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Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.

Then you need have to limit them to accommodate your household if you can't afford help.

No. If you want a kid to excel at anything, there is a significant time commitment. Even 1 activity can eat up several evenings/weekenfs. If there is more than one kid, even a once a week activity is now at least on two days a week

And that's why there are so many divorces.

This has nothing to do with divorce.
My parents are married.
I am divorced. We do this married or divorced. It literally does not matter. Busy 5-7 days week except summer. It is the way it is.

I'd cut back on the extracurriculars before threatening my spouse with divorce.

What are you talking about? This is nothing to do with divorce. Parenting is harder after kindergarten. Period. The same routine is going to happen no matter the marital status. This had nothing to do with divorcing.

Anonymous wrote:We got an au pair when our kids were elementary age and it helped a ton just to have that extra help. It will get easier when the kids get older. Try and hang in there or see if you can work just a little less, that may help.

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Anonymous wrote:It gets better as they get older. Can you afford extra help in the mornings or afternoons? I served very simple meals when the kids were little and joined a carpool when they hit elementary.

NP. Disagree. It is much harder when they start doing extracurricular activities.

Then you need have to limit them to accommodate your household if you can't afford help.

No. If you want a kid to excel at anything, there is a significant time commitment. Even 1 activity can eat up several evenings/weekenfs. If there is more than one kid, even a once a week activity is now at least on two days a week

And that's why there are so many divorces.

This has nothing to do with divorce.
My parents are married.
I am divorced. We do this married or divorced. It literally does not matter. Busy 5-7 days week except summer. It is the way it is.

I'd cut back on the extracurriculars before threatening my spouse with divorce.

Anonymous wrote:It’s totally great that sex and couple times are priorities for you, but just FYI, OP-“only” having 90 minutes a day of time with your DH per day is actually A LOT lol. My situation is not as complex as yours but many days DH and I don’t really get any couple time. 90 minutes would actually be very high for us on an average day.

Everyone should set their life up the way they want, but just so you’re aware, I don’t know of any couples with two jobs and young kids who: (1) spend significant time together every single day (as in, more than 30 minutes so); (2) have an active sex life; (3) work out every single day. In fact, I’d say I don’t actually know ANYONE who has the above.

It’s totally ok to prioritize those things, but your expectations of life at this season of life strike me as a bit unrealistic. You really can’t have it all. Most working parents with jobs and young kids are sacrificing sleep, exercise, sex, time together, house cleanliness, career progression, time with friends, etc.

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There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.

Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.

Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.

It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.

I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.

In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.

In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.

I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.

Why is this disgusting? I did most of the kid stuff while I was working. I handled planning play dates, birthdays, vacations, bought gifts for friends, teachers, clothes, shoes, diapers, etc. While I haven’t asked everyone, most moms do this stuff whether they work or not.

I was burnt out in my finance job. I didn’t like my mommy tracked job and I now stay home while Dh earns. What is disgusting about this?

It’s disgusting that you’re suggesting that OP throw in the towel professionally bc then her H will make 3m a year. This is unlikely, statistically, for most working people, much less a man with 2 children whose current salary is 170K. So maybe your advice isn’t disgusting, it’s just oddly specific and not relevant (it’s also deeply sexist which is what I think PP meant).

You sound like a good wife who loves her husband. Maybe just accept your current life as is. Your Dh sounds kind of selfish but usually there is one in each relationship. DH is the giver and I’m the taker in our marriage. Dh is always giving. He has always loved me more.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.

Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.

Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.

It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.

I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.

In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.

In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.

I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.

Why is this disgusting? I did most of the kid stuff while I was working. I handled planning play dates, birthdays, vacations, bought gifts for friends, teachers, clothes, shoes, diapers, etc. While I haven’t asked everyone, most moms do this stuff whether they work or not.

I was burnt out in my finance job. I didn’t like my mommy tracked job and I now stay home while Dh earns. What is disgusting about this?

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have kept him in the $500-600k job, to be honest.

He now seems to be in the worst of all worlds- not earning an amazing salary but too busy to pick up his shsre of the house work.

This. What was the point of leaving the harder job if he still can’t pull his weight?

OP here. Our life now is night and day from the other job.

(1) He was unhealthy - didn't sleep enough, didn't work out at all. Was sitting at a computer all day and night. You can only do that for so many years before permanently harming your health.

(2) He never wanted to have sex. We had date nights here and there, but I'd basically get to interact with him for an 90 min a day. He was always stressed about work.

(3) He worked one full day per weekend on average. I was really lonely.

(4) Our kid had no real relationship with him.

(5) I couldn't pursue my professional passions - and I felt unfulfilled because of that.


I love having him around on weekends, having him putting the kids to bed, practice the piano with the oldest, seeing how much they love him and how attached to him they are, spending time with him after bedtime, because really he is my best friend and I love him a lot. Planning trips together, going on dates, just watching videos and laughing and cuddling. And a better sex life.

We have friends who stayed in "high finance" and I see what that brand of fatherhood looks like, and it's not for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

There are plenty of dads of young children at his salary level that get their work done in a way that allows them to be a contributing partner at home.

Oh I wasn't saying it can't be done. I'm saying OP's DH is presenting this as a fait accompli; his hours are inflexible, his workouts are a priority, therefore she's gotta handle it all. OK. Well, but it seems he's also expecting her to do everything for these kids. There's a name for that: it's a SAHM. As long as he wants OP to have a job, and he wants nothing to change for him, that means they outsource. And on $270K combined salary in this area, that's either tricky or impossible while also paying for daycare. So. He wants his job to be the only contribution (and frankly to have this 1955 arrangement)? Time to bring in more money dude.

Now of course the easier, more equitable, healthier, and better-choice-as-a-father choice, is him actually participating in the family he created and working with his wife to help life move forward. But that's "impossible" because he's so "thorough", can't "multi-task", etc.

It's BS. And yes I sound annoyed. As another PP pointed out, DH is running quite the con, and OP sounds like she's genuinely struggling. I think that sucks.

I posted before that I now stay home but used to be in a similar situation. I actually also worked in finance and kept cutting down. At the end, I was doing more accounting and budgeting for flexibility, which is far different than more glamorous finance jobs in nyc.

In OP’s situation, I think her DH should try to get a higher paying job. 170 is pretty low. I made more than that fresh out of grad school 20 years ago. If he isn’t helping much around the house, he should at least earn more to get you more paid help.

In my house, I told Dh to go hard in his career and he did. He doesn’t worry about pick up or drop off or getting a kid to dance or soccer. I don’t get mad at him for never going grocery shopping or buying a birthday gift. I stopped working when he earned 800k. He now earns $2-3m.

I mean, this is disgusting and a terrible thing to model to both sons and daughters. But you do you.

To add, you do you but please don’t recommend it to others who may not understand the implications.

NP. I think that PP sounds absolutely insufferable but to be fair, at least her family prioritized having ONE parent act like the kids matter to them. Everyone else is suggesting that OP and her husband BOTH outsource parenting as much as possible.

I think you are calling me insufferable. DH helps out most days with driving. OP’s kids are still younger. My kids are older and we have 2-3 kid activities per day. He helps with at least one kid everyday. He may pick up a kid on his way home from work or come home and take my daughter to dance. What he does not have to do is leave work by 4 or 430 and be in traffic being stressed on whether he is going to make it on time to pick up our kid from school at 4:30. I used to have to pick up two kids from two different places and it was very stressful for me.

We often have conflicts and we carpool. We have 3 kids and even with one who stayed home, we have conflicts. Before people say we are over scheduled, you don’t always get to pick your practice time or if there is a match or game. If your kid is on an academic team, there are practices, they may stay after school or need to go to a partner’s home. My kids are all also very social and we are the hang out house. I often host play dates and hang outs and drive kids and friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have kept him in the $500-600k job, to be honest.

He now seems to be in the worst of all worlds- not earning an amazing salary but too busy to pick up his shsre of the house work.

This. What was the point of leaving the harder job if he still can’t pull his weight?

OP here. Our life now is night and day from the other job.

(1) He was unhealthy - didn't sleep enough, didn't work out at all. Was sitting at a computer all day and night. You can only do that for so many years before permanently harming your health.

(2) He never wanted to have sex. We had date nights here and there, but I'd basically get to interact with him for an 90 min a day. He was always stressed about work.

(3) He worked one full day per weekend on average. I was really lonely.

(4) Our kid had no real relationship with him.

(5) I couldn't pursue my professional passions - and I felt unfulfilled because of that.


I love having him around on weekends, having him putting the kids to bed, practice the piano with the oldest, seeing how much they love him and how attached to him they are, spending time with him after bedtime, because really he is my best friend and I love him a lot. Planning trips together, going on dates, just watching videos and laughing and cuddling. And a better sex life.

We have friends who stayed in "high finance" and I see what that brand of fatherhood looks like, and it's not for us.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have kept him in the $500-600k job, to be honest.

He now seems to be in the worst of all worlds- not earning an amazing salary but too busy to pick up his shsre of the house work.

This. What was the point of leaving the harder job if he still can’t pull his weight?