Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have your own food issues as well OP.

Sure! I hate wasted food and I hate people who eat more than 2-3 helpings when it isn’t a celebration. If it’s just a regular Saturday no one needs the chicken parm and the hamburger plus a side salad plus the calimari and wash that down with the monster sundae. No one needs to eat that much! And if you do choose to eat that much, fine but I don’t want to pay for it (especially since the dinner conversation was just listening to a lecture/rant). I don’t live very extravagantly so maybe that’s another psychological issue.

But you said he eats it all, so where’s the waste? You are fixated on what you see at gluttony and greed around food. Time to work on your own food issues, OP.

Stop. There’s no serious dispute that the FIL had serious food issues, call it food insecurity/gluttong/ whatever. Stop gaslighting the OP into thinking she’s the one with the food issues. No one their right mind acts like the FIL (orders 2 entrees for himself, orders extra entrees to go, hogs meat at the table, monitors everyone else’s food intake).

This whole thread is about monitoring someone's intake. "Too much!"

I don't think you need to actively monitor anything to notice someone's "intake" if they order two entrees at a restaurant.

And? You don't need to monitor at all. Or get upset about it. He does what he does. Stop doing the same things over and over again if it bothers you that much.

PP here. Umm, I'm not OP?

So? I'm not OP either, it's general advice. Don't keep making the same mistake and getting mad about it. OP just hates her FIL no matter what and he can do no right. She just needs to stop going to these dinners. One less entree to pay for and no bad attitude to contend with.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does he eat a lot at home too? [/quote]

Yes. Whenever he cooks though, I notice he carefully monitors everyone’s food. For instance he’ll put expensive cuts of meet next to his plate and put salads and bread by our plates. This irritates me now that I noticed it. He will carefully dole out a slice or two, and keep the plate by his plate. When I’ve tried to imitate this (I sound insufferably petty, I know) he will say “no I want the meat next to me so I can have as much as I want”. My husband will usually say “dad, remember you’re not eating alone!!”

My husband has said in the past “dad, you can’t get seconds and thirds until everyone is finished with their first”. One dark day FIL took one fourth of the pie I had made for himself. One fourth of a 9 inch pie pan!! My husband actually cut that in half and gave half to one of our children. He said “I don’t want the kids thinking that is remotely a reasonable slice”. FIL sulked for the rest of the day. I was secretly thrilled.

The true mystery here is how does he remain only chubby? I feel like I would turn into a walrus if I ate like him. DH thinks maybe he waits until we visit or he visits us to eat like a glutton. [/quote]

If he doesn't like going out alone, doesn't have friends to go out with does he cook? Or is he surviving on bachelor meals or frozen dinners?

I think you drilled down to the root of the problem. He's lonely, doesn't have friends and has an abrasive personality. He takes great joy in food but due to his personal limitations doesn't get many home cooked meal or restaurant meals. I would try to have compassion and boundaries instead of playing petty games [/quote]

The core problem here is that like most normal, decent, empathetic people with a capacity for meaningful attachment, OP and her husband are reluctant to set boundaries given that the dysfunctional, personality-disordered, possibly psychopathic (not all psychopaths are serial killers) person in their lives happens to be a first degree relative whose social situation seems to invoke sympathy. Well, if I were OP and her spouse, I'd consider the fact that FIL doesn't actually fulfill his role (being a good but imperfect dad, FIL and grandfather) in any way that would warrant such exception and let him experience the consequences of being such a narcissistic POS: i.e. no more visits. Among other things, what the OP and her spouse are inadvertently teaching their own kids is that it's ok to put up with outrageous behavior and egregious treatment from people just because they happen to be relatives. There is a very distinct boundary between accepting and accommodating the run-of-the-mill imperfections that all of us have and doing the same for pathological dysfunction. I for one am tired of reading about the mental and emotional exhaustion of psychological healthy people trying to do well by people whose mentality and actions show them to be unworthy of such efforts. Let the mfs learn something from natural consequences for a change and if they can't, they can't.

I would just cook at home and not go out when he visits. It is easy enough to make extra at home. I would treat his visits like a party…a cardinal sin is to run out of food. Then he can eat the leftovers next day so no need to go out for lunch. Repeat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just amazed by the amount of food, frankly. Maybe my unhealthy relationship with my body image is showing, but that seems like an excessive quantity of food.

I agree. I am overweight and can eat a lot (NP here), but I cannot fathom eating that much. Often one entree is too much with restaurant portions.

OP, I think you or your husband need to talk to him if you’ll continue to go out to eat (which I wouldn’t want). You could say “we are starting to budget for meals, and will have one entree per person and 2-3 apps for the table. Does that work for
You?” If he says no, tell him he can pay for more.

It’s also weird for your kids to see him eating 2 entrees every time

Its tough because on one hand we want to teach our kids to not take advantage of others, don’t take more than you need, be respectful, and here they see FIL demanding two entrees, bragging about how trips, and generally driving us nuts. It’s truly not a weight thing or really a money thing- it’s a rude thing. But on the other hand, maybe we can be compassionate to FIL because we are family. I really don’t have any answers. I do know it is definitely weird for my kids to see him eating 2 entrees. - op

You've already explained it to them. Grandpa is lonely and food makes him happy. Sometimes we bend the rules or social norms for people we love.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does he eat a lot at home too? [/quote]

Yes. Whenever he cooks though, I notice he carefully monitors everyone’s food. For instance he’ll put expensive cuts of meet next to his plate and put salads and bread by our plates. This irritates me now that I noticed it. He will carefully dole out a slice or two, and keep the plate by his plate. When I’ve tried to imitate this (I sound insufferably petty, I know) he will say “no I want the meat next to me so I can have as much as I want”. My husband will usually say “dad, remember you’re not eating alone!!”

My husband has said in the past “dad, you can’t get seconds and thirds until everyone is finished with their first”. One dark day FIL took one fourth of the pie I had made for himself. One fourth of a 9 inch pie pan!! My husband actually cut that in half and gave half to one of our children. He said “I don’t want the kids thinking that is remotely a reasonable slice”. FIL sulked for the rest of the day. I was secretly thrilled.

The true mystery here is how does he remain only chubby? I feel like I would turn into a walrus if I ate like him. DH thinks maybe he waits until we visit or he visits us to eat like a glutton. [/quote]

If he doesn't like going out alone, doesn't have friends to go out with does he cook? Or is he surviving on bachelor meals or frozen dinners?

I think you drilled down to the root of the problem. He's lonely, doesn't have friends and has an abrasive personality. He takes great joy in food but due to his personal limitations doesn't get many home cooked meal or restaurant meals. I would try to have compassion and boundaries instead of playing petty games

Anonymous wrote:If he eats everything I’d let him order what he wants. If he doesn’t eat everything I’d give him lip about his eyes being bigger than his stomach.

My wealthy FIL took us out to eat for DD’s graduation years ago. The graduation girl ordered a steak, which was either the most expensive or nearly most expensive thing on the menu. But not way over other other entrees, which we all got. This was not a fancy steakhouse. Anyway, we still hear about how she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu almost every time we talk to him. He chastised her saying she should never do that on a date or she’ll get dumped. DD will never live it down, and it’s our family joke now.

So if he orders the most expensive things on the menu, you should bring it up forever.

Just sexist and rude. Plus she was the guest of honor

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are talking $12-$35 per dinner a few times a year, for 8 pages?! You people are nuts

FIL cost with tax and tip is probably closer to $100 at least given app, dessert, and 2 entrees. And if he gets a drink. Could well be more depending on the restaurant

+1, op even mentioned that her FIl has expensive taste in his restaurant preferences so this is easily an extra $100-200 minimum, multiple times per year.

I would love for pp to share the magical sit down restaurant where one can get an appetizer, two entrees, and a dessert for $12-35 inclusive of tax and tip. Sounds like an *unbelieveable* bargain !

The difference is $12-$35 for the 2nd entree. The rest is perfectly normal. You all disgust me

I would be happy to pass along his info and you are welcome to take him out. I’ll make sure he brings all of his dental records with him because that’s his latest favorite topic. His second favorite topic is how he got a free upgrade at his last hotel after writing mean Yelp reviews. Really it’s a blast.

Oh and he will also require at least one appetizer, two nice entrees, and a dessert.

Have fun! - op

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m just amazed by the amount of food, frankly. Maybe my unhealthy relationship with my body image is showing, but that seems like an excessive quantity of food.

I agree. I am overweight and can eat a lot (NP here), but I cannot fathom eating that much. Often one entree is too much with restaurant portions.

OP, I think you or your husband need to talk to him if you’ll continue to go out to eat (which I wouldn’t want). You could say “we are starting to budget for meals, and will have one entree per person and 2-3 apps for the table. Does that work for
You?” If he says no, tell him he can pay for more.

It’s also weird for your kids to see him eating 2 entrees every time

Its tough because on one hand we want to teach our kids to not take advantage of others, don’t take more than you need, be respectful, and here they see FIL demanding two entrees, bragging about how trips, and generally driving us nuts. It’s truly not a weight thing or really a money thing- it’s a rude thing. But on the other hand, maybe we can be compassionate to FIL because we are family. I really don’t have any answers. I do know it is definitely weird for my kids to see him eating 2 entrees. - op

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are talking $12-$35 per dinner a few times a year, for 8 pages?! You people are nuts

FIL cost with tax and tip is probably closer to $100 at least given app, dessert, and 2 entrees. And if he gets a drink. Could well be more depending on the restaurant

+1, op even mentioned that her FIl has expensive taste in his restaurant preferences so this is easily an extra $100-200 minimum, multiple times per year.

I would love for pp to share the magical sit down restaurant where one can get an appetizer, two entrees, and a dessert for $12-35 inclusive of tax and tip. Sounds like an *unbelieveable* bargain !

The difference is $12-$35 for the 2nd entree. The rest is perfectly normal. You all disgust me

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are talking $12-$35 per dinner a few times a year, for 8 pages?! You people are nuts

FIL cost with tax and tip is probably closer to $100 at least given app, dessert, and 2 entrees. And if he gets a drink. Could well be more depending on the restaurant

Call the police!

You’re pathetic. What a shitty way to live OP & ilk

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the poster telling you that you have food issues. You have perfectly reasonable expectations of what a normal person should eat.

This thread is such a perfect metaphor for the boomer generation. Hoarding to their own detriment and not giving an eff about the younger generations. And yes, I see eating copious amounts of food as a form of hoarding.

No she does not. She is petty and mean.

Thank you!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have your own food issues as well OP.

Sure! I hate wasted food and I hate people who eat more than 2-3 helpings when it isn’t a celebration. If it’s just a regular Saturday no one needs the chicken parm and the hamburger plus a side salad plus the calimari and wash that down with the monster sundae. No one needs to eat that much! And if you do choose to eat that much, fine but I don’t want to pay for it (especially since the dinner conversation was just listening to a lecture/rant). I don’t live very extravagantly so maybe that’s another psychological issue.

Shocking as it is to us here, FIL thinks dinner with OP is a celebration.

The strangest part is why OP is inserting herself between DH and his father.

If you don't like him, don't go. Be busy, and let DH dine with his father.

Yeah. Such a big celebration that it warrants ordering two dinners at once. Oh wait, there really isn't a celebration that calls for that. At all.

Stop reading my mind! This is exactly what I am thinking. But I feel like it would crush a sad lonely man to keep him from his grandkids and his son. And despite being a petty almond mom, FIL is actually deeply attached to me too. And every time we want to say something, DH and I back down.

Anonymous wrote:FIL sounds like he is bulimic and OP is an almond mom.

I am definitely not an almond mom. Fil is definitely not bulimic. How do I know? Because he’s sat me down and given me a complete and detailed explanation of all of his latest dental woes, complete with X-rays and visit notes. No way he could barf that much without affecting his teeth enamel. Discussing this with DH, he thinks the secret is a fast metabolism and daily long workouts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you have your own food issues as well OP.

Sure! I hate wasted food and I hate people who eat more than 2-3 helpings when it isn’t a celebration. If it’s just a regular Saturday no one needs the chicken parm and the hamburger plus a side salad plus the calimari and wash that down with the monster sundae. No one needs to eat that much! And if you do choose to eat that much, fine but I don’t want to pay for it (especially since the dinner conversation was just listening to a lecture/rant). I don’t live very extravagantly so maybe that’s another psychological issue.

Shocking as it is to us here, FIL thinks dinner with OP is a celebration.

The strangest part is why OP is inserting herself between DH and his father.

If you don't like him, don't go. Be busy, and let DH dine with his father.

Yeah. Such a big celebration that it warrants ordering two dinners at once. Oh wait, there really isn't a celebration that calls for that. At all.

Anonymous wrote:We are talking $12-$35 per dinner a few times a year, for 8 pages?! You people are nuts

Could you share some restaurant recommendations? This seems very affordable! $12 for two entrees, an appetizer, and a dessert is incredible.

- OP