Anonymous wrote:I wish I knew you OP! I would watch your DC!

I am in the same boat. It sucks! My DH and I haven't had an overnight away since we had my second (yep, I am counting my c-section!). I had to beg my healthy parents to do it, including multiple times instances of attempting to back out 2 weeks before I delivered. I had a great childhood and but they both have a lot of trauma in their families of origin and it has manifested in strange ways as they age. My grandma was there for them in this manner to an extent but we never lived close to helpful family as kids so perhaps it's also an expectation thing.

It's hard, and I was way more bitter about it when my kids are little, but I do think there have been benefits in it for DH and me and our family as a unit. We are very resilient and divide and conquer well because we have no choice. We have friends who sign up to be the emergency contact and we do it for them, and I tear home from work to get their sick kids when they can't as if they were my own.

No, we don't get to do overnights together and it does suck. But as your kid gets older, you may find that opportunities arise for you to do that via friends. If someone offers, take them up on it!!

Anonymous wrote:So my husband and I are 40, and we are happy but sometimes exhausted parents of a lively and wonderful 1-year-old. Being older parents, and DH and I both also having parents who had us later in life, the 4 grandparents are all thankfully alive and loving, but in their late 70-early 80's and in varying states of health. They all love visiting with our kid, but none of them are really capable of watching a toddler on their own for even a pretty short period of time.

So when i hear about friends who are able to drop off their young kids off at grandma's and go away for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary, I seethe with jealousy. We wouldn't even be able to do that for a date night. We're probably not going to have another baby, but if we were I'd probably have to stay in the hospital by myself.

I guess I want to hear from others in this situation (or anyone else who has helpful thoughts) on how to deal with this both on an emotional level and a practical one. How to deal with the feelings of disappointment and jealously, and preventing it from turning it into resentment, either towards my parents and IL's who are all honestly lovely, or toward others who have the luxury of young, helpful grandparents?

And then on a practical level, how to compensate for this as much as we can. It's easy for us to trade off to give each other solo breaks, and we can use a babysitter for an evening. But I don't know when we'll ever be to get away by ourselves and be able to relax and reconnect, and I worry about the effect of that on our marriage. At what age is it ok to leave your child with a paid babysitter, or a friend maybe, overnight? I've thought about DH and I taking the day off and doing something fun together while DS is in daycare. Any other strategies?

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Anonymous wrote:I am now seeing the flip side of some of my friends who had significant help from their parents/ILs when their children were younger. Now their parents and/or ILs are older and need a lot of assistance (to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, with paperwork, anything and everything). Some of my friends are openly annoyed to have "so much responsibility" in caring for their elderly. I bite my tongue for it is usually the ones who had the most help early on that are complaining the most bitterly now.

I think caring for aging parents was going to fall on your friends regardless. At least they are close enough to help them without having to travel or having to move their aging parents near them. The only time I've seen a friend get out of eldercare for their parents is when they have a sibling nearby, or their parents need so much help that they put them in an assisted living facility. The best situations are the ones where the aging parents decide to move into one of those independent/assisted living places while they're still active, so that they can make friends and get used to a place before their health starts going downhill.

+1. This is OP. My husband already helps out his parents, who are local, a lot.

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Anonymous wrote:I am a 61 year old grandmother who was a stay at home mom. DH is a year older and retired early. We are not what DCUM would consider wealthy but financially we are quite comfortable. And we are healthy.

All of our kids and grandkids live within a 20 minute drive from us in the DC area, some even closer than that. We had them young (early and mid 20s) and they had their kids relatively young (around 30).

Our kids would likely agree that we have had almost as much of a hand in the grandkids upbringing as they have. Other than extended day after school, they have never had a babysitter or nanny. They routinely spend nights with us. They never have to worry about saying “no” to the weddings of good friends in far away places, planning weekend getaways, etc. I can’t even begin to put a price tag on the amount of help that we give them literally every single day.

They know how lucky they are, and so do we. There’s lots of talk here about the “price you pay when you let the boomers meddle,” but that is just something that people on the defensive make up. The truth is, our kids and their kids would not have anything close to the family lives that they have now if it weren’t for us. But we don’t ever tell them that. We don’t have to. They know it.

Women wait too long to have kids, especially around here, and they’re too driven in their careers and in all the competition to prioritize. They move away from or become semi-estranged from their parents in the relentless pursuit of opportunity and personal fulfillment. Then they get all resentful when parents and other family members can’t or won’t drop everything so they can “have it all.”

You seem quite smug and self-important, and clearly haven't read the thread. It's great that you and your kids have found something that works for you, but your situation is not everyone's situation. You seem to think everything can just be cured by women foregoing education and economic success by prioritizing marriage and children, and by maintaining close relationships with their parents. Those choices have a different set of consequences, some negative. I'd argue that your situation isn't entirely ideal either, for several reasons.

Um, all four of our daughters have masters degrees and productive and high paying jobs. At least two of them out earn their husbands - not that anyone cares.

Not sure how you got the impression that our kids compromised on education or career. They didn’t have to - they had our help.

By the way, it’s not just us helping them. It’s each of them helping each other.

Maybe folks should think twice before moving away from their families to the furthest corners of the earth.

Omg lady you just keep getting worse and worse. As if everyone’s family lives somewhere that education and jobs are plentiful (or like in my case it was my parents who uprooted to some far off, small town in Florida).

Also, not everyone can perfectly control timing of when they meet their spouse, being able to have children when they planned it, or even their family members’ health.

You seem so proud that you did everything right, but based on your smug attitude, I’m going to guess you’re a know-it-all and your kids/in-laws put up with your crap just for the free babysitting. You somehow came out lacking in the empathy department, so something has gone wrong with you along the way.

They probably put up with it for the free babysitting and if that stopped, everything else would too.

DP here. Some families are close knit and some are not. I think the grandma comes from a family where the family culture is to collectively help each other.

Also, the truth is that childcare and women’s rights are completely primitive in this country. So families that are not supporting each other will continue to have stressors. Career women know that the bulk of household responsibilities and child care responsibilities will fall on them, so if they are smart they will move next to parents and ILs who can support them. The grandma is not speaking untruth but the reality is that many people have to move far away from family because of jobs.

Grandma here lol. This is exactly right. And for the record we’re not from some exotic background. We’re an “American” family - just a tight -knit one.

Most recent example: one of our daughters just learned this week of an amazing opportunity that would be really helpful to her career, but requires her to travel for a couple of weeks to a few not real nice places. She has a toddler and a husband who also works full time. Guess who that toddler is going to stay for those few weeks when the dad isn’t around?

Well, aren't you just so wonderful it makes me dizzy!

Thanks! And here’s the thing: I’m not even kidding. If you knew what her assignment was you’d be super impressed. We’re thrilled she’s getting this opportunity and are happy to help out!

The DMV is full of successful and accomplished women. You’ll have more luck bragging to your friends in rural Mississippi.

Ha ha maybe but you’re still jealous anyway

Jealous of what?