Anonymous
09/19/2023 14:37
Subject: Re:How to parent hard child
Have you pinpointed what's at the root of this?
Anonymous
09/19/2023 00:49
Subject: How to parent hard child
Your child has an underlying physical cause. Please have her checked out thoroughly.
Anonymous
09/19/2023 00:12
Subject: Re:How to parent hard child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.
As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.
I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.
OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.
Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.
OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.
Kids aren't one size fits all. OP is patting herself on the back about her parenting being great...for two of her kids. I'm pointing out that if it's not working for one of her kids then it's not working and she needs to change something. Of course parenting easy kids is easier! But you don't get to just throw your hands up and give up on the hard one.
Nothing you have said is remotely helpful, and you clearly didn’t intend it to be.
Actually it is. Op needs to parent the child she has, not the one she wants.
This is also not helpful. Without actionable suggestions (i.e. HOW to “parent the child she has”) this is just a trite, meaningless statement you typed anonymously on the internet because for some reason it makes you feel superior.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 15:32
Subject: Re:How to parent hard child
Anonymous wrote:I haven't read beyond the first page, but OP, I want you to know that my daughter (middle of 3) was also incredibly difficult for the first 11-12 years of her life. She threw temper tantrums everywhere. At the museum, right by the doll house exhibit (just as a tour group is walking by, of course); at the grocery store (we'd be outside the store for 45 minutes in the freezing cold weather because she was throwing a temper tantrum, and moms would come up to me just to tell me "It gets better"); coming home from school (I would sit in the parking lot for 20-30 minutes before she agreed to put on her seat belt so that we could go home). EVERYWHERE. One time, she threw a temper tantrum because I asked her to put on shoes so that we could go to the store to get goody bag items for her upcoming birthday party. She regularly threw temper tantrums when we wanted to go to the park, after she was the one who asked to go! I would say yes, let's put on shoes, and BAM! another temper tantrum.
I would fantasize about adopting her out of the family and wondered who would take a 7-year-old. I was already looking into boarding schools for high schools because I couldn't take it (both my daughter and husband rejected that idea, so I didn't pursue it). I'm not proud of any of this, I'm just telling you how difficult it was for me.
Once my daughter turned 12ish, everything changed. She's now a 15-year-old and everything is SO EASY. All of the complaints people have about teenagers (and especially teenage daughters) do not apply to us. With years of therapy, she's learned to be easy going and take things in stride. She and my husband (her father) both try to out-do each other with their bad dad jokes, and her sense of sarcasm is impeccable.
I tell people that I dealt with a teenager the first 12 years of her life, and now I'm enjoying the easier years that most people have with their 7-11 year olds!
This is just to say, IT WILL GET BETTER. I'm only shouting because I want you to remember that. I never believed those women outside the grocery store (it happened so often...) but it's true, it really does get better.
Sometimes we'd have a bad day and I'd put her in bed, and then I would think, Tomorrow's a new day, we'll try again then. And that's exactly what we did. Every day is new and you get a new chance to try again.
Good luck! We're rooting for you!
I’m not the OP but I really appreciate this post. Going through a difficult time with my 1st grader and the perspective is incredibly helpful. Thank you
Anonymous
09/18/2023 10:53
Subject: How to parent hard child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Have you considered ASD? I have a close colleague with an older daughter who sounds similar and was diagnosed recently at 14. He said that having the diagnosis and understanding why some things are harder for her has been very helpful to the family dynamic and for strategies for dealing with it.
Op - other than emotional dysregulation what other symptoms would be for ASD? I am looking through this website and she does not demonstrate any of these things: https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.html
I could clearly be missing something however.
Different poster, but
Perfectionism is a form of rigidity.
Fear of losing is a form of rejection sensitivity.
Mothering/controlling siblings could be due to a need for order or merely controlling the noise/motion/activity level in the home of it is a sensory trigger.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 10:48
Subject: How to parent hard child
I know your therapist ruled out ADHD, but how many have you seen? As an adult woman with ADHD who didn’t know what was “wrong” with my brain until my late 20s, ADHD can present so differently in girls/women and from person to person. I constantly read accounts from women in my support group who are dismissed by doctors, therapists, and partners because they seem to function “so well”. I was a varsity athlete in 3 sports, held leadership positions in school activities, and was salutatorian of my HS class - and I had NO IDEA until late college that while I was working SO hard to stay afloat, other people were coasting with ease. Even then I got assigned everything else - depression, no anxiety, no depression again but let’s call it dysthymia, maybe it’s your birth control pills?, what if you give up dairy? You drink how much caffeine???
I am 90% sure my 9yr old had ADHD. I have been dragging my feet on a diagnosis because he had friends and he’s a delight to teach and successful in school(according to every conference ever). It’s just us at home that deal with his moods and outbursts, his eating issues, his losing things, his time blindness, lack of interception, and rejection sensitivity to the point that the gentlest correction sends him running to his room in tears. I remember my mom telling me that the kid she heard about from teachers or other parents always sounded amazing and she left every meeting wondering why she didn’t get to parent that kid at home.
I didn’t read all 11 pages to see if anyone suggested reconsidering her diagnosis, but I wanted to chime in that it might be worth a 2nd look.
I am 90% sure my 9yr old had ADHD. I have been dragging my feet on a diagnosis because he had friends and he’s a delight to teach and successful in school(according to every conference ever). It’s just us at home that deal with his moods and outbursts, his eating issues, his losing things, his time blindness, lack of interception, and rejection sensitivity to the point that the gentlest correction sends him running to his room in tears. I remember my mom telling me that the kid she heard about from teachers or other parents always sounded amazing and she left every meeting wondering why she didn’t get to parent that kid at home.
I didn’t read all 11 pages to see if anyone suggested reconsidering her diagnosis, but I wanted to chime in that it might be worth a 2nd look.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 10:42
Subject: Re:How to parent hard child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all of the pages, but based on some of OP’s follow ups—OP, I think you have a you problem more than a difficult child problem.
As somebody who is kind of like OP and has a child like OP's child, I disagree. I have another child who is just chill and easy. Definitely grumbles and has some big emotions, but nothing like my daughter. Had I only had my second child, my issues wouldn't have made parenting harder.
I"m the PP who mentioned doing a lot of proactive work to prevent my daughter's blow ups from making me lose my cool, so I do think that OP should focus on changing herself. But really, some kids just require super-parenting.
OP - yes that is the thing, I have 2 other kids and I definitely find parenting them way way easier. I parent them very similarly but for my older DD has explosive emotional responses to the same thing I say to her as I do her younger siblings.
Yes. This is the problem. You are parenting your oldest like your other two. Different kids have different needs, hence this is a parenting problem. I mean what's the alternative? This isn't your child's fault.
OP don’t listen to this judgmental idiot. I have an extremely similar dynamic and I totally get what you’re saying. One thing that has actually started to help is practicing Stoicism with my kids (only the oldest needs it). We talk about the circle of control and how we can’t control our emotions but we can always control our behavior, stuff like that. When the oldest is starting to get worked up about something I remind them to focus on what they can control and it seems to help about 50 percent of the time.
Kids aren't one size fits all. OP is patting herself on the back about her parenting being great...for two of her kids. I'm pointing out that if it's not working for one of her kids then it's not working and she needs to change something. Of course parenting easy kids is easier! But you don't get to just throw your hands up and give up on the hard one.
Nothing you have said is remotely helpful, and you clearly didn’t intend it to be.
Actually it is. Op needs to parent the child she has, not the one she wants.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 10:40
Subject: How to parent hard child
Some of you sound more difficult than the kids. Kids need time and support. Help them.
Anonymous
09/18/2023 10:30
Subject: Re:How to parent hard child
I haven't read beyond the first page, but OP, I want you to know that my daughter (middle of 3) was also incredibly difficult for the first 11-12 years of her life. She threw temper tantrums everywhere. At the museum, right by the doll house exhibit (just as a tour group is walking by, of course); at the grocery store (we'd be outside the store for 45 minutes in the freezing cold weather because she was throwing a temper tantrum, and moms would come up to me just to tell me "It gets better"); coming home from school (I would sit in the parking lot for 20-30 minutes before she agreed to put on her seat belt so that we could go home). EVERYWHERE. One time, she threw a temper tantrum because I asked her to put on shoes so that we could go to the store to get goody bag items for her upcoming birthday party. She regularly threw temper tantrums when we wanted to go to the park, after she was the one who asked to go! I would say yes, let's put on shoes, and BAM! another temper tantrum.
I would fantasize about adopting her out of the family and wondered who would take a 7-year-old. I was already looking into boarding schools for high schools because I couldn't take it (both my daughter and husband rejected that idea, so I didn't pursue it). I'm not proud of any of this, I'm just telling you how difficult it was for me.
Once my daughter turned 12ish, everything changed. She's now a 15-year-old and everything is SO EASY. All of the complaints people have about teenagers (and especially teenage daughters) do not apply to us. With years of therapy, she's learned to be easy going and take things in stride. She and my husband (her father) both try to out-do each other with their bad dad jokes, and her sense of sarcasm is impeccable.
I tell people that I dealt with a teenager the first 12 years of her life, and now I'm enjoying the easier years that most people have with their 7-11 year olds!
This is just to say, IT WILL GET BETTER. I'm only shouting because I want you to remember that. I never believed those women outside the grocery store (it happened so often...) but it's true, it really does get better.
Sometimes we'd have a bad day and I'd put her in bed, and then I would think, Tomorrow's a new day, we'll try again then. And that's exactly what we did. Every day is new and you get a new chance to try again.
Good luck! We're rooting for you!
I would fantasize about adopting her out of the family and wondered who would take a 7-year-old. I was already looking into boarding schools for high schools because I couldn't take it (both my daughter and husband rejected that idea, so I didn't pursue it). I'm not proud of any of this, I'm just telling you how difficult it was for me.
Once my daughter turned 12ish, everything changed. She's now a 15-year-old and everything is SO EASY. All of the complaints people have about teenagers (and especially teenage daughters) do not apply to us. With years of therapy, she's learned to be easy going and take things in stride. She and my husband (her father) both try to out-do each other with their bad dad jokes, and her sense of sarcasm is impeccable.
I tell people that I dealt with a teenager the first 12 years of her life, and now I'm enjoying the easier years that most people have with their 7-11 year olds!
This is just to say, IT WILL GET BETTER. I'm only shouting because I want you to remember that. I never believed those women outside the grocery store (it happened so often...) but it's true, it really does get better.
Sometimes we'd have a bad day and I'd put her in bed, and then I would think, Tomorrow's a new day, we'll try again then. And that's exactly what we did. Every day is new and you get a new chance to try again.
Good luck! We're rooting for you!
Anonymous
09/17/2023 21:56
Subject: How to parent hard child
Haven't read the whole thread, but that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself not to fly off the handle sometimes! Apologizing later is fine. My parents never apologized to me for flipping out at me all the time, and I have basically forgiven them their tresspasses, so....
As for medication, I'd definitely look into it. A friend of mine has her outburst-y child on a mood stabilizer for their anxiety, and a few months in, she says the tantrums have really calmed down. As someone else said, you can always take kids off meds. It's not a forever decision. It sounds like you need a radical change, and therapy hasn't brought that to you. So maybe you need to check out some medications.
Good luck! It's so hard, I know! I have been in a similar place and sometimes still am.
As for medication, I'd definitely look into it. A friend of mine has her outburst-y child on a mood stabilizer for their anxiety, and a few months in, she says the tantrums have really calmed down. As someone else said, you can always take kids off meds. It's not a forever decision. It sounds like you need a radical change, and therapy hasn't brought that to you. So maybe you need to check out some medications.
Good luck! It's so hard, I know! I have been in a similar place and sometimes still am.
Anonymous
09/17/2023 18:26
Subject: How to parent hard child
Yes it’s fine! You are human too! And she needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around her and there are other siblings and if she is not nice to be around then people will avoid her.
Nobody expects perfect self regulation from her but she needs motivation to try and be a an easier person!
Nobody expects perfect self regulation from her but she needs motivation to try and be a an easier person!