Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

I don’t use social media much and don’t take pictures (well, rarely). But I couldn’t care less if others do. I’m not stuck in high school pining to be included in everything by everyone I may be friends or acquainted with. This is really sad for you if you let things like this bother you

Where did I say it bothered me? I don't even look at crap on social media. I truly don't understand what it is for other than as an online white pages to track down someone you lost touch with, or as a platform for private groups or raising money. But I don't think it's surprising that if you do post photos of private social events to social media, it winds up making people feel bad. This seems self evident. Imagine if before Facebook, you sometimes got emailed photos of your neighbor's birthday dinner or the girls night a bunch of moms from your kids school put together without you? I'd view that as hostile, borderline crazy behavior. Just because Facebook makes that easier to do doesn't change the fact that it's obnoxious. I just don't understand why anyone would do this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

I don’t use social media much and don’t take pictures (well, rarely). But I couldn’t care less if others do. I’m not stuck in high school pining to be included in everything by everyone I may be friends or acquainted with. This is really sad for you if you let things like this bother you

Where did I say it bothered me? I don't even look at crap on social media. I truly don't understand what it is for other than as an online white pages to track down someone you lost touch with, or as a platform for private groups or raising money. But I don't think it's surprising that if you do post photos of private social events to social media, it winds up making people feel bad. This seems self evident. Imagine if before Facebook, you sometimes got emailed photos of your neighbor's birthday dinner or the girls night a bunch of moms from your kids school put together without you? I'd view that as hostile, borderline crazy behavior. Just because Facebook makes that easier to do doesn't change the fact that it's obnoxious. I just don't understand why anyone would do this?

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

Why post anything at all to social media? At what point does it go from acceptable to unacceptable to you?

Like, based on the examples above, at what point does the photo cross the line?

1. A photo of what I am eating for dinner
2. A photo of me with my husband and kids at dinner
3. A photo of me with my immediate family plus grandparents at dinner
4. A photo of me with a large group of immediate and extended family at dinner
5. A photo of me with with my immediate family plus a parent friend and their child at dinner

I am legitimately curious.

Please. This isn't an all or nothing issue, so stop making it that. It's not "post nothing on social media" or "post everything on social media."

It's having a modicum of awareness about what you post and why you post it, and recognizing that people might perceive you a certain way based on what you post. You may or may not care what other people think about you, but if you frequently post on social, you probably do.

yeah we know it's not all or nothing. where do you draw the line there? where do you believe it becomes inappropriate? is it between 4 and 5?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

I don’t use social media much and don’t take pictures (well, rarely). But I couldn’t care less if others do. I’m not stuck in high school pining to be included in everything by everyone I may be friends or acquainted with. This is really sad for you if you let things like this bother you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am concerned some of you do not have any inkling of experiencing happiness for someone else.

I feel happy for people all the time. I am constantly enriched from learning of the joyful things in the lives of my friends, family, and children.

Seeing a group of people I know and thought I was friends with post pictures from a fun event I wasn't invited to still makes me feel sad.

I think it's disingenuous that you don't understand the difference.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

I don’t use social media much and don’t take pictures (well, rarely). But I couldn’t care less if others do. I’m not stuck in high school pining to be included in everything by everyone I may be friends or acquainted with. This is really sad for you if you let things like this bother you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

I don’t use social media much and don’t take pictures (well, rarely). But I couldn’t care less if others do. I’m not stuck in high school pining to be included in everything by everyone I may be friends or acquainted with. This is really sad for you if you let things like this bother you

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

Why post anything at all to social media? At what point does it go from acceptable to unacceptable to you?

Like, based on the examples above, at what point does the photo cross the line?

1. A photo of what I am eating for dinner
2. A photo of me with my husband and kids at dinner
3. A photo of me with my immediate family plus grandparents at dinner
4. A photo of me with a large group of immediate and extended family at dinner
5. A photo of me with with my immediate family plus a parent friend and their child at dinner

I am legitimately curious.

Please. This isn't an all or nothing issue, so stop making it that. It's not "post nothing on social media" or "post everything on social media."

It's having a modicum of awareness about what you post and why you post it, and recognizing that people might perceive you a certain way based on what you post. You may or may not care what other people think about you, but if you frequently post on social, you probably do.

yeah we know it's not all or nothing. where do you draw the line there? where do you believe it becomes inappropriate? is it between 4 and 5?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry but I just don’t see this. They are groups of friends. Not cliques. These are adult women with kids, spouses, jobs, busy lives. They found common ground and connected. No one has the mental energy for “inclusion” of all moms in the entire school, neighborhood, etc. at all cost. Just be friends with who you want And get along with and stop thinking about who you aren’t friends with or what you aren’t invited to. It isn’t personal. No one can be friends with everyone and included in everything

But others may view those groups of friends as cliques.

If mom “cliques” bother you, then you have issues and insecurities. I don’t think at all about what moms are friends with each other or follow anyone on social media or what they post. That is a you problem, not a them problem. Make you own friends and do your own thing- or don’t. But it doesn’t make anyone mean or wrong bc they are friends with each other and post whatever pictures or hashtags you hate on social media. Stay off social media if this makes you feel insecure.

It used to be considered good manners to not talk about parties/events in front of people not invited. That's what happens on social media. It's rude. But manners have gone out the window. Other people notice the bad manners.

Well expecting people to not post anything social on social media; unless their entire friends list that may happen to view such post were invited, is a big reach. It is called social media for a reason. If other people socializing without you bothers you, you really need to change how/if you use social media.

It was not invented for 40 year old women who should know better than to publicize their social gatherings. It truly is a violation of social norms to do that.

Look, I'm not even on social media so I'm not "that mom". But if it bothers you to see others post things, get off. This is really NBD if people post party pictures and what not. Someone secure and mentally heathy doesn't care. Why are you worrying and caring what others are posting and what you were or weren't invited to? That is the problem. Others are not responsible for your mental well being and making sure you feel included in everything; lest they post a picture and someone not in gets hurt feelings. They are living their own life and not worrying about you. Try it.

DP here.

A secure and mentally healthy person would not need to post photos of private social events to social media. It's attention-seeking behavior, In specific cases, it is likely done with the express goal of making people feel excluded, because people with low-esteem often get a boost from feeling better than others.

I'd also argue that repeatedly arguing with strangers on the internet about whether or not it is okay for them to feel sad or hurt by social media posts is not a sign of a secure and mentally healthy person. To quote you, why do you care? Why does it matter to you if some people complain on an anonymous online board about this? How does it impact you? Why don't you take your own advice and simply log off?

The truth is that the world is full of people who are insecure and struggling with mental health. I am one of them some days. You seem to believe that if people just suck it up, suddenly there will be no more social exclusion, no more hurt feelings, no more interpersonal drama. This is what you have called an "unreasonable expectation." Human beings are programmed to seek out social connection, and thus also programmed to experience distress when they feel socially alienated. You can't just eliminate these needs or responses -- they in some ways define us as people.

I personally think that your anger, frustration, and lack of empathy on this subject indicates that something about this is triggering for you. I don't know you so I don't know what it is. Perhaps, again, you should take your own advice and speak to a therapist about it. You could start by saying, "I feel very agitated when people talk about feeling left or excluded." That's an interesting emotional response and a therapist could help you figure out where it is coming from so that you no longer have such strong reactions to comments by anonymous people in an online forum.

I think that your emotional response to this conversation with strangers is more of a problem than the responses PP's are having to feeling excluded by people they actually know and interact with in real life. Their responses make more sense to me -- they care because these people are their friends, neighbors, and members of their immediate community. But your response on this board is a mystery. You don't know any of these people, so why do you care if they feel sad? It's interesting. Maybe you should look inward and see if you can figure it out.

You're speaking with authority and yet you begin with a blanket statement that is not universally true. It is your opinion.

DP, but what motivates people to post pictures of exclusive social events on wider social media? To what end? I'm generally curious.

Why post anything at all to social media? At what point does it go from acceptable to unacceptable to you?

Like, based on the examples above, at what point does the photo cross the line?

1. A photo of what I am eating for dinner
2. A photo of me with my husband and kids at dinner
3. A photo of me with my immediate family plus grandparents at dinner
4. A photo of me with a large group of immediate and extended family at dinner
5. A photo of me with with my immediate family plus a parent friend and their child at dinner

I am legitimately curious.

Please. This isn't an all or nothing issue, so stop making it that. It's not "post nothing on social media" or "post everything on social media."

It's having a modicum of awareness about what you post and why you post it, and recognizing that people might perceive you a certain way based on what you post. You may or may not care what other people think about you, but if you frequently post on social, you probably do.

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

Anonymous wrote:I have good times with friends all the time and (gasp!) don't even bother to take photos, much less post them to the internet. What's wrong with just keeping your private life private? Then no one's feelings are hurt and you still get to enjoy your life. It's not hard.

When I do occasionally post photos to social media, it's usually something like a sign that has been misspelled in an amusing way. Something that I think might amuse people and that does not require you to be in on something. And when I do have photos from a private event I want to share, I text them to the people who are in them. I can't think of a good reason why people in my extended social network would be interested in it, much less just gushing with happiness about the fact that we had a backyard BBQ or met for rooftop drinks somewhere. And I certainly don't require the external validation from people who weren't there -- I know my life is good already.

Y'all are weird.

Anonymous wrote:well i have posted photos of social events with friends to celebrate their accomplishments sometimes. like a friend who received a promotion and celebrated with a small event. i was truly happy for him and was delighted to tell him why. i also knew that it would be welcomed.

in another case, a friend just moved across the country. we have tons of mutual friends, and i am the first person who got to see her. i posted a photo of us at a nice event, and a lot of our friends were happy to see that she is doing well already.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes they are everywhere. Just do your best to focus on other areas as best you can, and be friendly to all.

(And yes, it sucks. I'm frequently the one on the outside, despite being involved in lots of activities with all of them.)

OP here - this is me. I know them, our kids are friends, I just don't live in the cool neighborhood, so I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.

15:29 here - I actually live in the "cool" neighborhood and am still excluded. I saw on FB that the neighborhood moms hosted a baby shower for another neighborhood mom. Yep, not invited and didn't know about it - despite knowing most everyone. Yes, it sucks.

Honest question -- why do you care? Why does this suck? If anything, it tells you who your friends are -- and it's none of these women. Go enjoy life with your real friends, and stop worrying about these neighborhood moms.

PP can still feel hurt by the exclusion.

Then get therapy. That isn't anyone's problem. You are an adult.

I think the person who needs therapy is the one who thinks that we're not allowed to have feelings.

It's perfectly valid for OP and baby shower PP to feel sad about being left out of something that looks fun. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. If your kid hears about a birthday party that they weren't invited to you, do you say something like "I'm sorry, it sounds like that hurts your feelings" to empathize with them, or do you say "suck it up, buttercup, that's life. go see a therapist"?

Ok so have feelings. But if this is bothering you enough that you need to post about about and go on and on then that is over the top. Clearly you can't move past it and without help and it is on your mind frequently and has been for years. Therapy.