Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 16:22     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:The dysfunction runs deep in certain communities. How can you not be bothered to get something for your kids if you are living together?


Dysfunction?
She's 17, not 7.
Teens are not only capable of feeding themselves, they should be learning to prepare their own food and fending for themselves so they can live on their own when they leave the house. Teaching kids to be independent is part of parenting. And kids taking care of some household tasks is part of being a functional family.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 16:20     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel like if someone had written this letter about their spouse working late and they'd gone out with their friends and the spouse had asked the poster to grab some carryout people would tell the poster to do it. Being nice to someone who's been working seems like extremely normal thing to do.


That's basically where I am. OP's child sounds like a good kid. At 17, she's working double shifts, and getting an AA. I would do whatever I could to be supportive of her. It's the right thing to do. It's not like she was lazing around in bed, or playing video games all day long.


Presumably, being supportive includes the roof over her head and paying for most expenses and having food in the house from which she can find something to eat when she comes home and finds nobody home and no plate warming in the oven for her. She's 17 and, as people have so adeptly pointed out, responsible and hardworking. She can pop some popcorn or make a sandwich or heat up leftovers from a previous dinner. It would be faster than waiting for her parents to get home with her dinner.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 16:15     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
The dysfunction runs deep in certain communities. How can you not be bothered to get something for your kids if you are living together?
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 16:15     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.


Response to 17 year old daughter: "that's right."
End of story.
Sequel: next time you go out to dinner, give her a heads-up so she can pick something up on her way home from her double shift.


PS: I don't know what to say about your 24 year old. I hope he's not still living at home with you if he has the same expectations.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 16:13     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:Hi, my husband and I went to a local restaurant last night. Our 17-year-old daughter called us as we were leaving, after her day at work. She asked what we ate and if we could bring her something. We told her the kitchen had just closed. She told me "You mean I worked a double and I'm coming home to no dinner" We have gone out to eat a lot with all 3 of our children through the years and have also brought carryout most times home for them when they didn't go. We decided that needs to change. Today, I asked my 24-year-old son what he thought he stated his opinion which agreed with her. He told me all the parents he knows bring carryout home for their kids when they go out. Are we living in a cloud? Do most parents do that? I thought we were being extra kind when we do that, but it is expected. A little insight would be great. BTW - we are late 50's, early 60's and are not in touch with alot of parents of teens.


Response to 17 year old daughter: "that's right."
End of story.
Sequel: next time you go out to dinner, give her a heads-up so she can pick something up on her way home from her double shift.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:57     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
You don't have to bring home restaurant food, but it would have been courteous to give your DD a heads up like "hey, Dad and I are going out for dinner tonight; there's leftover spaghetti/frozen pizza/sandwich fixings if you don't feel like cooking when you get home."
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:38     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.


So you have been training him from the time he was 7 years old to know that he can’t rely on you. I know you think this is a parenting flex, but I think it’s depressing.


Right? Exactly. You’ve communicated your kid is an after thought.


DP. My 13 year old loves to cook. He would be excited about the chance to prepare his own dinner.

My older kid is somewhat helpless in the kitchen and I worry about her a lot more. Self-reliance with practical skills is a wonderful gift to give your children.


You can teach your kids to cook without communicating that it’s their responsibility, as kids, to cook for themselves.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:36     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
+1 to don’t bring dinner home anymore and +1 to tell your kids what the plan is for dinner, whether it’s “warm up leftovers”, “look in the crockpot” or “figure it out”.

I have teens and I never once brought home takeaway food, and my kids have never asked for it, but the primary reason is that they would be eating the stair rail and sofa cushions if they had to wait for us to return from dinner out. They eat right at 730 pm after sports practice and we are never back that early from dinner out.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:27     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.


So you have been training him from the time he was 7 years old to know that he can’t rely on you. I know you think this is a parenting flex, but I think it’s depressing.


Right? Exactly. You’ve communicated your kid is an after thought.


DP. My 13 year old loves to cook. He would be excited about the chance to prepare his own dinner.

My older kid is somewhat helpless in the kitchen and I worry about her a lot more. Self-reliance with practical skills is a wonderful gift to give your children.


Meh, this is just a justification. My kid has her own money and can feed herself. But I would never just ignore her to make some point that I'm not longer responsible for her. I'd include her in my communications just as I would to my DH, or anyone staying with me.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:12     Subject: Re:Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:My son works until late and gets home around 10pm.

If i go out to eat I send him the link to the restaurant and say do you want me to get you something.

25% of the time he says yes, most the time he says no...

but really most things are not open at 10pm and I don't expect him to come home at 10 and start cooking.

He also texts me, i'm stopping at chipotle/cave/chic-fil-a/whatever do you want me to get something for you?

I think these communications are pretty normal family interactions.


I posted earlier that I Venmo my senior $$ if I don't have dinner so he can pick something up, but he too, will always ask if I want something if he's randomly picking something up after work. Consideration goes both ways.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:07     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
This thread reminds me of when I was living and working in South Carolina. My husband got a job as a Golf Course Superintendent.

My husband and his laborers would have to go to work at 6:00 am. Most of the laborers were young guys in their 20's.

The laborers Mom's got up every morning I'm guessing around 4:00 am to cook full country breakfasts before their sons went off to work.

My husband asked why he did not get the same.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:07     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.


So you have been training him from the time he was 7 years old to know that he can’t rely on you. I know you think this is a parenting flex, but I think it’s depressing.


Right? Exactly. You’ve communicated your kid is an after thought.


DP. My 13 year old loves to cook. He would be excited about the chance to prepare his own dinner.

My older kid is somewhat helpless in the kitchen and I worry about her a lot more. Self-reliance with practical skills is a wonderful gift to give your children.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 15:02     Subject: Re:Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
I've raised 3 daughters ages 29,27 and 18 and dh and I have gone out to eat numerous times without them and never once would our girls expect us to bring them home food. We have a fully stocked fridge and pantry for them to eat at home.

No you are not expected to bring her home food even at 17. Just because she works and goes to school does not entitle her to expect something in this case food from you when you go out. It's all about the tone and from what you wrote it came off as entitled and spoiled. If she is hungry she can get takeout herself or make something at home. Prepare her now because once she's on her own God forbid she may have to cook for herself after getting home and working.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 12:22     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.


So you have been training him from the time he was 7 years old to know that he can’t rely on you. I know you think this is a parenting flex, but I think it’s depressing.


Right? Exactly. You’ve communicated your kid is an after thought.
Anonymous
Post 09/23/2024 12:11     Subject: Daughter & Son expect carryout when we go out
Anonymous wrote:If my kid came home and there was no dinner, he’d make something for himself. Not a big deal. He wouldn’t expect that I would bring him food. He’s capable of making his own because I taught him starting around age 7-8.


So you have been training him from the time he was 7 years old to know that he can’t rely on you. I know you think this is a parenting flex, but I think it’s depressing.