ourselves be missing out on opportunities we did not know were there.

With young kids and other stresses, you feel overwhelmed a lot. Neither spouse may feel "in the mood" in that way that they imagine they should, remember they did, or wish they could. All of this puts waaaay to much pressure on what might better be thought of as a perfectly natural thing that wont happen unless you plan it a bit.

My husband has often been way too fussy for my taste in terms of having everything be just right for him to want to have sex. He has traditionally required a wind down time, and has made me wait while he showers, does this that and the other, and Im layng there half out of my mind with urgent horniness. There was also plenty of rejection. All of which he seems to not ever recall!

Ive learned to just be more open minded and not have as high expectations and have solo O's as needed. Its not what I want, but its what has been happening. DH was depressed for a LONG time and he withdrew from me. Now that he is on antidepressants at the correct dose, we had the BEST sex in a LONG TIME. It has been about 7 months, which is the longest we ever went ewithout, but when we had it, it was the Best in YEARS. Was not expecting that.

But it happened because I risked rejection and initiated. And I was NOT made to wait!! IT was AWESOME.

I think we all have ideas about sex that may or may not match the realities of sex in a long term relationship. ITs not easy to get total satisfaction, but perhaps also not so impossible. Noone likes to be disappointes sexually, and noone likes rejection. But I think the reality is we must risk these things from time to time because otherwise it just might not happen at all.

Anonymous wrote:The Muslims have it right on this one. Once the husband has paid his wife her mahr (bride price), she is not allowed to refuse sex with him unless she has a valid Sharia reason (menstruation, severe injury or illness, or if she is performing obligatory prayers or fasting).

LOL! Wow. Okie dokie then.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not an entitlement.

But fidelity is. And that's where the imbalance of power shifts to the low libido spouse.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Sex is not an entitlement.

But fidelity is. And that's where the imbalance of power shifts to the low libido spouse.

There are plenty of perfectly pleasant, hard working, diligent husbands who aren't getting laid very often or very well. Let's not pretend this is all about whether a husband is holding up his end of the marriage. Very often he is and the wife still isn't sexually interested in him.

It's a problem and simplistic formulas about how he's not meeting her emotional needs or how he's an asshole for thinking he should be having sex with his wife because it's her body, damn it, really don't help to address that problem.

And it's not just a problem for the guys. (Women are sometimes, but not as often, in this position too). And, even more than that, low libido wives with perfectly upstanding husbands are frustrated, sad, and confused at their lack of responsiveness as well.

The Muslims have it right on this one. Once the husband has paid his wife her mahr (bride price), she is not allowed to refuse sex with him unless she has a valid Sharia reason (menstruation, severe injury or illness, or if she is performing obligatory prayers or fasting).

Anonymous wrote:Nor it is a weapon or a reward...

I feel if DWs are not willing to seriously look at how and whether they are meeting the emotional and sexual needs of their husbands and vice versa, they really have no cause for complaint if the denied spouse is stepping out on the side. You've really left them with no other choice to have those needs met.

Then good riddance.

For all the women posting in this thread about withholding sex from husbands who are assholes, let me stipulate on behalf of all men everywhere that if your husband is an asshole, you are under no obligation to fuck him.

I might even suggest that you shouldn't be married to him, because he is an asshole.

Your situation is NOT what the OP is talking about when she says she throws her husband a bone.

If I'm being a shit towards my husband, I certainly don't expect that he's going to fuck me. Not sure why a man would expect any differently.