Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread seems to pop up once a year. After about a year of being good, our marriage is again rocky. The kids are now 4 and 6. We are heavily involved in our children's lives. I am now almost 37 years old and do not daydream of finding my soul mate. I am just sad stuck in a loveless marriage. I seem to have many other friends in unhappy marriages. My one good friend is going through a divorce and can't afford to rent an apartment on her own. My other good friend hates her spouse and is no longer speaking to him. She wants to leave but can't because she can't afford to support herself and her child on her own. Another friend has a husband who hates her, hates their 3 kids, hates his job and life. I am beginning to think there is no happily ever after and all marriages kind of suck after a while.

Anonymous wrote:I found this post while searching "I don't like my husband anymore" in Google, and I just read through all 11 pages, including all of the updates from the OP over several years. It was interesting to read, as I'm in about the same place chronologically as you are, OP (had kids around the same time as you did, and they are now close to the same ages as yours).

I don't have any answers or advice for you really, just wanted to chime in that you're not alone in disliking your husband and feeling dissatisfied with your marriage while you have young kids. My husband and I had a great relationship before we had kids - we liked each other a lot, we were extremely compatible, we wanted the same things, and we were the couple that all our friends wanted to be like. My husband absolutely adored me (and still does) and I felt (and still feel) very secure with him. Knowing that the would never betray me was and still is everything to me given a lot of things from my past, and is a primary reason I married him and stay married to him. But it doesn't make the marriage perfect.

With that said, kids have been hard on our marriage. We love them so much, we are both great and extremely loving and dedicated parents, and we have definitely shifted the focus in our lives almost entirely to them. They are wonderful, loving, happy children - it has just been hard on our marriage, and the kids leave us with virtually no time for each other or ourselves.

Like you, often every single thing my husband does annoys me. He's an only child, and I find him intolerable at times - narcissistic, immature, selfish, weak. He's a big complainer, he acts like he deserves a medal for pretty much everything he does (and he does do a lot - we share household and childcare duties quite evenly). However, I never complain, I am mature, I don't act like I deserve anything for all I do, and I often feel as though I deserve so much better than my husband. I daydream about being with someone who's more like I am - a strong, selfless, giving, mature, and capable person.

At the same time, I feel stuck. I guess I still love him, though I'm not sure, and I know I often don't *like* him. My mom was a single parent, and I know I could do it and do it well. However, I don't want to break up our family, my husband is a great dad, my kids adore him, he begs me to stay and he claims he is very in love with me (I've mentioned divorce many times over the years and he won't hear of it), and we have a very nice life together - beautiful home, good social life, nice vacations as a family, and pretty compatible philosophies when it comes to raising our children. I think that some of our friends actually believe we're the perfect couple, and I'd imagine that most people think we have a good marriage.

We still enjoy time together alone, when we can get it, and we still have a connection to each other. I enjoy getting away with just him and it helps me feel connected to him again and reminds me of why we're together.

But most of the time, on a day-to-day basis, I just don't like him. I am sick of everything being all about him, I'm tired of trying to help him work on himself and be less narcissistic. I'm tired of being with a spouse who has virtually no compassion, empathy, or concern for me or my feelings (this is typical of people with narcissism - they feel no empathy for others, and it SUCKS being married to someone like this, regardless of all their other wonderful traits, because you and your feelings basically don't even exist in their world). I don't really respect him and I don't think he's a particularly great person in general. He's objectively a good person, but he's not someone I really respect or admire. He's kind, and he's a great dad, he's a faithful husband, and I know he loves me and would do anything for me and to keep us together...but that's kind of where it ends for me. I wish that were enough!

I have no idea what my point is. I guess it's that you aren't alone. I don't think I have any plans to leave my marriage. I don't really believe it would necessarily be better with someone else. When I try to take a step back and be objective, I can see a lot of reasons why I am with my husband and a lot of areas in which we are very compatible and in love. I just wish that I felt consistently happy and I wish it were smoother, easier and that I didn't constantly feel like I'm the responsible, mature parent and he's the third child in a lot of ways.

I did not grow up with married parents, so maybe I just had no idea what marriage would really be like because I didn't grow up observing one. Maybe I picked the wrong person. Maybe we are just in a difficult season in our marriage with very young kids (2 and 5).

Keep us posted on how you're doing. Reading the truth about someone else's marriage is remarkably therapeutic for me. I feel like we are all of us parents with young kids pretending our family lives and marriages are happy and perfect via Facebook and socializing when really, I'd bet the vast, vast majority of us are neutral at best, and unhappy or even miserable at worst.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread seems to pop up once a year. After about a year of being good, our marriage is again rocky. The kids are now 4 and 6. We are heavily involved in our children's lives. I am now almost 37 years old and do not daydream of finding my soul mate. I am just sad stuck in a loveless marriage. I seem to have many other friends in unhappy marriages. My one good friend is going through a divorce and can't afford to rent an apartment on her own. My other good friend hates her spouse and is no longer speaking to him. She wants to leave but can't because she can't afford to support herself and her child on her own. Another friend has a husband who hates her, hates their 3 kids, hates his job and life. I am beginning to think there is no happily ever after and all marriages kind of suck after a while.

Anonymous wrote:I mean this really nicely and with a lot of empathy: grow up. seriously.

You get to be mad, you get to feel disconnected and angry. But as an adult, with 2 kids who depend on you to Do The Right Thing By Them, who depend on you to work hard to make their lives stable, you have no right to wallow in anger, poisoning your marriage while completely blaming your husband for its demise.

You need to either (1) get to counseling/therapy with or without DH or (2) get over it.

Those are your only responsible choices.

The only grievance you have detailed is him not wanting to have sex with you. I've seen the sexless marriage threads here and I understand it can be hard but... are you freaking kidding me? The sex declined temporarily while you were pregnant and had two small kids? You keep saying it "seemed" and "supposed" so you never even talked about it to him and got his opinion? That's enough for you to check out of the marriage? Engage in tit for tat? Destroy your family home?

Are you 12?

I know you will get a lot of sympathetic posts so consider this an alternative strategy" a wake up call. You are heading towards a long painful and miserable breakdown of your marriage. You can either be part of the problem or the solution. Let me guess, you didn't really pay attention to your wedding vows because you were too busy planning what was important to you - The Big Day.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw my old thread revived a month ago and wanted to give an update to anyone who is interested.

I had some health problems and DH was there by my side at the hospital. My parents required assistance and DH stepped up. I have grown up and now realize that marriage is not all passion and excitement. It was childish of me to think that our love had faded. I can't remember all the details I shared on this thread but DH is physically attractive, smart and very successful. Best of all, DH is a fabulous hands on father. My kids adore him and I am glad that I stayed for the sake of our children.

Sleep deprivation made me into a total bitch. I essentially had not slept well for about 5 years. Now that I am getting a good night sleep most nights, I am a new person. The boys now play together and I no longer have to spend every waking minute catering to them. DH did acknowledge that he had no time to focus on me after working FT and being a dad. I have accepted this and am fine with it. We have much better communication.

As others have advised on this thread, the first years of parenthood are tough but I now feel closer to DH than ever. I'm still not that attracted to him but I at least like him as a friend. I used to be so irritated him by every move that he made. Our children mean everything to us and I would not trade our family for a potential spark that would eventually fade. I am assuming the way I felt for the past few years is why many people probably have affairs. I am glad I did not and kept our family in tact.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
Most of your discontent has to do with sex. It is mentioned over and over. How often are you getting it on now? Did you feel rejected when it was less and did that play into your feelings changing? His saying you have no problems or whatever sounds pretty dismissive. What IS working about your relationship? What are specific things you want from him and have you asked for them?

OP here. DH wants sex. I am the one who doesn't want it. When I was pregnant, I didn't want it either. I was too busy puking. I had terrible morning sickness all day and night.

I'm 33 and fairly attractive. I am back down to 120 pounds and a size 4. I can't help but think DH is not my soul mate and someone out there can make me happier. If it weren't for the kids, I would have left long ago. I don't doubt we can make it work in the short term but I am certain we won't last forever. If I know we will most likely separate, I would prefer to do it when I am still relatively young.

My unhappiness has little to do with sex. I am emotionally unhappy. Secondly, I feel like my sex drive is nonexistent. I am assuming my lack of physical attraction has to do with my mental dislike for my husband.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I saw my old thread revived a month ago and wanted to give an update to anyone who is interested.

I had some health problems and DH was there by my side at the hospital. My parents required assistance and DH stepped up. I have grown up and now realize that marriage is not all passion and excitement. It was childish of me to think that our love had faded. I can't remember all the details I shared on this thread but DH is physically attractive, smart and very successful. Best of all, DH is a fabulous hands on father. My kids adore him and I am glad that I stayed for the sake of our children.

Sleep deprivation made me into a total bitch. I essentially had not slept well for about 5 years. Now that I am getting a good night sleep most nights, I am a new person. The boys now play together and I no longer have to spend every waking minute catering to them. DH did acknowledge that he had no time to focus on me after working FT and being a dad. I have accepted this and am fine with it. We have much better communication.

As others have advised on this thread, the first years of parenthood are tough but I now feel closer to DH than ever. I'm still not that attracted to him but I at least like him as a friend. I used to be so irritated him by every move that he made. Our children mean everything to us and I would not trade our family for a potential spark that would eventually fade. I am assuming the way I felt for the past few years is why many people probably have affairs. I am glad I did not and kept our family in tact.