Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry OP.

First, just put on your oxygen mask. Make sure you are eating, sleeping, and staying hydrated. Foist childcare onto your DH or a babysitter. Take care of you.

Yeah, you don't want to tell EVERYONE, but as a betrayed wife myself, let me just say that it's BS that we're supposed to keep this a secret. Tell your best friend; tell your sister. You will need them. They will love and forgive your DH if you decide to. IF.

If OW has a husband, tell him. But I'm guessing she doesn't if she thinks this Hail Mary will score her your cheating husband. Maybe she left hers at the beginning of the affair? And now she's got a cost sunk thing going on? IDK, just guesses. We need more info to give better advice.

As for your DH, a lot depends on how he is acting now. Is he remorseful? Did he end it with her and now she's gone bunny boiler? Or is he blame-y and whiney and trying to shut down your questions and pain? Or have you not confronted him yet?

You don't need to make any decisions right now. You can separate, or not. You can ask him to stay with his mom or a friend, or not. See a lawyer. Get an STI panel. Take care of yourself (I signed myself up for monthly massages right after DDay, and I still go today, 7 years later . . . take care of you). Prioritize individual counseling for you both before marital counseling . . . too often you get a therapist trying to make everything 50/50 rather than treating an affair like the abusive trauma that it is.

You WILL get through this. You will be happy again. Deep breaths, and one step at a time. . . .

This is excellent advice. I went through this 18 months ago and the best advice I got was to relieve myself of the pressure of making an immediate decision. My advice would be similar: take care of yourself first! I went to my doctor and did a full STD panel, got pills for sleeping and anxiety even though I had never needed them before in my life. This really helped me just make it through the day. I lost 15 pounds but once I started taking Ensure and drinking smoothies, I felt a little better. I confided in a few close friends and they were an AMAZING support system. They did not judge at all but just helped take care of me. Making a lifelong decision when you are in the throes of trauma is not beneficial to anyone. I asked my husband to move out briefly a few months after I found out bc it took me time to decide what I wanted and what I could live with. We ended up reconciling but I'm really happy that I gave myself time to make a decision when I was not in the middle of extreme devastation. I think cheaters really underestimate what the f--ck they are putting their spouse through with their selfish actions.

+1,000,000

They have no idea until they look and see exactly what their actions did to others. And only if they are self-aware and decent do they feel like a big piece of remorseful sh*t and spend the rest of their days making up for it and actively fixing what is defective inside themselves.

Exactly this. DH was shocked how profoundly his affair affected me. Things weren't terribly great between us at the time of the affair, and he thought I wouldn't care that much. When he realized how wrong he was, he clearly felt like the scumbag he was and has been trying to get his life together ever since. Worst mistake of his life and one he will now how to spend the rest of life atoning for. What an idiot.

+3,000,000

DP. I will add, he didn’t realize how badly it affected himself as well when it all came to light. He hit a major rock bottom and he went through a lot of mental health issues and therapy when what he was doing was not the person he ever wanted to be (hello FIL). He also went dry for a year. Complete identity crisis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

If you would actually go to therapy you would know that therapy isn't for "broken loons who have massive defects." It's for flawed people, which means literally everyone. And do you really think it's any more healthy and normal for a married man to have an affair than it is for a single man to...not have an affair? If you do then goodness gracious what on earth does marriage mean to you? Why get married at all if you think it doesn't mean you have obligations to your spouse?

It's hilarious that you don't think monogamy is hard for women.

Most men could benefit from therapy because they don't have male best friends to bond with. Not all! just a lot. We don't value male emotions and friendships, so they suffer. And the reason men go to therapy is becuase their wives want them to ... because their wife is going to stay with them. If women are having exit affairs what is the point of therapy? She's really just out of there.

My SO (male) is a man who doesn't have close male friends. I wish he did so he'd have somebody to talk with about male emotional things. I'm too close to the situation. But a therapist would fit the bill. A paid friend and confidant.

Monogamy is hard for almost everybody.

My husband has good friends, but they don't talk about deep feelings, fears, insecurities. His best friend is a cheater so there's that too. He isn't sympathetic to being monogamous so it's not like he can discuss that with him. He has pretty much pulled away as this guy has turned out at 50 to be much different than he sees himself, doesn't condone the cheating.

DP, not the one to whom you're replying. Just to say, my own DH is like yours--his once-good friend who was his best man carried on a long affair and DH completely pulled away. DH essentially picked the wife, who was our close friend, over the husband who cheated. Decent guys who are monogamous don't want to be around the selfishness of men who cheat. If DH had not cut off this former friend, I'd have had some real issues with DH.

Same goes for decent women. Decent women don't want to be around women that cheat on their husbands either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

If you would actually go to therapy you would know that therapy isn't for "broken loons who have massive defects." It's for flawed people, which means literally everyone. And do you really think it's any more healthy and normal for a married man to have an affair than it is for a single man to...not have an affair? If you do then goodness gracious what on earth does marriage mean to you? Why get married at all if you think it doesn't mean you have obligations to your spouse?

It's hilarious that you don't think monogamy is hard for women.

Most men could benefit from therapy because they don't have male best friends to bond with. Not all! just a lot. We don't value male emotions and friendships, so they suffer. And the reason men go to therapy is becuase their wives want them to ... because their wife is going to stay with them. If women are having exit affairs what is the point of therapy? She's really just out of there.

My SO (male) is a man who doesn't have close male friends. I wish he did so he'd have somebody to talk with about male emotional things. I'm too close to the situation. But a therapist would fit the bill. A paid friend and confidant.

Monogamy is hard for almost everybody.

My husband has good friends, but they don't talk about deep feelings, fears, insecurities. His best friend is a cheater so there's that too. He isn't sympathetic to being monogamous so it's not like he can discuss that with him. He has pretty much pulled away as this guy has turned out at 50 to be much different than he sees himself, doesn't condone the cheating.

DP, not the one to whom you're replying. Just to say, my own DH is like yours--his once-good friend who was his best man carried on a long affair and DH completely pulled away. DH essentially picked the wife, who was our close friend, over the husband who cheated. Decent guys who are monogamous don't want to be around the selfishness of men who cheat. If DH had not cut off this former friend, I'd have had some real issues with DH.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

If you would actually go to therapy you would know that therapy isn't for "broken loons who have massive defects." It's for flawed people, which means literally everyone. And do you really think it's any more healthy and normal for a married man to have an affair than it is for a single man to...not have an affair? If you do then goodness gracious what on earth does marriage mean to you? Why get married at all if you think it doesn't mean you have obligations to your spouse?

It's hilarious that you don't think monogamy is hard for women.

Most men could benefit from therapy because they don't have male best friends to bond with. Not all! just a lot. We don't value male emotions and friendships, so they suffer. And the reason men go to therapy is becuase their wives want them to ... because their wife is going to stay with them. If women are having exit affairs what is the point of therapy? She's really just out of there.

My SO (male) is a man who doesn't have close male friends. I wish he did so he'd have somebody to talk with about male emotional things. I'm too close to the situation. But a therapist would fit the bill. A paid friend and confidant.

Monogamy is hard for almost everybody.

My husband has good friends, but they don't talk about deep feelings, fears, insecurities. His best friend is a cheater so there's that too. He isn't sympathetic to being monogamous so it's not like he can discuss that with him. He has pretty much pulled away as this guy has turned out at 50 to be much different than he sees himself, doesn't condone the cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

If you would actually go to therapy you would know that therapy isn't for "broken loons who have massive defects." It's for flawed people, which means literally everyone. And do you really think it's any more healthy and normal for a married man to have an affair than it is for a single man to...not have an affair? If you do then goodness gracious what on earth does marriage mean to you? Why get married at all if you think it doesn't mean you have obligations to your spouse?

It's hilarious that you don't think monogamy is hard for women.

Most men could benefit from therapy because they don't have male best friends to bond with. Not all! just a lot. We don't value male emotions and friendships, so they suffer. And the reason men go to therapy is becuase their wives want them to ... because their wife is going to stay with them. If women are having exit affairs what is the point of therapy? She's really just out of there.

My SO (male) is a man who doesn't have close male friends. I wish he did so he'd have somebody to talk with about male emotional things. I'm too close to the situation. But a therapist would fit the bill. A paid friend and confidant.

Monogamy is hard for almost everybody.

My husband has good friends, but they don't talk about deep feelings, fears, insecurities. His best friend is a cheater so there's that too. He isn't sympathetic to being monogamous so it's not like he can discuss that with him. He has pretty much pulled away as this guy has turned out at 50 to be much different than he sees himself, doesn't condone the cheating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

If you would actually go to therapy you would know that therapy isn't for "broken loons who have massive defects." It's for flawed people, which means literally everyone. And do you really think it's any more healthy and normal for a married man to have an affair than it is for a single man to...not have an affair? If you do then goodness gracious what on earth does marriage mean to you? Why get married at all if you think it doesn't mean you have obligations to your spouse?

It's hilarious that you don't think monogamy is hard for women.

Most men could benefit from therapy because they don't have male best friends to bond with. Not all! just a lot. We don't value male emotions and friendships, so they suffer. And the reason men go to therapy is becuase their wives want them to ... because their wife is going to stay with them. If women are having exit affairs what is the point of therapy? She's really just out of there.

My SO (male) is a man who doesn't have close male friends. I wish he did so he'd have somebody to talk with about male emotional things. I'm too close to the situation. But a therapist would fit the bill. A paid friend and confidant.

Monogamy is hard for almost everybody.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

If you would actually go to therapy you would know that therapy isn't for "broken loons who have massive defects." It's for flawed people, which means literally everyone. And do you really think it's any more healthy and normal for a married man to have an affair than it is for a single man to...not have an affair? If you do then goodness gracious what on earth does marriage mean to you? Why get married at all if you think it doesn't mean you have obligations to your spouse?

It's hilarious that you don't think monogamy is hard for women.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's high school sweetheart is a B____ with a capital B for telling you.

No. Op’s husband is an ahole for having a three year affair an assuming it would never get out. The other woman is irrelevant.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Well said.

If you are a single man and seek sex it's healthy and normal. If you are married and lonely and seek sek it's because you are a broken loon who has a massive defect.

Monogamy is hard, and it's really, really hard for men and darn near impossible if he isn't in a loving marriage. Women don't understand this and I envy them.

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:This OP is clearly a troll. I asked Jeff on Website Feedback to confirm.

Anonymous wrote:This OP is clearly a troll. I asked Jeff on Website Feedback to confirm.

Anonymous wrote:I often wonder why these threads have so much talk about the husband needing therapy to address cheating. The guy did what he did because he wasn’t happy or wanted variety and gave into temptation that was appealing because in some cases the woman gave his attention and the experience felt fresh. I’d call him weak for giving in but I wouldn’t insist it’s always due to his traumatic childhood or that he must be psychologically broken because he slept with someone else. No diagnosis needed. People do this deliberately. They want to cheat snd get away with it. The opportunity was there.

When women cheat they usually don’t go running to therapy. Could you just imagine a man telling another man oh my Larla cheated, I’ve a great therapist to help you two stay together. Hell no. It’s chalked up to an exit affair. How many women who have cheated even declare they need therapy? I doubt most husbands would even consider that as a remedy. The husband files for divorce and that’s the end of it. Or she runs off with the AP and lives the life she wants (usually never ends that way). And the world sees her as a whore. Most husbands get off easy because their wives sweep it up with a therapist.