Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 20:47     Subject: Re:Drinks with female colleague
Woman here. I’ve had two male friends (one colleague and one met through my job but not a direct colleague) that I have done dinner and drinks with before 1:1. My husband really liked both these men and didn’t care if I was out with them (for instance if he was late at work and I grabbed dinner with them after work). Nothing was ever remotely romantic. The men were both (to my knowledge) happily married as was I. Both of their wives were aware of me but I didn’t know either wife well.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 20:40     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I’d not be fine with this at all. Either the coworker will start to look good, the old “we were friends until” that is fine if two people are single, or the person starts to view their spouse as a nag because you do need to talk about household things and because spouses will ask things of you that nobody else will. “Hey, the towel bar fell off again, did you call the handyman” isn’t something a coworker will ever say to you.
I trust my husband just fine, I’m also not going to be happy if he essentially went out on a date with another woman which is what “drinks with a female coworker” is. Plus, why would anybody want to mix work and alcohol and by work I mean the people you work with. Way too risky in 2023.


+1. I agree with this. Also, in terms of the alcohol thing, it’s one thing for a department/team/group to have drinks together at a holiday party etc. One on one drinks are inherently more intimate and it is a date like setting.


Your spouse probably doesn’t tell you that they go out to lunch, dinner or drinks alone with women. How will you even know? My male coworkers msg me on weekends, on vacations, in the evenings and I bet their wives don’t know either. Just this week my one coworker was on vacation with his family and he sent me a picture of something he thought I would like that he saw at a store. I doubt his wife knows I even exist.

Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 20:24     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:I’d not be fine with this at all. Either the coworker will start to look good, the old “we were friends until” that is fine if two people are single, or the person starts to view their spouse as a nag because you do need to talk about household things and because spouses will ask things of you that nobody else will. “Hey, the towel bar fell off again, did you call the handyman” isn’t something a coworker will ever say to you.
I trust my husband just fine, I’m also not going to be happy if he essentially went out on a date with another woman which is what “drinks with a female coworker” is. Plus, why would anybody want to mix work and alcohol and by work I mean the people you work with. Way too risky in 2023.


+1. I agree with this. Also, in terms of the alcohol thing, it’s one thing for a department/team/group to have drinks together at a holiday party etc. One on one drinks are inherently more intimate and it is a date like setting.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 15:10     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Held hands with a colleague for the ten block walk to our hotel after a dinner meeting, we said goodbye in the elevator and never spoke about it or did it again.


My DH told me a similar thing happened to him but his coworker was so drunk so he helped her back to her room but she passed out and was snoring but he laid down next to her, fully clothed and nothing happened, just because he was worried she’d vomit. He’s avoiding heavy drinking with coworkers out of town now.


that is super weird. like telling your spouse that you had to hold your coworker to keep her warm because heater wasn't working.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 15:06     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:I’d not be fine with this at all. Either the coworker will start to look good, the old “we were friends until” that is fine if two people are single, or the person starts to view their spouse as a nag because you do need to talk about household things and because spouses will ask things of you that nobody else will. “Hey, the towel bar fell off again, did you call the handyman” isn’t something a coworker will ever say to you.
I trust my husband just fine, I’m also not going to be happy if he essentially went out on a date with another woman which is what “drinks with a female coworker” is. Plus, why would anybody want to mix work and alcohol and by work I mean the people you work with. Way too risky in 2023.



What are you talking about? Do you have a job? Plenty of alcohol during and after work events in my world. Do all of you work in a library? What is going on here?
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 13:35     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Held hands with a colleague for the ten block walk to our hotel after a dinner meeting, we said goodbye in the elevator and never spoke about it or did it again.


My DH told me a similar thing happened to him but his coworker was so drunk so he helped her back to her room but she passed out and was snoring but he laid down next to her, fully clothed and nothing happened, just because he was worried she’d vomit. He’s avoiding heavy drinking with coworkers out of town now.


He laid next to her??? After she went to sleep?? That is super weird. And, I have done similar. I was out with a colleaque who passed out at a bar and the EMT asked for him to be watched for a while. I went back and stayed for about 3 hours while he slept. But I didn't lay in his bed! That would have been so weird.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 13:33     Subject: Re:Drinks with female colleague
I have known too many people with stories of getting dinner/drinks with a colleague that months or years later led to an affair (and kids!) to be entirely indifferent to this.

There are too many details that matter to make this ok or not ok but it would certainly get my attention and I would not like it is a pattern formed of drinks together.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 13:21     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
For many years now I’ve been truly puzzled by the maniacal focus on affairs that seems to be so deeply ingrained in the posters here. But reading through this thread, I finally get it: some of you are just really scared. Deeply afraid. Because a huge - too huge - chunk of who you are is tied up in your relationship/marriage. And so you respond the way scared people often do: by reaching for control. Which is totally understandable. But, remember: if you do not address the underlying fear that causes you to react, then no amount of control - real or perceived - will ever really work.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2023 09:29     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
I’d not be fine with this at all. Either the coworker will start to look good, the old “we were friends until” that is fine if two people are single, or the person starts to view their spouse as a nag because you do need to talk about household things and because spouses will ask things of you that nobody else will. “Hey, the towel bar fell off again, did you call the handyman” isn’t something a coworker will ever say to you.
I trust my husband just fine, I’m also not going to be happy if he essentially went out on a date with another woman which is what “drinks with a female coworker” is. Plus, why would anybody want to mix work and alcohol and by work I mean the people you work with. Way too risky in 2023.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2023 21:34     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:Held hands with a colleague for the ten block walk to our hotel after a dinner meeting, we said goodbye in the elevator and never spoke about it or did it again.


My DH told me a similar thing happened to him but his coworker was so drunk so he helped her back to her room but she passed out and was snoring but he laid down next to her, fully clothed and nothing happened, just because he was worried she’d vomit. He’s avoiding heavy drinking with coworkers out of town now.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2023 20:49     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:Held hands with a colleague for the ten block walk to our hotel after a dinner meeting, we said goodbye in the elevator and never spoke about it or did it again.


This is so weird, I love it
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2023 20:49     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
This is how a coworker and I, ultimately, developed big crushes on each other that negatively impacted our working relationship and my relationship with my spouse. We got really close and the chemistry was off the charts. Put an end to our meetings before anything got physical and before anything outright inappropriate was said but it was still not good. Don’t discount the negative that can come with even an office flirtation heavily bolstered by those one on one casual “work” drinks.

Unless it is crucial for one’s role I vote avoid mixing alcohol and one on one meetings with coworkers you would consider sleeping with if you weren’t married.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2023 20:24     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Anonymous wrote:Haven’t any of you been on work travel or something with a guy and they say something like “I bet everyone thinks we are on a date” or something creepy like that? I had this happen one time when I was traveling with an older male colleague who was clearly about to have mid life crisis and it made me realize that sometimes men are having a weird little fantasy that you aren’t even aware of and don’t want to participate in.


Yes. Plenty. But then I just play along and see what I can shake him down for. F the patriarchy and all that.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2023 20:24     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
Held hands with a colleague for the ten block walk to our hotel after a dinner meeting, we said goodbye in the elevator and never spoke about it or did it again.
Anonymous
Post 07/02/2023 20:23     Subject: Drinks with female colleague
then the rumors start...