Anonymous
07/11/2022 10:08
Subject: Re:Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hopefully she’s not one of the countless women that rewrite history and overlook this moment. Then comes back her in a year or so pining for “the one that hit away”. Her true love she can’t be with.
When someone ends a relationship that way they reached a breaking point and want to make sure you never reach out again. If your have had prior break up:get together patterns and not talking stages then back together …it is a dysfunctional relationship with dysfunctional people and it’s the only way he can get through your head “it’s over. Finito.”
Uh, no, it's not the only way to get that through someone's head. Btw, if they had previous break ups and then got back together, he was an active participant in that.
And, if he’s an abuser / narcissist, the getting back together is part of what he enjoys. It’s a sick cycle. Which is why OP needs to not let this man back. Regardless of his motives and profile, the way he treated her was abusive and not acceptable. No amount of apologies would make me come back to a man who called me lower than a cockroach. Disgusting.
I mean, to be fair maybe he didn't enjoy it (I'm still not comfortable dx-ing a guy I've never met as a narcissist or worse based on one DCUM post - I will take OP's word for it that this happened, but as someone else said pages ago, people can do awful stuff like this and not have a "monster lurking under the surface). Maybe he and OP were breaking up and getting back together and he thought it was dysfunctional and she wanted to keep getting back together more. I have no idea. But the point is, if that's the case, he WAS getting back together with her. She wasn't forcing him at gunpoint.
Anonymous
07/11/2022 09:59
Subject: Re:Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Hopefully she’s not one of the countless women that rewrite history and overlook this moment. Then comes back her in a year or so pining for “the one that hit away”. Her true love she can’t be with.
When someone ends a relationship that way they reached a breaking point and want to make sure you never reach out again. If your have had prior break up:get together patterns and not talking stages then back together …it is a dysfunctional relationship with dysfunctional people and it’s the only way he can get through your head “it’s over. Finito.”
Uh, no, it's not the only way to get that through someone's head. Btw, if they had previous break ups and then got back together, he was an active participant in that.
And, if he’s an abuser / narcissist, the getting back together is part of what he enjoys. It’s a sick cycle. Which is why OP needs to not let this man back. Regardless of his motives and profile, the way he treated her was abusive and not acceptable. No amount of apologies would make me come back to a man who called me lower than a cockroach. Disgusting.
Anonymous
07/11/2022 09:51
Subject: Re:Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:Hopefully she’s not one of the countless women that rewrite history and overlook this moment. Then comes back her in a year or so pining for “the one that hit away”. Her true love she can’t be with.
When someone ends a relationship that way they reached a breaking point and want to make sure you never reach out again. If your have had prior break up:get together patterns and not talking stages then back together …it is a dysfunctional relationship with dysfunctional people and it’s the only way he can get through your head “it’s over. Finito.”
Uh, no, it's not the only way to get that through someone's head. Btw, if they had previous break ups and then got back together, he was an active participant in that.
Anonymous
07/11/2022 09:38
Subject: Re:Cruel Break-Up
Hopefully she’s not one of the countless women that rewrite history and overlook this moment. Then comes back her in a year or so pining for “the one that hit away”. Her true love she can’t be with.
When someone ends a relationship that way they reached a breaking point and want to make sure you never reach out again. If your have had prior break up:get together patterns and not talking stages then back together …it is a dysfunctional relationship with dysfunctional people and it’s the only way he can get through your head “it’s over. Finito.”
When someone ends a relationship that way they reached a breaking point and want to make sure you never reach out again. If your have had prior break up:get together patterns and not talking stages then back together …it is a dysfunctional relationship with dysfunctional people and it’s the only way he can get through your head “it’s over. Finito.”
Anonymous
07/11/2022 07:59
Subject: Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:You dodged a bullet, OP.
This. I'm only sad that it took you a few years and a birthday to dodge it. But you'll get through this.
Anonymous
07/11/2022 07:53
Subject: Cruel Break-Up
I know it is easier said than done but I would truly try to never give this man a second thought.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 20:56
Subject: Re:Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, do you by any chance have ADHD? Asking bc you sound like someone who has self-esteem issues and who feels like there may be truth / accuracy to what he says and that you are defective and need to improve. These people frequently are attracted to over-controlling Type-A types with higher standards who keep them organized and help them make decisions, and it can be a very destructive pairing.
Op - I am super disorganized, which he hated about me. I don't have ADHD - I was tested twice as a kid and they said no, I wasn't, though I did have some traits (like being disorganized). But yes, he was super organized and I am not.
DP but you could literally live in a barn and I would still think the way he spoke to you was inappropriate.
Lots of disorganized people are married.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 18:07
Subject: Re:Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:OP, do you by any chance have ADHD? Asking bc you sound like someone who has self-esteem issues and who feels like there may be truth / accuracy to what he says and that you are defective and need to improve. These people frequently are attracted to over-controlling Type-A types with higher standards who keep them organized and help them make decisions, and it can be a very destructive pairing.
Op - I am super disorganized, which he hated about me. I don't have ADHD - I was tested twice as a kid and they said no, I wasn't, though I did have some traits (like being disorganized). But yes, he was super organized and I am not.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 18:03
Subject: Cruel Break-Up
I just don't see the need to say any of that. To anyone. Breaking up or not. Bad breakup or not. Literally cannot fathom a world where I'd speak that way to another human.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 18:00
Subject: Cruel Break-Up
You dodged a bullet, OP.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 17:56
Subject: Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He showed you who he really is. Be glad it was now and not after you married and had kids with him. Block him and do not look back. If he apologizes, do not get get back together with him. And learn to stay away from temperamental guys.
This. Please, OP, do not second guess that while this is incredibly painful, the reality is that this guy is no good. He may have had nice qualities - many abusers do - but he is an abuser at his core. Get therapy to help you process the grief, which is very real. BUT DO NOT GET BACK WITH THIS MAN. He will get worse and worse with time. I speak from experience and now in the midst of a divorce with someone very similar. Do not do it.
Op here. First of all, thank you everyone for the kind words. I am with my parents and calling/texting friends but just writing it out as has been helpful.
I do not think he meets the true definition of an abuser. I am not getting back together with him, don't worry, I just think calling him an abuser is unfair. We were happy together for many years until last week. He was moody, had a superiority complex, and could be a major douche at times, but I NEVER felt unsafe with him and I never felt disrespected to such an extent until the night he broke up with me.
Anyway, just wanted to clarify. Not white knighting for him because I am really hurt and frankly, pissed off, by the way he spoke to me.
Just so you know, it starts out this way and it keeps escalating as life becomes more complex and stressful. Sorry, but this dude has yet to experience the overwhelm of being a parent or real challenges of life and he is losing his shit over chip crumbs.
Learn to spot a-holes early on or you will end up in this situation again.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 17:35
Subject: Re:Cruel Break-Up
OP, do you by any chance have ADHD? Asking bc you sound like someone who has self-esteem issues and who feels like there may be truth / accuracy to what he says and that you are defective and need to improve. These people frequently are attracted to over-controlling Type-A types with higher standards who keep them organized and help them make decisions, and it can be a very destructive pairing.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 17:32
Subject: Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He showed you who he really is. Be glad it was now and not after you married and had kids with him. Block him and do not look back. If he apologizes, do not get get back together with him. And learn to stay away from temperamental guys.
This. Please, OP, do not second guess that while this is incredibly painful, the reality is that this guy is no good. He may have had nice qualities - many abusers do - but he is an abuser at his core. Get therapy to help you process the grief, which is very real. BUT DO NOT GET BACK WITH THIS MAN. He will get worse and worse with time. I speak from experience and now in the midst of a divorce with someone very similar. Do not do it.
Op here. First of all, thank you everyone for the kind words. I am with my parents and calling/texting friends but just writing it out as has been helpful.
I do not think he meets the true definition of an abuser. I am not getting back together with him, don't worry, I just think calling him an abuser is unfair. We were happy together for many years until last week. He was moody, had a superiority complex, and could be a major douche at times, but I NEVER felt unsafe with him and I never felt disrespected to such an extent until the night he broke up with me.
Anyway, just wanted to clarify. Not white knighting for him because I am really hurt and frankly, pissed off, by the way he spoke to me.
I’m the PP you’re responding to and would say that this man is not only abusive but will absolutely try and re-enter your life. The insults he said to you are by definition abusive - they’re intended to hurt and scar you. My soon to be ex husband never hurled a real insult my way until we were married (after three years of dating / engagement) and all of a sudden during what seemed like an ordinary fight he unleashed a tirade of hurtful, nasty things. Then he apologized … time went by … then it happened again … then he apologized, was super sweet, all sorts of apologetic … then it happened again. And each time it got worse and worse and it got scary. This unfolded over time. When the water gets hot slowly you don’t realize you’re boiling. In retrospect, there were red flags before our marriage (he could be moody, he was controlling, he was hot/cold and sometimes very critical). All I can say is my marriage has been hell. This man showed you who you are and you were smart enough to post and get feedback. Don’t get back with this man. Please.
+1 from someone who left a similar situation and is now a single parent on a reduced income and struggling to stay in my spot on the ladder, or even the same general area, don't get back with him. What I would not give to be 29 & single again and able to make different decisions.
Anonymous
07/10/2022 17:27
Subject: Cruel Break-Up
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:He showed you who he really is. Be glad it was now and not after you married and had kids with him. Block him and do not look back. If he apologizes, do not get get back together with him. And learn to stay away from temperamental guys.
This. Please, OP, do not second guess that while this is incredibly painful, the reality is that this guy is no good. He may have had nice qualities - many abusers do - but he is an abuser at his core. Get therapy to help you process the grief, which is very real. BUT DO NOT GET BACK WITH THIS MAN. He will get worse and worse with time. I speak from experience and now in the midst of a divorce with someone very similar. Do not do it.
+1 took many months for this side of my abuser to show (more mildly than this) and we were already living together and planning marriage. Didn't get fully to the point above until 2 years later and he only hit me once I was already pregnant.