Anonymous wrote:My advice would be totally different. I did it your way.

I would say get an education, save all your money, never marry and never have kids.

That’s not a life.

My advice would be totally different. I did it your way.

I would say get an education, save all your money, never marry and never have kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 36, had three children between 37 and 44. The OP is absolutely right.

If I could rewrite my life (and no one can), I'd spend 20 to 25 living easy, date with intent to marry at 25, marry around 27 and start procreating at 30. It worked out for us due to sheer luck of fertility but I would have liked to be a younger parent.

I hope you don't kiss your husband with those lips!

Joking - but of course the thing is that you can only plan so much. You can date with intention as much as you like - and still either not get married, or marry someone you don't really like being with, or whatever. It's not like it's just *math*. And you see how well these "had to get married because we were the right ages" marriages go - some good, some bad, but it's not like a guarantee of a happy life. It's not even a guarantee of health and wealth.

I think the whole point OP was making was that you start to date with an intent to marry at 22. It may never happen. Stars may not line up. But do not be closed to the idea if you meet the right person.

I think PP is projecting or a little naive. I knew many men and women in college who were quite blunt about their desire to meet a spouse in college, marry soon after, and begin a life together. And they did just that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 36, had three children between 37 and 44. The OP is absolutely right.

If I could rewrite my life (and no one can), I'd spend 20 to 25 living easy, date with intent to marry at 25, marry around 27 and start procreating at 30. It worked out for us due to sheer luck of fertility but I would have liked to be a younger parent.

I hope you don't kiss your husband with those lips!

Joking - but of course the thing is that you can only plan so much. You can date with intention as much as you like - and still either not get married, or marry someone you don't really like being with, or whatever. It's not like it's just *math*. And you see how well these "had to get married because we were the right ages" marriages go - some good, some bad, but it's not like a guarantee of a happy life. It's not even a guarantee of health and wealth.

I think the whole point OP was making was that you start to date with an intent to marry at 22. It may never happen. Stars may not line up. But do not be closed to the idea if you meet the right person.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late to the party with this thread but want to chime in and ask: What makes anyone think you can really plan these things??

Nice to have an ideal scenario in your head but you're just lucky if life happens to unfold that way.

Binge drinking through college, participating in hookup culture, serial “dating” via apps, birth control, Plan B and abortion are all choices. If you’re serious about finding a good husband and having children in your 20s, you frankly shouldn’t do any of those things.

I actually think there is a strong Christian/conservative streak running through a lot of the hard partying in college. It would not surprise me to find many of the people doing that, also settling down very young.

For starters, all kids do not go nuts in college with hooking up and alcohol abuse. And even if they do, there’s a big difference between partying your freshman year and finding a serious boyfriend vs partying and hooking up all four years of college. And the latter often continues on that same path after college.

P.S. you’re not slick trying to smear Christian/Conservative women as secretly out of control promiscuous boozers.

Dude, be less defensive. Are you trying to deny that people in frats and sororities don't get plastered - and also are part of conservative institutions?

Dude, I think you shouldn’t speak on things you know nothing about. Sure, there are trashy blackout drunk chapters, but there are also goody two shoes chapters, there are nerdy chapters, and chapters in-between who drink but will kick you out for being messy and plastered. The selective chapters with good reputations are not full of perpetual debauchery. They’re full of ambitious men and women who take their coursework very seriously, value their reputation, and would like to leave college with a would-be spouse.

More to the point, men and women talk. Of course you can move to a new city, fire up a dating app and meet a totally random man or woman nobody you know can vet, with zero ties to your hometown, prep school, and college network. But if you marry young, it’s typically someone within those networks, thus your reputation will precede you. Teach your teens to value their character and reputation when it comes to the company they keep, and to abstain from sloppy partying and sleazy hookup culture. And if we’re honest, even if you meet a random man or woman who’s oblivious to such messy history, that history creates mental baggage.

Met at 22, married at 25, first kid at 28. No regrets even now at age 44. I don’t think you need to be married five years before trying for a child if you are both ready. We had known each other for five years but hadn’t been married that long. For us, this schedule allowed us time for 3-4 kids before I turned 35 without wearing ourselves down (we stopped at 3). I enjoy being a fairly young mom of teens because they take up a lot of energy lol.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late to the party with this thread but want to chime in and ask: What makes anyone think you can really plan these things??

Nice to have an ideal scenario in your head but you're just lucky if life happens to unfold that way.

Binge drinking through college, participating in hookup culture, serial “dating” via apps, birth control, Plan B and abortion are all choices. If you’re serious about finding a good husband and having children in your 20s, you frankly shouldn’t do any of those things.

I actually think there is a strong Christian/conservative streak running through a lot of the hard partying in college. It would not surprise me to find many of the people doing that, also settling down very young.

For starters, all kids do not go nuts in college with hooking up and alcohol abuse. And even if they do, there’s a big difference between partying your freshman year and finding a serious boyfriend vs partying and hooking up all four years of college. And the latter often continues on that same path after college.

P.S. you’re not slick trying to smear Christian/Conservative women as secretly out of control promiscuous boozers.

Dude, be less defensive. Are you trying to deny that people in frats and sororities don't get plastered - and also are part of conservative institutions?

Dude, I think you shouldn’t speak on things you know nothing about. Sure, there are trashy blackout drunk chapters, but there are also goody two shoes chapters, there are nerdy chapters, and chapters in-between who drink but will kick you out for being messy and plastered. The selective chapters with good reputations are not full of perpetual debauchery. They’re full of ambitious men and women who take their coursework very seriously, value their reputation, and would like to leave college with a would-be spouse.

I think meeting and marrying someone fairly young and starting to have kids fairly young (fairly young in my book = 20-25 for meeting, 23-30 for kids) if both of you want those things and are committed to growing together as much as possible. This worked beautifully for my sister and BIL, and a friend of mine from college. It worked less well for my father (but in fairness, I don't think either he or his first wife planned to have a kid or get married at 23) and another friend of a friend both of whom divorced by the time they were 30. I think spending 5 years "getting to know each other" isn't helpful prior to kids -- if kids are going to break your relationship, it's going to happen whenever the kids happen. I think it's more important for the spouses to be on the same page about when they want kids (or a house or whatever is important to them) and being committed to working toward that shared timeline together.

But there's no guarantee these plans will work out. I know plenty of couples that met, married, and had kids in their 30s and 40s, whether they spent their 20s searching for a life partner or partying hard. There's no guaranteed path to happiness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late to the party with this thread but want to chime in and ask: What makes anyone think you can really plan these things??

Nice to have an ideal scenario in your head but you're just lucky if life happens to unfold that way.

Binge drinking through college, participating in hookup culture, serial “dating” via apps, birth control, Plan B and abortion are all choices. If you’re serious about finding a good husband and having children in your 20s, you frankly shouldn’t do any of those things.

I did not do any of those things and married at 32. I had a book published when it was difficult at 28. I divorced at 42. Stop acting like you can plan everything and people in their 20s must not be serious if they don't marry in their 20s. I was very serious in my 20s. About paying off debt, advancing my career and fulfillling my goals. As soon as I married, "me" disappeared. Not all spouses will allow each other to be individuals. Some people are controlling and will not compromise and then marriage is miserable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The best relationship advice is to look at the marital history of your significant other's parents. People who have had parents stay married for long lengths of time have more dedication towards making a marriage work.

I agree with this and told my DC to look for this in a future spouse.

Disagree. Both our parents are miserably married forever. We had a miserable marriage and thank god we are divorced. From the outside at the beginning, it looked right. It was a toxic mess. But hey, our parents are married (eyeroll). Nothing worse than being in a miserable marriage for 40+ years. No thanks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late to the party with this thread but want to chime in and ask: What makes anyone think you can really plan these things??

Nice to have an ideal scenario in your head but you're just lucky if life happens to unfold that way.

Binge drinking through college, participating in hookup culture, serial “dating” via apps, birth control, Plan B and abortion are all choices. If you’re serious about finding a good husband and having children in your 20s, you frankly shouldn’t do any of those things.

I actually think there is a strong Christian/conservative streak running through a lot of the hard partying in college. It would not surprise me to find many of the people doing that, also settling down very young.

For starters, all kids do not go nuts in college with hooking up and alcohol abuse. And even if they do, there’s a big difference between partying your freshman year and finding a serious boyfriend vs partying and hooking up all four years of college. And the latter often continues on that same path after college.

P.S. you’re not slick trying to smear Christian/Conservative women as secretly out of control promiscuous boozers.

Dude, be less defensive. Are you trying to deny that people in frats and sororities don't get plastered - and also are part of conservative institutions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late to the party with this thread but want to chime in and ask: What makes anyone think you can really plan these things??

Nice to have an ideal scenario in your head but you're just lucky if life happens to unfold that way.

Binge drinking through college, participating in hookup culture, serial “dating” via apps, birth control, Plan B and abortion are all choices. If you’re serious about finding a good husband and having children in your 20s, you frankly shouldn’t do any of those things.

I actually think there is a strong Christian/conservative streak running through a lot of the hard partying in college. It would not surprise me to find many of the people doing that, also settling down very young.

For starters, all kids do not go nuts in college with hooking up and alcohol abuse. And even if they do, there’s a big difference between partying your freshman year and finding a serious boyfriend vs partying and hooking up all four years of college. And the latter often continues on that same path after college.

P.S. you’re not slick trying to smear Christian/Conservative women as secretly out of control promiscuous boozers.

Most of the happily married women I know were not necessarily married by 22-27, but they met and got serious with their future spouses during that time frame, often in grad school. I met my husband in law school and married at 27.
22-27 are prime dating years for women so if you do want marriage and kids (and it's fine if you don't!), it is smart to date for marriage at these ages. Good men get snapped up early; the ones who don't are players or they date younger.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 36, had three children between 37 and 44. The OP is absolutely right.

If I could rewrite my life (and no one can), I'd spend 20 to 25 living easy, date with intent to marry at 25, marry around 27 and start procreating at 30. It worked out for us due to sheer luck of fertility but I would have liked to be a younger parent.

I hope you don't kiss your husband with those lips!

Joking - but of course the thing is that you can only plan so much. You can date with intention as much as you like - and still either not get married, or marry someone you don't really like being with, or whatever. It's not like it's just *math*. And you see how well these "had to get married because we were the right ages" marriages go - some good, some bad, but it's not like a guarantee of a happy life. It's not even a guarantee of health and wealth.

Of course. I agree. You cannot really plan it out and hope it will all turn out like you planned. Just a point that it's good to be clear-eyed about your goals instead of anything-goes.

I would also note that this plan hinges on the availability of marriageable men at these same age brackets. Unfortunately, not many good men are marriage minded at that point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why should anyone care what your advice is? What are your qualifications?

I have a bachelor’s degree in Family Relationships, a master’s in relationship advice (with a specialization in non-explicit) and am working on a PhD in Adult Children.