Why is everything a contest of the sexes these days?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.

Honest question: Why do you get to blame cheating and acting out/cheating on 'your hormones', but men with 15 times the amount of testosterone and drive you experience at that time never get to? That is how men feel for the majority of their lives and many are able to control themselves and not cheat.

As DW, I agree with you that neither party gets a pass on cheating.

You DO get a pass if your partner no longer is interested in sex, yet wants to remain married.

Nope. Divorce instead.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It takes less to make men come content. Women are more complex emotionally. Lesbians and straight women initiate divorce at higher rates.

Also, men who lack the spark will often cheat but not want to end their marriage. They can separate sex and love

Men will stay in a marriage, but completely check out, start petty arguments, and/or cheat until their wives file.

+1 That's exactly how my former marriage went down.

I know of a marriage where this has happened but the wife still won’t file. She’s very devoted to staying married even though her DH, who wouldn’t have much on his own because she’s always earned more, has done all the above.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me to contrast the comments in this thread--where everyone seems certain that women are screwed over by marriage--with the threads where women are pissed that they can't get a man to settle down and marry. Why is it that worldly, well educated women want something that is so bad for them?

Because they want children and unfortunately society still shames never-married single mothers.

Unless you’re Charlize Theron.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys are probably much less likely to share this information with you than women since I assume you have closer relationships with more women than men.

I'm a guy and I, as well as many of my male friends, feel similar to you regarding the spark being gone and marriage being somewhat of a grind. At least for me it's not a reflection on DW and is most likely just how things are with younger children and the level of time and energy they require not leaving much room for anything else. I wouldn't leave over it or have an affair over it, it's just the way things are.

+100. This is spot on. This is about the grind and realizing that it’s a phase in life. Love that you realize it and are so mature about it.

Disagree. PP is talking about the young kid phase, yet the subject thread is about midlife. (Note to PP: if your DW is all about the kids and totally ignoring you, do both of you a favor and go have that affair).
It's one thing for the marriage to lose some degree of "spark" with newborns/infants in the house. And MAYBE (?) this is even slightly valid with "younger children". But at some point, it is NOT "just a phase in life" rather you are using "the kids" as a convenient excuse to avoid an actual RELATIONSHIP with your spouse. So No: I do not believe kids are a (valid) factor in midlife marital unhappiness.

So obnoxious. 99.99% of the time the reason the DW is "ignoring" the husband is because he's not helping with the kids. For him to then go pout and risk blowing up the family is just the most immature, selfish behavior.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.

Honest question: Why do you get to blame cheating and acting out/cheating on 'your hormones', but men with 15 times the amount of testosterone and drive you experience at that time never get to? That is how men feel for the majority of their lives and many are able to control themselves and not cheat.

As DW, I agree with you that neither party gets a pass on cheating.

You DO get a pass if your partner no longer is interested in sex, yet wants to remain married.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys are probably much less likely to share this information with you than women since I assume you have closer relationships with more women than men.

I'm a guy and I, as well as many of my male friends, feel similar to you regarding the spark being gone and marriage being somewhat of a grind. At least for me it's not a reflection on DW and is most likely just how things are with younger children and the level of time and energy they require not leaving much room for anything else. I wouldn't leave over it or have an affair over it, it's just the way things are.

+100. This is spot on. This is about the grind and realizing that it’s a phase in life. Love that you realize it and are so mature about it.

Disagree. PP is talking about the young kid phase, yet the subject thread is about midlife. (Note to PP: if your DW is all about the kids and totally ignoring you, do both of you a favor and go have that affair).
It's one thing for the marriage to lose some degree of "spark" with newborns/infants in the house. And MAYBE (?) this is even slightly valid with "younger children". But at some point, it is NOT "just a phase in life" rather you are using "the kids" as a convenient excuse to avoid an actual RELATIONSHIP with your spouse. So No: I do not believe kids are a (valid) factor in midlife marital unhappiness.

My ex wanted to have sex with as many people as possible after the kids were grown. We had different visions for our life post raisings kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.

Honest question: Why do you get to blame cheating and acting out/cheating on 'your hormones', but men with 15 times the amount of testosterone and drive you experience at that time never get to? That is how men feel for the majority of their lives and many are able to control themselves and not cheat.

As DW, I agree with you that neither party gets a pass on cheating.

Anonymous wrote:Guys are probably much less likely to share this information with you than women since I assume you have closer relationships with more women than men.

I'm a guy and I, as well as many of my male friends, feel similar to you regarding the spark being gone and marriage being somewhat of a grind. At least for me it's not a reflection on DW and is most likely just how things are with younger children and the level of time and energy they require not leaving much room for anything else. I wouldn't leave over it or have an affair over it, it's just the way things are.

+100. This is spot on. This is about the grind and realizing that it’s a phase in life. Love that you realize it and are so mature about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.

Honest question: Why do you get to blame cheating and acting out/cheating on 'your hormones', but men with 15 times the amount of testosterone and drive you experience at that time never get to? That is how men feel for the majority of their lives and many are able to control themselves and not cheat.

Not sure however my ex husband went 20 years with no sex drive and then it came up all of a sudden at mid life and he became an addict. I think people have a wide range of hormones and health from what I've experienced. That's why these discussions never go anywhere. There is always an exception to the rule.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.

Honest question: Why do you get to blame cheating and acting out/cheating on 'your hormones', but men with 15 times the amount of testosterone and drive you experience at that time never get to? That is how men feel for the majority of their lives and many are able to control themselves and not cheat.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.

I think this happens for men too. Midlife Crisis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.

Sometimes the hormones just result in anxiety, anger and loss of patience--without any cheating like you suggest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 40s DW. I’m pretty over being married to my spouse. Nothing wrong with DH or our marriage, I just don’t feel a spark. A number of my female friends say they feel the Same. Yet, the men I know of the same age seem blissfully happy, including my DH.

What gives? Any DH out there want to shed light? DWs is it a perimenopause midlife crisis?

You want to blow up your life because you don’t feel a “spark”? Most marriage after a decade is about trust, companionship, and shared history/children.

If you want more spark, have more sex and it will help.

I’m sure your DH reflects and wishes he made different choices we just don’t dwell on it (instead we act out in dumb ways so watch for that)

+100 Women in their 40's lose their minds due to hormonal changes - they get really horny for a while and do crazy stuff. That combined with a lackluster marriage can end it a disaster. Spoiler alert - the horniness doesn't last, but the decisions do.