Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Lots of kids are bright in public without enrichment. Why is this kid being bullied at multiple schools and why is he so violent.

I don't know. He hadn't shown any signs of violence when we had the neuropsych eval done, so we weren't able to raise that concern then. He doesn't play video games, period (something he's teased about), so it's not something he picked up there. I don't know where he got the idea that shoving someone was ok - I would have rather he'd let himself be tripped again and lost another tooth, as horrible as that sounds.

Well, no mystery where the weanie behavior comes from. This comment along with the "he took the dentist like a champ" and the "I don't want to talk about bullying, just give me a magical fix so I won't feel bad about driving my crying son to school" is probably the saddest thing I've read on DCUM. This boy is doing everything he can to please his mother, but he just can't stomach being assaulted and bullied anymore. OP, why do you hate your son? Let me guess, gender disappointment?

I don't want him to end up in jail. Just look at the posters here calling him violent and saying he should loose more teeth rather than stick up for himself. Like it or not, that's how society thinks, and it doesn't bode well for his future.

No, this is how one segment of society thinks, but not most. You know what I think? I think, good for him for standing up for himself. I understand why the school has to take a hardline approach but that's an administrative issue and not yours. He is not a bad kid just because he got suspended for a minor thing that in the past would have been a big nothing. My 10 year old boy got an agitated call and email home from the teacher because she caught him reading a book in class instead of doing his math problems (which he had already finished). Of course he should not have been doing that, but neither does it warrant a call home. We told him not to do it again, but we did not punish him for it. The teacher had every right to tell him off, and she did, and that is sufficient punishment for an incredibly minor offense.

I think you should in fact put your kid in martial arts. It's a great way to learn both self-discipline and self-confidence. It's not going to teach him to be violent, it will teach him to control himself and channel his physical impulses - which most of us have - and give him self-confidence and an outlet for physical activity. Even non-sporty kids like to move and need to move. This isn't Karate Kid, he is not going to learn to beat some other kid into the ground. He'll just learn to stretch, and do situps and pushups, and kick and punch the air. Find a good, reputable place - a place that focuses entirely on one martial art, like Tae Kwon Do or Aikido - and doesn't promise a black belt in 3 years or tournaments or any schlock that seems ridiculous.

And yeah, let him play some non-violent beginner video games like Prodigy. I get you on that, I loathe video games too, and very reluctantly have let my kids progress in them a bit because it really is social currency and mostly because their same-age cousins do it and we see them often so it would create serious family awkwardness to say no. Prodigy is pretty decent. Minecraft is actually not bad. The Nintendo stuff, which my older kid likes, is worse, but no worse than the games I played as a kid (anyone remember shooting animals on Oregon Trail?). There is much more violent stuff out there but he is not allowed to play it. Fortnite is a hard no at age 10.

This is hard, OP. You're doing your best. Hopefully you have some good camps set up so he can have an enjoyable summer and maybe a fresh start in the fall.

Anonymous wrote:What I left out was that we had a neuropsych eval done in 3rd, thinking maybe he had ASD. He doesn't - but he did test gifted. Smart, nerdy, shy, and unathletic was a nightmare in this particular cohort, so we felt justified in putting him in public. We were told this was the best choice for him academically.

Unfortunately, his public wouldn't accept his wisc results and required the cogat for placement, which he bombed, so he's not receiving any kind of academic enrichment here. Long story short, he resents us for promising a challenge and wants to go back to his private (where the bullying was BAD but never "loose a tooth bad). He never had behavioral issues there minus crying over the bullying.

Get an advocate

Anonymous wrote:Home school

This is what we did and my DD is actually happy and learning, and she knows that I will protect her. There is nothing at public school that you can't access later if you think your child missed it. What is 100 times harder to fix later is their mental and physical health.

Nothing that is happening in public schools is worth compromising your child's wellbeing over. Today's schools are basically a cesspool of awful behavior, unhappy teachers, low standards, and mediocre education.

Anonymous wrote:Op, this isn’t typical school refusal. For my kid, who has lots of friends at school, there is an issue with transition and separation that leads to anxiety and refusal. But there wasn’t a problem at school. We could talk about how she was safe there and identify safe people like a supportive teacher and administrator that she could seek out upon arrival to ease the transition. The school was supportive of that. We also worked with her on tolerating the anxiety better. Things have improved so much.

None of that would work for your kid. He isn’t safe at school. He doesn’t have friends and the teachers and administrators don’t have his back.

I might lean into that a bit in helping him cope with the next few weeks. “I know this is awful. It makes sense that you’re so upset. I wish we had other options for right now. We need to finish this school year at this school. How can we help make that more tolerable for you? In the meantime, let’s start working together to come up with a plan for next year.”

What incentives does he respond to? How can you give some sparks of joy outside of school? Is there a friend from his rec sport you guys can invite to do something after the activity this weekend? Does he want to do one of those indoor sky diving things? Go for ice cream on Fridays? Absolutely lean in to supporting him within your family unit. And let him play video games!

I agree with all of this, except it's May 17th! There are only like 3-4 weeks left of school, with really probably only 2 involving any actual learning. Just pull him out for the year. Poor kid!

Home school

Op, this isn’t typical school refusal. For my kid, who has lots of friends at school, there is an issue with transition and separation that leads to anxiety and refusal. But there wasn’t a problem at school. We could talk about how she was safe there and identify safe people like a supportive teacher and administrator that she could seek out upon arrival to ease the transition. The school was supportive of that. We also worked with her on tolerating the anxiety better. Things have improved so much.

None of that would work for your kid. He isn’t safe at school. He doesn’t have friends and the teachers and administrators don’t have his back.

I might lean into that a bit in helping him cope with the next few weeks. “I know this is awful. It makes sense that you’re so upset. I wish we had other options for right now. We need to finish this school year at this school. How can we help make that more tolerable for you? In the meantime, let’s start working together to come up with a plan for next year.”

What incentives does he respond to? How can you give some sparks of joy outside of school? Is there a friend from his rec sport you guys can invite to do something after the activity this weekend? Does he want to do one of those indoor sky diving things? Go for ice cream on Fridays? Absolutely lean in to supporting him within your family unit. And let him play video games!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

This. Anxiety, the way the term is generally used, is a disproportionate fear of harm or a fear response to a perceived, rather than actual, risk.

This kid is having a proportionate response to actual risks. This situation is horrific.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to work on your kids self esteem so he doesn’t easily become a target.
1. Homeschool him for the rest of the year.
2. Put him in a karate class asap especially one that has a bully curriculum.
3. Does he have a dad or male involved in his life? His dad needs to spend one on one time with him. Get him involved in Boy Scouts.
4. Practice the cogat tests with him over the summer and request that he is retested in the fall. Make sure he’s not in the bully kids class.

Homeschooling will NOT reduce school refusal or increase his confidence. Pleasr y’all just educate yourselves a tiny bit on the basic principles of handling anxiety and school refusal.

I would love to see your peer reviewed studies on psychological outcomes of children being forced into environments where they are being heavily bullied and physically assaulted.

there’s no evidence he’s being “heavily bullied” and OP’s story is that he is refusing because he’s embarrassed by the suspension, embarrassed even to go to therapy out of some kind of fear of others finding out, and also got bullied at his last school. All evidence points to anxious maladaptive coping by this kid, which yes, will only be compounded by letting him stay home. All of the literature on school refusal indicates correlation with mood disorders like anxiety, and every intervention is aimed at getting the child back into school.

This organization has good information: https://schoolavoidance.org/blog/

Having a tooth knocked out and then being threatened with the same isn't being heavily bullied? This sh!t wouldn't fly in a prison.

I don't understand why you (OP) haven't sued the bully's family. You have the loss of the tooth and its long-term cosmetic effects, the dental bill, the therapy, the pain and suffering and mental anguish, etc.

This is an expensive proposition. They should be paying up.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And while I appreciate everyone's comments on the bullying, I'm really more concerned about the school refusal at this point. DS is humiliated by the suspension, by the fact no one seems willing to forget about it, and he's terrified this other child will hurt him again. He went to school today, but he cried all the way there.

We've had meetings (DH is involved). The principal insists DS is taking things harder than he should. His therapist is working with him, but DS is so afraid his classmates will find out he needed therapy and use that to bully him further that he doesn't participate well.

You need to present a clear and united front that DS goes to school, crying or not. Your son sounds very anxious and you cannot over accomodate otherwise he’ll end up refusing all school.

He's not anxious, he has a justifiable fear of physical injury.

Look, the other kid tripped him - he didn’t actually threaten him with a gun. It’s not great and should be addressed, but you do not let your kid stay home because he is “scared.”

He got his adult tooth knocked out of his head. If you tripped an adult in a bar and knocked their tooth out, would you be surprised if the cops came and you got a free ride to the police station? This kid is being subjected to physical violence and society pretends it is ok because the setting is free childcare. That kid has a legitimate fear of being violently assaulted and it is unreasonable to expect him to brush it off, especially when he is being forced back into that environment against his will. The term anxiety implies a fear out of proportion to the situation, which is absolutely not the case here.

They aren’t adults in a bar fight. They are 10 year olds. And yes, 10 year olds need to brush stuff off. If you magnify the drama of this then the kid will respond in kind, with drama.

NP. You’ve been all over this thread, spewing a twisted view of what happened to OP’s kid. You’re a sick, damaged sack. And sorry to disappoint, I am not OP and haven’t dealt with this particular difficulty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to work on your kids self esteem so he doesn’t easily become a target.
1. Homeschool him for the rest of the year.
2. Put him in a karate class asap especially one that has a bully curriculum.
3. Does he have a dad or male involved in his life? His dad needs to spend one on one time with him. Get him involved in Boy Scouts.
4. Practice the cogat tests with him over the summer and request that he is retested in the fall. Make sure he’s not in the bully kids class.

Homeschooling will NOT reduce school refusal or increase his confidence. Pleasr y’all just educate yourselves a tiny bit on the basic principles of handling anxiety and school refusal.

I would love to see your peer reviewed studies on psychological outcomes of children being forced into environments where they are being heavily bullied and physically assaulted.

there’s no evidence he’s being “heavily bullied” and OP’s story is that he is refusing because he’s embarrassed by the suspension, embarrassed even to go to therapy out of some kind of fear of others finding out, and also got bullied at his last school. All evidence points to anxious maladaptive coping by this kid, which yes, will only be compounded by letting him stay home. All of the literature on school refusal indicates correlation with mood disorders like anxiety, and every intervention is aimed at getting the child back into school.

This organization has good information: https://schoolavoidance.org/blog/

OK so you have zero peer reviewed studies showing a bullied kid who has been seriously physically assaulted will do better when forced back to the same school where the bully hasn't even been removed from the classroom, just a literally mommy blog, which doesn't even address that extreme scenario. If I posted a Homeschool Defence League study on how awesome homeschooling is I'm sure you would object.

I have no idea how you have read this whole thread and said there is no evidence the boy is being severely bullied. I would think getting a tooth knocked out would obviously meet the definition of that.

I actually do like your advice to consult a psychologist who specializes in school refusal. OP will probably be shocked with the psychologist tells her that school environment is toxic to his mental health. Why do I think s/he will come to that conclusion? Because I have obstetric trauma induced PTSD and no therapist or psychiatrist has told me "Yeah, just get pregnant again and power through it, it will make you stronger! In fact, you should get pregnant tomorrow!!!!!!! LOL GOOD LUCK"

Again, the term anxiety implies a maladaptive fear response out of proportion to the situation, which is absolutely not the case. It is absolutely adaptive for this kid to fear the bully and to be scared around him because he has already been seriously assaulted by him.

A school refusal psychologist is absolutely not going to recommend pulling the kid from school to to anxiety. 100% not going to happen. Theres a TON of literature on school refusal and zero of it recommends pulling kids from school. It recommends getting them back into school.

“ According to clinicians and researchers dedicated to school avoidance, exposure therapy is a first-line treatment that helps kids get back to school and has shown sustainable long-term results”

https://schoolavoidance.org/modes-of-therapy/

Then post the study that applies to a kid who's had their tooth knocked out and whose bully hasn't been removed from the classroom.

You're wrong about the psychologist. I would bet a $100 bill.

Read up on exposure therapy, you're supposed to do a *tiny* bit gradually, not throw them into a room with somebody who knocked their tooth out for 6 hours a day, 5 days a week (sounds like prison, to be honest, scratch that, in prison the assaulter would be criminally charged). You're not even reading your own sources.

The primary end point of these studies should be overall functioning, mental health (especially self harm), academic achievement, social skills *NOT* getting back to school. That is a mother-serving outcome, not a child-serving outcome. Of course if you force a kid into school they will go to more school. That is so stupid, to be perfectly frank, what a dumb circular argument study, from the """experts""". Of course, all these studies are conducted by working mothers, so.......

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to work on your kids self esteem so he doesn’t easily become a target.
1. Homeschool him for the rest of the year.
2. Put him in a karate class asap especially one that has a bully curriculum.
3. Does he have a dad or male involved in his life? His dad needs to spend one on one time with him. Get him involved in Boy Scouts.
4. Practice the cogat tests with him over the summer and request that he is retested in the fall. Make sure he’s not in the bully kids class.

Homeschooling will NOT reduce school refusal or increase his confidence. Pleasr y’all just educate yourselves a tiny bit on the basic principles of handling anxiety and school refusal.

I would love to see your peer reviewed studies on psychological outcomes of children being forced into environments where they are being heavily bullied and physically assaulted.

there’s no evidence he’s being “heavily bullied” and OP’s story is that he is refusing because he’s embarrassed by the suspension, embarrassed even to go to therapy out of some kind of fear of others finding out, and also got bullied at his last school. All evidence points to anxious maladaptive coping by this kid, which yes, will only be compounded by letting him stay home. All of the literature on school refusal indicates correlation with mood disorders like anxiety, and every intervention is aimed at getting the child back into school.

This organization has good information: https://schoolavoidance.org/blog/

OK so you have zero peer reviewed studies showing a bullied kid who has been seriously physically assaulted will do better when forced back to the same school where the bully hasn't even been removed from the classroom, just a literally mommy blog, which doesn't even address that extreme scenario. If I posted a Homeschool Defence League study on how awesome homeschooling is I'm sure you would object.

I have no idea how you have read this whole thread and said there is no evidence the boy is being severely bullied. I would think getting a tooth knocked out would obviously meet the definition of that.

I actually do like your advice to consult a psychologist who specializes in school refusal. OP will probably be shocked with the psychologist tells her that school environment is toxic to his mental health. Why do I think s/he will come to that conclusion? Because I have obstetric trauma induced PTSD and no therapist or psychiatrist has told me "Yeah, just get pregnant again and power through it, it will make you stronger! In fact, you should get pregnant tomorrow!!!!!!! LOL GOOD LUCK"

Again, the term anxiety implies a maladaptive fear response out of proportion to the situation, which is absolutely not the case. It is absolutely adaptive for this kid to fear the bully and to be scared around him because he has already been seriously assaulted by him.

A school refusal psychologist is absolutely not going to recommend pulling the kid from school to to anxiety. 100% not going to happen. Theres a TON of literature on school refusal and zero of it recommends pulling kids from school. It recommends getting them back into school.

“ According to clinicians and researchers dedicated to school avoidance, exposure therapy is a first-line treatment that helps kids get back to school and has shown sustainable long-term results”

https://schoolavoidance.org/modes-of-therapy/

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to work on your kids self esteem so he doesn’t easily become a target.
1. Homeschool him for the rest of the year.
2. Put him in a karate class asap especially one that has a bully curriculum.
3. Does he have a dad or male involved in his life? His dad needs to spend one on one time with him. Get him involved in Boy Scouts.
4. Practice the cogat tests with him over the summer and request that he is retested in the fall. Make sure he’s not in the bully kids class.

Homeschooling will NOT reduce school refusal or increase his confidence. Pleasr y’all just educate yourselves a tiny bit on the basic principles of handling anxiety and school refusal.

I would love to see your peer reviewed studies on psychological outcomes of children being forced into environments where they are being heavily bullied and physically assaulted.

there’s no evidence he’s being “heavily bullied” and OP’s story is that he is refusing because he’s embarrassed by the suspension, embarrassed even to go to therapy out of some kind of fear of others finding out, and also got bullied at his last school. All evidence points to anxious maladaptive coping by this kid, which yes, will only be compounded by letting him stay home. All of the literature on school refusal indicates correlation with mood disorders like anxiety, and every intervention is aimed at getting the child back into school.

This organization has good information: https://schoolavoidance.org/blog/

OK so you have zero peer reviewed studies showing a bullied kid who has been seriously physically assaulted will do better when forced back to the same school where the bully hasn't even been removed from the classroom, just a literally mommy blog, which doesn't even address that extreme scenario. If I posted a Homeschool Defence League study on how awesome homeschooling is I'm sure you would object.

I have no idea how you have read this whole thread and said there is no evidence the boy is being severely bullied. I would think getting a tooth knocked out would obviously meet the definition of that.

I actually do like your advice to consult a psychologist who specializes in school refusal. OP will probably be shocked with the psychologist tells her that school environment is toxic to his mental health. Why do I think s/he will come to that conclusion? Because I have obstetric trauma induced PTSD and no therapist or psychiatrist has told me "Yeah, just get pregnant again and power through it, it will make you stronger! In fact, you should get pregnant tomorrow!!!!!!! LOL GOOD LUCK"

Again, the term anxiety implies a maladaptive fear response out of proportion to the situation, which is absolutely not the case. It is absolutely adaptive for this kid to fear the bully and to be scared around him because he has already been seriously assaulted by him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to work on your kids self esteem so he doesn’t easily become a target.
1. Homeschool him for the rest of the year.
2. Put him in a karate class asap especially one that has a bully curriculum.
3. Does he have a dad or male involved in his life? His dad needs to spend one on one time with him. Get him involved in Boy Scouts.
4. Practice the cogat tests with him over the summer and request that he is retested in the fall. Make sure he’s not in the bully kids class.

Homeschooling will NOT reduce school refusal or increase his confidence. Pleasr y’all just educate yourselves a tiny bit on the basic principles of handling anxiety and school refusal.

I would love to see your peer reviewed studies on psychological outcomes of children being forced into environments where they are being heavily bullied and physically assaulted.

there’s no evidence he’s being “heavily bullied” and OP’s story is that he is refusing because he’s embarrassed by the suspension, embarrassed even to go to therapy out of some kind of fear of others finding out, and also got bullied at his last school. All evidence points to anxious maladaptive coping by this kid, which yes, will only be compounded by letting him stay home. All of the literature on school refusal indicates correlation with mood disorders like anxiety, and every intervention is aimed at getting the child back into school.

This organization has good information: https://schoolavoidance.org/blog/