Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

American moms these days are trying to grow and change. We are confronting generational trauma and sharing our experiences, not just “getting on with it”.

Is part of confronting generational trauma learning to think without massive stereotypes? Because I think you have more work to do.

And you think it’s a good idea to launch into confronting generational trauma that before checking to see the mood? I’m American, and I’d rather share a laugh on a Friday afternoon and confront trauma on Monday morning. That’s what empathy does: it helps you realize things like adjusting for context.

Anonymous wrote:I'm from the UK and I've found that one real barrier to making friends here (or rather to having deeper friendships) has been this one - what seems to be cultural - difference around sharing parenting challenges. In the UK it's tacitly understood for the most part that if you share something that's hard about parenting, unless you specifically ask, you're not looking for advice but more so solidarity or to laugh about it or just to share and feel less alone or incompetent. Among the moms at my kids school I find almost universally that if i share something that's hard, they give me advice. For me personally it's a real barrier to friendships bc a. I often don't need or want advice per se and b. it sort of stops any kind of bonding or even really conversation in its tracks.
Is this an american cultural thing where if someone shares something hard it's assumed they want input or is my school different in some way? would love to find a tribe that I can laugh about my kids imitating youtubers rather than hear a 15 minute diatribe on how someone else is crushing it with not letting this happen.

American moms these days are trying to grow and change. We are confronting generational trauma and sharing our experiences, not just “getting on with it”.

For me the pet peeve is when moms give advice based on this premise that if you are struggling with X and they have never struggled with X then they must know more about and be better at X than you. It's just such flawed logic. There might be times when it's true but usually it's just that they have a different kind of kid who has different sorts of issues.

I have an extremely picky eater (has been diagnosed with an eating disorder at age 7) and I've learned to simply never mention this to other parents unless absolutely necessary because people LOVE to give you their advice on picky eating and they don't get that my kid's picky eating is not of the "ugh lasagna again" variety. It's of the "I'm scared of foods that aren't white or brown and the texture of about 70% of all foods makes me gag" variety. Like I do not need your insight on how you got your kid to eat sushi by promising them ice cream and I REALLY don't need to be lectured on stuff like avoiding added sugars or how important vegetables are.

It sucks because it's the kind of thing it would actually be great to be able to vent about because it is stressful and I'd love to be able to get moral support from other moms. But outside of close friends who have a lot of knowledge about what we've been through in this complaining about it to other moms usually just gets me a bunch of condescending advice that is completely useless to me because they don't understand the nature of the problem but assume they do because they've had the experience of a kid turning down an offered meal before. They think my kid has an eating disorder because I didn't do baby led weaning or something (jokes on them -- I did do baby led weaning!). They don't get that they are just lucky not to have a kid with this issues.

Anonymous wrote:op - i think emotionally tone deaf is the key here.

It's absolutely not nationwide and it's absolutely also not like british women can't be super annoying for MANY reasons. It's also not like someone cant say when good things happen to them. I've realized through this thread it's the empathy 'step'. I think because brits are so self deprecating, they less commonly forget the empathy step whereas more of the moms from my kids school just blow past it. That makes the conversation feel transactional and also alienating. It makes me not want to hang out with them. I'm sure they dont care that I dont want to hang out, but I care bc I'm kind of lonely a lot and miss having a mom I can see at drop off and laugh or commiserate about something with. I can google advice.

Give it time, OP. You’ll find the people you’re looking for. The lawyer types are just so loud, they draw attention, but someday, you’ll find yourself at dropoff laughing with loads of great moms. They’re just a little less visible at first.

Anonymous wrote:op - i think emotionally tone deaf is the key here.

It's absolutely not nationwide and it's absolutely also not like british women can't be super annoying for MANY reasons. It's also not like someone cant say when good things happen to them. I've realized through this thread it's the empathy 'step'. I think because brits are so self deprecating, they less commonly forget the empathy step whereas more of the moms from my kids school just blow past it. That makes the conversation feel transactional and also alienating. It makes me not want to hang out with them. I'm sure they dont care that I dont want to hang out, but I care bc I'm kind of lonely a lot and miss having a mom I can see at drop off and laugh or commiserate about something with. I can google advice.

Brits aren’t self-deprecating because they are empathetic. They are self-deprecating because that’s the cool way to talk in that culture. Just like showing too much enthusiasm or excitement is American/gauche.

Doesn’t happen to me at all- it’s more shared solidarity.

-public school mom