Anonymous
Post 02/07/2012 10:03     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Anonymous wrote:This is extraordinary! Eleven pages of mostly sound etiquette advice from presumably younger people! Miss Manners and I are leaping for joy. Special points to the west coaster who writes thank you notes on personal stationery. You must be from the bay area.....


lol, no. Orange County if you can believe it
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2012 10:01     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
This is extraordinary! Eleven pages of mostly sound etiquette advice from presumably younger people! Miss Manners and I are leaping for joy. Special points to the west coaster who writes thank you notes on personal stationery. You must be from the bay area.....
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2012 09:54     Subject: Re:Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
PP, that's a nice way to handle it.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2012 09:11     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would never in a million years think that an evite would mean that I didn't have to actually pay for the dinner. I'm like PP I guess, I must run in different circles.


Depends on the language in the eVite. I see now that part of the problem is that OP and her DH are West Coasters. West Coasters are way less formal, don't do thank you notes, don't host dinner parties at their homes like Easterners. It's a culture/age/money clash.


Um, that's ridiculous. I'm from the West Coast, and I think I'm the only person in my social circle who writes thank you notes (on personal stationary!), and dinner parties are actually the preferred get-together (dining al fresco in the beautiful weather).

Anyway, OP, I have a friend who did something similar to what you initially planned recently (born and bred east coaster btw!) and it was a hit. Basically, the evite was for a "party" at her house where she served dessert and drinks. As for the "dinner" portion of the evening, there was a little note at the bottom of the invitation that said something like:
" Before the party we'll be having drinks dinner at _________, if you want to join. The pre-fixe menu is $35.00. Please let me know if you want to attend and I'll add you to the reservation! Hope you can make it!"
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2012 08:29     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Anonymous wrote:I would never in a million years think that an evite would mean that I didn't have to actually pay for the dinner. I'm like PP I guess, I must run in different circles.


Depends on the language in the eVite. I see now that part of the problem is that OP and her DH are West Coasters. West Coasters are way less formal, don't do thank you notes, don't host dinner parties at their homes like Easterners. It's a culture/age/money clash.
Anonymous
Post 02/07/2012 08:24     Subject: Re:Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Have a dessert and champagne party to celebrate your husband's birthday.

You can make a variety of desserts and get some champagne to toast. Get the sparkling wine at Trader Joe's -- they have some good ones which are not expensive.

Anonymous
Post 02/07/2012 01:11     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Anonymous wrote:I have no idea what any of you are talking about.

We are adults, we have birthdays, we go out for dinner with friends and everyone pays their own way. Why is this different from being 25 or 30 or 35 (I am 40)? You say, "it is my birthday. I really want to spend it with you. Let's meet at a bar and hang out (25), have dinner and drinks (30), a night out without the kids (34 +). In all of these examples, if I was invited, I would assume I was paying for the birthday boy/girl. That is called good manners.

Recent example: For DHs birthday in December I emailed three couple friends and said, "hey, it is DHs birthday. How about a night out with dinner and drinks?" They all came, they all tried to pay for him, never had any crazy idea we would pay, and were incredibly grateful for a reason to get a sitter and get out with other grown ups.

I honestly don't know any of you. I have never been 'invited' to a birthday part out and had it all paid for. The only experience I have ever had like that was at something called a wedding.

OP - go forth, send an email to your friends asking them to join in a birthday celebration and a fun night out. I would do an email rather than an evite, in order to deflect any of the ideas on this thread.

If I am just white trash and don't know people with this kind of money (and we could afford to pay for a meal like this), I will happily become your friend to be invited to a birthday in which just by being 'invited' i get a free meal.


To the PP, are these close friends? I think if it is something you do all the time with a group of friends it may be no big deal. Sort of like the person you go out frequently enough to say, hey I have you this time, knowing the next time the person will cover your bill. That's a far cry from going out with people you don't know that well where you are not only "splitting" bill with the person that orders the extra appetizer and three drinks but you are covering the birthday person and as someone mentioned it would be awkward to not also include the spouse. It's not as though the person "hosting" will be doing the same thing when my husband's 40th birthday rolls around because we don't hang out like that. My family doesn't have a lot of money and my mom was one to say you make do with what you have. If OP wants a night out with friends that is dutch, then make it night out that isn't for DH birthday where people will feel obligated to pay for her meal and DH. If I didn't know someone that well I would wonder if it was just a way to get a night out on someone else's tab. If it is about getting people together to celebrate, as most people have mentioned they don't care if it is limited furniture, if it is Costco platters, if it is brunch, if it is cake and punch etc. the fact that you are using your time and money( whatever the budget) to graciously invite people that you may not know that well to celebrate is a big deal in a good way. As for potluck, I don't really cook so as long as someone has options that don't include cooking e.g. Drinks, dessert, salad etc., then I'm fine.
Anonymous
Post 02/06/2012 23:53     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Dear OP: It looks like you have this whole thing justified in your head already that you can invite everyone to go dutch. I think the majority of us think this is a big no-no. You really need to scale the celebration to something that you can afford. Why not get pizza delivered at your house? If you can not afford it, then you really should not plan it. Otherwise, you are basically asking everyone else to foot the bill for your husband's party. If you are really intent on having the others foot the bill to a party that you should be hosting, perhaps you can have your sister invite everyone: "Let's all take Bob out for dinner at Benihanna's!!!". BTW, every 40th birthday party I have attended was hosted by the spouse/partner. Good Luck on this! You are going to need it!


No, what I've decided now (after reading this thread) is to either do 1) a brunch at my house, which would be low-key, 2) invite everyone to a pizza/bowling type place (though need to figure out what kind of places are in NoVA, I'm not that familiar with the area), and pay for everyone, or 3) do a dessert themed party at my house, from say 8 pm-11pm. We have established that I will not invite people to a restaurant and expect them to pay. That was my original thought, but apparently it is a social faux pas (which I didn't know).

My friends, as well as myself and DH, are very informal types who tend to have potluck dinners or mini golf outings to celebrate birthdays, so I think they would be happy with any of these options. Though these are indeed new friends, some of whom don't know each other, so there is that to consider. DH and I are newish to the area so we really want to celebrate this big birthday with our new friends, even though we don't have a "group"--only friends from different areas (work, volunteering, etc.). So because of that fact not sure how well a party at our house would work. Will have to think more about this. I don't have much experience with entertaining (DH and I mainly host brunches, in which we make all the food, which have all been very nice and low key). I've never hosted a party at home and so while it sounds like a fun idea I worry it will be too much work/stress.

I appreciate everyone's ideas, and now I know definitively that the restaurant idea was a bad idea. Good thing I posted on here before sending out an e-vite! Though honestly, my friends are so laid back and informal that I don't think they would have batted an eye at the dutch thing at a restaurant, since it was going to be an Olive Garden type restaurant anyway (i.e. relatively inexpensive).


I like these ideas. I also think because it is a group that doesn't know each other it's better to do something other than a sit down dinner. As for board games etc. at a party at home, I'm more likely to play the wii games or karaoke than board games but part of that is the idea I don't want to do an activity that is too involved and would want to be able to drop in and out of activities as well as conversations.

Good luck.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2012 13:22     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
You are either a troll or a loon (i.e., your friends are informal and like pot lucks and Olive Garden but, you can't have them to your home because they will judge your furniture; you can host a home cooked brunch but, can't handle throwing out cake, wine, and cheese sticks).

Either way, I'd recommend against a party.

Also, I hope you are a troll because anyone who has lived here three years and can only find the Olive Garden is just sad.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2012 13:08     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
The only time it is correct to assume that you would be going dutch is if you are in college/grad school/25, in which case it's normal because not many 25-yos can afford to host all of their friends.

Anything else is wrong.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2012 12:29     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
"I've been to Olive Garden. It's essentially Italian fast food, totally appropriate for families and not at all special or celebratory for a kid free evening. "

Olive Garden food sucks the big one.


Anonymous
Post 02/05/2012 12:25     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Anonymous wrote:And we're ready to give the profile. (Yes, I watch too much Criminal Minds.)

Assuming you believe that you have to pay to attend a party, I'm guessing you also believe:

- The starting time stated on the invitation is flexible by up to 4 hours
- The location chosen by the host is debatable, you are always free to say it sucks, let's go somewhere else
- The persons listed on the invitation are just a suggestion, everyone's welcome
- Kids, of course, are always welcome, and appropriate food, drink and entertainment will be provided for them
- All food on offer will not contain nuts, gluten, wheat, soy, dairy, fat, strawberries, seafood or whatever else you are allergic to/cutting back on/dislike this week
- If beverages are provided, they will include the precise type, brand and quality you prefer
- Even if you order an appetizer, the lobster, four glasses of the reserve and two desserts, everyone will split the check evenly




Jewish men are good husbands.
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2012 12:23     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
12:13 - Agreed. Add: these people do NOT have parents!
Anonymous
Post 02/05/2012 12:13     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
And we're ready to give the profile. (Yes, I watch too much Criminal Minds.)

Assuming you believe that you have to pay to attend a party, I'm guessing you also believe:

- The starting time stated on the invitation is flexible by up to 4 hours
- The location chosen by the host is debatable, you are always free to say it sucks, let's go somewhere else
- The persons listed on the invitation are just a suggestion, everyone's welcome
- Kids, of course, are always welcome, and appropriate food, drink and entertainment will be provided for them
- All food on offer will not contain nuts, gluten, wheat, soy, dairy, fat, strawberries, seafood or whatever else you are allergic to/cutting back on/dislike this week
- If beverages are provided, they will include the precise type, brand and quality you prefer
- Even if you order an appetizer, the lobster, four glasses of the reserve and two desserts, everyone will split the check evenly


Anonymous
Post 02/05/2012 10:56     Subject: Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
Anonymous wrote:Holy crap. If I got an e-vite for any kind of restaurant get-together, regardless of the situation, I would assume I'm paying for me and my husband (unless it was a work party thrown by my boss or something). I think I travel in different circles than most DCUMers.


Ditto. I am 32.