Anonymous wrote:Not everyone experiences trauma, and the ones that do don’t all allow it to define them.

Right, but some people do experience trauma, and it's not because they "allow" it to define them. It's usually because they don't have the skills or resources to process and move on from a negative or upsetting experience.

Very often when you find people who struggle with this, they experienced childhood abuse and neglect. Which makes sense, because being abused/neglected as a child can make it hard to develop the skills to move past negative experiences. Also people from abusive families are less likely to have the kind of support that can help someone move through that.

Not everyone experiences trauma, and the ones that do don’t all allow it to define them.

Anonymous wrote:Being raped by a lifelong “friend” who felt he was owed. Left me questioning every friendship I ever had as well as shaking my trust in men.

I'm so sorry, PP.

Being raped by a lifelong “friend” who felt he was owed. Left me questioning every friendship I ever had as well as shaking my trust in men.

Divorcing a narcissist. The physical abuse was easy to get over but the emotional abuse sent me into a spiral for at least 5 years. Changed me forever.

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Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this topic lately. Honestly, public shaming for having oral herpes (cold sores) has been the ongoing trauma in my life. I have been kicked out of friend groups, scolded by family members at holidays, rejected by people I cared about, shunned at jobs, lost out on opportunities and even shunned by my former faith community.

I have had recurring cold sores most of my life and was not able to take medication due to kidney issues. Recently the frequency and severity has subsided and reflecting back I now see how much this issue has impacted my life. For so long I stuffed away the hurt of each event and I didn't make the connection.

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A girl I went to high school with experienced this and people probably don’t understand how horrible people are about it. She was attractive and had a well to do family but was treated like a leper whether she had the sores or not.

I believe a herpes vaccine is on the horizon. But even after a vaccine, I doubt I will ever feel comfortable around the people who said and did unkind things to me because of oral herpes. The virus gave people justification to shame me and they seized every opportunity with delight.

That is horrible. Almost everybody has it. My 3 month old nephew had a huge outbreak.

This. Even many people who never get cold sores have it. My husband has it but has never gotten a cold sore in his life. Who knows why.

I've gotten cold sores since I was a child and they are basically just a sign of high stress for me. So being treated badly for having one is usually just adding insult to injury because I'm likely already going through something very hard. Like I'll get one when a family member dies, and then I have to deal with being treated like a leper by parents at my kids school if they see me with it. Just freaking fantastic.

Agreed. It's so common that it makes me question the validity of the person's story about being treated poorly.

OP here. I recognize my cold sore experience has been much worse than the typical experience due to the severity and frequency of symptoms as well as not using antivirals for medical reasons. The fear of herpes spreads so quickly. When I was 18, I had an internship at a bank while I was struggling with bad cold sores. One customer didn't want to touch a paper I tried to hand him. He said it was "disgusting" and that I was going to infect everyone. Co-workers heard this and of course gossiped about it. From then on the co-workers became afraid to touch anything I touched (paper, doorknobs, etc). The whole internship shifted for the worse and I lacked the emotional maturity to deal with this. While this incident was not the defining trauma, the cumulative impact of rejection like this hit me so hard. It only takes one person with herpes anxiety to blow up a situation. Herpes expert Terri Warren says that surface transmission is not a concern because of the viral load that is required for transmission but people with anxiety will not accept any risks on this issue and others follow their lead so they will not get called out.

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Anonymous wrote:I have been thinking about this topic lately. Honestly, public shaming for having oral herpes (cold sores) has been the ongoing trauma in my life. I have been kicked out of friend groups, scolded by family members at holidays, rejected by people I cared about, shunned at jobs, lost out on opportunities and even shunned by my former faith community.

I have had recurring cold sores most of my life and was not able to take medication due to kidney issues. Recently the frequency and severity has subsided and reflecting back I now see how much this issue has impacted my life. For so long I stuffed away the hurt of each event and I didn't make the connection.

.

A girl I went to high school with experienced this and people probably don’t understand how horrible people are about it. She was attractive and had a well to do family but was treated like a leper whether she had the sores or not.

I believe a herpes vaccine is on the horizon. But even after a vaccine, I doubt I will ever feel comfortable around the people who said and did unkind things to me because of oral herpes. The virus gave people justification to shame me and they seized every opportunity with delight.

That is horrible. Almost everybody has it. My 3 month old nephew had a huge outbreak.

This. Even many people who never get cold sores have it. My husband has it but has never gotten a cold sore in his life. Who knows why.

I've gotten cold sores since I was a child and they are basically just a sign of high stress for me. So being treated badly for having one is usually just adding insult to injury because I'm likely already going through something very hard. Like I'll get one when a family member dies, and then I have to deal with being treated like a leper by parents at my kids school if they see me with it. Just freaking fantastic.

Agreed. It's so common that it makes me question the validity of the person's story about being treated poorly.

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Anonymous wrote:Cancer. Total loss of medical innocence. Every ache and pain is now a reason to worry. Life feels like a countdown until recurrence now.

Thank you for sharing. I have never been able to put into words that feeling of loss of medical security after I had a stroke way too young. You explain it perfectly. I hope you are healthy and happy and remain cancer free.

+1
Went suddenly deaf overnight on one side about 2.5 years ago, and it came with a lot of other issues, like vertigo, tinnitus, and loss of balance. But the fear of losing hearing in the other ear is a fear I'll live with the rest of my life, unless it happens, in which case.... But every little tweak, sound, blip on my good side sends me into a panic. I just really don't want to be fully deaf.

Anonymous wrote:Cancer. Total loss of medical innocence. Every ache and pain is now a reason to worry. Life feels like a countdown until recurrence now.

Thank you for sharing. I have never been able to put into words that feeling of loss of medical security after I had a stroke way too young. You explain it perfectly. I hope you are healthy and happy and remain cancer free.

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Anonymous wrote:These are some terrible stories. They seem like real trauma. I wish people would stop using this phrase to describe the disappointment of not making the soccer team or other trivialities.

I’m a PP, my Dad died young and found out about siblings. I agree with you for the most part. People/therapists talk about my daughter going through the trauma of adoption. It may happen down the road but right now there’s no trauma. She’s happy healthy and fine.
Having said that, just because someone else had a worse trauma/defining moment that I did, doesn’t make my trauma feel less to me.

I hope that your daughter lives a wonderful and fulfilled life. However, as an adoptive mom dealing with child's adoption trauma, it is real. There are so few counselors that know how to deal with it and it impacts every part of their life. It is heartbreaking on so many levels.

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Anonymous wrote:My family moved across the country (pre internet/pre tech) when I was a pre teen and I lost contact with all of my friends.

are you serious? that's it?

NP here.
You know what? My kid is really struggling with a move we made last summer. Her friends have moved on without her, she hasn’t found her feet where we live now, her confidence has plummeted. It is hard to see her so down, and to see what a shift it has been from her former self.
She in fact has gone through a bigger trauma—losing her dad as a toddler—but this isn’t a contest and I do see our move as a defining and traumatic event for her.
Who are you to judge?

Losing your dad prior to forming lasting memories is totally different from a parent losing a child.

DS sexually abused for months by au pair at age 4-5. We only learned about it when he was 17 and had something of a breakdown. I worry about him ALL THE TIME.

OP I am so sorry for those things that happened to you. You deserved so much better.

As for me, when you have a bad childhood, there is no defining trauma (unless you count years 0-18 as defining).

I guess if I had to define it more specifically, I'd say being raised by a mother who had a lot of her own trauma and really no capacity to raise kids well. I have had other traumas, like almost dying of an illness that almost never kills people (for a long time I could't help re-living my time in the hospital and I'd lie awake crying), but they don't define me like my childhood does. My bad childhood really has a chokehold on me, even though I rarely think about it.

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Anonymous wrote:My family moved across the country (pre internet/pre tech) when I was a pre teen and I lost contact with all of my friends.

are you serious? that's it?

NP here.
You know what? My kid is really struggling with a move we made last summer. Her friends have moved on without her, she hasn’t found her feet where we live now, her confidence has plummeted. It is hard to see her so down, and to see what a shift it has been from her former self.
She in fact has gone through a bigger trauma—losing her dad as a toddler—but this isn’t a contest and I do see our move as a defining and traumatic event for her.
Who are you to judge?

My stepfather made me remove my unfinished fruit from the garbage and eat it in front of him before I was allowed to leave for school.