How do people make family life work with two demanding yet not lucrative careers? Who gets the short end of the stick?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot be a good mother and have a career. Sounds like you both have different priorities and it will never work.

Run. You need a man who elevates you and wants you to succeed. He is bringing you down. You will grow to resent him. Success together is a beautiful thing. It's exciting to be ambitious and grow and built wealth. It makes for an interesting life. And you can add kids into the mix.

Elevates her? How is climbing the corp ladder elevating her? Does it make her a better person? Does it make her superior within society? Does it improve her health?
And before you respond I asked "does it" not "can it".

Anonymous wrote:

Every minute you spend with this guy, he is filling a space in your life that could be filled by someone who will love you as a full, ambitious human equal.

Not a given. You may end up single or settle for someone worse but fear shouldn't drive your decisions.

Forum is filled with women who married their husbands not knowing them or hoping to be able to change them, don't go with that strategy. Get to know the person and marry only if you can accept them as they are or turn 10% worse with ups and downs of life.

If you can't, stay single or keep looking.

Anonymous wrote:My boyfriend and I have a beautiful connection. both of us are marriage minded. There is one issue that’s giving me pause and I’d like to know what others think.

I am ambitious and probably make a little more than him. He is somewhat traditional on gender roles. he doesn’t want me to work long hours, and I get the feeling he does not want me to climb the corporate ladder.

I’ve told him in marriage I’d compromise on long hours. But I have this feeling he may generally speaking resent me for being ambitious down the road. I have no plans of stopping being career driven though I can dial back hours.

Everything else is golden between us. Thoughts?

If you were my daughter, I would tell you to run, and ask you why you want to start married life with someone who already wants you to make yourself smaller.

Everything else may be golden, but this - his desire to see you reign in your work life - is enough to tarnish whatever else you feel is golden.

Every minute you spend with this guy, he is filling a space in your life that could be filled by someone who will love you as a full, ambitious human equal.

If ambitious career is lucrative enough to throw money at problems, like having a big home, day and night nannies, cleaners, house manager etc then its acceptable to more people.

Traditional role is more important during years of raising babies, once they are gone to full time grade school with a good afterschool program, both parents have more time for advancing careers and making money.

Disagreements and disputes due to stress of raising kids and managing home-life with two demanding careers often leads to resentment and frustration and affairs or divorce wrecking homes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the point is most jobs are just made up. They don't actually matter. It doesn't matter how well you do them, because it's meaningless.

This is what women without jobs say to justify not having a job. If it helps you sleep at night, sure....

I work in the climate change sector, on the finance side - so I am directly contributing to renewable energy projects being built. My best friend is a veterinarian and literally saves the lives of pets. My other best friend is a teacher; a friend's daughter ended up in her class this year, and has literally changed the daughter's life, because she has connected so well with her teacher, which has been much needed in light of the mental health challenges this girl has recently had (brother with cancer). My best friend from college is a researcher in a biology field. All the women I'm good friends with have meaningful jobs that impact people around them.

Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong people. Perhaps an echo chamber of non-working women who don't actually know any working women, and just keep repeating the lie that jobs aren't important?

DP. I’m sorry but these are poor examples of people in jobs mattering, except for the teacher who is filling a stereotypically feminine, pseudo-maternal role in a child’s life.

If you are going to be a nihilist, then you should go all in, not just this half baked trope about jobs being meaningless. We are all temporary specs in the universe, here for a short nanosecond of time. Nothing, at all matters.

Anonymous wrote:You cannot be a good mother and have a career. Sounds like you both have different priorities and it will never work.

Run. You need a man who elevates you and wants you to succeed. He is bringing you down. You will grow to resent him. Success together is a beautiful thing. It's exciting to be ambitious and grow and built wealth. It makes for an interesting life. And you can add kids into the mix.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the point is most jobs are just made up. They don't actually matter. It doesn't matter how well you do them, because it's meaningless.

This is what women without jobs say to justify not having a job. If it helps you sleep at night, sure....

I work in the climate change sector, on the finance side - so I am directly contributing to renewable energy projects being built. My best friend is a veterinarian and literally saves the lives of pets. My other best friend is a teacher; a friend's daughter ended up in her class this year, and has literally changed the daughter's life, because she has connected so well with her teacher, which has been much needed in light of the mental health challenges this girl has recently had (brother with cancer). My best friend from college is a researcher in a biology field. All the women I'm good friends with have meaningful jobs that impact people around them.

Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong people. Perhaps an echo chamber of non-working women who don't actually know any working women, and just keep repeating the lie that jobs aren't important?

DP. I’m sorry but these are poor examples of people in jobs mattering, except for the teacher who is filling a stereotypically feminine, pseudo-maternal role in a child’s life.

You’re not sorry and you’re wrong.
NP

If both of you are flexible and focus isn't on must be super ambitious or must have a traditional spouse but on how happy, comfortable and stress free married family life can be.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the point is most jobs are just made up. They don't actually matter. It doesn't matter how well you do them, because it's meaningless.

This is what women without jobs say to justify not having a job. If it helps you sleep at night, sure....

I work in the climate change sector, on the finance side - so I am directly contributing to renewable energy projects being built. My best friend is a veterinarian and literally saves the lives of pets. My other best friend is a teacher; a friend's daughter ended up in her class this year, and has literally changed the daughter's life, because she has connected so well with her teacher, which has been much needed in light of the mental health challenges this girl has recently had (brother with cancer). My best friend from college is a researcher in a biology field. All the women I'm good friends with have meaningful jobs that impact people around them.

Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong people. Perhaps an echo chamber of non-working women who don't actually know any working women, and just keep repeating the lie that jobs aren't important?

DP. I’m sorry but these are poor examples of people in jobs mattering, except for the teacher who is filling a stereotypically feminine, pseudo-maternal role in a child’s life.

To me the big question is - Is this guy generous in spirit? Is he fair? Does he seem to be emotionally in tune with you and how you’re doing and what you need?

Because if the answer is yes, I’m sure you can keep an open dialogue and work towards a team priority (overall family well-being, inclusive of your feelings).

If the answer is no, then you should walk away unless you are VERY aligned on life vision.

Anonymous wrote:I think the point is most jobs are just made up. They don't actually matter. It doesn't matter how well you do them, because it's meaningless.

This is what women without jobs say to justify not having a job. If it helps you sleep at night, sure....

I work in the climate change sector, on the finance side - so I am directly contributing to renewable energy projects being built. My best friend is a veterinarian and literally saves the lives of pets. My other best friend is a teacher; a friend's daughter ended up in her class this year, and has literally changed the daughter's life, because she has connected so well with her teacher, which has been much needed in light of the mental health challenges this girl has recently had (brother with cancer). My best friend from college is a researcher in a biology field. All the women I'm good friends with have meaningful jobs that impact people around them.

Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong people. Perhaps an echo chamber of non-working women who don't actually know any working women, and just keep repeating the lie that jobs aren't important?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you marry someone who doesn’t want you to succeed to your fullest?
For you to be your best self?
He’s a non confident shit move on.

That is the issue. Some people don't see climbing the corporate ladder as a measure of success. No one's tombstone reads "Larlo was the best CFO" and the odds of any one of your coworkers showing up at your funeral 25 years later is slim to none. Work is a mean's to an end not a measurement of importance or self worth.

I just recently went to the funeral of a well-known trauma surgeon in my area, and I can assure you that many of his colleagues and patients were there, and his success as a surgeon was a huge part of his life.

I went to another funeral last year of a man who started a charity providing food, laundry, hairdressing, toys, etc. to people in the community who couldn’t afford it. He had a history of addiction and employed only recovering addicts. MANY of his co-workers and people he employed came to the funeral, and there was a huge emphasis on his work.

Of course your work matters!

+1

I have recently attended retirement parties for a submarine captain and long-time school teacher, both with many decades dedicated to their jobs. There were tons of people at both parties who spoke to how much those people had shaped them and affected their lives.