Anonymous wrote:I know for certain. And I’m 99 percent certain she does not know. It’s really eating at me, she is a very close friend.

Anonymous wrote:
Two pages in and I don't think I've seen the one thing that usually appears on threads with this question:

What would YOU want to happen if your close friend knew for sure your DH were cheating? For sure, like you say you know for sure?

I'm on Team Tell Her, myself. Think about this: If he's cheating he may bring home an STD and infect her. Or he may be planning to divorce and hiding that from her until he springs it, and she would be blindsided (and wouldn't have as much time as he's gotten to get ready to divorce, protect finances etc.). If you have real information I'd tell her if I were in your shoes.

As others note, you may be risking the friendship by doing so but can you live with the knowledge you have, kept locked in?

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Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend and you are for certain her Dh is cheating, then you tell her.

You tell her it’s none of your business how she decides to handle the situation but that you love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.

I would be so upset if a close friend kept something so important like this from me.

I would be more upset that a friend would make me consider a divorce when I wouldn't know otherwise. I would stop speaking to that friend even if I did get a divorce as a result. The friend more than the husband would be responsible for blowing up my life.

You must have a different kind of marriage than most of us.

If she doesn’t know, her life is not blown up. A person should not get involved with blowing up somebody else’s life. A friend telling could cause a divorce that might never happen otherwise. That is worse than the original offense.

You are mentally ill. World class mental gymnastics right there. Bravo.

A good friend revealing info to a friend is not worse than THE ACTUAL cheating. Wtf?!

I would always want to know. I want agency in my life and I’m serious about my personal health. I also would want to protect my best interests. Who knows if he’s going to run off or knock this woman up? Much better to be prepared and THEN decide what she will and will not tolerate.

These people that want to shame and gaslight the good friends doing what a good friend should do—tell the friend, don’t judge, don’t gossip, support them with whatever decision they come to, etc. are absolutely insane- but we all know are just cheaters trying to persuade people to continue hiding their dirty secrets.

DP but LOL at the inevitable “gaslighting” accusation.

There are arguments for and against telling her. I’m unequivocally against, for reasons many in this thread have explained… not least being, MANY marriages involve one or both partners cheating at some point, yet the spouses and children are far better off having that unfortunate lapse or whatever be taken to the grave. I GUARANTEE you that somewhere in your life—a marriage, a friendship, your parents, extended family, a work situation, whatever—there is something fairly significant that you don’t know about and your life and mental health are better for it. That is a near certainty. For anyone.

That’s setting aside the massive proportion of people who either know and consent to a spouse stepping out, or know and don’t necessarily consent but begrudgingly have agreed to accept it and not make an issue because on balance they prefer a drama free family life even at that expense.

By inserting yourself, you are FORCING your friend into a corner. It’s like outing someone who’s gay without asking first. “Oh, good for you! Congratulations on living your truth. Clear conscience and, bonus, what a hero you are!” Nevermind the f!cking person whose life you just ruined. This is entirely about a selfish interest in either creating drama or relieving yourself of guilt. MYOB.

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Please tell me. Always.

I want agency in my life always. I don’t rug sweep or put me head in the sand.

I want honesty and transparency always, even if the truth hurts.

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Anonymous wrote:If it were a good friend of mine--good enough that I would be the person they would turn to for advice, etc--I would probably tell them directly. Although I would also take into account--do they have very young children? is this going to destroy her/them? Is he generally a bad guy and treats her poorly all the time or is he having some kind of midlife crisis? Is this cheating a real affair with a danger of him leaving her or a one night stand in a bar? I know that for me, as a married woman, some situations I could get past, and others not. If my spouse were carrying on and in love with another woman for some period of time I absolutely would want to know. If he got drunk and slept with someone on a trip and didn't do it on the regular, I would rather not know.

Anyway, if I felt the information would be important to her, I would say something directly.

the risk is that you lose the friendship, not that you've done anything wrong but she can't handle being around you and knowing that you know....on the other hand, can you handle being around her and knowing what you now without saying anything?

I also think that if a *good* friend of mine had this information and did not tell me, they would no longer be a good friend. Id feel BOTH the weirdness/shame that they know this about my marriage/husband AND the disappointment that they didn't tell me.

OP - the questions above are not yours to weigh. They are for your friend to weigh and decide for her own life.

It is not OP's place to put her in the position of deciding. That puts her more responsible for the fallout than the cheater. MYOB.

The bold--Oh, hell, no. No one is more responsible for the clusterf**k than the cheater. What a skewed way you have of looking at things.

Most affairs are not discovered. Telling when it may not be otherwise found out directly puts the friend in a worse position. Start thinking logically and not emotionally.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think I would want a friend to tell me.

Do you know the AP?

Could you send a note or email that would prompt your friend to think it came from the AP?

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Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend and you are for certain her Dh is cheating, then you tell her.

You tell her it’s none of your business how she decides to handle the situation but that you love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.

I would be so upset if a close friend kept something so important like this from me.

I would be more upset that a friend would make me consider a divorce when I wouldn't know otherwise. I would stop speaking to that friend even if I did get a divorce as a result. The friend more than the husband would be responsible for blowing up my life.

You must have a different kind of marriage than most of us.

If she doesn’t know, her life is not blown up. A person should not get involved with blowing up somebody else’s life. A friend telling could cause a divorce that might never happen otherwise. That is worse than the original offense.

You are mentally ill. World class mental gymnastics right there. Bravo.

A good friend revealing info to a friend is not worse than THE ACTUAL cheating. Wtf?!

I would always want to know. I want agency in my life and I’m serious about my personal health. I also would want to protect my best interests. Who knows if he’s going to run off or knock this woman up? Much better to be prepared and THEN decide what she will and will not tolerate.

These people that want to shame and gaslight the good friends doing what a good friend should do—tell the friend, don’t judge, don’t gossip, support them with whatever decision they come to, etc. are absolutely insane- but we all know are just cheaters trying to persuade people to continue hiding their dirty secrets.

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend and you are for certain her Dh is cheating, then you tell her.

You tell her it’s none of your business how she decides to handle the situation but that you love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.

I would be so upset if a close friend kept something so important like this from me.

I would be more upset that a friend would make me consider a divorce when I wouldn't know otherwise. I would stop speaking to that friend even if I did get a divorce as a result. The friend more than the husband would be responsible for blowing up my life.

You must have a different kind of marriage than most of us.

If she doesn’t know, her life is not blown up. A person should not get involved with blowing up somebody else’s life. A friend telling could cause a divorce that might never happen otherwise. That is worse than the original offense.

You are mentally ill. World class mental gymnastics right there. Bravo.

A good friend revealing info to a friend is not worse than THE ACTUAL cheating. Wtf?!

I would always want to know. I want agency in my life and I’m serious about my personal health. I also would want to protect my best interests. Who knows if he’s going to run off or knock this woman up? Much better to be prepared and THEN decide what she will and will not tolerate.

These people that want to shame and gaslight the good friends doing what a good friend should do—tell the friend, don’t judge, don’t gossip, support them with whatever decision they come to, etc. are absolutely insane- but we all know are just cheaters trying to persuade people to continue hiding their dirty secrets.

Anonymous wrote:I’m an open book and I value honesty and transparency. I would not hide damning info like that from someone I consider a good friend.

Someone I was a mere acquaintance and really didn’t know well is one thing, but anyone dear to me : a friend or sibling…I am sitting them down, having the tough conversation and being supportive of whatever that want to do. I’m not judging them.

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Anonymous wrote:If she’s your close friend and you are for certain her Dh is cheating, then you tell her.

You tell her it’s none of your business how she decides to handle the situation but that you love her and are there for her no matter what she decides.

I would be so upset if a close friend kept something so important like this from me.

I would be more upset that a friend would make me consider a divorce when I wouldn't know otherwise. I would stop speaking to that friend even if I did get a divorce as a result. The friend more than the husband would be responsible for blowing up my life.

You must have a different kind of marriage than most of us.

If she doesn’t know, her life is not blown up. A person should not get involved with blowing up somebody else’s life. A friend telling could cause a divorce that might never happen otherwise. That is worse than the original offense.