Anonymous
02/12/2024 20:17
Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t get why people are assuming this but my DH does not have ASD. I mean, sometimes I wonder but he’s never been diagnosed with it and we are both in our late 30s.
Who cares wtf his problem is.
Narcissism
Autism
Misogyny
Adhd
Other spectrum or personality disorders
It’s his terrible and chronic symptoms, habits, and behaviors you’re all suffering from.
NP here. Exactly. Some people are just inconsiderate jerks who don’t care about other people. Who is usually on the receiving end of the repulsive behavior? The spouse. And that person can barely stand what life has come to for them. Therapy can’t fix the mess the selfish, repulsive spouse has become because chances are he’s as happy as a pig in s$&@
Anonymous
02/12/2024 20:11
Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:We are on vacation with our kids and also my dad and it’s not gone well.
I planned and booked the trip. I figured out how to pay for it. I planned the tours. I rented the car and did all the driving. I bought the groceries. I did the laundry on the trip. I packed everything for the kids and I. I studied the maps. I hired the babysitter to give me a break.
But I really got decision fatigue, and I blew up on my DH and my dad and tearfully begged them to please take the next day and plan it. They keep saying they want to “just relax”. I would be thrilled to do that too, but we have 3 boys ages 5, 6, and 7 and relaxing just isn’t going to happen. They need supervision and exercise.
I just….this trip has made me realize I don’t want this life anymore. I feel like my DH is completely checked out of our life. We don’t even sleep in the same room and booked a place with separate bedrooms. DH isn’t interested in sex with me-I’ve tried. We’ve had sex maybe 10 times in the last 5 years.
I told DH over dinner last night that I’m thinking about divorce. And he just responds that things are really stressful but they are going to get easier and then it will be better. But it’s been like this for years.
DH isn’t a bad guy but he’s the quintessential absent minded professor and I’m tired of having to constantly remind him of things and double check everything. I feel like I can’t rely on him for anything because while he is well intentioned, he lacks attention to detail and forgets important things (like medicine for our kids).
We’ve done therapy-it hasn’t helped at all. Is the next step divorce? Or I guess just continuing to live separate lives in the same household?
I could have written a lot if this. If I don’t plan, nothing gets done. I plan and pay for everything. He pays for what he cares about.
What would happen if you told him the plan is you are disappearing to the spa of for a shopping/road trip in your own? Would all hell break loose?
Anonymous
02/12/2024 19:52
Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Do you have friends you can talk to?
Sometimes I tell a friend “Last week I was worried, but you sound really good right now.”
honestly, everyone can over-react or be unreasonable from time to time (eg. keeping that ten year tab sheet of “my efforts” a little too up-to-date?) —- but good friends can reflect observations back to you, and tell you when you are off the rails or being unreasonable.
Sometimes I tell a friend “Last week I was worried, but you sound really good right now.”
honestly, everyone can over-react or be unreasonable from time to time (eg. keeping that ten year tab sheet of “my efforts” a little too up-to-date?) —- but good friends can reflect observations back to you, and tell you when you are off the rails or being unreasonable.
Anonymous
02/12/2024 19:42
Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Anonymous wrote:What do you think would happen if you took off for the day and left the kids with their dad and grandpa? Would they be safe? Fed? If so, I would do that. Even if it’s just 3-4 hours, not even all day. You need a break AND you need to know that the kids will be fine if you’re not around.
OP.You sound like you need lots and rest and a long break. Based on everything you said. This person above has the right idea. I don’t mean to sound tough, but you are not coping well and you are worn down. It’s natural to lash out to other family members in these circumstances. Change your circumstances but please don’t do anything extreme. It might take weeks or months of changes for you
Anonymous
02/08/2024 11:00
Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Yeah tell the kids, judge and relatives that’s the reason for your divorce.
Anonymous
02/08/2024 07:43
Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
The definition of a sexless marriage is fewer than 14 instances of coitus over one year.
OP has been in a sexless marriage for more than half a decade.
She has ample reason to divorce this person she’s married to.
OP has been in a sexless marriage for more than half a decade.
She has ample reason to divorce this person she’s married to.
Anonymous
02/08/2024 01:15
Subject: Absent minded professor DH and vacation
Omg these discussions likely happened for 5,10,15 years. He doesn’t give two F’s about growing up or pitching in.
The most dysfunctional spouse in a household with kids has the power. op must continue to do everything and drag his @$$ along.
The most dysfunctional spouse in a household with kids has the power. op must continue to do everything and drag his @$$ along.
Anonymous
02/07/2024 21:01
Subject: Re:Absent minded professor DH and vacation
You sound like an amazing wife OP!!
Your husband is truly blessed to have someone in his life who keeps the homefires burning + everything on track.
Over the years however it is painfully clear that he has gotten very used to you having a very hands-on approach & in the process, he has learned that you will usually do all the planning, cleaning, shopping, etc.
At this stage it appears he is taking you for granted.
Fully.
Sad that he cannot plan even one day (just ONE!??) out of your vacation.
And no, relaxing w/three young children is never going to happen.
I would try to keep the peace for now just to ensure your children have a nice vacation. 🏝️
However once you get home - you need to have a very serious discussion about this issue.
Stress to your husband how truly burnt out you are by consistently carrying the brunt of the entire family on your back.
Tell him that he will need to contribute more to the responsibilities of the home.
If he is unwilling + does not change >> then you will divorce him because the way things are now, it is not sustainable for you.
At the same time, stop doing his laundry, cooking/meal prep, shopping……everything, etc.
Hope this helps you out.
I wish you all the best.
Your husband is truly blessed to have someone in his life who keeps the homefires burning + everything on track.
Over the years however it is painfully clear that he has gotten very used to you having a very hands-on approach & in the process, he has learned that you will usually do all the planning, cleaning, shopping, etc.
At this stage it appears he is taking you for granted.
Fully.
Sad that he cannot plan even one day (just ONE!??) out of your vacation.
And no, relaxing w/three young children is never going to happen.
I would try to keep the peace for now just to ensure your children have a nice vacation. 🏝️
However once you get home - you need to have a very serious discussion about this issue.
Stress to your husband how truly burnt out you are by consistently carrying the brunt of the entire family on your back.
Tell him that he will need to contribute more to the responsibilities of the home.
If he is unwilling + does not change >> then you will divorce him because the way things are now, it is not sustainable for you.
At the same time, stop doing his laundry, cooking/meal prep, shopping……everything, etc.
Hope this helps you out.
I wish you all the best.