Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

It's not perfect, but even if apples fall relatively far from the tree, they tend to roll back.

There's also the big advantage that, while hormones may blind you to your affianced's irritating habits and dubious morals, they aren't going to blind you to your would-be in-laws' irritating habits and dubious morals.

"Mental illness" has become so broadly defined as to be devoid of meaning in most cases.

Many of the behaviors that people now describe as mental illness are actually issues of character, personality, and personal choice.

It's extraordinarily hard to be a good person and good partner, day in and day out, over the course of decades.

It's almost impossible to predict which people are capable of doing so in the face of life's temptations and challenges.

The best that you can do:

1. Make character and values your #1 criteria in evaluating a potential partner.

2. Do not make a long-term commitment to anyone until you've seen them demonstrate that character over a significant period of time, and in the face of significant challenges.

3. Pay particular attention to their responses to adversity in all forms.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

I tell my kids the same thing

I was 35 when married the guy who now is addicted to screens, gets easily frustrated, insults our boys, dismissed my feelings, raises his voice in anger, and is making my life miserable. I’m crying as I write these lines.

How old was he? He wasn't addicted to screens by age 35? He never raised his voice in anger when you were dating?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

This.

My husband has a personality disorder and a couple of diagnosed mental illnesses. There were red flags in hindsight and I even caught some. I just wasn’t savvy enough to understand how big they were nor did I have enough self-worth to believe my gut over his pretense.

Another upvote for this concept.

Mine also hid behind me for years, followed whatever I did, no complaints…….until he got an AP, and we got divorced.

I don't think having an affair means you have a mental illness...

And no, I don't condone affairs and have never had one.

If cheating and betrayal isn't selfish and cruel than what is?

I didn't say it wasn't cruel and selfish. Of course it is. But I don't think that means you have some kind of a diagnosable mental illness. Do you? If so, which one?

“I was 35 when married the guy who now is addicted to screens”

What woman isn’t addicted to screens? 😂

I guess no woman should get married…

Anonymous wrote:Orchestrate several scenario where you place your young partner under a lot of stress — and then observe how they react.

Run experiments.

Repeatedly stressing out your boyfriend, yeah that’s gonna work out well. 🙄

Anonymous wrote:I know two children who are from sperm donors. That is such a black box of dna.
Zero observation opportunity.

They are much better screened than what most women do when picking husbands.

A Sperm Donor

Orchestrate several scenario where you place your young partner under a lot of stress — and then observe how they react.

Run experiments.

Anonymous wrote:Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

Said with the arrogance of someone who does not understand how well people can "mask" for months and years while meeting, dating, in early marriage. You would be shocked if you truly realized how good at masking (both intentionally and unintentionally) mentally ill people can be. They are on their "best behavior" and that combines with the other person wanting to believe the best about them and excusing or explaining away red flags. How fortunate you are, if you either never actually had a mentally ill spouse, or you dated someone with those red flags but that person didn't cover well enough, and you got out. Not everyone is that fortunate. And before you say, it's not being fortunate, it's being smart, etc. -- again, you have not experienced a truly good "masker."

Anonymous wrote:The difference between mental illnesses and physical illnesses in many cases is that mentally ill people often refuse ANY treatment and are in complete denial because of the stigma, which leaves their illnesses to get worse, which makes the stigma of mental illness worse. It’s a vicious cycle and I don’t blame anyone for avoiding it. My parents both had mental illness and it derailed everything in their lives.

Another difference is that you don’t catch cancer or heart disease or diabetes from your spouse. But their mental illness can destroy your mental health. Alcoholism is a mental illness too - stigma or not, people avoid dating alcoholics for a reason, because everyone knows what being married to an alcoholic does to your health.

I think a person needs to look very very closely at the potential spouse’s family of origin. Does he get along with his parents- if not, why not? Siblings? How is the parents’ relationship if still together? If divorced- why? Anyone have mental health issues, substance abuse issues, etc- if so, how have those been handled? Does this person have a good family support system, all things considered? What types of stories does he tell about his childhood?

IMO 90%+ of the time, you will find your answer there. The warning signs will be there if you look.

That doesn’t mean any mental health or family relationship issues are an automatic disqualifier- not at all. But if there are any red flags one would be wise to take those seriously and investigate further.

I know two children who are from sperm donors. That is such a black box of dna.
Zero observation opportunity.

Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

My in- laws present wonderfully well, and they are very kind, normal people. I visited them in their home for several long weekend trips and we all vacationed together before we were married.

The depth of the dysfunction of their family unit wasn’t apparent until 5 or 6 years after we got married.

Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

+1
and siblings
It may be hard to assess if both parents are not available

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

I tell my kids the same thing

I was 35 when married the guy who now is addicted to screens, gets easily frustrated, insults our boys, dismissed my feelings, raises his voice in anger, and is making my life miserable. I’m crying as I write these lines.

And I was 39 when I did the same. And now my son is addicted.