Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 14:06     Subject: When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who often talks about how hard it is to be a single mom, her Instagram and Facebook posts talk about the work involved in raising a child on her own.
However, she has her child no more than three or four days a week, she has 50-50 custody with her ex who is very involved in the child’s life and often has him four or five days a week due to sports logistics etc.
She is single, she is a mom, but she has more free time in a week then I get in two months.

Just a rant.





This would bother me too. My dad died right before I was born so I was raised only by my mom who also then got cancer. It was rough and hard for her and she never had a break. We had family but they barely helped and it would irritate me to have a friend say this on social media or to my face.

Have you talked to her about it? And say you understand but as someone who was actually raised by a single mother it is upsetting to you since the children have an equal parent and she only takes care of her kids a 50% if the time?

Or just unfriend or block her and cut her out of your life.

I had a friend who got divorced and she is like this too. Cried about being a single mother but gets the kids 50% if the time only and gets to share her husband’s nanny so she isn’t even watching her kids 50% of the time. She was complaining to me one of the many times so I told her “remember I grew up with an actual single mother. She had no help couldn’t drop me off for a few days and didn’t have a nanny or anyone to help. On top of that she got cancer and I don’t ever remember her complaining. I understand you’re dealing with a lot but when you come to me and talk about being a single mother it brings up the fact I was raise by an actual single mother. I feel for you but think you should talk to a therapist or another friend about it and not vent to me.” She didn’t get it so I don’t talk to her anymore. It also wasn’t an occasional thing, every time I saw her or got a text it was complaining about being a single mother which she is not.



PP, YOU could talk to OP's friend about the use of her term and the possible insensitivity of it. OP can't because she's not a single mom and doesn't have a right to be offended.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 14:06     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:Just like in the marriages described by the envious here, two divorced parents that are present in a child's life is not the same as both parents taking care of the emotional, schooling, financial, etc needs of the child EQUALLY. I know a mom whose ex has the kid according to a 50-50 custody schedule, but the ex doesn't contribute financially, hardly feeds the kid, doesn't wash the kid's clothes at his apartment, makes the kid sleep in the living room (since there is only one bedroom), etc. etc. She has to do all of the invisible labor of planning and so forth, signing the kid up for things at school, doctor's appointments, and so forth. Plus she has to constantly remind the ex of when he has to pick up the kid, because sometimes he just....forgets.

So I guess it's great that she's got a couple evenings off a week? Definitely a situation to envy.


I know several women with the type of scenario above who i definitely call "single moms". Their exes are dirtbags who can barely function, and while they have 50-50 on paper (to avoid child support), certainly aren't doing 50 percent of the parenting.

So yeah, OP's friend can talk about how hard it is, because there are strong odds that her ex is a POS.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 14:04     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.


Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?


How is this different from a SAHM whose spouse is at work long hours or on travel for weeks at a time? Neither situation is at all the same as a single mom who is entirely alone in the parental part of the equation.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 14:01     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Get over it.

Analyze why this matters to you.


I was pretty clear, she gets more free time in a week then I get in two months yet she’s adopted the persona of a beleaguered single mom doing it all on her own. I’ve noticed others do it as well.
I was raised by a single mom, my father removed himself to the other side of the country, I watched her work two jobs and completely forgo a social life to keep a roof over our heads, my mother was a single mother. My friend is a part-timer at best but likes to play the part. that’s what bothers me.


So rich single moms with a nanny are NOT single moms?

You have a chip on your shoulder about this one person, figure out why. It will help with your mental health.


A co-parenting Dad is not an employee like a nanny. No equivalence there whatsoever. Starting with Dad contributes financially, so cost positive; whereas nanny is paid, so a cost negative. Dad has a say and must be negotiated with and shares responsibility for decisions and consequences; nanny does what she's told and all responsibility falls on mom. Dad has a legal responsibility; nanny can quit. Co-parents have regular days of cost-free no childcare responsibility; single moms never do. The differences go on and on.

Coparenting with the child's father who just doesn't live in the same house is not the same as single mom, no father involved, with childcare.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:58     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:You’re not a single parent if there is another parent actively involved in raising the kids at the same time as you. Regardless of your romantic status.


Fixed it for you.

Why do you insist on begrudging a divorced mom the hardship of being the solo parent every time they have their kids?
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:57     Subject: When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:So many married moms have delusional romantic visions of what it's like to be a single mom. Misplaced envy.

For all you married moms who need a break - take one, don't be a martyr. Pay for a babysitter for one. But don't crap on single moms who likely face challenges you have no idea about.

No, I think married moms are making the point that being a divorced mom who has 3-4 days “off” per week is easier than being the primary everything every day. Certainly not having a partner or compartment is infinitely harder. No married mother thinks an actual single mother (not a half-time mom) is an easy life.


Except that there are a million reasons it's not?

Your kids have to deal with living in two households with two sets of rules. There could be step-siblings or step-parents involved. Parenting with your ex could be very difficult. Not having your children with you on special days could be heartbreaking. Having your kids alone every time you have them isn't easy.

I'm a married mom but I have enough empathy and understanding to not say something as stupid as what you did. Come on.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:52     Subject: When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who often talks about how hard it is to be a single mom, her Instagram and Facebook posts talk about the work involved in raising a child on her own.
However, she has her child no more than three or four days a week, she has 50-50 custody with her ex who is very involved in the child’s life and often has him four or five days a week due to sports logistics etc.
She is single, she is a mom, but she has more free time in a week then I get in two months.

Just a rant.






Everyone has their hard. Never good to compare. Plus who cares? Maybe for this type of rant you type it up and then delete so you can get it out of your system.


OP wants to make sure her friend doesn't get any sympathy for only having her kids part of the time. Because OP has to take care of her kids all the time and deserves pity!
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:52     Subject: When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:She is single mother on days when she has the kid. You also feel like a single mother if you are married but are responsible for the bulk of child care.

A woman who is divorced and her ex is pretty much absent, or is raising kids fully on her own with no current or ex husband or partner, probably looks at both of you thinks you’re just spoiled.


You can feel however you want but if you're married it's really gross for you to call yourself a single parent. Better to find some self-respect and just get divorced. And then you can call yourself a single parent.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:48     Subject: When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:OP that's a divorced mom, not a single mom.


The only people who are allowed to opine on the definition of the term single mother are single mothers themselves.

So if you are a widow who hasn't remarried or the child's father was never in the picture or he left fully at some point and the notion of someone else who shares custody calling themselves a single mother upsets/offends/insults you, then that is valid.

But if you're the OP who doesn't have enough free time because her husband is useless, then kindly STFU.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:44     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:Slightly different take on answering the question, but it’s ridiculous when married parents use the term “single parenting” for when one of the spouses are out of town for work or a girls or guys trip. It’s almost disrespectful to real single parents.


I agree with this. I would never say I was a single mom when my husband is out of town.

But if you always go to sleep without your child's parent in the house with you, then you're a single parent, whether you have them all the time or not. You are literally parenting them alone when you have them. Anyone who gets annoyed by that needs to check themselves and figure out their own situation.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:42     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Just like in the marriages described by the envious here, two divorced parents that are present in a child's life is not the same as both parents taking care of the emotional, schooling, financial, etc needs of the child EQUALLY. I know a mom whose ex has the kid according to a 50-50 custody schedule, but the ex doesn't contribute financially, hardly feeds the kid, doesn't wash the kid's clothes at his apartment, makes the kid sleep in the living room (since there is only one bedroom), etc. etc. She has to do all of the invisible labor of planning and so forth, signing the kid up for things at school, doctor's appointments, and so forth. Plus she has to constantly remind the ex of when he has to pick up the kid, because sometimes he just....forgets.

So I guess it's great that she's got a couple evenings off a week? Definitely a situation to envy.


One can acknowledge that her situation sounds crappy while also acknowledging that she isn’t actually a single mother.


But she is single and a mother, and therefore a single mother. OP's issue is purely that she wants something that her 'friend' has, and is taking issue with the 'friend's' use of the term 'single mother' because she is envious.


She is single AND she is a mother. She is not a “single mother” - the words together mean something different than they do individually.

Is your 90 year old grandmother living by herself without a romantic partner a single mother? After all, she is single, and she is a mother.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:39     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:I have a similar setup as your friend. And I still consider myself a single mom. Nobody else is going half on my household bills. I go to bed alone every night. Although my ex has them frequently, I am the one handling logistics of appointments and issues at school. I am very much a single mom.

But I don't complain about it much. I value my alone time and realize I have a great life that other moms don't get to have. I go out with friends a lot and live a pretty typical 30 year old life when my kids aren't with me.

Doesn't mean I'm not a single mother.


You are not a single mother. You are co-parenting with your ex.

You can consider yourself a single mother if you like, but you are wrong.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:25     Subject: Re:When can you call yourself a single mother?
I have a similar setup as your friend. And I still consider myself a single mom. Nobody else is going half on my household bills. I go to bed alone every night. Although my ex has them frequently, I am the one handling logistics of appointments and issues at school. I am very much a single mom.

But I don't complain about it much. I value my alone time and realize I have a great life that other moms don't get to have. I go out with friends a lot and live a pretty typical 30 year old life when my kids aren't with me.

Doesn't mean I'm not a single mother.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:01     Subject: When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who often talks about how hard it is to be a single mom, her Instagram and Facebook posts talk about the work involved in raising a child on her own.
However, she has her child no more than three or four days a week, she has 50-50 custody with her ex who is very involved in the child’s life and often has him four or five days a week due to sports logistics etc.
She is single, she is a mom, but she has more free time in a week then I get in two months.

Just a rant.



You have a husband problem. That's not your friend's fault.
Anonymous
Post 10/21/2024 13:00     Subject: When can you call yourself a single mother?
Anonymous wrote:When the father has minimal custody (like over the summer or a few times per year or less) and doesn't really help financially. Otherwise you are a coparent. Hell, "single parenting" 50% of the time sounds like a freakin' vacation compared to my life. I fantasize about it often.


I can't imagine not seeing my kids for half the week every week (or only one week every other week). Luckily I'm happily married, but to say you fantasize about not having your kids half the time seems a bit flippant and kind of rude. It has killed my friends who had to do this (divorce not by their choice).