*seep into my relationships

OP, I’ve tried therapy at three different periods in my life and found it helpful mostly at the margins. People I really respect have had great experiences in therapy, so maybe it was me, or maybe these were just the wrong therapists for me.

What has been profound — and I did not expect this — was meditation. Simply sitting for 20 minutes a day and trying to quiet my mind, and then failing utterly, has revealed to me all sorts of experiences I didn’t even realize I was having. There’s something really powerful about simply noticing one’s thoughts — the things I ruminate over, the nagging anxieties, etc.

And it turns out I was unable to notice my thoughts until I was actively trying to let them go.

It never, ever feels like anything in the moment. The experience is about trying to focus on something (breath, usually), and then realizing I’m thinking about something else entirely, and trying again, and failing again. And at the end of each session, I’m always like, “well, that was a bust.”

And yet somehow, it has done wonders. I’m more aware of my own triggers. I’m more aware of how my own issues deep into my relationships. I’m less reactive. I like people more. The world seems generally better.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

Agreed. I also don't know a single parent who ever decided that yelling at their kids and losing their temper when things got challenging was going to be the plan.

I'm sure there are some cold-blooded parents who do that, but I think to be able to never actually yell at your kids requires a similar type of sociopathy that would also allow you to intentionally yell at them.

Yelling at them was never an option. In a frustrating situation, I stay calm. On the rare occasions I felt anger surfacing, I walked away. This was standard from my kids' earliest days. They knew that when I walked away, they needed to get their act together and did so. If they were unable to, then I understood they needed something more. Patience, empathy and compassion go a long way with children.

I know adults like you in some very dysfunctional relationships. In fact, kids need to learn about anger, that it's not the end of the world, that it doesn't mean you're not loved, or even that you did something wrong. Losing your temper is a natural human emotion. Should it be done frequently? Of course not. Does losing your temper, apologizing, and showing what humanity looks like to your kids create healthy adults? Yep. Better than your fake AF way of life.

yup, everyone loses their temper and everyone makes mistakes or acts the wrong way.

teaching your kids its okay and that you can recover the situation with grace and love is FAR better than pretending you never get upset or make mistakes.

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Well yes , apparently you l did have to pay someone to tell you what you already knew but failed to do. And that made you mad bc she pointed out that the issue is you and your ability to manage time and you knew you needed to start the routine earlier and you didn’t etc.

If you are as self aware as you think upon reflection you would have told your DW I can see where I went wrong and next time I need to make sure to allow a lot more time.

So it doesn’t seem you are as self aware as you believe. That is also what your DW is seeing and why she keeps suggesting therapy. So the next therapist you go to ask for help with accepting you do things wrong and how to self reflect.

You missed the point of the anecdote.

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Anonymous wrote:You seem really hung up on the idea that therapy is going to be all about talking about your dad, even though many people have posted that lots of psychotherapies don’t delve into the past that way.

Did you read the OP or any of the rest of the thread?

My wife specifically believes I need to go to therapy to talk about my relationship with my father.

I have a hard time believing that if you were a contented calm person inside your house, your wife would continue to raise this.

Ok

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like she's saying you have anger issues and giving you a chance to own them and resolve them.

No, I think she thinks anything that doesn’t work in your life is something that needs to be unpacked.

I have no problem admitting I sometimes lose my temper. But I feel like the conversation with the therapist went like,

Me: sometimes I lose my temper with the kids.

Her: is it often?

Me: no, but more than I would like

Her: well what is usually happening when it happens?

Me: well, I’d say it typically happens on school mornings, if my wife had to leave early and, it’s like 10 minutes until we have to go leave and one kid is crying because they don’t want pizza for lunch and the other is refusing to put his shoes on and also just announced he broke his school issued laptop.

Her: hmmm well, that sound stressful

Me: yes

Her; have you considered maybe waking your children earlier or perhaps getting up earlier yourself or I help avoid these stressful crunch moments

Me: am I really paying for this?

Her: we’ll discuss next week that’s all the time we have


So, yeah,,, it feels like some Paxil and kids who put their shoes on when they’re supposed to would solve most of my problems.

Well yes , apparently you l did have to pay someone to tell you what you already knew but failed to do. And that made you mad bc she pointed out that the issue is you and your ability to manage time and you knew you needed to start the routine earlier and you didn’t etc.

If you are as self aware as you think upon reflection you would have told your DW I can see where I went wrong and next time I need to make sure to allow a lot more time.

So it doesn’t seem you are as self aware as you believe. That is also what your DW is seeing and why she keeps suggesting therapy. So the next therapist you go to ask for help with accepting you do things wrong and how to self reflect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The point of therapy is not to make you more aware of your issues, it's to help find strategies to address them and not just have your family be a dumping ground for them. Grow up, find a therapist and stop being ok with being a jerk to your wife and kids, even if you know you're being one.

Yeah, but I’m not okay with being a jerk to them and when I am, I’m aware of it and try not to do it. I guess that’s the thing I’m asking - why is there an assumption that I’m okay with anything and what is a therapist going to tell me, a mildly self aware person with a sense of right and wrong, is not going to already know?

Because if you've not figured out a way to get your kids out of the house without losing your shit, then you don't know or if you do, you've not actually figured out how to actually do it. So get some help and accept that you've not sorted it out

People who say getting kids out of the house in the morning is not stressful and something you can easily lose your cool over are liars. The question is WHY are they lying? Maybe therapy would help them?

In my case, I made the decision -long before having kids- that I would never yell at or lose patience with my children. Just took it right off the menu of potential responses to the stress of parenting. I married a like minded dh and we have older teens now. Neither of us has ever yelled at, hit or lost our patience with the kids -and they were challenging af for a variety of reasons. We now have kids who are able to regulate their emotions, who feel secure and loved and who woukd do anything we ask of them. Conversly, my dh and I both suffered profound neglect and abuse in childhood. One of us had therapy, the other hasn't felt a need from it. We've both been excellent parents, if I so say so myself.

I flatly don’t believe you’ve never lost your patience with your children.

Agreed. I also don't know a single parent who ever decided that yelling at their kids and losing their temper when things got challenging was going to be the plan.

I'm sure there are some cold-blooded parents who do that, but I think to be able to never actually yell at your kids requires a similar type of sociopathy that would also allow you to intentionally yell at them.

Yelling at them was never an option. In a frustrating situation, I stay calm. On the rare occasions I felt anger surfacing, I walked away. This was standard from my kids' earliest days. They knew that when I walked away, they needed to get their act together and did so. If they were unable to, then I understood they needed something more. Patience, empathy and compassion go a long way with children.

I know adults like you in some very dysfunctional relationships. In fact, kids need to learn about anger, that it's not the end of the world, that it doesn't mean you're not loved, or even that you did something wrong. Losing your temper is a natural human emotion. Should it be done frequently? Of course not. Does losing your temper, apologizing, and showing what humanity looks like to your kids create healthy adults? Yep. Better than your fake AF way of life.

Having read through this thread and your responses, I agree with your wife that you do need therapy and you don't have it all figure out as you think you do. However I agree with the therapist that you aren't ready for it.

I was also someone who avoided therapy for a while, and I was extremely self aware, my reason for avoidance was because I knew I wan't capable or ready to make the required changes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really hung up on the idea that therapy is going to be all about talking about your dad, even though many people have posted that lots of psychotherapies don’t delve into the past that way.

Did you read the OP or any of the rest of the thread?

My wife specifically believes I need to go to therapy to talk about my relationship with my father.

I have a hard time believing that if you were a contented calm person inside your house, your wife would continue to raise this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read this whole thread but …. My DH finally went to individual therapy when he realized that he wanted to behave differently but couldn’t. For example, he did not like that he was constantly frustrated with the kids and with me and with normal everyday life. Like OP, he didn’t yell or hit or curse, but it was clear to everyone that he was boiling under the surface. Kids felt it, I felt it, he knew he was doing it but couldn’t change.

Therapy helped him change. Helped him understand what caused him to be frustrated, patterns between me and him or him and the kids. He was able to change how he reacted to stressors and remain calm. I don’t know exactly what he talks about but I don’t think it is all or even primarily his childhood.

How did he find his therapist?

It's hard to find anyone, much less anyone good.

He found his therapist through a referral from my therapist. Referrals are the best way. But he unfortunately has to pay out of pocket bc therapist is not in network.

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read this whole thread but …. My DH finally went to individual therapy when he realized that he wanted to behave differently but couldn’t. For example, he did not like that he was constantly frustrated with the kids and with me and with normal everyday life. Like OP, he didn’t yell or hit or curse, but it was clear to everyone that he was boiling under the surface. Kids felt it, I felt it, he knew he was doing it but couldn’t change.

Therapy helped him change. Helped him understand what caused him to be frustrated, patterns between me and him or him and the kids. He was able to change how he reacted to stressors and remain calm. I don’t know exactly what he talks about but I don’t think it is all or even primarily his childhood.

How did he find his therapist?

It's hard to find anyone, much less anyone good.

Anonymous wrote:

Did you read the OP or any of the rest of the thread?

My wife specifically believes I need to go to therapy to talk about my relationship with my father.

Just because that’s what your wife thinks you need to talk about doesn’t mean that’s what you have to or need to talk about. It would be your therapy, not hers, so you decide the focus.

Then you're on my side—I find meditation, focusing on my parenting skills and exercise to be my "therapy".

I haven’t read this whole thread but …. My DH finally went to individual therapy when he realized that he wanted to behave differently but couldn’t. For example, he did not like that he was constantly frustrated with the kids and with me and with normal everyday life. Like OP, he didn’t yell or hit or curse, but it was clear to everyone that he was boiling under the surface. Kids felt it, I felt it, he knew he was doing it but couldn’t change.

Therapy helped him change. Helped him understand what caused him to be frustrated, patterns between me and him or him and the kids. He was able to change how he reacted to stressors and remain calm. I don’t know exactly what he talks about but I don’t think it is all or even primarily his childhood.

Did you read the OP or any of the rest of the thread?

My wife specifically believes I need to go to therapy to talk about my relationship with my father.

Just because that’s what your wife thinks you need to talk about doesn’t mean that’s what you have to or need to talk about. It would be your therapy, not hers, so you decide the focus.

Anonymous wrote:I do not like therapy. I don’t need to rehash my life with anyone.

OP, it seems you and your wife need to brush up on parenting skills. I’m sure she has dealt with morning meltdowns and not been happy either. There must be consequences and incentives for kids who won’t listen. You need to discuss this with your wife, not a therapist.

Hang in there!

Thanks... I also want to be super clear, the reason I gave therapy a shot was not because I can't handle my kids. That was an example of a conversation I had with my therapist that I found particularly unhelpful. I described a relatively common issue that I thought would be universally accepted as an example of something everyone recognizes and was making the point I got an extremely pedestrian response that frankly I had long ago arrived at and didn't need to be paying a couple hundred bucks for. I should've used the example of how I felt unusually irritated at how often my bike chain was skipping and could've saved myself two pages of posts about my child abuse.