Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Again not expecting GF to attend just like she should expect me to pay for her. GTFOH to think the GF gets to have a say in the plan for the ILs trip. GF can adult up and plan her own vacation with BF without the ILs.

It’s not one plane ticket. It’s food out and bigger Ubers and bigger accommodations and additional excursions costs……. Just like you women where don’t want to see your MIL all the time or have her include herself in your family events all the time, we want to spend time with our family/our kids without you as well especially if you are expecting me to pay for your full ride while pushing me out of my sons life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Don’t think OP is expecting it and not going on this particular trip doesn’t mean that GF won’t ever vacation with her boyfriend.

Anonymous wrote:My future ILs included me on the family vacation every year before we were married once it became clear their son and I were seriously dating (after about a year together) and we were both way younger than your son. I have now been married for 20 years and get along wonderfully with MIL and FIL in part because they always treated me as part of the family.

Forgot to add - and we still vacation with them once a year, now with our children. Start as you mean to go on, OP.

My future ILs included me on the family vacation every year before we were married once it became clear their son and I were seriously dating (after about a year together) and we were both way younger than your son. I have now been married for 20 years and get along wonderfully with MIL and FIL in part because they always treated me as part of the family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP stop being stingy manipulative and exclusionary. You know you’re supposed to invite her. And you also know you can foot the extra airfare. You’re just looking for someone here to validate your POV, and no one here does. My DD is dating someone whose mom is like you, gives her no respect, treats the serious relationship like it’s a throwaway. My DD has already said that if they get married, and have kids, she will not prioritize holidays with the in laws bc of how they treat her. You’re making your bed.

Oh my goodness people! OP here. I guess I should know that this would happen on DCUM. I was actually really asking for thoughts, because I wanted to see what others thought. This is all new territory for us, first adult child (we have several younger kids). I do appreciate the responses, they are helpful and will help us make up our minds -- even if a lot of them assume scenarios that aren't true!

(I quoted my favorite one, because jeez! Talk about projecting)

What have you actually learned so far, OP?

Bet you won’t answer.

Well, looks like I was right. OP won’t answer.

I said we'll probably invite her and pay?

I think a lot of people are projecting here about their own relationships with in laws! Son was absolutely consulted, before GF entered the picture at all (long planned trip) and has been super excited about it. We haven't bought the tickets yet and were trying to figure out how to talk to him about it (consulting him) since he's likely assuming she will go and we will pay without even a discussion. Man you people are mean and assume the worst. Life is hard and we're all just trying to figure stuff out.

Why does he assume this? That’s a pretty entitled outlook. I think he should pay for her.

We don’t know that he assumes this. We know that the OP assumes that he assumes this.

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nope. And no one has said anything close to that. One issue is that the OP — who can afford to plan and pay for an expensive trip — would be expecting the GF — who probably can’t afford an expensive trip — to spend vacation time and money to go on a trip that she had no voice in planning if she wants to vacation with her BF. That’s not RECIPROCAL.

Anonymous wrote:So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Nobody every stated that. But if you can afford the airfare for one person, then you should suck it up and afford it for the GF as well, because otherwise it sends a bad message. But to say we've got the housing covered and airfare for one of you, the other needs to foot the bill is not how I'd want to start a relationship with a potential DIL/SIL. Find a better way to discuss finances with them and what you can cover.

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: This is OP's first time in this situation. It will set a precedence for her other kids as well. "How come you paid for Dave's gf and not mine?" Soon OP will be footing the bill for multiple GFs/BFs and there's no way she can say "I'll pay for yours but not yours..."

I think they should have a convo with DS and say they're planning to buy his ticket. If you want GF to come, here are the flight numbers to book her own. No one is entitled to their BF's parents' generosity.

Once a couple is living together, that is a committed relationship. So many of us (me included) consider that the same as if engaged or if married. And I cannot imagine paying for my Kid and not their SO.

Total BS. If this were true no one below millionaires would ever travel.

If you can afford the fancy trip, you can afford one more ticket. If not, you can’t really afford it.

So parents who don't earn significant money should anticipate never seeing their grown child or grandchildren because they can't foot the bill for EVERYTHING regardless of the venue. Nice. At some point the parent child relationship becomes reciprocal and stops just being one way, parent to child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do adult need their parents to pay for them if they want to go?

If parents have money and want their adult children to join for exotic vacations, adult children without means would either accept freebie to make parents happy or decline because they can't afford it. Its fine either way.

+1
We have one in college and one recently out of college. No SO yet (but will include them and pay for them once there are ones). We have taken a nice European vacation each summer since the oldest graduated college. No way would they spend on the trip like we do, as they are just starting out after college---travel is one of our vices and we spend nicely on it. So if we want them to come we pay. We are wealthy so it seems ridiculous to ask our kids (and any future SOs) to pay to vacation with us or to pay to come visit us. We have been paying and will continue to pay even when there are spouses and grandkids. Same for when they come to visit us--we pay airfare and hotel if needed (we live in a small condo, so not space if everyone is "home"). Never any strings attached to it either---simply, we are doing this, would you like to join us/does it work with your schedule.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular opinion: This is OP's first time in this situation. It will set a precedence for her other kids as well. "How come you paid for Dave's gf and not mine?" Soon OP will be footing the bill for multiple GFs/BFs and there's no way she can say "I'll pay for yours but not yours..."

I think they should have a convo with DS and say they're planning to buy his ticket. If you want GF to come, here are the flight numbers to book her own. No one is entitled to their BF's parents' generosity.

You don't have to say that you'll only pay for your child, not for the partner, just let them know that it costs X$ for two people and our budget can cover 50%.

Which is a slap in the face and easy to figure out means "we will pay for our kid but not their SO". Not how I'd want to start a relationship with a potential spouse---living together typically means it's a serious relationship and could end up permanent.

Anonymous wrote:Why do adult need their parents to pay for them if they want to go?

If parents have money and want their adult children to join for exotic vacations, adult children without means would either accept freebie to make parents happy or decline because they can't afford it. Its fine either way.