Social engineering and intentionality by Moms.

Anonymous wrote:There is none of this who is cool and who is not cool in ES. There are small cliques that exist because their parents put them in activities together. Those parents thinking their kids are the cool kids are imagining things.

Unfortunately, this is a thing. It was evident by 3rd grade in girls at my kids’ school. Very glad my kid is happy with her fellow nerdy friends but not “cool.”

Anonymous wrote:They tend to be good looking and have money. They often have deeper roots in the community. Being outgoing helps as well -- introverts by their nature are less likely to be "cool."

This, at least for girls. Boys seemed to have different criteria. The coolest girls in my middle school were 4 of the richest, and they had the best houses, the nicest clothes, and money to participate in tons of fun activities and go shopping constantly for whatever they wanted.

OP, bring on the fringe of the cool kids is the worst place to be. That is the wannabes and setting yourself up to feel years of rejection and inadequacy. Best to steer your daughter to avoid the cool kids altogether and be confident with her own separate group of friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of the cool kids in middle and high school blossomed early and went on to be lame adults. Not so bad to blossom late and to spend more time developing a few good friends and passions with no concern for public opinion.

I agree. My brother in law was very cool in high school. Now he’s fifty and living off his parents. A total loser. Usually the cool kids in high school do drugs.

I went to a few of my high school reunions and experienced this big time. My nerdy friend and I were all doing interesting things, while most of the cool kids never left town. They seemed so wistful and spent most of their time reminiscing about "the good old days." My friends and I reminisced, too, but not one of us felt sad about no longer being in high school. One of my super shy nerdy wallflower friends blossomed into a head-turner-could-be-a-model. She barely spoke to anyone outside our group in school and at the reunion no one knew who she was!

+3

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Popular kids are absolutely a thing in elementary -- emerging in 4th, definitely a thing in 5th.

For girls, looks -- particularly actually caring that you look nice (hair done, "cool" clothes) -- is part of it. But at this age it is more that they are also socially mature -- by that I mean they have good EQ. They are confident and poised. They are out going and social -- they prioritize making and spending time with their friends, and they are good at making friends. They know how to have a conversation. They are not awkward or shy. They are fun, but they are no longer too silly or wacky or babyish in how they interact. They grew out of all the annoying social habits that kids have -- they are not too rigid or know-it-allish. Socially mature and out-going kids who want to interact with other socially mature and out-going kids, and they also care about looking nice too.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think it is kids who think more strategically when it comes to social stuff. My kid is very aware of social dynamics, social cues, relationships, conflicts etc. It's a pretty complex social system and I see it working out better for kids who seem to have a lot of tools to navigate.

+1

Anonymous wrote:They are the best looking kids who are not shy or hiding their looks. Nothing else really matters. Parents can't social engineer this and money doesn't necessarily matter. Neither does accomplishment matter as much as looks do.

There are always going to be kids who don't know they're good looking or are late bloomers or shy, but they come into their own after high school.

I agree. My daughter had a red headed friend in middle school who was taller than the boys and they weren’t attracted to her. As an adult I could see her good looks and she never took a bad picture. After high school she slimmed down from normal weight to skinny and makes enough money modeling and TV for it to be her job.

Anonymous wrote:There is none of this who is cool and who is not cool in ES. There are small cliques that exist because their parents put them in activities together. Those parents thinking their kids are the cool kids are imagining things.

If you had a popular kid you’d understand that it starts in elementary school, gets larger in middle school and stays almost the same in high school.

I have two girls. My oldest was popular all through school. My youngest is only half way through and I have no idea who is popular because she only has a small group of friends and it’s not them. Plus her activities are not school related.

It’s not sports like some mothers think. It’s not the mother’s either. I wasn’t involved in the school and neither were the other mothers. I do remember the mother group who ran the PTA. Their kids hung out as a group and they were nice quiet kids but not advanced socially.

My popular daughter was so easy to get along with. She was always dressed beautifully with perfect hair. I took after my mother who wouldn’t let us go out in public disheveled. I do believe her looks also made her popular. She didn’t pursue friendships, she was friends with whoever pursued her friendship.

The group had two types of girls, just a few were mean girls who were not conventionally pretty and the attractive girls who weren’t mean. The popular kids from all the elementary schools knew each other except my daughter who didn’t know too many outside of school because she didn’t participate in town activities. They merged together soon enough in sixth grade and stayed together. They were socially advanced, most of the girls were very pretty but the boys were just eh.

My younger one has never been in a popular group. She is not petite like her sister. She’s growing fast in the 7th grade, she’s 5’6” and hasn’t got her period yet so she’s just awkward. I felt so bad because she told me a girl behind her in line at school pointed at her and told her friend “she’s weird”. That’s hurtful.

But in terms of why some are popular it’s just how some people are.

My 8 yo DD is what you would consider “cool” or popular. She is sweet, caring, friendly with everyone and very confident and sporty. I think her excellence in sports gave her the confidence. She kind of cares about clothes and lives for bday parties. My eldest is an introvert and nerdy but goes to a school where that is the norm so it works.

I find it really pathetic when mommies want their kids to be cool.

Anonymous wrote:They are the best looking kids who are not shy or hiding their looks. Nothing else really matters. Parents can't social engineer this and money doesn't necessarily matter. Neither does accomplishment matter as much as looks do.

There are always going to be kids who don't know they're good looking or are late bloomers or shy, but they come into their own after high school.

I don’t think this is it. Confidence/charisma/athletic ability/je ne sais quois has a lot to do with it. I remember in high school a common thing for girls to do was show the yearbook to other relatives/friends from other schools and ask who was best looking. The most photogenic kids never were the actual alpha kids at the school. Purely aesthetic or perfectly symmetrical features alone don’t make one cool or popular.

They are the best looking kids who are not shy or hiding their looks. Nothing else really matters. Parents can't social engineer this and money doesn't necessarily matter. Neither does accomplishment matter as much as looks do.

There are always going to be kids who don't know they're good looking or are late bloomers or shy, but they come into their own after high school.

Honestly I think it is kids who think more strategically when it comes to social stuff. My kid is very aware of social dynamics, social cues, relationships, conflicts etc. It's a pretty complex social system and I see it working out better for kids who seem to have a lot of tools to navigate.

Also the maturity thing - around 5th grade I noticed a clear split of kids who were just younger-acting in many ways and those kids were just not going to be seen as "cool" when many of the kids are looking towards preteen and teen years.

The only kids that stand out in ES are special needs kids.