Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In my experience, if they don’t step up when everything is new and special and all eyes are on them, they never will. So now you know who your DH is. Get brave and rely only on yourself, divorce or no divorce.

Okay. And what would your DH have to say about all of this?

He would likely have a strong response regarding the times he stepped up, your responses to this, and a different view of what happened during this time. Your statement that all "eyes are on them" is telling. Were you (and your family, friends, etc.) judging him while he was learning how to be a father? Was every problem, at least in part, his fault?

There are many posters on here who immediately agree with the DW poster who bashes her DH for problems (e.g., he is not stepping up!!!!) while being the first ones to blame the DH when a DH bashes his DW (e.g., she is not being unreasonable, you are being a jerk).

Get ready:

1) DH didn’t feel any pressure, and even though he had friends and colleagues with new babies at the same time who were taking babies out and about, wearing Ergos, etc., he said it wasn’t necessary for him to do any of that because I was doing it. It was so weirdly cold and rational.

2) DH also felt that since I was already physically suffering anyway (difficult birth, injuries from it, sleeplesssness) it didn’t make sense for him to suffer too.

3) he will fully admit now that he didn’t step up then but can’t seem to explain it or rationalize it. He’s weirdly clinical about it like he’s describing an acquaintance he knew, not his own self.

OP, if this is you — given what you have revealed about yourself, nobody is going to buy your subjective characterization of his mental state.

If his tone seems measured, most likely he is trying to be careful not to trigger an episode. Possibly while his lawyer gets divorce papers in order, since you have told him what is coming.

You should show him this thread . Assuming you stand by everything you’ve written.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In my experience, if they don’t step up when everything is new and special and all eyes are on them, they never will. So now you know who your DH is. Get brave and rely only on yourself, divorce or no divorce.

Okay. And what would your DH have to say about all of this?

He would likely have a strong response regarding the times he stepped up, your responses to this, and a different view of what happened during this time. Your statement that all "eyes are on them" is telling. Were you (and your family, friends, etc.) judging him while he was learning how to be a father? Was every problem, at least in part, his fault?

There are many posters on here who immediately agree with the DW poster who bashes her DH for problems (e.g., he is not stepping up!!!!) while being the first ones to blame the DH when a DH bashes his DW (e.g., she is not being unreasonable, you are being a jerk).

Get ready:

1) DH didn’t feel any pressure, and even though he had friends and colleagues with new babies at the same time who were taking babies out and about, wearing Ergos, etc., he said it wasn’t necessary for him to do any of that because I was doing it. It was so weirdly cold and rational.

2) DH also felt that since I was already physically suffering anyway (difficult birth, injuries from it, sleeplesssness) it didn’t make sense for him to suffer too.

3) he will fully admit now that he didn’t step up then but can’t seem to explain it or rationalize it. He’s weirdly clinical about it like he’s describing an acquaintance he knew, not his own self.

Anonymous wrote:

In my experience, if they don’t step up when everything is new and special and all eyes are on them, they never will. So now you know who your DH is. Get brave and rely only on yourself, divorce or no divorce.

Okay. And what would your DH have to say about all of this?

He would likely have a strong response regarding the times he stepped up, your responses to this, and a different view of what happened during this time. Your statement that all "eyes are on them" is telling. Were you (and your family, friends, etc.) judging him while he was learning how to be a father? Was every problem, at least in part, his fault?

There are many posters on here who immediately agree with the DW poster who bashes her DH for problems (e.g., he is not stepping up!!!!) while being the first ones to blame the DH when a DH bashes his DW (e.g., she is not being unreasonable, you are being a jerk).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you described is not divorce-worthy.

My husband travels a decent amount for work and has business dinners several nights a week. He is gone 1-2 weeks out of the month.

Our agreement:

- He would be caring for our baby on the evenings he is home to allow me to have downtime.

He has refused to do any evening help with the baby because he needs to relax.

- He will cook the days he gets home early.

He has refused to cook on the days he is home.

- He will help out at night on the weekends and help me prepare for the week ahead ( meal prep, laundry, grocery shopping..)

He hasn’t done any nights. He does do meal prep and laundry but I’ve had to order groceries because he was too tired.

- He would skip client dinners that aren’t necessary or any travel that isn’t necessary.

He has several next week and will be out of town for work the week after.

The idea of being a SAHM or working part-time has been on the table but it’s not a decision I wanted to make until my maternity leave was nearing an end. I don’t see myself staying home but working part-time is a strong possibility.

It feels to me that I’m parenting by myself. He has no interest in being a husband or father. My life has changed but his is still normal.

if you want to sahm or work part time he's gong to need to stay in good favor at work meaning many dinners and lots of travel.

cooking is reasonable,
Not sure why you need him to make your lunch for you.

I think it's reasonable for him to take an hour to decompress afterward. Also think it makes sense for him to do first evening shift with the baby so say 7 to 11 or midnight and then you're on since he has to be up in the morning. he can also do the first morning feed etc before going to work,

Him doing laundry for the household is huge - you should be grateful for that.
.

the person who is on for baby care should not have to also make dinner. Sure it's doable but that's not really the pint

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have an almost 5-week-old. We had numerous discussions re expectations as a couple/parents, how our days would be structured, who assumes what responsibilities. It went well the first 3 weeks until my husband went back to work and decided he was too busy and threw our game plan out the window. It’s been a lot of complaining on his end when I ask him to do set things he agreed upon. Any extra responsibilities is met with sighs and annoyance. I’m over his attitude and lack of help.

I sat him down today and told him this is not how I want marriage to go and will strongly consider whether I want to stay in this marriage. I elaborated that he is not keeping promises or operating as a team or a loving supportive spouse. He got angry and told me I’m being irrational and that I’m spoiled and ungrateful. While it sucks we are here, I don’t feel my reasonings and feelings are irrational. Please offer some advice or help me see that maybe I’m being too harsh on him in this trying time.

In my experience, if they don’t step up when everything is new and special and all eyes are on them, they never will. So now you know who your DH is. Get brave and rely only on yourself, divorce or no divorce.